Learning Curve
In the last 10 minutes of my drive home today from subbing a restorative yoga class, my intent, or my need, to write this post did an almost 180. I was going to make it a "well, I guess that's it" kind of post, a post about the fight going on inside me, and that maybe I really should completely cut off ties with the ex because, in my screwy brain I believed, "he clearly doesn't want to be friends." Then, as I was climbing the stairs to my apartment, it hit me.
I'm the one who is not ready.
I might think I am. I might believe in my heart I am. But, I am not.
Here's what is going on. I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. Dr. Brown is a "shame and vulnerability" researcher, whose work is not only excellent but has been featured on two TED talks that have gone viral. In essence, nothing great is ever accomplished without risks -- the risk to be vulnerable -- as long as boundaries are also in place. By boundaries, and admittedly I'm just now getting to this chapter, she means right place, right time, right people.
Hers is not the first book or chunk of advice I've gotten encouraging me to "take risks." That is why I've been periodically in touch with the ex, about every 4 days or so. While I'm not taking a huge risk because my messages always have a blatant escape route for him (usually in the form of 'the texts don't require a reply' out), I'm still taking a risk. Tonight I took a bigger one.
In a little over a month, I will be giving my first-ever sermon. In a pulpit, in a church, on a Sunday morning. The ex has a Bachelor's Degree in Divinity and does supply preaching at times. So tonight, after a quick "TGIF" text exchange earlier in the evening, I sent this message:
"Maybe sometime in the next couple of weeks we can grab some coffee -- I'm prepping my 1st sermon to be given in ~ a month, and discussing theology w/you is interesting & insightful. But if you aren't okay with that, please know I understand and respect that!"
Let's see... just how many "outs" did I give him in that message? Yeah, thought so. I'm really just dipping my toe in the water if we're being honest. Still...
I got an almost immediate reply.
"I will be out of pocket. Work - Travels - and such. L will be a better option."
At this moment, my heart sank into the car seat below me. Well, what was left of my heart after the knife ran through it and my brain starting shouting things like, "If you don't want to be my friend, just freaking say so!" further inflicting damage upon the wounded organ. But before I could type out a reply, and I'm a rapid texter, I got this:
"Good luck w/the sermon prep."
Immediately followed by:
"Will attend your sermon if I am available. Let me know the Sunday."
Now it is unlikely that he will attend my sermon. I've given him the date, but over the summer he sings with a men's group that goes to different churches and sings. I doubt he'll say to them he's unavailable one Sunday just to come hear his ex-girlfriend preach. He then told me his phone battery was about dead and he'd ttyl.
In the 15 or so minutes that was left of my drive home after that exchange -- yes, I admit I was texting and driving, shame on me -- my thoughts about it zig-zagged everywhere. But as I was pulling into my parking lot, getting out of my car, and heading up to my place, I found some clarity. And here is what I have very recently learned:
1. My depression is not as under control and "recovered" as I generally think. I am functional, but I am not yet healthy.
2. Too much of my self-worth and self-opinion still stems on him. I even realized this yesterday when I got my hair done, and I went even a little shorter. I left the salon thinking, "he prefers long hair, but really liked the short hair on me... wonder what he'll think... wait, why do I care?! But, I do..."
3. I lose some hope and happiness when I don't have a "reason" to be in touch with him. I've been setting up these benchmarks, if you will... e.g., I knew he would be going out of town last weekend, so it was okay to text him that Friday wishing him fun, and the following Monday to see how it went. If I don't have one of those benchmarks, I feel lost. This is not recovery.
4. My current fixation with weight loss is not coming from healthy motivators. Initially I lost weight almost inadvertently; I had no appetite due to the stress and then the addition of the Wellbutrin. Then once I broke a plateau I had been at for over a year, I became obsessed with losing weight to the point I'm almost losing it at an unhealthy rate. Long story short, I've lost about 13 or so pounds in the past 26 days. That's a half pound per day; healthy weight loss rates average between .25 and .4 pounds per day.
5. I've significantly increased my workouts, which are honestly a "numbing behavior" to escape reality. Dr. Brown refers to "numbing behaviors," which includes things like addiction. Numbing behaviors are things that people struggling with vulnerability, shame, and themselves do to, well, numb their feelings. Some turn to things like alcohol, food, and sex; some withdraw into "crazy-busy-ness," because keeping busy means you don't have time to feel; and some overdo things that are considered healthy. I know I have added these workouts -- generally long walks between 2.5 and 4.2 miles at a time -- not for the reasons I spout (enjoy the sun, listen to music, etc) but because they kill time when I have it on my hands and because I am craving the endorphin release. Proof I'm nuts? Monday evening I taught a 50 minute yoga class followed by a 50 minute Zumba class. Then I came home and walked almost 3 miles.
But the biggest wake-up call to me letting me know I am not ready to be "back with him" is this:
6. I'm still riding some extreme emotional rollercoasters. Yep, I did that during the drive home, and when it hit me... well, to say a light bulb went on might be an understatement. I got a text, I went on the edge of overreacting -- at least I knew to not send a snarky ultimatum or anything right away -- and then my emotions vacillated wildly and largely out of control for 20 minutes. All over a text exchange that really wasn't a big deal. This is what got me in trouble and most likely caused me to lose him in the first place. The irrational, knee-jerk over-reactions of the Depo-induced depression.
Flat out, I am not ready physically (as in my serotonin and other endocrine levels) to be back in a relationship, especially with him. This is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, but at the same time I feel like I actually have some answers, if you will. The Depo should be largely out of my system by mid-July; I'm due for my next shot (which I am NOT getting) on July 3, but the current shot is still somewhat effective for an additional 1-2 weeks beyond that 12 week mark.
