Online Dating at 36 - The Good, the Bad, & WTH?

A little over a week ago, I was all nervous and edgy about seeing D again for the first time, really, since the split. It turned out, as we know from my last post, just fine. Very well, in fact. But what has happened in the "ever after?" Sure, we both said we wanted to get together again, and we both said, "soon." Lines like that have been said for years between two people and we all know how frequently that happens. "We should do lunch sometime!" almost never occurs. Well, after some good texting during the week, we did get together again. On Saturday we spent almost 7 hours together. We talked, and talked, and talked, and ate barbecue while talking, and talked some more. And then we talked. It was wonderful. Seriously, how many people do we really get in our lives that we can talk to for hours on end, talking about everything and nothing? After 7 hours, neither of us were ready for it to end, but I had to work early the next morning and it was almost 1

Last night was interesting, in a positive way. I'll be up front: I'm perfectly happy with where everything is right now. But I don't feel much like going into the deep, overly-obsessive analysis or even play-by-play that I usually do. It just doesn't feel right to do that, at least not "publicly." The evening was very relaxing and enjoyable. We spent about 4.5 hours together comfortably, first editing his composition over a beer, then dinner out (he insisted on paying, but that was in part to thank me for what I'd done on his composition even though I said it wasn't necessary), and then sitting around in his sun room just talking and watching the moon and clouds outside over another beer. We still can talk about everything and nothing without judgement, and silences are not awkward. He's had a rough few months. As I have blogged before, bipolar disorder is much more challenging of a disease than most people think. He did have a mildly manic epi

That was the subject line of the email I got from Match today, reminding me that my membership expires in 6 days. I haven't decided if I'm going to renew or not, and right now I feel no hurry to make that decision. Yes, they sent me a great "deal" on the cost, but I also know if I essentially play hard-to-get, they'll continue to send me those great "deals." The truth is, like this blog, I haven't been out on Match much at all. In the past month, at least, I have only been on there to check winks and emails received. I couldn't tell you the last time I went through my Daily Matches. I just haven't had much interest in dating. I've started a new job and it has done crazy things to my schedule. One of my other jobs is very stressful right now. Dating has been on the back burner. But a few stories of note, hence why I'm blogging. The Jailbait One guy who emailed me was all of 24 or 25. Being bored and he being reasonably cute, I r

You can probably tell by the title that I have nothing to report. Things have been exceptionally quiet on the dating front. I have not heard from G (#6), nor have I heard from D. I haven't reached out to either one, either. As to the others, the communicating on Match hasn't started up again, and the one that seemed the most "promising," for lack of a better word, now has a hidden profile. Oh, well. It feels very weird to have nothing going right now. I haven't been winked at and I've had very few "likes" recently. Granted, I've only been going through my matches every few days, so I can't complain that love isn't happening when I'm not really doing anything about it. It is a difficult time, too. Most of the schools in the area resume classes on Monday or Tuesday, if they haven't already. People with kids are probably trying to squeeze in one last vacation or wrap up those back-to-school needs, which leaves little time for a s

No, I'm not talking about dating in general, although there are times where I briefly think that. I'm talking about, surprise, surprise, #6. A quick recap: Last weekend, #6 (G) and I set up a lunch date for Tuesday. Monday evening he texted me, saying he was "a dummy" and got his work schedule confused. We found a time on Wednesday instead, thanks to me making some adjustments to my schedule. Wednesday rolls around, and 1.5 hours before we're supposed to meet for date #2, he calls with the car sales drama. A few texts later, and we think Saturday evening might work - again, because I've made some adjustments to my schedule thanks to understanding friends. Last night, I sent a text trying to firm up plans, which he read and did not respond to. This morning, I get a long text, full of apologies, but his ex wants to switch weekends so he has the kids can we try for next week or next weekend? Here is where I am: 1. Clearly, I am making more of an effort than

Right now, I'm supposed to be having lunch with #6, G, because we're supposed to be on date #2. Except I'm sitting at my computer, 30 minutes away from the restaurant we'd agreed to meet at, wearing jeans shorts and the t-shirt I taught two fitness classes in this morning, watching my cat chase bugs on the patio through my office window. At least I have a beer next to me. G called about 1.5 hours before we were supposed to meet. He actually called, first on Face Time and then as a regular phone call, but I was teaching. The Cliff Notes version of his voicemail was that he'd put his car for sale on Craigslist and it sold unexpectedly rapidly, leaving him with a load of cash and no car (other than his motorcycle). He needed to remedy the car situation ASAP, understandably. What I don't understand is why he saw the person buying his car today, knowing he had this date, but I've also sold cars that way and I know that is someone is cash-in-hand, you take the

