Time to Spill the Beans
Hey sports fans! It’s been a hot minute or six since I last blogged. I know some of you have been clamoring for the drama and nonsense that is my alleged love life, and yet I haven’t felt the need or desire to blog.
Until today.
I’m going to be upfront. I’m not in a good place when it comes to my heart. I was just having a text conversation with a good friend and I told him I was about ready to lock my heart away. He countered that hearts should always be open. My response to that was when body parts are bruised, battered, broken, shattered, we wrap them in bandages and casts until they are healed.
So let’s talk about the latest (and semi-current), shall we?
We’ll call him HH, which as has become my more recent custom, are not his initials. We met in January on ye ol’ Tinder. To say things were fast and spontaneous would be like saying fire is hot. It was a lazy day off for me and I was scrolling through my recent likes. I swiped right on him, and then he disappeared. Weird, but that sometimes happens on Tinder. A few minutes later, he pops up with a message. We start chatting back and forth, and agree to meet for a drink that afternoon since we both had the day off.
We meet up and he looks like his picture (phew) and from the start his strong personality shown through. I like men with relatively strong personalities, since I have a strong personality myself. He was humorous and the conversation was fairly easy. I ordered a happy hour beverage, and he ordered... soda. Turns out, he doesn’t drink alcohol. He has never given me a solid, clear reason beyond “I don’t like who I become when I drink”, but he hasn’t touched a drop in almost 20 years and has no issues being around it. Still, I feel awkward on a first date drinking when I know my date doesn’t drink.
I then learned of his impulsive nature. We were debating getting some food, and he invited me to come to his place so he could cook for me. Only then did he start thinking through what groceries he had, and we decided eating where we were was preferable to frozen chicken nuggets.
They’re for his kids. He himself is a bit of a health fanatic.
After dinner we did go to his place. We talked. We did adult things. I went home. It was a nice 6 or 7 hours we spent together,
The next day it snowed, and again we were both off from work. He wanted to get together; I didn’t want to drive in several inches of snow in my little car. Since he has a big luxury SUV, he offered to come get me, and I agreed. It was a lovely day, really. We spent about 8 hours together doing all sorts of things. He cooked for me, although I taught him better ways to cook chicken. We had fun. Things seemed to be progressing down the relationship path and we were both okay with that.
Here’s where I stop and fill in a couple blanks. He’s a few years older than me — I’m embarrassed to say I don’t remember his age. He’s in the process of gettting divorced. His wife asked for it after almost 20 years of marriage, but she is now dragging her feet in getting the paperwork filed. Three cute kids, and he’s a great father. He has an MBA and currently works in an intense but lucrative job. Those days off he had in January were the end of his vacation between jobs.
So after a couple of great days, we were both back to work and texting daily. Awwww. Because of our schedules, seeing each other was tricky but we tried our best to make time together. Only a week after we met, I had shoulder surgery. It was also during this time that his ex-wife (we’ll just call her that) started abusing his generosity. Their custody agreement had him with the kids every other weekend, but she was asking him to take them every weekend. He loves his kids. He would do anything for them, including sacrifice his own free time. I understood.
February rolls along, and with it Valentine’s Day. I told him clearly I didn’t think we should exchange gifts, and he was good with that. We’d only been dating about 5 weeks then and I felt it was just too soon, too much pressure. Plus we were only seeing each other every couple of weeks and hadn’t been out and about like “normal” couples would.
However, like “normal” couples, we had our first fight. And this would define the relationship and all that was to follow.
I like to tease via text, but the problem with that is that texts are often misconstrued. I try to include emojis and such to make it clear that I’m joking, but it doesn’t always fly. So I had sent him one of my daily hello texts, and his reply left me a little put out, so I sent back a teasing text. The response I got literally stopped me dead in my tracks. When I say literally, I mean literally. It was a slow day at work and I was walking through my department when I read the text and I came to a screeching halt.
First, he exasperatedly wrote about how tired he was that if he didn’t respond in a way that I wanted, he always got some sassy reply text. Okay, valid. These kinds of conversations need to be had. But then he said, “I didn’t realize I had a girlfriend.”
