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I Have a Crush

I have a crush.

It's just a little one. No one really knows about it, and it is highly unlikely it will go anywhere. But it's turned out to be key to a big leap in my recovery.

I'm an only child who was a "latch-key kid". I spent endless hours in worlds in my own head, sometimes spurred along by my voracious reading, sometimes purely the work of my own imagination. Like most children, I had an imaginary friend. But, I also had an imaginary husband.

Hey, I never said I was normal.

In my life, I've always seemed most internally happy when I've had some object -- I suppose person would be the better term -- to be desiring, to be starring in my 'fantasies'. (I dislike the term 'fantasies', as it conjures up visions of XXX dreams for me, but I think you all know what I mean.) Most often in my life, that person has been beloved from a distance. A friend or colleague I find attractive, usually. Sometimes that person has been an actual, active lov…

Blast from the Past

My Facebook friends know what happened almost 24 hours ago, but lest you are a follower who isn't a "friend", let me recap.

It was a lovely Saturday evening. I had spent the morning at rehearsal and the afternoon at a baby shower. I was in my living room attaching chains to my newly-made hanging plant shelf, preparing to install it, cursing at my clearly inept wire cutters. That was when I heard the buzzing of my phone in my purse, still on vibrate from the baby shower.

My phone has three vibration patterns. A long buzz means a phone call. Two short buzzes is a text message. And a pattern called "symphony", which is short-short-short-long (think the opening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony), is reserved for D.

Even though it has been over 8 months, D is no "long forgotten memory". You don't spend 3 years of your life as intertwined with another person as he and I were to just *poof* forget about them in a short period. While this is certainly an ov…

"Why is HE texting me?"

I literally said that out loud.

Let me paint the picture for you: I am sitting on a chair at the front of my church, facing the altar. In front of me is a music stand, and then 15 people, also seated. It's a typical early spring Wednesday night, and choir is rehearsing. To my left is another music stand with the top laid flat, supporting my second binder of music for the expanded Holy Week choir, my Dr. Pepper, and my cell phone, which is set on vibrate.

A cell phone in a plastic case on a metal surface on vibrate is loud. When I heard the *BUZZ BUZZ* -- or more like *BZZRATTLEZZ BZZRATTLEZZ*, of course I looked to see who was texting. I expected a female friend, or perhaps a text reminder of an upcoming appointment. (I had knee surgery not quite 6 weeks ago.) Nope. It was an ex.

Not that ex. The other ex. The one from like 5 years ago, who periodically texts to see what my relationship status is and/or if I'm singing with a local group. Usually, the answer is "taken"…

What a Week -- and Not Necessarily a Good One

I've been back on Match now about a week, give or take a few days. Things started off as they normally do: a creeper or two who "wink" at me every chance they get somehow knew I was back on and "winked" at me again; I read through dozens of profiles with grammatical errors and misspellings and exclamation point abuse (ironic since almost every guy says they are "laid back"); I marveled at how a gentleman easily 60+ pounds overweight considers his body type to be "about average" (just try doing that as a woman. Double-standard, anyone?). I was reminded that even though a guy may "wink" and "favorite" you, he will not necessarily reply to an email. And I started chatting with a guy which proceeded to texting and then to setting up a date.

Initially, the date request came a week ago on Sunday. We had just started texting, and I said it was "wine o'clock". He said, "Don't drink alone! Meet me somewhere!…

Well, Why Not?

I rejoined Match again today. I mean, why not? I'm ready to move on, meet new people. So, I updated and reactivated my profile and here we are.

Online dating isn't for everyone. My success with Match has been hit and miss -- granted, more miss than hit, but it would be that way no matter what site I'm on. Otherwise, where else am I going to meet a potential date? I'm not a club/bar kind of girl, so my other options are basically work and church.

Church. When you are a church employee, dating your members isn't exactly encouraged. That is, presuming there is anyone to date. My current church is smallish and in a neighborhood of families. Single men rarely walk through our doors.

Work. I have two jobs. The first, my full time job, has me working in a limited circle of associates, most of whom are female. My other non-church job introduces me to plenty of single men -- who are generally young enough to be my son. I've done the cougar thing before, and it's not…

Waiting on Number 3

It is said that things often come in threes. Celebrity deaths, for example. Or, "good things". The Holy Trinity, for the religious readers. Christians believe Jesus of Nazareth arose from the grave after three days. In numerology, the number 3 is associated with creativity and, at times youthful joy and impulsiveness. Many composers believe in certain "powers" of the keys of Eb and A -- each having 3 of their respective sharps or flats in the key signature.

So far today, I've had two. Two reminders of the past. Very unexpected ones, and not necessarily unpleasant.

The first came at 9:15 or so this morning. I was on my phone working on an email to my boss. Suddenly a text message appeared! Although my phone is quieter in this A.D. period (After D), texts aren't completely rare. However, the person texting me hadn't texted in 14 months. We hadn't otherwise communicated in at least 8 or 10.

You would have to go back practically to the beginning of this…

Freedom, O Freedom

D's son got married today. I've known "the kids" as long as I've known D. Literally. I met them on my first date with D. I was supposed to provide the music for their lakeside ceremony -- my gift to them not only as great people but also a couple doing a wedding on a raggedy shoestring budget.

Instead, as they were exchanging vows, I was recoloring my hair.

Any regrets? Nope. I was just touching up the areas that didn't take as well the first time.

Oh wait, I was talking about missing the kids' wedding. Okay, because they are special people, perhaps I have a tinge of regret. But that is quickly assuaged by the thought of having to see not only D, but both of his ex-wives -- something that would only be funny as a side scene in a slapstick comedy like "The Hangover".

It was some two months ago that D … ended everything. Unexpectedly. Violently. The last time we "talked", he called me up to cuss me out. After that "conversation"…