Online Dating at 36 - The Good, the Bad, & WTH?

Apparently, I've been seeing too many "Star Wars" themed memes on Facebook... which is where that title came from. There are a lot of things I am very capable of nurturing.  My students at school.  My friendships.  My congregation.  My musical ensembles.  My cats.  Plants generally do not make the list.  My one real accomplishment in that arena is a pathos that I've had since 2000.  It was a gift from a couple of friends as encouragement for my upcoming Master's Recital Hearing, which I was quite stressed about.  It has survived 3 major moves, gone from 6' long tendrils to only 2 leaves, and is now back to about a dozen leaves and growing. Then again, pathos are one variety of plant that are practically impossible to kill. Last spring, I decided to decorate my balcony with several plants in pots.  I chose ones that supposedly thrived in shade, as my balcony gets very, very little sun.  During the course of the summer, which wa...

Just a quick post to let you all know how I'm doing. The anti-depressants are successfully handling the crazy train side effects of the Depo.  They have put me in a place where I can feel "normal," and given my life right now, "normal" includes the to-be-expected feeling blue.  I really feel like I can now focus on grieving the ended relationship instead of just leveling myself out. To that end, he and I are still communicating, sort of.  He's being a bit stand-offish, and I can't blame him.  It turns out he is also being that way with our mutual friends.  L and I went to lunch a few days ago, and we agree it is a defense mechanism for him.  His heart has been hurt so many times, that it is understandable that when something like this happens, he will wall himself off.  It is taking an enormous amount of patience for me to just wait on God and wait on him, but so far I'm doing it. I have been told by trusted friends that my ... strategy, for la...

I am a theater person.  Be it opera, musical theater, or simply a well-constructed concert, I love drama and the stage.  Intermissions occur for two main reasons: 1) the audience gets a break to stretch, decompress, use the facilities, get a drink, and check in with reality for a moment, and 2) the performers get a break to prepare themselves mentally and/or physically for the next act or scenes.  That may be a costume or makeup change, or a change of the set on the stage, or some combination of the two. It has been a full 7 days.  This time, one week ago, I was arriving at my friend's house, stunned and possibly even heartbroken, clutching a bottle of wine like it alone could save me and make what had happened just a couple hours before disappear like a bad dream.  Minutes after entering her home, I would receive the text message where the ex cut off communication.  Two hours later, I would have single-handedly consumed an entire bottle of margaritas on ...

I tend to be a voracious reader, but admittedly it is of a few select genres.  Give me a murder mystery, forensic thriller, and I will escape into that world, devouring the story at around 100 pages per hour.  Having a vivid imagination and the ability to connect deeply with fictional characters -- I'm not quite one of those people who cry at dog food commercials, but I'm pretty close -- books are a way for me to leave my real world and go visit an old friend or six. In spite of being a hopeless romantic, I'm not the biggest reader of romance novels.  I have a few on my rather stuffed bookshelf, down on the bottom below my extensive collection of Patricia Cornwell, Kathy Reichs, John Stafford, Dan Brown, Harry Potter, and many others.  I once read a Danielle Steel novel while on a gig; my homestay hosts had it on the shelf in their guest bungalow where I was staying.  One was enough for me. Non-fiction and self-help have held little interest for me.  I ...

As much as I love schedules and knowing plans, there are times where I just go with the flow.  Roll with it.  Be easy going and spontaneous.  My plans for this evening were just that: loose and changing.  And ultimately involved something I did NOT see coming. My original plans for tonight were to meet a friend at a local Italian restaurant for a drink and to chat.  She's recently made it through some major marital difficulties, and in addition to being a trusted friend and wonderful Christian woman, because of her trials and also because she found love later in life, she is a great "mentor" for me in many ways.  Well, around noon or so, she messaged me needing to cancel.  She's come down with a cold and she's supposed to run in a local race this weekend.  I told her to get better, and we'd find another time. My plans for tonight then became this: after teaching my two Thursday fitness classes, I'd go into church and finish up that which I nee...

I have never denied that I am passive-aggressive.  I think it is a required trait of musicians, particularly singers.  We have an innate mastery of it, especially in rehearsal situations.  "Maestro, I noticed the tenors are singing that note long while the rest of us are singing it short... which do you want?" Of course, as I'm trying to control my desperation in wanting my ex back -- there, I said it plainly, I want him back, skeletons, scars, and all -- passive-aggressive techniques are about all I have at this time.  I'm not going to directly reach out to him just yet; we both need time.  I'm not going to text or email or show up at his home unannounced.  But I am carefully maintaining what tenuous ties I still have to him. The best tie I still have to him is LinkedIn.  Now, I've said before that I think that LinkedIn is the red-headed step-child to other social media, but it does have its advantages.  Until this morning, my involvement on ...

We've all been there.  We've been the one with the broken heart.  We've also been the one who has dealt with a friend who has a broken heart.  As compassionate humans, we want to help.  We hate seeing our friends suffering, and we have this desire to fix it and make it all better.  We feel like we "need to do something." On September 9, 1999, in a freak in-class moment, I broke my left leg and did other extensive orthopedic damage to my ankle and knee.  In the blink of an eye, I went from completely ambulatory, dancing ballet, to unable to bear weight on one of my legs.  It took 3 surgeries and several months of physical therapy for me to be able to walk "normally" again.  I have hardware in my leg, and will for the rest of my life.  I veer into this odd tangent because it has two lessons for me right now.  First, broken bones that have healed are actually stronger than the bones that have not been broken.  The body has flo...

