Online Dating at 36 - The Good, the Bad, & WTH?

Love is a very difficult and awkward thing.  Even more so are relationships.  Now right now, things are as they have been with Mr. P and myself -- no major changes in either direction.  Yet in my world around me, I am seeing my friends struggle with their own relationships.  It is almost enough to make me say, "Why do I bother?" I have lived, mostly happy, for 36 years without a partner.  Yes, I've been lonely at times, lately more often than not.  It's not about sex.  While sex is certainly a big part of any successful relationship, sex is not the foundation.  Honestly, one can get sex anytime they want it; there are plenty of websites out there where you can find a one night stand, a hook-up, at any time.  Being lonely is about having the desire for someone to share the mundane with, someone that you can call or text whenever something strikes your fancy, someone who will hold you when you've had a bad day or cheer you on when things are going great. In the

...and Leo's getting laaaarrrrger!! Bonus points if you know what movie I just quoted. We are at T minus 44 hours, give or take, until the ball game.  THE ball game.  The one where me, my good friend, her boyfriend, and her son are being joined by P and his son.  "Date" #2, with an audience and offspring. In the meantime, we've continued our usual texting and such.  Sometimes it's been flirty, even "adults only."  Sometimes it's been strictly business, if you will, such as dealing with the logistics of the tickets for Saturday.  And, nothing new, I keep vacillating between convinced he's into me and convinced he's still actively keeping his options open. What I do know is that about 85% of the time when I text him, I get an immediate reply.  I don't know of anyone else who I text where the response rate is that high.  However, relationships are not built on texting alone.  Leave it to my friend to ask me, "You guys have actua

Dating advice websites are very interesting.  They have all these slideshows and lists of what one should and should not do when in a relationship or starting to date someone.  Sometimes, they are contradictory.  Sometimes, they are just hilarious.  Sometimes, I have to shake my head at the realization that someone felt the need to produce that article and it was probably because someone else was clueless enough to ask for the advice. Yet one thread is clear: it's not 1950 anymore, ladies. Current gender inequality issues such as equal pay aside, this relieves some pressures on both men & women when it comes to dating.  Or perhaps I should more fairly say it levels out the pressures.  The "traditional" dating roles put a lot of pressure on the man.  He had to make the advances.  He had to plan the dates.  He had to foot the bills.  He had to follow up with flowers.  Basically, us ladies were to look gorgeous and be pursued, so once caught we could keep house in

Date numero dos, that is. Tickets have been purchased for Saturday's "Royals versus Twins in a battle for mediocrity in the American League Central" game.  Six tickets.  Yep.  My friend, her boyfriend, her son, me... and P and his son.  I am obviously excited, and at the same time nervous as all get-out. Then again, the more I think about it, at least 3 of the 6 of us have a reason to be nervous.  I'm nervous because while we've been texting and all that, this will be the second time P and I will actually be together in person.  Add to that meeting his son, and I can only imagine what it is like for the only child of divorced parents to meet one of their parent's new "friends," especially when that child is old enough to understand the concept of dating, but not old enough to really understand dating -- especially between two middle-aged adults.  And as the icing on the cake, I'm nervous about introducing P to a good friend.  I certainly like

Just a quick update, friends.  You all know that I've been stressing about date number 2 and all that.  Well while I hope our schedules align for something this coming week -- he's booked this weekend with charity events and his son -- it looks like we might have set up something for next weekend.  On top of that, two promising signs that things are on the path I want after this morning's fretting. Next weekend one of my best friends is coming into town, along with her boyfriend and son who is the same age as P's son.  The three of them are big baseball fans, and their home team is playing my home team.  She asked if P wanted to join us, so I asked him.  I knew this could be awkward.  To paraphrase that somewhat obnoxious pop song, "hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but do you want to meet one of my high school friends, her boyfriend, and her son?" Turns out P has his own son that weekend. Oh boy!  Potential deal-breaker.  Hey!  For our second date,

Ah. 5:23 in the morning and I'm blogging because I know further sleep will not be coming for now.  This isn't my usual insomnia, mind you.  Part of it is to be expected, and part of it... no. Yesterday was a day of crazy.  Just... crazy.  It's hard to put it into words, exactly.  Random bizarre interactions with people, kindergarteners melting down in music class (ah, the first week of school), by the end of the day I was ready for a glass of wine.  A very big glass of wine.  So after going to the gym, I stopped at the liquor store (where I was carded) and bought a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Prior to this, I'd texted P letting him know I'd had a zany day, and that if he later received weird or inappropriate texts from me, he should just tell me to step away from the wine.  His answer was that he had a "very high threshold for inappropriate."  Given my mood, it was: challenge accepted. Now here is where I digress for a moment.  See, I was raised to