Just popping up on the blog to post a very quick update. Lunch with #6 has been postponed until tomorrow. He texted last night saying he "was a dummy" and got his work schedule wrong. We actually had a text conversation arranging the new day and time, and it's fortunate for both of our schedules that I can be somewhat flexible with mine. So we're on for Wednesday instead of today. I have finished the transcription that D (the ex) asked me to do. We've been in conversation quite a bit about it through the process, and today when I texted him to let him know I'd dropped it off at his house, a couple texts later he asked a loaded question: what did I think of the piece? Professionalism versus sentimentality! The bell rings! The heart and brain both come out swinging! And both got to answer, because they realize they have no beef with each other. A friend and devoted follower of this blog has speculated that perhaps all this with his composition is a "

Many years ago, I used to work for a boss who another colleague speculated intentionally let things get just enough crazy where the boss could swoop in and fix everything and be the hero, even though he was the one who, through questionable management choices, created the chaos in the first place. Who would realize that? He would be seen as the knight in shining armor, the rescuer of the day. Frankly, it got tiring. Quickly. I do realize that I, myself, seem to live within a certain need of drama and chaos. I don't necessarily go around intentionally creating it or specifically letting things get too kooky, but I can't deny that when there's drama in my life I'm more alive. Psychologists would have a field day with this, I'm sure. I admit it, I have a need for excitement and a desire for activity; a life where nothing really happens just isn't appealing. Some people like quiet and predictable, but apparently I need a little bit of chaos. Yesterday was a bi

It's a two post kind of day, apparently. I mentioned in my previous post of maybe an hour ago that I got an unexpected text from my ex, D.  He was thanking me for the birthday card I had sent him. As I said, I told him he was welcome blah blah blah, and he said thank you to that. I thought that would be it. There was more than enough in his long initial text to throw me into ponder mode. And, to realize I may have been given a truly legitimate escape hatch from #7, on a silver platter no less. Then not too long later, he sent another text. Responding to that was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make to date. I have a web-based business where I do custom musical score creations. Generally I edit from preexisting scores, although I do have a couple of transcriptions to my credit. D trained as a musician, specifically as a pianist and composer. Our shared love of classical music was one of our many bonds. When we first met, he had just started working on an

Recently, I read an article making a case for a sixth sense. Not the ability to be psychic or see dead people, but to make "intuition" a bona fide sense. Some people call it their gut, others say they just have a feeling, but we've all experienced it, and many of us have benefited from it. However, like our other senses, it can be easily ignored. How? Just like seeing something, and yet not believing it. When I've listened to that inner voice, it has most always led me in the right direction. Years ago in undergrad, when it led me to dye my hair almost purple, okay, that wasn't so good. Or to fire off certain emails, one of which led to the end of a relationship, not such hot advice. It's not infallible, that is for sure. How it speaks to us is another matter. Sometimes it's just a little mental tickle, a teeny itch that says, "Something is not right." Sometimes it is waving a caution flag like it's trying out to work for NASCAR. And then

There's an old adage, "be careful what you wish for." We've all heard it, we've probably said it, and we've most likely all experienced it at some level. For example, today when I was teaching my Zumba class it started with all regulars, so I was going to skip over my usual intro spiel, but then did an abbreviated one and laughed with them, saying it was "in case one of them was like a spy for my boss or something." Fast forward 15 minutes into class, and my boss was right around the corner, working out on the cardio machines, and well aware of my class, watching periodically in the mirror. She wasn't officially observing me or anything, but still... I don't necessarily remember asking for more activity on Match, but here it is. It's been a crazy day, starting around 7:30 this morning with an initial email from a gentleman we'll now call Bachelor #7. As the day progressed, I received emails from 4 other gentlemen, most worthy of a r