Yesterday as I was pulling into the pharmacy, one of my favorite songs came on the radio.  Written by Laura Story, the song was inspired by her working through the diagnosis of her husband's brain tumor.  While my losing a boyfriend of two weeks, combined with a crazy drug side effect, is certainly not in the spouse-with-brain-tumor category, the song no less resonated. Called "Blessings," the final chorus is: What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life Is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, Are Your mercies in disguise? In spite of all my doom and gloom, be it from the break up or from the Depo, in spite of the overcast, gray skies, and the chaos in our country, today was...

Some time ago, I received a bookmark at church.  Being an inexpensive piece of lightweight cardboard with a glossy print job and a Bible verse, it is something my Baptist minister father would normally call "sanctified junk."  For some reason, I decided to attach it to the edge of my computer monitor on my desk at church, where it goes largely ignored as something I see most every day. But yesterday it caught my eye and I took a moment to read it.  And re-read it.  And read it again. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."  ~Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) While sitting in the waiting area of my doctor's office, I pulled up that chapter on one of the Bible apps on my phone.  The beginning of Proverbs 3 also resonated with me: "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and br...

Not quite 24 hours.  I'm struggling.  I have good times, and I have really bad ones.  I've finally shed some tears -- not a great big "boo hoo" like I feel I need -- but I have had a little bit of water works.  However, the tears have not been over the boy, they've been over the flooding of love and support I've received from you all. My two last posts have hit 100+ views.  Prior to these posts, my most-viewed post had 57 hits.  I'm stunned. I'm shocked.  Part of it was going 110% public again on Facebook with the URL, I know.  But another part of it is simply I have so many wonderful friends who want to know what is going on so you can support me.  This blog is a major source of therapy for me, no doubt. Okay, a few of you are just rubbernecking at the wreck my life has become.  But, that's okay. This morning I went to breakfast with a dear friend.  We'd set up this time originally to discuss something going on in her life, a...

It has only been about 9 or so hours.  I'm not going to pull up the texts to check the timestamp, sorry.  At about 4:30, I ended up at a dear friend's home, bottle of wine in hand, only to discover she doesn't own a corkscrew.  But, she had a bottle of "Skinny Girl Margaritas."  2 hours later, and I'd consumed the entire thing.  By myself.  On an empty stomach. We then made a run to a local store for her to buy a wine opener.  We also hit a drive-thru; even though I wasn't hungry I knew I'd be better off if I ate something.  A greasy cheeseburger and medium fry later, I downed two glasses of water and decided we probably shouldn't open the bottle of wine.  I sobered up enough to drive and came home to face my demons. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that time is, to me, a "four letter word."  Right now, it is the only thing I can do -- wait.  I have been blessed with tons of love and support from friends o...

I am single again.  I am devastated.  In some ways, I saw it coming, but in others... no. This weekend was rough for us.  We'd make plans, and then he'd have to change them.  He assured me all was well, kisses and hugs via text.  In a mood swing, perhaps related to the new birth control, and perhaps just my depression rearing its ugly head, I sent him a long explanatory email. His response to that was to text me saying he'd read it and he thinks we should just be friends.  It was nice to have met me.  Take care. I asked if we could please talk.  His response was "no."  I told him I was truly sorry, but I respected his decision.  I would like to know where I went wrong.  He told me to "take care!" All last week, I felt him pulling away.  Perhaps that made me too clingy.  He kept sending mixed signals -- concerns I was getting too attached too soon, starting to revert on plans we'd made for the future -- but then we'...

I have always been a cat person.  Growing up, there were always cats in my house.  My first word as an infant was "kitty."  I have the "I Can Haz Cheezburger" app on my phone.  I'm not a crazy cat lady, but my furballs mean an awful lot to me. I have two of them: Tabitha and Simon.  They are 13 and 12, respectively, and I've had them each since they were about 6 months old.  They have been with me through 3 major moves, some really great times, and some really, really awful ones.  I can count on them for unconditional love, snuggles and companionship; they will greet me at the door; they will leave copious amounts of fur on my belongings; and unfortunately they will also leave the occasional spot of pee or barf on the carpet.  Even as I write this post, Tabitha is napping alongside me, gently purring.  They are my babies. In his own words, the BF "does not do cats."  At first, I thought this simply an aversion, knowing that he made a...

Finally!  I can fill you all in on what has happened!!  I will start back a week ago and work forward chronologically.  A great deal has happened, so you may want to grab a cup of coffee or an adult beverage and get comfortable -- this is going to be a long read. Let us review the cast of characters: BDJ: Blind Date J L: the friend setting me up with BDJ J3: the boy toy "friend with benefits" Match.com: the dating website Saturday, March 30 BDJ and I have been texting with such frequency that Homeland Security could probably pinpoint our location within inches at any given moment.  While texting, we both agree that we'd like to meet sooner than the scheduled "blind date."  How about tomorrow?  Oh, and let's not tell L, the mutual friend. How convenient that I was shopping for a new dress as we were setting this up. Sunday, March 31 (Easter) BDJ and I have set up 7:00 tonight as our meeting time.  As has been the case the previous few...

I am an evil, evil woman.  Why? you ask.  Because a lot, and I mean a lot, has been going on.  Lots and lots of drama and changes.  Things that will curl your hair. Okay, maybe not curl your hair, but at least you'll be very happy.  The cast of characters: BDJ, my "blind date" L, my friend who is setting me up with BDJ J3, the boy toy Match.com, the website and of course, me. But.... But.... But........ I'm not going to blog about it yet. The impending "blind date" is Friday.  Now, I'm putting "blind date" in quotation marks because how blind, really, can it be when we've seen pictures and professional profiles and exchanged emails and text messages?  But because there are ... things ... brewing that are a surprise to at least one of the cast of characters, all I can do is tease.  After all, you never know who may find what on the Internet. Look for a post on Saturday, most likely in the afternoon or evening.  Trust m...