Online Dating at 36 - The Good, the Bad, & WTH?

When I wrote my last post, I was so optimistic. I had multiple guys lined up for dates and another who was a distance thing that seemed really promising. Now... yeah. Not so much. So M1 still wants a second date, but he doesn't know when. The Doctor and I are meeting for lunch this week, but we all know a relationship isn't in his cards right now. M2 never contacted me after essentially flaking on our date. My 6'4" Kansas Boy (I don't remember what I dubbed him) is still sorta in the cards, but again, not relationship material. The out of town guy seemed really promising. Lots of texting. Lots of pictures, the right kind of pictures. Frequently told me how beautiful I was. Often he'd text things that were putting the cart before the horse, but you can't say he wasn't coming after me hard. Until he wasn't. In the blink of an eye today it was "you should be dating other men, I like the competition" and finally "So let's do thi

I'm not even sure where to begin right now. Let's start with the Doctor. I did hear back the next day. It isn't quite a "two and done", but there's nothing immediate happening. Back story: he has two daughters. One is in grad school, but the other is in high school. The latter daughter is also adopted. If you have kids or have worked with kids, you know some kids end up with attachment issues after being adopted. He and I had already had a discussion about the tan line on his finger where his wedding ring once was. It had only been off "for good" for a couple of months. Why so short, although he's been separated for over 6 months? Because of the 14 year old daughter. Since the divorce is not yet final (although they live in separate residences, etc.), she insists they are "still married" and because of that she would freak if he didn't wear his wedding ring around her. Children are in your life forever, whether biological or a

NOTE: This post was supposed to be posted on November 9. Whoops. Fair warning: I'm pretty blue right now. It seems two and done is the name of the game right now. First there was NDD. Now the Doctor seems to be a two and done. The second date went really well. Then he got sick with a cold and the texting dwindled. And dwindled. I asked him if he was ghosting me, and if he was, to just be upfront about it. "After last night, why do you think I would be ghosting you?" It was a valid point, but didn't explain the behavior. Yesterday I texted him asking to get on his calendar for Tuesday. He thought it might work, said he needed to check his schedule. He was going out of town on Wednesday and hadn't decided if he was leaving "early, early Wednesday morning" or Tuesday evening. Even though we exchanged a few texts, I never really heard back. Today I texted him that I hoped he was feeling better, that I felt his interest in me was waning, if I wa

Among my general rules on Tinder is if a guy doesn't have a picture of themselves up, I'll pretty much automatically swipe left. Nope. Usually that's a flag that they are looking to cheat on someone or are otherwise catting around on the down low. But up popped a profile of a guy named... C... whose explanation for not having a picture up was because he had also come across some of his students on Tinder. But the kicker is that in his profile, where he actually wrote some stuff, is that he said he was "Sapio". If you don't know why "Sapio" is, it refers to sapiosexual. That's not some new sexual or gender identity, it means that someone is attracted to intelligence. I am also sapiosexual. While physical attraction is certainly an important factor, looks will fade. We will get gray, wrinkly, saggy, and gain (or lose) weight. Hair may disappear. And you can only spend so much time getting frisky. A great conversation is a key factor for me. Frank

Welcome back after intermission, sports fans! At the conclusion of the previous blog post, I had just started to introduce NDD, or "Newly Divorced Dad". Like his nickname implies, he is recently divorced and a dad. Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious! He is the same age as me, although technically 7 months younger almost to the day. Educated, articulate, and a teacher. Lives quite close to me, which is a nice bonus. And because I know some people at the school he teaches at, I was able to get a character reference before ever meeting him from someone I trusted, someone who I knew would tell me to steer clear if appropriate. The trusted friend gave NDD a glowing recommendation. We agreed that we wanted to meet. There was definite eager interest on both ends. But alas, a problem! It was Monday. I was leaving to go out of town early Wednesday morning and I was way behind on my preparations. What to do?! Meet for drinks -- and dinner -- on Tuesday night. Duh. Many