An update and a dilemma. Because after all, this is my blog-o'-drama. Let's tackle the dilemma first. Tomorrow is D's birthday. Yes, D, the most recent ex, the amicable break-up, the we-can-still-be-friends (after a suitable amount of time) former boyfriend. Ever since the break-up, I've been pondering - well, okay if I'm going to be honest about myself, planning - about his birthday. I texted him on Father's Day, and he was very appreciate of it. I texted again a couple days before the 4th of July, wishing him a good holiday. He replied nicely. I had considered doing something ballsy yet completely within the vein of being friends, such as offering to take him for a cup of coffee or lunch for his birthday. By and large, my friends were not terribly supportive of the idea. I had reason to think I'd be with someone else by then (ha!) so if I wasn't single, that would take a large part of the pressure off. As the days and weeks passed and the distance

...nothing. Much ado about nothing is indeed where my pathetic love life currently stands. On Saturday, the day after my date with #5, A, I left to go to a conference. That morning, A sent me a "travel safe" kind of text. I replied an hour or so later. And that was it. I haven't heard from him again, and I'm juuuust fine with that. While I was gone, a few texts were exchanged with #6, G. Two or three mornings during the conference I was awakened by a "have a great day" text from him, and if I sent the text, he replied. He never mentioned anything about talking, and I had sent him some times where I'd be free of conference responsibilities (to which he'd replied, "sweet"). I texted him when I returned to Missouri, which according to my iPhone was delivered but has not been read. There also exists the possibility it wasn't delivered in spite of what the iPhone says; there were other texts during the conference to friends that were &

Before I say anything about my date tonight with #5, A, let me say this: Shawn & Marlon Wayans are totally worth the money to go see. Seriously. Expect a lot of off-color language, but also expect to laugh until you cry or wet yourself. Or both. So here is the recap of the date with #5. If I can find the words. Around 4:00 or so, he texted asking if 5:30 would be okay instead of 6:00. Sure, I was fine with that. I showered, dressed, and met him at the appointed place at 5:30. Although I had agreed to ride with him, I had insisted we meet at a neutral spot. He knows basically where I live, but there are 14 buildings in my apartment complex which gives me at least one layer of safety. Don't get me wrong, I never felt like my safety was going to be an issue with him -- if I did, I wouldn't have ridden with him -- but my house is my sanctuary. It takes a lot of trust and desire from me to allow somebody into it or to know where exactly I live. That's not going to happen

I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to guys who are actually going to communicate with you, there are three types on Match. (Yes, I know the title of this post says "two." Bear with me for a moment.) In a nutshell, we have: Type 1 - The Communicator Type 2 - The Meeter Type 3 - The Player Going out of order, Type 3 - The Player is the one I avoid at all costs. These are the guys who are looking for a hookup and nothing else. They may pop up in a chat window or send an email or two, but once they think they have you on the chain it becomes all about sex. How soon can you meet up for sex? Will you come over now or later to perform fellatio? (Although obviously worded less gentilly.) So Type 3 is not relevant to this musing. Which leaves us Types 1 & 2. There are pros and cons to each type, and I have yet to determine what is actually the best for me. Type 1 - The Communicator This is the guy who will send lots of email and text messages prior to actu

Sometimes, life throws you curve balls. Great big stinking hit-this-out-of-the-park curve balls, and all you can do is stand there like you've been hit in the forehead with a hammer. In spite of my self-deprecating commentary, I know I am a reasonably attractive person. This is even more so after my weight loss. Still, I've never been one who has had multiple guys interested in me. I've been lucky if one guy is interested in me - and I in him. So for me to schedule two first dates in one week is such virgin territory I don't know what to do with myself. I was supposed to meet Bachelor #6, G, tomorrow night. We had set up a time to meet very late in the evening at one of my favorite bar & grills. On Thursday evenings, I teach back-to-back Zumba classes and don't finish until 7:45. After grabbing a shower and getting pulled together, it would be 8:30 at the earliest when we could meet. Given our respective schedules, that was our only option. So while not idea

Dating is just weird. First up is A, or as he's more commonly known, Bachelor #5. Right now, A is away on a business trip. Since he is a sort of regional manager who works autonomously - mostly out of his home or wherever his laptop is when he is traveling, although he has an office in town - whenever he is at the corporate office his time is fully booked and consumed. That is where he is now, in his words, "running around with his hair on fire."  In spite of that, in spite of his meals also being turned into meetings and the like, he is texting me at every possible opportunity. He is also calling me every night, "even if only for a few minutes." As my yenta says, somebody is apparently already smitten. I'm not so sure how I feel right now. Maybe I need that in-person interaction to help me decide. Maybe I'm just jaded and leery after two back-to-back relationships with guys who became smitten prior to us meeting and then dumped me after two weeks

