Rebuttal Series, Chapter 1: The Child-Haters
Since my dating life is quiet and without blog-able drama, some of my followers have started sending me "interesting" articles and other blogs on dating, looking for me to comment upon them or address them on my own blog. On Sunday, one of my best friends showed me a blog post that had been shared on Facebook by one of her friends. Over lunch, I skimmed it on her phone. Later that evening while hanging out at my other best friend's house, I read it in more detail. It has taken me until now to be able to be in a calm enough frame of mind to even address parts of it.
The blog post is titled "Ten Women Christian Men Should Not Marry." It is written by a conservative pastor in New York. And when I say "conservative," I mean "so fundamentalist, many fundamentalist Christians thinks he's a whack job." Seriously. This is the same person who reached minor internet fame when he proclaimed that Starbuck's lattes are flavored with the semen of sodomites.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Like any good "Christian" blog post, this pastor uses Biblical citations to prove his points. As is often a problem with any time Bible verses are used in this manner, many of his citations are taken out of context -- Biblical context, historical context, or both. However, at least in this post, I'm not going to be refuting the Biblical stuff. I'm going strictly practical.
On the list of "women Christian men shouldn't marry," one of them he labelled "The Child-Hater." Yes, "The Child-Hater." Now in his definition, he doesn't mean women who hate children. He means women who don't want to have children. Because not wanting a puppy clearly makes me a dog hater. And not wanting a steak for dinner tonight means I hate cows.
In his reasoning, women were created to procreate. The main point of marriage is to procreate. He even says that Biblically, all people who are "biologically capable of reproduction" are required to have children, because there is "no reason whatsoever" for said people to not have children. Incidentally, in his companion post of "Ten Men Christian Women Should Not Marry," a man who does not want children isn't on the list. Go figure. He must think every man wants to have children. Well, as a woman out dating, I can assure you this is definitely not the case, be the man Christian, Jewish, Muslim, spiritual but not religious, or Atheist.
Regardless, here are just a few reasons "biologically capable women" may not want to have children, and none of them are in defiance of supposed Biblical mandates.
1. Age. Not everyone gets married in their twenties. I have many friends who did not get married until their thirties or later. Just because I am 39 doesn't mean marriage is out of the question for me. However, there is a reason women who get pregnant at the age of 35 or later are labelled as "geriatric pregnancies" and are classified "high risk." Choosing to get pregnant at that age means your odds of having a child with defects or developmental disabilities increase greatly. And think about the demands of having children: in our 30s we simply don't recover from a night of little sleep like we did in our 20s. Now take that feeling and multiply it by oh, 9 months or so of midnight feedings, diaper changes, and sleep training. Then extend it by another 10 or so years with bed wetting, nightmares, etc. Then extend that another 8 years as you wait up for a child who may be disregarding his or her curfew. There is a reason older women generally don't have children. And I haven't even pointed out that if I were to get pregnant tomorrow (not happening, by the way), I would be almost 60 when my child graduated from high school. I'd be retirement age when s/he graduated from college and married, presuming they married at a more "common" marriage age. I could be in my 70s before seeing my first grandchild.
I am by no means belittling my friends who have had children when in their 30s. I support their decision whole-heartedly. But I think they would agree on some of these points.
2. Heredity. Just because you are "biologically capable" doesn't mean your genes are ones that should be passed on. No, I'm not going Mendelian on you and promoting filtering the gene pool. Some people in this world have medical conditions that are congenital -- they are acquired by heredity and as such there is no known way to "remove" them from your genetic makeup. Many of those conditions are relatively innocuous, in that passing them on to a child isn't putting their lives in danger. Case in point: I have the congenital form of hypertension (high blood pressure). It's completely treatable and manageable. Less innocuous are some of the more rare conditions, or difficult mental illnesses. One of my best friends is bipolar. He may have passed on his difficult disorder to his son, but with the average age of diagnosis being around 25, it may still be several years before his son will exhibit symptoms -- if he is indeed bipolar himself. My friend was not diagnosed when his son was conceived. Someone who knowingly has a difficult condition, or who even has a non-congenital condition that can be passed to a child (e.g., HIV/AIDS), may choose to not have children to prevent further suffering of another human even though they are "biologically capable."
3. Fiscal/socioeconomic. Children are expensive. Prenatal care is expensive. There are many services, with new ones coming about every day, to help people who have children that they cannot afford. Two biologically capable people may choose to not have children simply because they cannot afford them. They may be underemployed, or unemployed. They may have crushing debt, such as student loans. Factors such as the cost of child care may make having children a fiscal burden too great to bear. I had a colleague at one of my schools who, upon having a child, gave up her career in teaching to be a stay at home mom because day care would consume her entire paycheck. They are a one-income family because if mom worked, she wouldn't be bringing in any money anyway after child care bills were paid and at least this way she was actively involved in her daughter's development every step of the way rather than entrusting such things to a capable child care provider. Fortunately her husband makes enough money where they are able to do this, but this is not the case with everyone. Making a decision like this is certainly not easy and takes a degree of maturity. These couples may indeed want children but they realize they would not be able to adequately provide for the kids.