I can do this. And maybe now that I've come to this realization, I can break free and truly start to heal.
I'm the one who is not ready.
I might think I am. I might believe in my heart I am. But, I am not.
Here's what is going on. I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. Dr. Brown is a "shame and vulnerability" researcher, whose work is not only excellent but has been featured on two TED talks that have gone viral. In essence, nothing great is ever accomplished without risks -- the risk to be vulnerable -- as long as boundaries are also in place. By boundaries, and admittedly I'm just now getting to this chapter, she means right place, right time, right people.
Hers is not the first book or chunk of advice I've gotten encouraging me to "take risks." That is why I've been periodically in touch with the ex, about every 4 days or so. While I'm not taking a huge risk because my messages always have a blatant escape route for him (usually in the form of 'the texts don't require a reply' out), I'm still taking a risk. Tonight I took a bigger one.
In a little over a month, I will be giving my first-ever sermon. In a pulpit, in a church, on a Sunday morning. The ex has a Bachelor's Degree in Divinity and does supply preaching at times. So tonight, after a quick "TGIF" text exchange earlier in the evening, I sent this message:
"Maybe sometime in the next couple of weeks we can grab some coffee -- I'm prepping my 1st sermon to be given in ~ a month, and discussing theology w/you is interesting & insightful. But if you aren't okay with that, please know I understand and respect that!"
Let's see... just how many "outs" did I give him in that message? Yeah, thought so. I'm really just dipping my toe in the water if we're being honest. Still...
I got an almost immediate reply.
"I will be out of pocket. Work - Travels - and such. L will be a better option."
At this moment, my heart sank into the car seat below me. Well, what was left of my heart after the knife ran through it and my brain starting shouting things like, "If you don't want to be my friend, just freaking say so!" further inflicting damage upon the wounded organ. But before I could type out a reply, and I'm a rapid texter, I got this:
"Good luck w/the sermon prep."
Immediately followed by:
"Will attend your sermon if I am available. Let me know the Sunday."
Now it is unlikely that he will attend my sermon. I've given him the date, but over the summer he sings with a men's group that goes to different churches and sings. I doubt he'll say to them he's unavailable one Sunday just to come hear his ex-girlfriend preach. He then told me his phone battery was about dead and he'd ttyl.
In the 15 or so minutes that was left of my drive home after that exchange -- yes, I admit I was texting and driving, shame on me -- my thoughts about it zig-zagged everywhere. But as I was pulling into my parking lot, getting out of my car, and heading up to my place, I found some clarity. And here is what I have very recently learned:
1. My depression is not as under control and "recovered" as I generally think. I am functional, but I am not yet healthy.
2. Too much of my self-worth and self-opinion still stems on him. I even realized this yesterday when I got my hair done, and I went even a little shorter. I left the salon thinking, "he prefers long hair, but really liked the short hair on me... wonder what he'll think... wait, why do I care?! But, I do..."
3. I lose some hope and happiness when I don't have a "reason" to be in touch with him. I've been setting up these benchmarks, if you will... e.g., I knew he would be going out of town last weekend, so it was okay to text him that Friday wishing him fun, and the following Monday to see how it went. If I don't have one of those benchmarks, I feel lost. This is not recovery.
4. My current fixation with weight loss is not coming from healthy motivators. Initially I lost weight almost inadvertently; I had no appetite due to the stress and then the addition of the Wellbutrin. Then once I broke a plateau I had been at for over a year, I became obsessed with losing weight to the point I'm almost losing it at an unhealthy rate. Long story short, I've lost about 13 or so pounds in the past 26 days. That's a half pound per day; healthy weight loss rates average between .25 and .4 pounds per day.
5. I've significantly increased my workouts, which are honestly a "numbing behavior" to escape reality. Dr. Brown refers to "numbing behaviors," which includes things like addiction. Numbing behaviors are things that people struggling with vulnerability, shame, and themselves do to, well, numb their feelings. Some turn to things like alcohol, food, and sex; some withdraw into "crazy-busy-ness," because keeping busy means you don't have time to feel; and some overdo things that are considered healthy. I know I have added these workouts -- generally long walks between 2.5 and 4.2 miles at a time -- not for the reasons I spout (enjoy the sun, listen to music, etc) but because they kill time when I have it on my hands and because I am craving the endorphin release. Proof I'm nuts? Monday evening I taught a 50 minute yoga class followed by a 50 minute Zumba class. Then I came home and walked almost 3 miles.
But the biggest wake-up call to me letting me know I am not ready to be "back with him" is this:
6. I'm still riding some extreme emotional rollercoasters. Yep, I did that during the drive home, and when it hit me... well, to say a light bulb went on might be an understatement. I got a text, I went on the edge of overreacting -- at least I knew to not send a snarky ultimatum or anything right away -- and then my emotions vacillated wildly and largely out of control for 20 minutes. All over a text exchange that really wasn't a big deal. This is what got me in trouble and most likely caused me to lose him in the first place. The irrational, knee-jerk over-reactions of the Depo-induced depression.
Flat out, I am not ready physically (as in my serotonin and other endocrine levels) to be back in a relationship, especially with him. This is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, but at the same time I feel like I actually have some answers, if you will. The Depo should be largely out of my system by mid-July; I'm due for my next shot (which I am NOT getting) on July 3, but the current shot is still somewhat effective for an additional 1-2 weeks beyond that 12 week mark.
I can do this. And maybe now that I've come to this realization, I can break free and truly start to heal.
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