I Have a Crush
I have a crush.
It's just a little one. No one really knows about it, and it is highly unlikely it will go anywhere. But it's turned out to be key to a big leap in my recovery.
I'm an only child who was a "latch-key kid". I spent endless hours in worlds in my own head, sometimes spurred along by my voracious reading, sometimes purely the work of my own imagination. Like most children, I had an imaginary friend. But, I also had an imaginary husband.
Hey, I never said I was normal.
In my life, I've always seemed most internally happy when I've had some object -- I suppose person would be the better term -- to be desiring, to be starring in my 'fantasies'. (I dislike the term 'fantasies', as it conjures up visions of XXX dreams for me, but I think you all know what I mean.) Most often in my life, that person has been beloved from a distance. A friend or colleague I find attractive, usually. Sometimes that person has been an actual, active love interest.
It's been almost a year since the infamous and shocking split from D. And in the past 10+ months, I have really struggled to get over and past him. I've tried dating again, and that was overwhelmingly unsuccessful. I thought that maybe what I actually needed was time to be single, to once again be happy as a single person. Unfortunately, that left my hyperactive imagination without a leading male star, so it resorted to the one it was most recently comfortable with -- D. So I resigned myself to being forever single, with a lingering flame for a man who was more wrong for me than right, yet whom I loved.
Then I started a new job.
Everyone supposedly envies teachers and other school staff. In their perception, we work 9 months out of the year from 7:30-2:30/8:00-3:00/whatever and have summers off. In reality, we work 10 months of the year, arrive at school well before the students and stay well beyond the conclusion of after-school activities. Our summers are short, and frequently feature professional development. For people like me who are "classified" instead of "certified", summer also means no income.
In the past, I have made it through by beefing up my hours at the YMCA, hoarding money from gigs, passing off certain bills until the school year starts up again, and using my church income to ensure rent was met. When I changed churches just over a year ago, my church income dropped over 35%. I also had a still-new car payment. This year, the YMCA hours didn't materialize, so I landed a job at a large retailer. One of my favorite stores! 10 minutes from my home! Seasonal position! Great pay! Employee discount! Cheap meatballs! It was a win-win all around.
Right before my training weekend started, my wonderful pastor said to me, "I hope you meet some new friends." Outwardly, I smiled. Inwardly, I groaned. It's not that I'm not friendly or opposed to making new friends. I just didn't think I wanted to really meet anyone.
I walked into training on the first day, which started at the ungodly hour of 8:00 a.m. (the store doesn't open until 10:00), with wet hair straight from the shower. I had taken the time to do my makeup at least. As I walked into the waiting area, I nonchalantly scanned my fellow trainees... and almost immediately my eye picked up on the handsome middle-aged gentleman in a dress shirt and slacks -- with no wedding ring. Meanwhile, I looked like something that had wandered through a monsoon yet somehow kept my mascara from running. Lovely.
We headed into the training room, our home for the next two days, and although he entered well after me he chose the seat next to me. At this point, my heart was pretty much in my throat and I felt every ounce of awkwardness I had felt in middle school around most anyone of the opposite gender. I needn't have worried. He was as nice and outgoing as he was handsome, and over the two days of training we seemed to click. A nice, gentle click. As we left our final day of training together, walking out to our cars, we split with a simple "see you later".
Different departments. Giant store. Part-time employees. Ever-changing shifts. The chances of our paths ever crossing again were pretty slim. Yet, they have. Multiple times. Given our duties, particularly his, we rarely can do more than smile and wave at each other, say hello, maybe a quick "how's your day going". But it's only been a week and a half since training. I've learned so much about the company and enjoy it so much I'm trying to get on permanently (instead of seasonal), so who knows what will happen.
I have found myself wondering how did we ever date in the days before things like Match, though. I couldn't tell you the last time I met someone the old fashioned way. All my relationships have been either via Match or a blind date set-up from a mutual friend. As we chatted during training, never once did our personal situations come up. I have gathered, presumptuously, that he is divorced. I know about his son and some of his background in public service, from which he took early retirement after "having seen too much". He is a music lover with as eclectic of tastes as I have.
Ultimately, whatever happens isn't what is important, though. I know that seems kind of odd to say, but it's true. Right now, the fantasy of what could happen, what my imagination is churning up is helping me heal. The more my mind probes the "what could be's" with my crush-from-a-distance, the less D invades my thoughts. And that is what I need most right now.