Whoa.
We’d been texting daily. I’d asked him if I was texting too much, and he always said that he loved it. He’d deleted Tinder, and I had done the same. Granted, we hadn’t had THAT conversation, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Apparently not.
I told him apparently I had misunderstood how things were between us, I apologized, and said I would let him lead the way. My heart was pretty shredded. My coworkers saw it on my face no matter how valiantly I tried to hide it, and I was encouraged by people I’m not even close to to take time off the floor, go wherever I needed to and cry. They were even recommending good places that would keep me away from most questions.
I spent the next few days in a somewhat numb, zombie stupor. I refused to text him and kept waiting to hear from him. Of course, those texts didn’t come for over two weeks.
Then came the fresh hell that would define 2020: the COVID19 shutdown. My work went from normal but with copious amounts of sanitizing on my part (I found a secret stash of contraband Clorox wipes and tucked them into my tower) to us becoming a mini-distribution center, to the store being closed but we were still being paid, to fully furloughed. Meanwhile, he was still working although to this day I do not understand how his job was “essential”.
In addition to working, with his kids out of school that made co-parenting with a reportedly difficult ex even more challenging. My odds of seeing him dropped even more. But every couple of weeks we would get together in spite of the pandemic. We would make dinner, chat, fool around. A couple, three hours and then I would go home. It was becoming clear this was just casual, and I was actually okay with that.
Now that life is gradually returning to a new normal, whatever it is that HH and I have continues to be odd. What I am learning, though, is the extent of his self-admitted narcissism. Having dated someone with narcissistic tendencies before, I know what to expect. I also know I should just get out, but nooooooo. The manipulation is becoming more prominent. There are times where he’s been there for me, and times where... well, our most recent spat.
“Am I just sex to you” has been a recurring theme from me to him. He swears I’m not. But the last time we hung out, I was delivering some stuff I’d purchased on his behalf from the store. Aside from sex, I’ve been very useful for decorating advice. We installed the new items and chatted, then we decided to watch something on Netflix so I could take in the wonder that is his new 60’ TV.
Okay, it’s not really 60’, but it’s huge. Men and their TVs.
We were maybe 30 minutes into a documentary that was both interesting and boring when he turned to me and said, “so are we going to fuck or what?” It definitely caught me by surprise, and then he followed with that he was at that point where if we were it needed to happen because of his bedtime (he goes to bed early) but he was okay without, blah blah blah. We ended up having what was for me very average sex, and I went home. But his comment chewed at me for a couple days, so I reached out and said that I wanted to talk in person about something that had happened because our texts sometimes are misunderstood.
This became drama.
What did I want to talk about? Was it about something that happened at work? Was it something between us? What was going on? I really tried to stick to my guns about talking in person, but he really wasn’t having any of that. I admitted it was something he had said to me, but maybe we should just drop it.
That’s when the narcissist came out. He told me I was causing drama. “Lame.” He said this more than once, and with each text my self esteem went lower and lower. Finally I told him what he had said and that it made me feel cheap. He apologized and said it was supposed to be a joke but his humor sometimes falls flat. (I didn’t buy that, but I didn’t say anything.) He apologized more than once, and I told him everything was okay, and I appreciated his apology.
Since then, I just feel in my gut that things are weird between us. We had one brief conversation that was okay. Then I sent a couple of flirty texts over several days, and didn’t get a response. I honestly thought he was ghosting me. On Father’s Day I sent him a “Happy Father’s Day” text and was surprised I got a reply.
I don’t know where I stand with him. I don’t know where I want to stand with him. He has a lot of great qualities, but at the same time I’m seeing warning signs. I think my fear is being 100% single again. For the last year I’ve had someone to fall back on, for lack of a better term. I had a FWB and we got together regularly. Then I had HH. Now I don’t know where I am with HH and my FWB is in a relationship. In a week, I change jobs and it’s a huge change, which is probably where much of my insecurity is stemming from.