For those who may not know, my actual life is that of a classical musician. One of my professors in grad school used to say when things went awry that "even Bach had his Mondays". That was his way of saying that even people who are considered masters of their art form have off days and don't produce their best work. It's been about 3 months since I last blogged, and in that time there have been quite a few Mondays. "Larry" and I decided to be FWB, and that has had more ups and down than a rollercoaster. Granted, a lot of ups. Fundamentally, he is a good guy who doesn't know what the heck he wants out of life and is staring down the barrel of the shotgun known as turning 50. And if we're going to be perfectly honest, he's also a functional alcoholic. Last night I was asked what exactly I meant by that, a "functional alcoholic". I am not opposed to unwinding in the evening with a cocktail or two, or the occasional beer. Sometimes, I o

Welcome back, sports fans! In the last update episode, "Larry" (not his real name) and I had agreed to be friends, and even friends with benefits. He had spent the night. I was calling him -- on this blog -- weird for still using terms of affection with me. Things were left open-ended. That was a week and a half, and yet a lifetime ago. Since then, I've met more of his friends. I've been to his house, met his roommates. We text daily, frequently. He's been over a couple of times since the last post. In fact, when he left at 6:30 this morning, we were coming off spending just shy of 36 non-stop hours together. Two nights and a full day. He and I work in the same basic industry, and as such our schedules are somewhat inconsistent. We both get two days off per week, but there's little stability in which days those are. His hours are set, always the same the days he works. Mine are not, both in what hours I work and how many. He has one consistent day off

I honestly don't know a single person who would disagree with the title of this post, male and female and non-binary alike. And in the interest of fairness and equality, women are pretty odd, too. But if I ever understand the creature that is the male human, I will write a book and make eleven million dollars and then be shredded on Reddit, Twitter, and a bunch of other sites I rarely go on for "getting it all wrong". Then I'll write a follow-up, make another eleven million dollars, and retire to an island somewhere where my internet will only allow me to watch Netflix and Hulu and YouTube, get on to Facebook, email my literary agent, watch cat videos, and play my games. Until then, though, we are at the present. It is shortly after 8:00 in the morning. I have mostly finished my cup of coffee, which is why I can put words together into sentences after a night where sleep was at times fleeting. That's what happens when you share your bed with someone who is worse

So obviously, it has been quite the week or so. There have been ups, and there have been downs. In fact, let's recap the past 10 months. October: Get catfished and then stalked, file police report. Meet a guy from Match, have a fabulous date. Cancel a date with another guy to go on date #2, which ends up being a dud. Make reparations with the guy I canceled on, go on a date, fireworks, relationship. December: get dumped by relationship guy. Merry Christmas. Reconnect with Match guy and go on several dates. Continue to realize just how weird Match guy is. Early January: contract life-threatening infection, go to ER and get admitted to hospital. Have a 4 hour emergency surgery, spend 8 days at the Hospital "Hilton", then 6 weeks on full disability. February: contemplate life. Heal. Get strong enough to sit up without needing my heavy duty brace. Go back to "light duty" at one job. Random chatting with Match guy, who is now firmly in my mind just a friend.

So about 20 minutes or so ago, I blocked one of the "gentlemen" I had been chatting with. Why? Because he was a scammer. Yep, another one. Fortunately, because this one had given me so many red flags -- and frankly, once bitten, twice shy -- I shut him down early. So I thought I should pass along My Guide to Spotting Scammers. 1. They are usually out-of-town on "business", which is why they can't meet just yet. Sometimes they are "in the military" and their locations "have to be kept secret", which is clearly BS because secret locations won't allow you to be on Google Hangouts. In this case, he "owned his own business" and was "in California on a job". 2. They get evasive when you ask for any truly identifiable information, and then claim they've never been evasive. Phone number? Never got one. Name of his "business"? Never got that. Pointed out he was evasive? "I've answered all your questio

It is almost 10:00 at night on the Fourth of July, and I can hear around my apartment the rapid-fire explosions of multiple firework shows. Given that the summer days are getting longer, it hasn't been dark enough, really, all that long for a show. But rain is in the forecast. From my third story vantage, I can barely make out a few colored flares of light from my north-facing bedroom window. Any other firework shows are obscured by trees and buildings. I am in bed, waiting for the blissful peace of slumber to draw me into its depths. For many people, days like today are fun and festive. Family gathers, the barbecue grill is fired up, and children squeal with the snap! of a firecracker. Pies are celebrated, and somewhere a local band is playing Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever", where I can assure you the piccolos are out of tune yet no one cares because they are decked out in their red, white, and blue and everyone is simply enjoying the live music. For some

