Updates and Ruminations
Well, good evening blog followers. It's a lovely, if not slightly chilly evening in mid-April. It is my first evening at home in quite a while - at least three weeks. I am relaxing on the couch, enjoying a cocktail after a delicious homemade dinner, and obviously blogging. There's much to catch up on, and yet nothing to report. We'll take it one gentleman at a time.
Mr. M
The most recent candidate, Mr. M and I are casual acquaintances at best right now. He is needing to focus on his divorce and how hard that is on his daughters, and that is understandable. We play the occasional Trivia Crack game and text maybe once or twice a week. At some point, probably in a few weeks, I'll ask for us to Talk. I just need to know if I was only a ONS. If I was, so be it. If I wasn't, then what the hell is going on? I can't wait forever in limbo. He's a guy worth having around, or so he seems. But maybe I'm just stupid.
D
I promised to never really blog about D ever again. But I do have to say that he recently - in a rather cruel and painful way - decided to end any recently renewed extra benefits our friendship may have had. Our friendship is still very strong, something some of my close friends just don't understand. And honestly, I can't blame them. They hear about him when he does something that pisses me off, not when he does something that makes me feel good. His and my friendship is at times tumultuous, and yet it is steady as a rock. Even when upset at each other, we are still there for the other. And while he may have broken my heart more than once, I'm ready to kick the ass of any woman who hurts him, just like he'll hurt any guy who even thinks about treating me like shit.
J, a.k.a., The Ex
I can't remember if I blogged about us meeting up to see a movie, his suggestion. Well, we did. We saw "Fifty Shades of Grey." It was the first time we'd seen each other since the split almost 2 years ago, and it was appropriately awkward. Since then, he's invited me to a concert (I was singing another concert at the same time), and he invited me to $.75 well drinks at some bar on Maundy Thursday. You know, because I have LOTS of free time during Holy Week. (At the time, I was preparing dinner for 50 and then leading a worship service.) I've asked for a rain check and I have no doubt he'll collect. Doesn't hurt to be friends, as we do enjoy many of the same things. If nothing else, I'll have another possible companion for concerts.
M
Remember this one? We went on a couple dates in early February and called it off mutually due to a lack of interest. Well, he randomly texted today. He wanted to say hi, and let me know he was interested in "staying in touch" because he "liked me" and before he was "in a funk." Hm. Turned out, he was also bored and wanting to get out of the house and wanted to "catch up." Today. Like, right now. Um, no. So he's suggested drinks or buying me a bottle of wine. Which he'll deliver to my house. For us to presumably share.
Nice try.
I'm not sure about this situation at all. I didn't feel any connection with him the first time around. Was it his so-called "funk"? Or is he just that boring? I have no idea. But what's a drink?
Dating in General
A while ago, I hid my Match profile. I have yet to "unhide" it. I'm done with Match for a while. I'm done with dating for a while. I know I've said that before, but this time it's different. I've been doing a lot of reflection and soul-searching, and I've come to a decision, albeit a very painful one. See, not everyone is destined to have that special someone. At 39 years old, and apparently incapable of having a relationship that lasts longer than 3 weeks, it seems clear I am one of those people.
Cue the chorus of various supportive comments, including but not limited to:
1. But you're such a great catch/so pretty/such a great person!
2. My sister/aunt/best friend/co-worker/cleaning lady/friend of a friend/Facebook meme I read/random person on the street was just like you, and they stopped looking and BOOM! there was Mr. Right.
3. Maybe you should try another dating site? My ex-husband's current girlfriend's best friend's cousin's roommate used <Zoosk/OK Cupid/eHarmony/Christian Mingle> and met their fiancee.
4. I'm sure there's someone out there for you. You just haven't met him yet!
The chorus is monotonous and tiring. I gave up on dating - "stopped looking" - for 10 years and that wasn't the magic bullet. I did eHarmony, and it was a giant waste of money. Yes, people find success with online dating. Match proclaims in their ads that "1 in 5 relationships begin online." But let us dissect this statement.