So I blog. I continue to try to train (ha!) my new cat, as Zen lost his battle with hyperthyroidism in April. And I wait to figure stuff out, because really the job change is enough stress right now. Men can wait.
Until today.
I’m going to be upfront. I’m not in a good place when it comes to my heart. I was just having a text conversation with a good friend and I told him I was about ready to lock my heart away. He countered that hearts should always be open. My response to that was when body parts are bruised, battered, broken, shattered, we wrap them in bandages and casts until they are healed.
So let’s talk about the latest (and semi-current), shall we?
We’ll call him HH, which as has become my more recent custom, are not his initials. We met in January on ye ol’ Tinder. To say things were fast and spontaneous would be like saying fire is hot. It was a lazy day off for me and I was scrolling through my recent likes. I swiped right on him, and then he disappeared. Weird, but that sometimes happens on Tinder. A few minutes later, he pops up with a message. We start chatting back and forth, and agree to meet for a drink that afternoon since we both had the day off.
We meet up and he looks like his picture (phew) and from the start his strong personality shown through. I like men with relatively strong personalities, since I have a strong personality myself. He was humorous and the conversation was fairly easy. I ordered a happy hour beverage, and he ordered... soda. Turns out, he doesn’t drink alcohol. He has never given me a solid, clear reason beyond “I don’t like who I become when I drink”, but he hasn’t touched a drop in almost 20 years and has no issues being around it. Still, I feel awkward on a first date drinking when I know my date doesn’t drink.
I then learned of his impulsive nature. We were debating getting some food, and he invited me to come to his place so he could cook for me. Only then did he start thinking through what groceries he had, and we decided eating where we were was preferable to frozen chicken nuggets.
They’re for his kids. He himself is a bit of a health fanatic.
After dinner we did go to his place. We talked. We did adult things. I went home. It was a nice 6 or 7 hours we spent together,
The next day it snowed, and again we were both off from work. He wanted to get together; I didn’t want to drive in several inches of snow in my little car. Since he has a big luxury SUV, he offered to come get me, and I agreed. It was a lovely day, really. We spent about 8 hours together doing all sorts of things. He cooked for me, although I taught him better ways to cook chicken. We had fun. Things seemed to be progressing down the relationship path and we were both okay with that.
Here’s where I stop and fill in a couple blanks. He’s a few years older than me — I’m embarrassed to say I don’t remember his age. He’s in the process of gettting divorced. His wife asked for it after almost 20 years of marriage, but she is now dragging her feet in getting the paperwork filed. Three cute kids, and he’s a great father. He has an MBA and currently works in an intense but lucrative job. Those days off he had in January were the end of his vacation between jobs.
So after a couple of great days, we were both back to work and texting daily. Awwww. Because of our schedules, seeing each other was tricky but we tried our best to make time together. Only a week after we met, I had shoulder surgery. It was also during this time that his ex-wife (we’ll just call her that) started abusing his generosity. Their custody agreement had him with the kids every other weekend, but she was asking him to take them every weekend. He loves his kids. He would do anything for them, including sacrifice his own free time. I understood.
February rolls along, and with it Valentine’s Day. I told him clearly I didn’t think we should exchange gifts, and he was good with that. We’d only been dating about 5 weeks then and I felt it was just too soon, too much pressure. Plus we were only seeing each other every couple of weeks and hadn’t been out and about like “normal” couples would.
However, like “normal” couples, we had our first fight. And this would define the relationship and all that was to follow.
I like to tease via text, but the problem with that is that texts are often misconstrued. I try to include emojis and such to make it clear that I’m joking, but it doesn’t always fly. So I had sent him one of my daily hello texts, and his reply left me a little put out, so I sent back a teasing text. The response I got literally stopped me dead in my tracks. When I say literally, I mean literally. It was a slow day at work and I was walking through my department when I read the text and I came to a screeching halt.
First, he exasperatedly wrote about how tired he was that if he didn’t respond in a way that I wanted, he always got some sassy reply text. Okay, valid. These kinds of conversations need to be had. But then he said, “I didn’t realize I had a girlfriend.”
Whoa.