Really, I don't know what to title this blog post. But "ugggggggh" is very much how I'm feeling right now. So I'll just lay out what is going on, and then you all can join me in the "uggggggh" chorus. I think on this blog I called him MG, or Match Guy. To recap, we went on a couple dates. I was more into him than he was into me and after date #2 that was that. Then I met someone else, got into a relationship, that ended, and MG started texting again. We went on a few dates that were nebulous, then I got sick. Since then, it's only been texting (and also blowing up my FB messenger, which we've had a few conversations about). He's suggested plans only to not follow through. A common friend thinks he's on the spectrum and I tend to agree. Well, today he finally followed through on plans and we're meeting for dinner at 5:00. So why the "ugggggggh"? A couple months ago we agreed we were just friends. Today, when he mentioned

Years ago, maybe 20 or so, I read a statistic that said that the more education a woman had, the less likely she was to ever find a fulfilling relationship. Actually, I believe it said she was less likely to get married, but same difference, really. Ever since I read that, I've lived in fear of it. I always hoped I'd be an exception, that somewhere there was a guy who wouldn't be threatened by my degrees and successes. I thought because "Larry's" attraction required intellectual compatibility, he might actually be one of those guys. Nope. On Saturday, I met up with him and a dozen or so of his friends at a party for one of their birthdays. Apparently, this was quite a Big Deal, as he had never before brought a woman around to his friends. I could tell he was a little bit on the fringe of the friends, but I'd been warned they were all extroverts and neither of us were. So I get it. I began to connect with his friends and have a good time. When he was ar

So after being ghosted by 3 different guys, I was trying hard to stay positive and keep myself out there. It's not easy. If you're someone who is trying to date, you understand. If you are happily in a relationship, have patience with your friends who are trying to date. It's hard on your self-esteem. However, it was a good thing I did stay out there, because I matched with a guy we'll call Larry. (Not his real name, obvs.) His profile was quirky, his pictures were reasonably handsome, and he came across in his "card", as Tinder calls them, as an intelligent and nice guy. His first message to me was a question about a well-known Baroque composer. Not exactly the usual line I get, to say the least. So we exchanged a few messages about that, then he sent me a video about a certain kind of musical rhythm and asked me about that. I obliged, although I was starting to feel like I was teaching music appreciation via Tinder message. But a few messages later, an

After dallying around with a couple younger guys who were mostly interested in the physical, I considered my Cougar Card punched and retired. I made a rule for myself: no more younger guys. (When I say younger, I mean 7+ years younger.) They can be fun, but usually not looking for what I'm looking for. Now a pro -- and a con -- to Tinder is that there is no such thing as search criteria. No way to limit age, distance, etc. After being on eHarmony and Match in the past, there's something to be said for a wider field. But when the age range of guys swiping right on you is upper twenties through mid-fifties, sometimes you wish for a little more control. I have some guidelines when I'm going through my Tinder likes. Generally not too much younger than me. The list of reasons I'm guaranteed to swipe left (to which I add a new one, any picture of a guy wearing a MAGA hat). Too far away. No profile information. And sometimes, you just have to take a chance. A gentleman

Things seemed to be going really well. The gentleman I talked of in my previous post, we were texting, flirting. On paper, we seemed like a great match. Over texting, everything seemed to be going well. Until I kept pressing to actually meet him. Those who know of the stalked saga would understand why I have some trust issues with guys I meet online. Until we've met in person, I take everything a guy tells me with a grain of salt. So if I haven't met you, I'm going to be skeptical. The texting was going fine until his side started getting... monotonous. He has a slightly freaky sexual side that I'm okay with; frankly it's something that is not uncommon. But the texts focused on that. He claimed to be looking for a long term relationship, not a hookup, but only texted about sex. Sent me images from porn sites, wanted me to do the same. He also said he wanted me to be in control, be the alpha female. So I told him, based on what he'd told me about his sche