First of all, 1 in 5 is all of 20%. Where are the other 80% of relationships coming from? Secondly, they're saying 1 in 5 online, not 1 in 5 on Match. Given how many dating sites there are out there - Zoosk, OK Cupid, eHarmony, Match, Christian Mingle, Tindr/Grindr, etc. - each having thousands upon thousands of members, only 20% of relationships starting online is not that impressive of a number. Theoretically, only 3-4% of relationships start on any one site. I guess that's better marketing, though, than saying "97% of people on here will NOT find a relationship!"
The simple fact is, and I've blogged about this before, I have to be happy single. In the past, I thought I was. It turns out I've been lying to myself. There's a certain emptiness in my heart and soul, a deep loneliness and sense of complete failure because of my lack of a decent relationship history. My divorced friends try to soothe me with stories of how painful their splits were, but all I can think is "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And I think of all the times where overwhelming loneliness drags me to depths of despair as I watch friends text with wives/husbands or other inamorata and realize I have no one - no one - to do that with, nor have I really ever. At least, not for longer than 3 weeks.
Over the edge of my laptop screen, I can observe a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I bought over a week ago at Sam's Club. Yes, I buy flowers for myself. In fact, the only times I've received flowers, they've either been from my parents, from some of my gay friends, or the expected soloist bouquets after concerts. I've never been considered worthy of flowers by a romantic interest.
These are the kinds of thoughts that plague me. Right now, I openly admit I'm in a depressive episode and I know I'm not quite seeing the world clearly. Or, am I? Has the depression taken away any rose-colored glasses I might be wearing about life and love, leaving me to see the naked and harsh truth? Or am I just incapable of focusing on anything positive when it comes to my love life?
Regardless, I am obviously not in a place emotionally to be dating. Maybe I never will be. I have friends and I have cats - a requirement for spinsters, of course. And at least in the nursing home I'll have some stories to tell.
Au revoir, blog fans.
Mr. M
The most recent candidate, Mr. M and I are casual acquaintances at best right now. He is needing to focus on his divorce and how hard that is on his daughters, and that is understandable. We play the occasional Trivia Crack game and text maybe once or twice a week. At some point, probably in a few weeks, I'll ask for us to Talk. I just need to know if I was only a ONS. If I was, so be it. If I wasn't, then what the hell is going on? I can't wait forever in limbo. He's a guy worth having around, or so he seems. But maybe I'm just stupid.
D
I promised to never really blog about D ever again. But I do have to say that he recently - in a rather cruel and painful way - decided to end any recently renewed extra benefits our friendship may have had. Our friendship is still very strong, something some of my close friends just don't understand. And honestly, I can't blame them. They hear about him when he does something that pisses me off, not when he does something that makes me feel good. His and my friendship is at times tumultuous, and yet it is steady as a rock. Even when upset at each other, we are still there for the other. And while he may have broken my heart more than once, I'm ready to kick the ass of any woman who hurts him, just like he'll hurt any guy who even thinks about treating me like shit.
J, a.k.a., The Ex
I can't remember if I blogged about us meeting up to see a movie, his suggestion. Well, we did. We saw "Fifty Shades of Grey." It was the first time we'd seen each other since the split almost 2 years ago, and it was appropriately awkward. Since then, he's invited me to a concert (I was singing another concert at the same time), and he invited me to $.75 well drinks at some bar on Maundy Thursday. You know, because I have LOTS of free time during Holy Week. (At the time, I was preparing dinner for 50 and then leading a worship service.) I've asked for a rain check and I have no doubt he'll collect. Doesn't hurt to be friends, as we do enjoy many of the same things. If nothing else, I'll have another possible companion for concerts.