It's just a little one. No one really knows about it, and it is highly unlikely it will go anywhere. But it's turned out to be key to a big leap in my recovery.
I'm an only child who was a "latch-key kid". I spent endless hours in worlds in my own head, sometimes spurred along by my voracious reading, sometimes purely the work of my own imagination. Like most children, I had an imaginary friend. But, I also had an imaginary husband.
Hey, I never said I was normal.
In my life, I've always seemed most internally happy when I've had some object -- I suppose person would be the better term -- to be desiring, to be starring in my 'fantasies'. (I dislike the term 'fantasies', as it conjures up visions of XXX dreams for me, but I think you all know what I mean.) Most often in my life, that person has been beloved from a distance. A friend or colleague I find attractive, usually. Sometimes that person has been an actual, active love interest.
It's been almost a year since the infamous and shocking split from D. And in the past 10+ months, I have really struggled to get over and past him. I've tried dating again, and that was overwhelmingly unsuccessful. I thought that maybe what I actually needed was time to be single, to once again be happy as a single person. Unfortunately, that left my hyperactive imagination without a leading male star, so it resorted to the one it was most recently comfortable with -- D. So I resigned myself to being forever single, with a lingering flame for a man who was more wrong for me than right, yet whom I loved.
Then I started a new job.
Everyone supposedly envies teachers and other school staff. In their perception, we work 9 months out of the year from 7:30-2:30/8:00-3:00/whatever and have summers off. In reality, we work 10 months of the year, arrive at school well before the students and stay well beyond the conclusion of after-school activities. Our summers are short, and frequently feature professional development. For people like me who are "classified" instead of "certified", summer also means no income.
In the past, I have made it through by beefing up my hours at the YMCA, hoarding money from gigs, passing off certain bills until the school year starts up again, and using my church income to ensure rent was met. When I changed churches just over a year ago, my church income dropped over 35%. I also had a still-new car payment. This year, the YMCA hours didn't materialize, so I landed a job at a large retailer. One of my favorite stores! 10 minutes from my home! Seasonal position! Great pay! Employee discount! Cheap meatballs! It was a win-win all around.
Right before my training weekend started, my wonderful pastor said to me, "I hope you meet some new friends." Outwardly, I smiled. Inwardly, I groaned. It's not that I'm not friendly or opposed to making new friends. I just didn't think I wanted to really meet anyone.
I walked into training on the first day, which started at the ungodly hour of 8:00 a.m. (the store doesn't open until 10:00), with wet hair straight from the shower. I had taken the time to do my makeup at least. As I walked into the waiting area, I nonchalantly scanned my fellow trainees... and almost immediately my eye picked up on the handsome middle-aged gentleman in a dress shirt and slacks -- with no wedding ring. Meanwhile, I looked like something that had wandered through a monsoon yet somehow kept my mascara from running. Lovely.
We headed into the training room, our home for the next two days, and although he entered well after me he chose the seat next to me. At this point, my heart was pretty much in my throat and I felt every ounce of awkwardness I had felt in middle school around most anyone of the opposite gender. I needn't have worried. He was as nice and outgoing as he was handsome, and over the two days of training we seemed to click. A nice, gentle click. As we left our final day of training together, walking out to our cars, we split with a simple "see you later".
Different departments. Giant store. Part-time employees. Ever-changing shifts. The chances of our paths ever crossing again were pretty slim. Yet, they have. Multiple times. Given our duties, particularly his, we rarely can do more than smile and wave at each other, say hello, maybe a quick "how's your day going". But it's only been a week and a half since training. I've learned so much about the company and enjoy it so much I'm trying to get on permanently (instead of seasonal), so who knows what will happen.
I have found myself wondering how did we ever date in the days before things like Match, though. I couldn't tell you the last time I met someone the old fashioned way. All my relationships have been either via Match or a blind date set-up from a mutual friend. As we chatted during training, never once did our personal situations come up. I have gathered, presumptuously, that he is divorced. I know about his son and some of his background in public service, from which he took early retirement after "having seen too much". He is a music lover with as eclectic of tastes as I have.
Ultimately, whatever happens isn't what is important, though. I know that seems kind of odd to say, but it's true. Right now, the fantasy of what could happen, what my imagination is churning up is helping me heal. The more my mind probes the "what could be's" with my crush-from-a-distance, the less D invades my thoughts. And that is what I need most right now.
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