Two and Done (Late Post)
NOTE: This post was supposed to be posted on November 9. Whoops.
Fair warning: I'm pretty blue right now.
It seems two and done is the name of the game right now. First there was NDD. Now the Doctor seems to be a two and done. The second date went really well. Then he got sick with a cold and the texting dwindled. And dwindled. I asked him if he was ghosting me, and if he was, to just be upfront about it. "After last night, why do you think I would be ghosting you?"
It was a valid point, but didn't explain the behavior.
Yesterday I texted him asking to get on his calendar for Tuesday. He thought it might work, said he needed to check his schedule. He was going out of town on Wednesday and hadn't decided if he was leaving "early, early Wednesday morning" or Tuesday evening. Even though we exchanged a few texts, I never really heard back. Today I texted him that I hoped he was feeling better, that I felt his interest in me was waning, if I was wrong he knew how to get a hold of me, and I was just going to gracefully let him go. I was glad to have met him.
Haven't heard anything, and I can't say I'm surprised.
Monday evening I'm having coffee with another guy. I can't say I'm all that into him, but maybe it's my current mood. I received bad financial news today on top of this situation with the Doctor. Plus, my FWB, who is really one of my best friends, is being particularly distant right now. I'm feeling very lonely. Don't get me wrong; I have many great friends and they are concerned about me. But there's a void that can't be easily filled right now. I miss my friend -- I don't care about the benefits, I just miss my friend. It didn't help that the last text I got from him made the assumption that anything I would send to him would have either attitude or a guilt trip. I have to admit that really, really stung.
I'm getting tired. Tired of messaging back and forth with guys and after a few hours that's it. Tired of scrolling through the "likes" only to find men "just looking for some fun" or wanting to cheat on their wives/girlfriends or guys who just aren't my type. Lately at work I've been out in an area of the store where I see most everyone who comes through our doors, and I watch couple after couple go by. What did it for them? How did they find each other? When did they know it was love? Why has this been denied to me?
I know these are questions that don't have answers. I know some reading this will say, "Love will happen when it's meant to!" while others will say, "Don't get discouraged! Keep putting yourself out there!" But it's hard. Really hard. It's hard to be vulnerable and be rejected for no particular reason. It's hard to hear how beautiful you are, how attractive, how smart, how talented, how this, how that... and yet continually be denied the most basic of relationships.
Tonight, I know I will not sleep alone. Depression will be my bedmate. She is a cruel mistress. She may keep me up all night, tossing, turning, fretting. She may bring tears to my eyes and a deep, overwhelming sadness to my heart. She will leave me wanting, needing, hurting, and unfulfilled. I might be able to push her down and away with medication or alcohol, but that is only a temporary reprieve. I may bury myself in work, where well-meaning friends will want me to put words to that which I cannot, and where my limited patience is tried by the reality of customer service.
Fair warning: I'm pretty blue right now.
It seems two and done is the name of the game right now. First there was NDD. Now the Doctor seems to be a two and done. The second date went really well. Then he got sick with a cold and the texting dwindled. And dwindled. I asked him if he was ghosting me, and if he was, to just be upfront about it. "After last night, why do you think I would be ghosting you?"
It was a valid point, but didn't explain the behavior.
Yesterday I texted him asking to get on his calendar for Tuesday. He thought it might work, said he needed to check his schedule. He was going out of town on Wednesday and hadn't decided if he was leaving "early, early Wednesday morning" or Tuesday evening. Even though we exchanged a few texts, I never really heard back. Today I texted him that I hoped he was feeling better, that I felt his interest in me was waning, if I was wrong he knew how to get a hold of me, and I was just going to gracefully let him go. I was glad to have met him.
Haven't heard anything, and I can't say I'm surprised.
Monday evening I'm having coffee with another guy. I can't say I'm all that into him, but maybe it's my current mood. I received bad financial news today on top of this situation with the Doctor. Plus, my FWB, who is really one of my best friends, is being particularly distant right now. I'm feeling very lonely. Don't get me wrong; I have many great friends and they are concerned about me. But there's a void that can't be easily filled right now. I miss my friend -- I don't care about the benefits, I just miss my friend. It didn't help that the last text I got from him made the assumption that anything I would send to him would have either attitude or a guilt trip. I have to admit that really, really stung.
I'm getting tired. Tired of messaging back and forth with guys and after a few hours that's it. Tired of scrolling through the "likes" only to find men "just looking for some fun" or wanting to cheat on their wives/girlfriends or guys who just aren't my type. Lately at work I've been out in an area of the store where I see most everyone who comes through our doors, and I watch couple after couple go by. What did it for them? How did they find each other? When did they know it was love? Why has this been denied to me?
I know these are questions that don't have answers. I know some reading this will say, "Love will happen when it's meant to!" while others will say, "Don't get discouraged! Keep putting yourself out there!" But it's hard. Really hard. It's hard to be vulnerable and be rejected for no particular reason. It's hard to hear how beautiful you are, how attractive, how smart, how talented, how this, how that... and yet continually be denied the most basic of relationships.
Tonight, I know I will not sleep alone. Depression will be my bedmate. She is a cruel mistress. She may keep me up all night, tossing, turning, fretting. She may bring tears to my eyes and a deep, overwhelming sadness to my heart. She will leave me wanting, needing, hurting, and unfulfilled. I might be able to push her down and away with medication or alcohol, but that is only a temporary reprieve. I may bury myself in work, where well-meaning friends will want me to put words to that which I cannot, and where my limited patience is tried by the reality of customer service.
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