M
Remember this one? We went on a couple dates in early February and called it off mutually due to a lack of interest. Well, he randomly texted today. He wanted to say hi, and let me know he was interested in "staying in touch" because he "liked me" and before he was "in a funk." Hm. Turned out, he was also bored and wanting to get out of the house and wanted to "catch up." Today. Like, right now. Um, no. So he's suggested drinks or buying me a bottle of wine. Which he'll deliver to my house. For us to presumably share.
Nice try.
I'm not sure about this situation at all. I didn't feel any connection with him the first time around. Was it his so-called "funk"? Or is he just that boring? I have no idea. But what's a drink?
Dating in General
A while ago, I hid my Match profile. I have yet to "unhide" it. I'm done with Match for a while. I'm done with dating for a while. I know I've said that before, but this time it's different. I've been doing a lot of reflection and soul-searching, and I've come to a decision, albeit a very painful one. See, not everyone is destined to have that special someone. At 39 years old, and apparently incapable of having a relationship that lasts longer than 3 weeks, it seems clear I am one of those people.
Cue the chorus of various supportive comments, including but not limited to:
1. But you're such a great catch/so pretty/such a great person!
2. My sister/aunt/best friend/co-worker/cleaning lady/friend of a friend/Facebook meme I read/random person on the street was just like you, and they stopped looking and BOOM! there was Mr. Right.
3. Maybe you should try another dating site? My ex-husband's current girlfriend's best friend's cousin's roommate used <Zoosk/OK Cupid/eHarmony/Christian Mingle> and met their fiancee.
4. I'm sure there's someone out there for you. You just haven't met him yet!
The chorus is monotonous and tiring. I gave up on dating - "stopped looking" - for 10 years and that wasn't the magic bullet. I did eHarmony, and it was a giant waste of money. Yes, people find success with online dating. Match proclaims in their ads that "1 in 5 relationships begin online." But let us dissect this statement.
First of all, 1 in 5 is all of 20%. Where are the other 80% of relationships coming from? Secondly, they're saying 1 in 5 online, not 1 in 5 on Match. Given how many dating sites there are out there - Zoosk, OK Cupid, eHarmony, Match, Christian Mingle, Tindr/Grindr, etc. - each having thousands upon thousands of members, only 20% of relationships starting online is not that impressive of a number. Theoretically, only 3-4% of relationships start on any one site. I guess that's better marketing, though, than saying "97% of people on here will NOT find a relationship!"
The simple fact is, and I've blogged about this before, I have to be happy single. In the past, I thought I was. It turns out I've been lying to myself. There's a certain emptiness in my heart and soul, a deep loneliness and sense of complete failure because of my lack of a decent relationship history. My divorced friends try to soothe me with stories of how painful their splits were, but all I can think is "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And I think of all the times where overwhelming loneliness drags me to depths of despair as I watch friends text with wives/husbands or other inamorata and realize I have no one - no one - to do that with, nor have I really ever. At least, not for longer than 3 weeks.
Over the edge of my laptop screen, I can observe a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I bought over a week ago at Sam's Club. Yes, I buy flowers for myself. In fact, the only times I've received flowers, they've either been from my parents, from some of my gay friends, or the expected soloist bouquets after concerts. I've never been considered worthy of flowers by a romantic interest.
These are the kinds of thoughts that plague me. Right now, I openly admit I'm in a depressive episode and I know I'm not quite seeing the world clearly. Or, am I? Has the depression taken away any rose-colored glasses I might be wearing about life and love, leaving me to see the naked and harsh truth? Or am I just incapable of focusing on anything positive when it comes to my love life?
Regardless, I am obviously not in a place emotionally to be dating. Maybe I never will be. I have friends and I have cats - a requirement for spinsters, of course. And at least in the nursing home I'll have some stories to tell.
Au revoir, blog fans.
It's true since you are a girl you will wait for HIM to lead the conversations so you have to get over that and ask the tough and REAL questions you have.
ReplyDeleteExpress Those Feelings