Well, I've started chatting in earnest with a gentleman off Tinder. Our conversations have been great. The more we get to know each other, the more intrigued I am. I'm very anxious to meet him. The problem is, our first date had to be cancelled and is yet to be rescheduled. A little bit about him, without sharing too much: he's tall and extremely fit. How fit? He does "ultra" races for fun. If you don't know what an ultra race is, it's usually at least 50 miles running, over 100 miles cycling. Last weekend, he did a 100 mile off-road bike race. On his bucket list is to run a 100 mile race. Run. 100 miles. That's just shy of 4 marathons. But he's not one of those scrawny, zero body fat, all-I-do-is-run body types. I'd probably die trying to run a 5k, and I work out regularly. He's very good looking and very successful at his job, where he's ascended the ranks to be a Vice President. Being a Capricorn and very much attracted to su

So as I said in my last post, I'm back on Tinder. And I'm sure I've made a post like this before, but here's my updated list of things that are pretty guaranteed to make me swipe left. 1. No picture, or making me dig for one. Now, you might think me having to check out your profile to see a picture of you is cunning. I find it annoying. What are you hiding? Why won't you put your face out there for all to see? Are you cheating on someone? Are you that unattractive? Are you that technologically inept where you don't know how to make an actual picture of you the first thing I see? 2. Bad pictures of yourself. In this day and age, 99% of the population has a phone that has a camera. There's no excuse for bad selfies. Or blurry selfies. Have a friend who knows how to focus take a picture of you. Watch a YouTube video on how to take a good selfie. Do a Google search. There's probably a library book if you're that much of a luddite. 3. Lots and l

My last post was January 2. I was excited to "reclaim my body" and slightly annoyed with MG (Match Guy). Little did I know what would happen beginning just 2 days later. For those who are not my Facebook friends, here is what happened -- and why I've been absent for almost 6 months. On Friday, January 4, I felt like I was coming down with the flu. I took my temperature and it was elevated. I took Tylenol and started to do All The Right Things (TM). My fever spiked at 103.2*, but quickly came back down and settled in the 100.5*-101.5* range.  Over the weekend my temperature remained consistent in that low grade fever, but I continued to add worsening symptoms. By Saturday at noon, I just wanted to be in bed. Monday morning, I called my doctor's office. Being the daughter of a nurse and well versed in medicalese, when they called me back that afternoon I was honest and thorough with the nurse about everything that was happening. Her conclusion was that I had eithe

I did end up hearing from MG yesterday while I was a work. He sent a perky text wishing me a Happy New Year and that he was at his grandma's a couple hours away. My first thought was, "his grandmother is still alive?" (MG is about 8 years older than me.) But I lost all grandparents I had any emotional attachment to in the late 1980's, so I have to stop and remember that my situation is not the norm. Then I have to admit I was pleased to hear from him, and that he didn't mention any food. Me, being me, replied with a sassy text, and I texted him today along the lines of his favorite subject. But in spite of that, I've made a decision. I'm not calling it a "New Year's Resolution" or anything like that. It's merely a decision. I'm taking back my body. I am who I am. I am the size that I am. If I want to be thinner, then by all means I know how to do it and I will take those steps. If I want to be heavier (God only know why ), I

Happy 2019! I celebrated as I usually do -- alone. At home, eating something unhealthy and drinking plenty, watching Netflix and ending up in bed well before midnight. I almost  saw the birth of 2019, as I lost track of time watching YouTube videos, but ultimately crashed literally minutes before 12:00. I would never make it as a Cinderella. And in keeping with my "tradition", no kiss at midnight for me. It's never happened, and with each passing year I can't help but lose a little bit of hope that it ever will. But what about MG? Good question. Two days ago, he spent an hour or so of his morning blowing up my phone as usual. I fell sick the day after my birthday (28th) but he continued to be in contact, telling me all about the "private coaching" I was "soon to get". Translated: the meal he was going to cook for me soon. Promises of pasta with Alfredo sauce, lots of garlic bread, and Ferrero Rocher candies he'd bought for me. Time to