Right off the bat, I'm going to say this post has nothing to do with P. This is another of those "random musings about online dating" posts. I get various notifications from Match. I get notified that someone "winked" at me. I get notified that I have an email. I get notified that someone "liked" one of my pictures. (God bless Facebook for every site now having a "like" feature.) I get notified that someone was going through their daily matches and marked me as "definitely interested." What I don't get notified of is when someone makes my profile one of their "favorites." Thing is, I'm actually okay with that. Every now and then when I'm on the site I see that someone else has added me to their favorites, and I go to see who it is. This is the part I don't get. With one exception, they are people who haven't interacted with me at all. They haven't shown up in my list of matches. The

During one of today's Facebook checks, I came across a picture posted by a friend that was just a quote.  But it was a quote that really spoke to me and brought me a lot of... well, peace.  See, lately I've been seeing posted by other single female friends a lot of memes and other "inspirational pictures" that essentially declare that if a man isn't willing to put you on a pedestal, he isn't worth it.  Now I'm not sure what the female version of misogyny would be, but let's just say in my opinion relationships are definitely a two-way street, and that it is unfair for us women to simply expect the man to worship the ground we walk on in order to deem him "worthy" of us. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that men should be allowed to treat us like crap, either.  I'm just calling for equality.  Love me and all my warts, as I love you and all your scars.  I carry no disillusions about what I bring into a relationship -- good or ba

My apologies to Shakespeare for today's title, but it somehow seemed appropriate. Part of what is so terrifying for me about dating is that I have to take risks.  I have to say and do things that in my mind I'm perfectly capable of doing, yet when it actually comes to doing them, I freak out.  Historically, I've always been the follower in relationships, such as the ones I've had could be called.  My partner has almost always initiated everything. Yet I've been reflecting on the advice of my friend, which was really more of a reminder.  Men tend to need things clearly spelled out.  But, they are human as well, and they are also taking a risk every time they make a move.  A terrifying risk, really.  So first I decided to be a lot clearer in some things.  Mainly, I made it clear after P was apologizing that this week is crazy for him at work and having his son, that the 3 am texts are really okay.  Really.  No, really.  Now today I do wish it had been 3:30 inst

No, I'm not bestowing upon myself the title of girlfriend, and I'm not writing a post on behalf of one of my friends who is in turmoil about her own relationship.  This morning's post is about that aspect of my life that tends to go under-appreciated: my own girlfriends. It is definitely true that women are from Venus and men from Mars.  And now that the Curiosity Rover has successfully "zapped a rock," (how that was a headline, I'm not sure) I'm sure we can make several recommendations of men to be returned to their home planet to be likewise zapped.  Shall we start with a certain congressman who recently said that women's bodies have the ability to not get pregnant in the case of 'legitimate rape?' But I digress!  My point is that women and men often speak a different language, although we are both speaking English.  When communication is at its most challenging, that is when we need to talk to those who speak our own language -- our own

A woman's instinct is something that cannot be scientifically quantified.  We are, by nature, extremely emotional beings, and perhaps this is why we are more sensitive to the actions and demeanor of others.  This, in turn, allows us to pick up on the subtle clues that others may not even be aware they are sending. It can also turn us into emotional wrecks. Piggy-backing on this morning's post, right now I am in a funk.  Logic and emotions are waging a vicious battle in my brain, and I'm having a horrid time shaking off the feeling that I need to move on because my gut is convinced that P is.  Now, there is absolutely no logical reason for this, no messages, no indicators.  Just my gut, and it has been known to be wrong. I texted him on my way home from work.  The entire text read "Just sayin hi."  I haven't gotten a reply yet, and that was a hour and a half ago.  Part of me is freaking out over this, and part of me is well aware it isn't the first ti

Good morning, my friendly and supportive readers.  Today in KC it is a slightly crisp 67 degrees, just cool enough to justify putting on the sweats and drinking my hot coffee out on the balcony while over-analyzing my love life.  Just one of the joys of having a mind that races when I can't sleep -- see, I'm supposed to be napping right now after getting up at 4:45 a.m. to teach a Zumba class (to which no one came). I've mentioned this before: I'm very analytical.  The nebulousness of dating is perhaps the biggest thing I struggle with, aside from the more common fear of rejection.  I have now entered the phase of reviewing every little thing with P, every conversation, every email, every text message, to find the signs that he's not interested.  Or, at least, not as interested as I am.  You know, those little signs that I'm inevitably misinterpreting or being overly critical of, taking as a sign that he's still out shopping. As a Christian, I'm not

As I've stated about 7,000 times in the past few blog posts, P has been out of town visiting his twin brother in Seattle.  What I knew about the trip from our date and our conversations included two important facts.  Or, at least important to me.  First, his flights were direct.  Second, his flight left Seattle around 11:00 this morning. So perhaps this puts me in that gray area of stalker-potential-girlfriend, but armed with that information it was not hard to go to the KC airport website and check on flights arriving from Seattle.  Especially since KCI is a medium-sized airport.  There were only two, and only one met the criterion.  Ergo, I was pretty sure P was landing around 3:40 this afternoon. I was bound and determined to NOT text him.  I have no reason to doubt his word that he's given me multiple times that he'd be in touch once he got back from his whirlwind trip.  Ever an optimist, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt until he shows me otherwise. I ma

