Online Dating at 36 - The Good, the Bad, & WTH?

We've all been there.  We've been the one with the broken heart.  We've also been the one who has dealt with a friend who has a broken heart.  As compassionate humans, we want to help.  We hate seeing our friends suffering, and we have this desire to fix it and make it all better.  We feel like we "need to do something." On September 9, 1999, in a freak in-class moment, I broke my left leg and did other extensive orthopedic damage to my ankle and knee.  In the blink of an eye, I went from completely ambulatory, dancing ballet, to unable to bear weight on one of my legs.  It took 3 surgeries and several months of physical therapy for me to be able to walk "normally" again.  I have hardware in my leg, and will for the rest of my life.  I veer into this odd tangent because it has two lessons for me right now.  First, broken bones that have healed are actually stronger than the bones that have not been broken.  The body has flo...

Yesterday as I was pulling into the pharmacy, one of my favorite songs came on the radio.  Written by Laura Story, the song was inspired by her working through the diagnosis of her husband's brain tumor.  While my losing a boyfriend of two weeks, combined with a crazy drug side effect, is certainly not in the spouse-with-brain-tumor category, the song no less resonated. Called "Blessings," the final chorus is: What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life Is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, Are Your mercies in disguise? In spite of all my doom and gloom, be it from the break up or from the Depo, in spite of the overcast, gray skies, and the chaos in our country, today was...

Some time ago, I received a bookmark at church.  Being an inexpensive piece of lightweight cardboard with a glossy print job and a Bible verse, it is something my Baptist minister father would normally call "sanctified junk."  For some reason, I decided to attach it to the edge of my computer monitor on my desk at church, where it goes largely ignored as something I see most every day. But yesterday it caught my eye and I took a moment to read it.  And re-read it.  And read it again. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."  ~Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) While sitting in the waiting area of my doctor's office, I pulled up that chapter on one of the Bible apps on my phone.  The beginning of Proverbs 3 also resonated with me: "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and br...

Not quite 24 hours.  I'm struggling.  I have good times, and I have really bad ones.  I've finally shed some tears -- not a great big "boo hoo" like I feel I need -- but I have had a little bit of water works.  However, the tears have not been over the boy, they've been over the flooding of love and support I've received from you all. My two last posts have hit 100+ views.  Prior to these posts, my most-viewed post had 57 hits.  I'm stunned. I'm shocked.  Part of it was going 110% public again on Facebook with the URL, I know.  But another part of it is simply I have so many wonderful friends who want to know what is going on so you can support me.  This blog is a major source of therapy for me, no doubt. Okay, a few of you are just rubbernecking at the wreck my life has become.  But, that's okay. This morning I went to breakfast with a dear friend.  We'd set up this time originally to discuss something going on in her life, a...

It has only been about 9 or so hours.  I'm not going to pull up the texts to check the timestamp, sorry.  At about 4:30, I ended up at a dear friend's home, bottle of wine in hand, only to discover she doesn't own a corkscrew.  But, she had a bottle of "Skinny Girl Margaritas."  2 hours later, and I'd consumed the entire thing.  By myself.  On an empty stomach. We then made a run to a local store for her to buy a wine opener.  We also hit a drive-thru; even though I wasn't hungry I knew I'd be better off if I ate something.  A greasy cheeseburger and medium fry later, I downed two glasses of water and decided we probably shouldn't open the bottle of wine.  I sobered up enough to drive and came home to face my demons. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that time is, to me, a "four letter word."  Right now, it is the only thing I can do -- wait.  I have been blessed with tons of love and support from friends o...

I am single again.  I am devastated.  In some ways, I saw it coming, but in others... no. This weekend was rough for us.  We'd make plans, and then he'd have to change them.  He assured me all was well, kisses and hugs via text.  In a mood swing, perhaps related to the new birth control, and perhaps just my depression rearing its ugly head, I sent him a long explanatory email. His response to that was to text me saying he'd read it and he thinks we should just be friends.  It was nice to have met me.  Take care. I asked if we could please talk.  His response was "no."  I told him I was truly sorry, but I respected his decision.  I would like to know where I went wrong.  He told me to "take care!" All last week, I felt him pulling away.  Perhaps that made me too clingy.  He kept sending mixed signals -- concerns I was getting too attached too soon, starting to revert on plans we'd made for the future -- but then we'...

I have always been a cat person.  Growing up, there were always cats in my house.  My first word as an infant was "kitty."  I have the "I Can Haz Cheezburger" app on my phone.  I'm not a crazy cat lady, but my furballs mean an awful lot to me. I have two of them: Tabitha and Simon.  They are 13 and 12, respectively, and I've had them each since they were about 6 months old.  They have been with me through 3 major moves, some really great times, and some really, really awful ones.  I can count on them for unconditional love, snuggles and companionship; they will greet me at the door; they will leave copious amounts of fur on my belongings; and unfortunately they will also leave the occasional spot of pee or barf on the carpet.  Even as I write this post, Tabitha is napping alongside me, gently purring.  They are my babies. In his own words, the BF "does not do cats."  At first, I thought this simply an aversion, knowing that he made a...