Last night, after dozens upon dozens of text messages and emails, Bachelor #5 - A - and I had our first phone conversation. We talked for an hour and 10 minutes, which is pretty good for a first conversation. To add to that, we were both exhausted. On Sundays, my alarm goes off between 5:00 and 5:30. He had been up since 3:30 to catch a 6:00 flight, and had subsequently been traveling all day. So a phone conversation at 8:00 pm wouldn't catch either of us at our brightest and best. The conversation was fine. It took a little while to get rolling, but that could be in part the exhaustion and in part nerves. The nerves were more on his end than mine; he's been off the market for about a year or so. I understand where he's coming from, as I've certainly been there. But when the phone call was over, of course I texted my yenta in MN, and I told her I gave the conversation a "B." She zipped back a text that made me stop and think: "Why only a B?" Wh

I've been on and off Match for what, two and a half years now? I'll be the first to admit I'm a bit late to the whole dating thing, having been a "late bloomer" who could always justify my singleness and my hesitancy to try to date. But at some point you'd think I'd start to figure some stuff out, right? After all, I'm above-average in intelligence, I'm very observant, and I learn quickly. Who am I kidding? If I could figure out even a handful of answers, I could stop blogging, write a book, and make a bajillion dollars. Here's an update, such as it is, on Bachelor #6. Or right now, I think I'll call him 6a. I have not gotten a reply to my last email, which both surprises me and doesn't surprise me. However, he did "like" one of my pictures. At 4:50 this morning, according to the email. Yes, I have one eyebrow raised and an otherwise cynical look on my face. He wouldn't be the first to just disappear after a couple o

So on Sunday I reactivated my Match account, as well all know. I wasn't expecting much to happen. It was a holiday week, and it's prime vacation time. I was going to be out of town myself, and not sure how much time I'd have for going through matches and communicating and such. And, unlike the last time I reactivated, my first 24 hours were rather quiet. At some point on Wednesday, I believe, I took the bull by the horns and emailed and winked at some gentlemen. Most had "liked" me or otherwise done something to indicate interest - but Match can be very weird about that, too. Ones I was really interested in were emailed, of course, and others that were more on the fence got winks. Later that day, one of the guys I winked at emailed me. Cue the race announcer! "Aaaaaand.... they're off!" The emails started flying. I had downloaded the Match app and was using that rather than Match mobile. (A vast improvement, take my word for it.) 7 emails on Wedn

And yes, I did. I reactivated my Match account. I'm officially "back out there." I'm a little wounded, a little bruised. I've got some new scars, some new battle wounds. But if I wasn't willing to let my heart be broken, what kind of relationships would I really be having? I've debated. I've vacillated. The last time I communicated with D, it ripped a scab off I didn't even know I had. What would going back out on Match do to my apparently fragile healing process? When I deactivated my account, I told Match it was because I'd met someone on Match. It asked for my new partner's screen name, which I entered. So I have confidence that he will not show up in my matches, nor I in his - if he has also reactivated. (That is certainly one question I will not  be asking.) Life is meant to be lived. D will always have a place in my heart for many, many reasons. Part of me will always love him, and based on our conversations, he, me. But I cannot

Next week -- on Monday, specifically -- I will drive 7 hours due north for my first vacation in basically forever. I'm headed to the Twin Cities of Minnesota to visit one of my best friends, and this trip has recently been dubbed "The 4 Bs: Booze, Baseball, Beaches, and Bitching." Now I'm not looking to do any bitching myself, at least not about men. I don't have a reason to. Yes, I was hurt and confused and all that good stuff, but I was never angry or resentful. Our post-breakup communication has been friendly and without animosity. While we are not yet at the comfort level of friends, we'll eventually get there. It will take time. While I doubt hearing from me in a friendly, "this happened and I thought you'd find it humorous" sort of way would upset him, we both need time and space. Are you sick of reading that basic phrase yet? The bitching will be for my friend, who on Monday renewed her membership in the "unexpectedly single&quo