We’d been texting daily. I’d asked him if I was texting too much, and he always said that he loved it. He’d deleted Tinder, and I had done the same. Granted, we hadn’t had THAT conversation, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Apparently not.
I told him apparently I had misunderstood how things were between us, I apologized, and said I would let him lead the way. My heart was pretty shredded. My coworkers saw it on my face no matter how valiantly I tried to hide it, and I was encouraged by people I’m not even close to to take time off the floor, go wherever I needed to and cry. They were even recommending good places that would keep me away from most questions.
I spent the next few days in a somewhat numb, zombie stupor. I refused to text him and kept waiting to hear from him. Of course, those texts didn’t come for over two weeks.
Then came the fresh hell that would define 2020: the COVID19 shutdown. My work went from normal but with copious amounts of sanitizing on my part (I found a secret stash of contraband Clorox wipes and tucked them into my tower) to us becoming a mini-distribution center, to the store being closed but we were still being paid, to fully furloughed. Meanwhile, he was still working although to this day I do not understand how his job was “essential”.
In addition to working, with his kids out of school that made co-parenting with a reportedly difficult ex even more challenging. My odds of seeing him dropped even more. But every couple of weeks we would get together in spite of the pandemic. We would make dinner, chat, fool around. A couple, three hours and then I would go home. It was becoming clear this was just casual, and I was actually okay with that.
Now that life is gradually returning to a new normal, whatever it is that HH and I have continues to be odd. What I am learning, though, is the extent of his self-admitted narcissism. Having dated someone with narcissistic tendencies before, I know what to expect. I also know I should just get out, but nooooooo. The manipulation is becoming more prominent. There are times where he’s been there for me, and times where... well, our most recent spat.
“Am I just sex to you” has been a recurring theme from me to him. He swears I’m not. But the last time we hung out, I was delivering some stuff I’d purchased on his behalf from the store. Aside from sex, I’ve been very useful for decorating advice. We installed the new items and chatted, then we decided to watch something on Netflix so I could take in the wonder that is his new 60’ TV.
Okay, it’s not really 60’, but it’s huge. Men and their TVs.
We were maybe 30 minutes into a documentary that was both interesting and boring when he turned to me and said, “so are we going to fuck or what?” It definitely caught me by surprise, and then he followed with that he was at that point where if we were it needed to happen because of his bedtime (he goes to bed early) but he was okay without, blah blah blah. We ended up having what was for me very average sex, and I went home. But his comment chewed at me for a couple days, so I reached out and said that I wanted to talk in person about something that had happened because our texts sometimes are misunderstood.
This became drama.
What did I want to talk about? Was it about something that happened at work? Was it something between us? What was going on? I really tried to stick to my guns about talking in person, but he really wasn’t having any of that. I admitted it was something he had said to me, but maybe we should just drop it.
That’s when the narcissist came out. He told me I was causing drama. “Lame.” He said this more than once, and with each text my self esteem went lower and lower. Finally I told him what he had said and that it made me feel cheap. He apologized and said it was supposed to be a joke but his humor sometimes falls flat. (I didn’t buy that, but I didn’t say anything.) He apologized more than once, and I told him everything was okay, and I appreciated his apology.
Since then, I just feel in my gut that things are weird between us. We had one brief conversation that was okay. Then I sent a couple of flirty texts over several days, and didn’t get a response. I honestly thought he was ghosting me. On Father’s Day I sent him a “Happy Father’s Day” text and was surprised I got a reply.
I don’t know where I stand with him. I don’t know where I want to stand with him. He has a lot of great qualities, but at the same time I’m seeing warning signs. I think my fear is being 100% single again. For the last year I’ve had someone to fall back on, for lack of a better term. I had a FWB and we got together regularly. Then I had HH. Now I don’t know where I am with HH and my FWB is in a relationship. In a week, I change jobs and it’s a huge change, which is probably where much of my insecurity is stemming from.
So I blog. I continue to try to train (ha!) my new cat, as Zen lost his battle with hyperthyroidism in April. And I wait to figure stuff out, because really the job change is enough stress right now. Men can wait.
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