4. "Biologically capable," but only technically. I have a condition called PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome. My ovaries are covered in thousands of tiny cysts. Estimates are as high as 10% of all women aged 18-44 have PCOS, and because the symptoms can often be explained by other things it may go undiagnosed. Depending upon the severity of the condition, fertility may be seriously in question. I was diagnosed in my early twenties and assured by my OB/GYN that "he could get me pregnant if I wanted to." (My response: not by you, I hope.) Chances were that I would require fertility treatments, although it is not impossible for me to get pregnant by completely natural means. PCOS aside, there are other conditions that affect fertility for both men and women. Couples with these problems may want children. They may be trying for years to have children. Fertility treatments may be their only option, and few are covered by insurance. The decision to not have children may not actually be theirs. But things like fertility difficulties are not first date - or even fourth or fifth date - conversation material.
5. Adoption/Foster Care. Some people in this world have a real heart for children born to other people. Rather than have children of their own, they wish to love and raise a child who was put up for adoption, or open their home over and over to children in need who are in the foster care system. Many of these people believe that, with so many children needing homes, why should they bring more children into the world? I commend these people. Often children in need of adoption or foster care have special needs: behavioral or physical or developmental, or even a combination. They may be so-called "crack babies" or born to HIV-positive parents. They may have been shuttled around to so many foster homes that they are bitter and jaded. They may have been put into the foster system because they were victims or witnesses of domestic abuse. They may be parentless due to sudden death or incarceration, and there was no family member able to take them in. They may have been put up for adoption because of several disabilities that the birth parents simply couldn't live with or afford. These people should be lauded, not condemned because they choose to have children from other parents rather than biologically creating their own.
My advice to "Christian men" considering what kind of woman they should marry when it comes to kids is this: find a woman whose views on children match your own. If you want kids and want them to biologically be yours, then find a woman who feels the same way. If you have a heart for kids from other parents who need a family, there are many women out there who share your love. If children are just not your cup of tea, there are women who feel the same way. Compatibility, not a list of requirements, is key to any successful relationship, period.
The blog post is titled "Ten Women Christian Men Should Not Marry." It is written by a conservative pastor in New York. And when I say "conservative," I mean "so fundamentalist, many fundamentalist Christians thinks he's a whack job." Seriously. This is the same person who reached minor internet fame when he proclaimed that Starbuck's lattes are flavored with the semen of sodomites.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Like any good "Christian" blog post, this pastor uses Biblical citations to prove his points. As is often a problem with any time Bible verses are used in this manner, many of his citations are taken out of context -- Biblical context, historical context, or both. However, at least in this post, I'm not going to be refuting the Biblical stuff. I'm going strictly practical.
On the list of "women Christian men shouldn't marry," one of them he labelled "The Child-Hater." Yes, "The Child-Hater." Now in his definition, he doesn't mean women who hate children. He means women who don't want to have children. Because not wanting a puppy clearly makes me a dog hater. And not wanting a steak for dinner tonight means I hate cows.
In his reasoning, women were created to procreate. The main point of marriage is to procreate. He even says that Biblically, all people who are "biologically capable of reproduction" are required to have children, because there is "no reason whatsoever" for said people to not have children. Incidentally, in his companion post of "Ten Men Christian Women Should Not Marry," a man who does not want children isn't on the list. Go figure. He must think every man wants to have children. Well, as a woman out dating, I can assure you this is definitely not the case, be the man Christian, Jewish, Muslim, spiritual but not religious, or Atheist.
Regardless, here are just a few reasons "biologically capable women" may not want to have children, and none of them are in defiance of supposed Biblical mandates.
1. Age. Not everyone gets married in their twenties. I have many friends who did not get married until their thirties or later. Just because I am 39 doesn't mean marriage is out of the question for me. However, there is a reason women who get pregnant at the age of 35 or later are labelled as "geriatric pregnancies" and are classified "high risk." Choosing to get pregnant at that age means your odds of having a child with defects or developmental disabilities increase greatly. And think about the demands of having children: in our 30s we simply don't recover from a night of little sleep like we did in our 20s. Now take that feeling and multiply it by oh, 9 months or so of midnight feedings, diaper changes, and sleep training. Then extend it by another 10 or so years with bed wetting, nightmares, etc. Then extend that another 8 years as you wait up for a child who may be disregarding his or her curfew. There is a reason older women generally don't have children. And I haven't even pointed out that if I were to get pregnant tomorrow (not happening, by the way), I would be almost 60 when my child graduated from high school. I'd be retirement age when s/he graduated from college and married, presuming they married at a more "common" marriage age. I could be in my 70s before seeing my first grandchild.
