Blast from the Past

My Facebook friends know what happened almost 24 hours ago, but lest you are a follower who isn't a "friend", let me recap.

It was a lovely Saturday evening. I had spent the morning at rehearsal and the afternoon at a baby shower. I was in my living room attaching chains to my newly-made hanging plant shelf, preparing to install it, cursing at my clearly inept wire cutters. That was when I heard the buzzing of my phone in my purse, still on vibrate from the baby shower.

My phone has three vibration patterns. A long buzz means a phone call. Two short buzzes is a text message. And a pattern called "symphony", which is short-short-short-long (think the opening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony), is reserved for D.

Even though it has been over 8 months, D is no "long forgotten memory". You don't spend 3 years of your life as intertwined with another person as he and I were to just *poof* forget about them in a short period. While this is certainly an oversimplification, I imagine this is along the lines of how a divorcee feels, adjusting to life without their former spouse. There is no forgetting someone who had been such a close friend and lover. There is learning to live without them, and learning to live with the memories that will haunt you the rest of your days. While so much has happened over the past 8 months, I still have not lost my inclination to see an article on FB or elsewhere online and think, "D would appreciate this!" There are still places I no longer visit, activities I rarely do. They belong to that chapter.

I'm not yet donning the rose-colored glasses. I do remember the pain and trials of the friendship. I remember the mistreatment. I remember valuing too much of my self-worth on the opinions of a fickle human being. I remember the nights of tears and drinking too much as I tried to bury the pain. I remember needing two antidepressant medications just to live my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The text message was a group text. That's weirdness #1. It went to a group that used to do a lot of things together, but hadn't in at least a year. That's weirdness #2. The last text sent to this group was just over 2 years ago, making it unlikely this was some sort of accident. That's weirdness #3. His former best friend, who he cut off a couple months before me (but maybe they've reconciled?) was included. That's weirdness #4. The text was a short video about the maintenance of his cat Buttercup's litter pan. That's weirdness #5.

Unsurprisingly, no one has replied to the text. At least not to the group.

While I took time to gather my thoughts before coming here, like most people in this day and age I did immediately go to Facebook to post my abhorrence and shock at this development. (After texting one of my besties, of course.) The calls to block him began, which should be expected. This is something I refuse to do, and I'm going to try to explain why.

First of all, much of the issues in our relationship stemmed from both of our mental illnesses. I am a chronic depressive with an anxiety disorder. He is bipolar with other issues. If I am not taking care of myself, I become harsh, brittle, and moody; not easy to love or be around. If he is not taking care of himself, he becomes unpredictable, impulsive, and on a wildly swinging pendulum of moods. Towards "the end", he was definitely not taking care of himself, which led to me not taking care of myself. We were on a fast train to disaster.

Mental illness is not an excuse, but it is a legitimate reason. I know from my own battles that I have to live with my illness and take responsibility for my actions, even when caused or influenced by my disease. But I also know how much of what I do is uncontrollable. You can't control when your brain decides to skew your perspective on life like you are looking through a crazy kaleidoscope. You can't control the overwhelming feelings of depression or the oncoming panic attacks. You do your treatments, you do your therapy. You live through the bad and when it is over, you pick up the pieces. D was not just on the fast train, he was on a supersonic bullet train to Crazyville when "the end" happened.

Secondly, blocking someone just goes against who I am and the person I try to be as a Christian. Now I have blocked people before, don't get me wrong. If D was being abusive or threatening, he'd be blocked in a heartbeat. Immediately after the last time we spoke, I blocked him for a while. He needed to cool off, and I didn't need any more verbally abusive phone calls full of profanity. But then I unblocked him. Am I hoping for reconciliation? Maybe, I really don't know. Closure? Perhaps that's a better word. Honestly, I feel like blocking someone resorts to the childish behaviors of stomping one's feet, leaving, and then not answering the door when my friend wants to see if I'll come out and play. Unless there's a reason (such as abusive or offensive language), blocking just doesn't seem to be very 'adult'.

Today our student minister preached on self-control. Not what we would normally think of, but from the perspective of "do we exercise too much self-control", particularly in our Christian faith. Do we love openly enough? Do we live the teachings of Christ and the calling of God enough? Do we wait in the shadows too much for something to happen, something where we feel okay in being the light of Christ? He read a well-known poem -- which is actually a paragraph from a book, and often misattributed to Nelson Mandela -- that has long been a favorite of mine. It was the perfect reminder for me today:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson

Playing small, shirking from the light, hiding behind the block feature on my phone should not be who I am. I am to live my life out loud, shining and giving others permission to do the same. And forgiveness is part of who I am and who I want to be. There has been plenty in my life to tarnish my light. I refuse to give another person any additional power to do so, and I am the greatest person I can be by allowing myself to remain open.



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