Admittedly, this title may be a bit misleading, but today I just wanted to make a post about some recent observations. Over the years, I have heard more times that I could begin to count the line about how love finds you when you stop looking for it.  Sorry, but that's just bullshit.  Yes, I know a couple of people who were minding their own business, not interested in dating, and WHAM!  They meet Mr. or Mrs. Right.  However, the vast majority of my friends did some work.  They were intentionally out in situations that put them in contact with eligible partners.  They allowed their friends to set them up, knowing there would be a good chance of a bad connection.  They joined dating sites or services.  They were willing to put themselves -- and their hearts -- out there. Honestly, I've spent the majority of my life being extremely passive about dating.  I don't watch that many "chick flick" movies, but even my forensic and crime thriller books tend to have a ro

Teenage angst.  That's the stuff that what's-her-name, the author of those "Twilight" books, Stephanie Meyer? has made a gazillion dollars off of.  And it's the stuff that I thought I left behind when I became a 30-something. Apparently not.  Now that I'm seriously interested in a guy, I'm being reminded of all the times where I had a crush and I waited practically by the phone to see if they would call me.  (Because, of course, this was before email, Facebook, and text messaging. Heck, caller ID wasn't even a common thing.)  Do I call him?  If I do, will I come across pushy?  Or needy?  Or desperate?  Or is he one of those guys who wants the woman to be more aggressive?  Should I wait for him to contact me?  Is he playing "hard to get," as the advice websites say? Oh, the dilemmas. First off, let me say that P has been very good about communication.  Granted, he tends to text at unusual times, but I'm preferring to look at this in

Let's see if I can compose a coherent sentence, as I'm grinning like a loon and floating on cloud nine.  And, I'm happy.  Very happy. Tonight, somewhat unexpectedly, I had a date with Bachelor #5, who we'll call P.  I say unexpectedly because although we've been communicating pretty rapidly for the past several days, I knew he was going out of town this coming weekend and figured if we were going to meet, it would be after that. Nope. At 4:40 this morning, I got a text from him that said he'd be at a certain area this evening, and was that anywhere near me.  Yes, 4:40.  In the morning.  I already know he, like myself, has a form of insomnia (he's in denial about his, but so what).  He tends to wake up in the middle of the night; I've gotten emails from him at 3-something in the morning which is how I know this.  So I heard it and read it, and didn't respond until after my alarm went off at 5:45 and I rolled my butt out of bed at 6:10. We set

I certainly hope you read that title in the voice of Dana Carvey as The Church Lady. And if you didn't, you just went back and did it.  Thank you. Well, the emails and texts have been flying between Bachelor #5 and myself.  This is my divorced architect.  We had left it with my email sitting in his inbox overnight.  Summarizing this evening's many emails, our days went pretty much like this: He read my email first thing this morning, and wanted to reply but had to get his son ready for the first day of school and didn't have time.  He thought all day at work about replying, but either didn't want to have to do it on his phone (totally understandable) or didn't have time.  Once he got home from work, he replied.  Twice.  The second reply including his phone number. Meanwhile, my day consisted of me obsessively checking my personal email every time my phone beeped seeing if I had a message from him.  When I got out of yoga and saw that I did, I was grinning li

Here we go again.  Getting back into the groove of the online dating has me reviewing profiles I previously had said I was "interested" in, because I surprisingly am still eligible to keep my site "guarantee."  But more on that in a moment. I have noticed that first of all, what interested me just a few weeks ago I'm not finding so interesting now.  Am I really that fickle?  I suppose, though, that the stuff that day-to-day life brings, its ups and its downs, does color how I view even online profiles.  Today in particular was a rough day, and I have more stress on me that I've had in some time.  It's unrelated to my dating life, although it is misleading to say that what happens in one part of my life isn't going to have an effect on other parts of my life.  Just sometimes, that effect is indirect as opposed to obvious. I have also noticed the abuse of the phrase "I am."  Profiles start with an "About Me" section.  To be blun

I took some time away from the online dating thing.  I hit a few days where I wasn't feeling all that well, and then I just got out of the habit or something.  For whatever reason, and I'm sure a shrink could come up with a few, I just couldn't bring myself to launch the website and go through my "Daily Matches," screening photos and profiles, blessing some with a "yes, I'm interested," more often hitting "maybe," and every now and then saying "no thank you." In case you are wondering what happened to Bachelor #3, well, we've texted some.  But he never really showed any initiative, and I state clearly in my profile that I prefer a guy who will take the lead in the early stages.  I know if I were to pick up my phone right now and text him, he'd write me back.  And I also know it is unlikely it would go any further. So with this being the status quo, what encouraged me to get back onto the site? Yep, Bachelor #5.  Now