I am by no means belittling my friends who have had children when in their 30s. I support their decision whole-heartedly. But I think they would agree on some of these points.
2. Heredity. Just because you are "biologically capable" doesn't mean your genes are ones that should be passed on. No, I'm not going Mendelian on you and promoting filtering the gene pool. Some people in this world have medical conditions that are congenital -- they are acquired by heredity and as such there is no known way to "remove" them from your genetic makeup. Many of those conditions are relatively innocuous, in that passing them on to a child isn't putting their lives in danger. Case in point: I have the congenital form of hypertension (high blood pressure). It's completely treatable and manageable. Less innocuous are some of the more rare conditions, or difficult mental illnesses. One of my best friends is bipolar. He may have passed on his difficult disorder to his son, but with the average age of diagnosis being around 25, it may still be several years before his son will exhibit symptoms -- if he is indeed bipolar himself. My friend was not diagnosed when his son was conceived. Someone who knowingly has a difficult condition, or who even has a non-congenital condition that can be passed to a child (e.g., HIV/AIDS), may choose to not have children to prevent further suffering of another human even though they are "biologically capable."
3. Fiscal/socioeconomic. Children are expensive. Prenatal care is expensive. There are many services, with new ones coming about every day, to help people who have children that they cannot afford. Two biologically capable people may choose to not have children simply because they cannot afford them. They may be underemployed, or unemployed. They may have crushing debt, such as student loans. Factors such as the cost of child care may make having children a fiscal burden too great to bear. I had a colleague at one of my schools who, upon having a child, gave up her career in teaching to be a stay at home mom because day care would consume her entire paycheck. They are a one-income family because if mom worked, she wouldn't be bringing in any money anyway after child care bills were paid and at least this way she was actively involved in her daughter's development every step of the way rather than entrusting such things to a capable child care provider. Fortunately her husband makes enough money where they are able to do this, but this is not the case with everyone. Making a decision like this is certainly not easy and takes a degree of maturity. These couples may indeed want children but they realize they would not be able to adequately provide for the kids.
4. "Biologically capable," but only technically. I have a condition called PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome. My ovaries are covered in thousands of tiny cysts. Estimates are as high as 10% of all women aged 18-44 have PCOS, and because the symptoms can often be explained by other things it may go undiagnosed. Depending upon the severity of the condition, fertility may be seriously in question. I was diagnosed in my early twenties and assured by my OB/GYN that "he could get me pregnant if I wanted to." (My response: not by you, I hope.) Chances were that I would require fertility treatments, although it is not impossible for me to get pregnant by completely natural means. PCOS aside, there are other conditions that affect fertility for both men and women. Couples with these problems may want children. They may be trying for years to have children. Fertility treatments may be their only option, and few are covered by insurance. The decision to not have children may not actually be theirs. But things like fertility difficulties are not first date - or even fourth or fifth date - conversation material.
5. Adoption/Foster Care. Some people in this world have a real heart for children born to other people. Rather than have children of their own, they wish to love and raise a child who was put up for adoption, or open their home over and over to children in need who are in the foster care system. Many of these people believe that, with so many children needing homes, why should they bring more children into the world? I commend these people. Often children in need of adoption or foster care have special needs: behavioral or physical or developmental, or even a combination. They may be so-called "crack babies" or born to HIV-positive parents. They may have been shuttled around to so many foster homes that they are bitter and jaded. They may have been put into the foster system because they were victims or witnesses of domestic abuse. They may be parentless due to sudden death or incarceration, and there was no family member able to take them in. They may have been put up for adoption because of several disabilities that the birth parents simply couldn't live with or afford. These people should be lauded, not condemned because they choose to have children from other parents rather than biologically creating their own.
My advice to "Christian men" considering what kind of woman they should marry when it comes to kids is this: find a woman whose views on children match your own. If you want kids and want them to biologically be yours, then find a woman who feels the same way. If you have a heart for kids from other parents who need a family, there are many women out there who share your love. If children are just not your cup of tea, there are women who feel the same way. Compatibility, not a list of requirements, is key to any successful relationship, period.
Comments
Post a Comment
We are all adults here. Comments are welcome, but they are also moderated because there has been a marked increase in spam, trolling, and generally snarky and nasty comments being submitted. Different opinions are welcome when expressed maturely; rude comments and links will not be published.