Dates, Relationships, and Valentines - 3 (Mostly) Unrelated Topics in One Post
Once again, I've been remiss about blogging when there's information to share and discuss. It's partly been a lack of time, and partly the self-imposed "gag order" on certain subjects. It isn't that I haven't had thoughts to blog about, although several I can't because... I just can't. But today, three (mostly) unrelated topics for your reading pleasure!
Dates
As of my last posting, I was, I believe preparing for date #1 with M. We, of course, went on said date, which was simply meeting at a local sports bar for a couple of beers and some "get to know you" kind of chatting. I was pleasantly surprised to find he was more attractive in person than in his pictures, but I still wasn't sure of the true level of attraction. The date was... okay. It wasn't great, it wasn't scintillating, I didn't leave it thinking I was super excited. But, it was reasonably enjoyable, and first dates can be weird anyway. Connections and personalities sometimes take a chunk of time to come out from hiding. You know, you want to put your best foot forward and you tuck away your quirks and the like until you get to know someone better.
Within an hour of the date, M texted to say he "definitely wanted to keep dating me" and "to see where this might go." Apparently, I had made a positive impression on him. We set up date #2 for the following Sunday afternoon, as I was booked completely until then. It was during the week that things started to shift, though. One evening we were texting and I said that my best friend was over and we were hanging out. He, M, did not seem very cool with that. M knows I met my "best friend" on Match and that we were not relationship material. I assured M that D and I are "just friends." Still, I can't blame the guy for being a little wary of that.
Sunday arrived and we went on date #2, planned by M. He picked me up at my home - in the general vicinity of my apartment, that is - and we went to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art. I hadn't been to the Nelson to enjoy the art, and he did his college studies in art and art history. I thought this would be a neat experience.
Ha.
He walked through the Nelson like an impatient guy waiting on his lady friend to finish shopping. I thought he was bored out of his mind; he said he was "just fascinated by everything." We hardly stopped to actually look at any of the paintings. I was thrilled to walk into a room and there, in front of me in a row, were a Cezanne, a Van Gogh, and a Monet. He seemed like he couldn't wait to get a beer on the couch in front of the TV. After that unfulfilling experience, we went to a fun pub in the Westport area and enjoyed the unseasonably warm weather over a couple beers and some amazing cheeseburgers. But even that conversation was stilted. I was working really hard to keep him engaged, it seemed. He then took me home, asking what my plans for the evening were - I told him I was supposed to hang out with a girlfriend, which was partly true - and as he dropped me off he said, "Don't feel like you have to invite me in, ha ha!" I was grateful, because my house was a mess, and I told him "next time." I then patted his knee to say goodbye, and he grabbed my hand and smiled.
The next day we exchanged texts. He said he wanted to go back to dating other people. (I didn't know two dates was exclusive. In any way.) I said that was fine, I wasn't feeling the chemistry.
And that was that.
Relationships
As I've been back on Match, and D has been dating a woman he met on Zoosk, we've chatted about relationships many times. We're both middle aged and we both know what we want, although that's not to say we aren't open to something different. But he mentioned that he thought he could be in an "open relationship," which got me thinking about that subject.
By definition, an open relationship is where two people are committed to each other, yet still dating other folks on the side as they want. One definition said, "a marriage or relationship where both partners agree they may have sexual relations with others." Another said, "a relationship where two people agree they want to be together, but can't exactly promise they won't see other people, too." It is certainly an interesting subject, although I am sure many folks right now have their hackles raised at the idea. I can certainly understand that. I tend to be a monogamous person in relationships, and I can't say I share very well. When it comes to my partner, I need to be his priority, his first choice.
But then I thought about a situation I was in once. It was a "friends with benefits" type of relationship, and we acted like a couple. We really did. Most people who knew us casually thought we were indeed boyfriend-girlfriend. However, he was actively dating - and sleeping with - other people. I was free to do the same if I wanted to. Oddly enough, I was reasonably content with that arrangement, in part (I believe) because he was bisexual and the other partners were men, so I wasn't "competing" with another woman. Of course, I was also younger at the time. But remembering that, along with my current musings on the subject, have me wondering how that was really any different than an "open relationship," aside from the lack of it being an "official" relationship.
Could I be in an open relationship? I don't know. I have a good friend who was, sort of. Their relationship was committed but he had the freedom to occasionally go sleep with other women because he desired certain sexual things that the girlfriend was not willing to do. I'm actually okay with sharing someone who wants to date another woman, but if he wanted to sleep with them, I'd be done. Gone. Sayonara. Adios. With the sex, I mean. I just can't share that, and part of it is a legit concern about the health ramifications. I want to sleep with him, not with every other woman he is sleeping with, and I'd have no idea what he might be bringing back into our shared beds.
But could I? I just don't know, not that an open relationship is on the table anywhere near me. But in this day and age...
Valentines
Ah, yes. My favorite holiday is rapidly approaching - Valentine's Day. Or, as I prefer to call it, "Singles Awareness Day." It is followed by my REAL favorite February holiday, the "all chocolate is half priced because it's wrapped in pink and red" day. I have always been single on V day. I joked with a friend recently that I was going for a record this year: 39 consecutive Valentine's days single. He was shocked that I had never had a sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
Nope. Never have. No dates, no flowers, no chocolates, no cards. Well, I was once given a flower by a friend & colleague who was married but, being a very sweet guy, brought flowers for all the single women he knew because he believed every woman should get flowers on Valentine's Day.
Here's my take on the holiday, though. I think it's great we have a day on the calendar specifically to celebrate that "special someone" in your life. At the same time, I think it is sad that we have to have a day on the calendar to remind us to do something special for that person. I understand relationships fall into ruts, and that children and life demands often force romance onto the back burner, but still. This is your partner, your inamorata, your spouse, your significant other.
That said, I think the holiday has gotten to the point where it puts unrealistic demands on everyone, but especially the men. What is expected of the ladies: to look smoking hot. What is expected of the men: dinner reservations (and paying the bill), at least two of the following: flowers, candy, card, jewelry, stuffed animal, or some other thoughtful gift, and of course at the end of the evening the man is expected to give the woman the best sex she's had since last Valentine's Day. Really, all you have to do is turn on the TV and you'll be inundated with ads telling you this. "Every kiss begins with K!" "He went to Jared!" Just yesterday I saw an ad for a 4' tall teddy bear that guys could buy to give to their (scantily clad) lady. Images abounded of women in silky nightgowns leaping into bed to snuggle with this giant teddy bear. The ad made the point that flowers will wilt and die, and chocolates can be yucky, but a teddy bear will last forever! Cue scene of handsome man giving a giant bear to a beautiful woman, who squeals with delight and gives the guy a nice hug for buying her this $100 pile of fur-covered stuffing.
I think teddy bears are cute. I think if someone special got me a stuffed animal, I would think the gesture sweet. If someone got me a 4 foot tall stuffed animal, I would immediately wonder where I would put the damn thing so my house wouldn't look like a toy store, and how could I get rid of it without offending him. I mean, the next time he was over he would certainly notice something that large was gone. What would an almost-40 year old woman do with a giant teddy bear?
But I digress. Would I love to be with someone on Valentine's Day? Absolutely. Am I bitter and cynical largely because I am single? Most assuredly. Even if I was with someone, I wouldn't want the big "traditional" stuff. Give me a nice dinner at home with a bottle of wine or two. Light the fireplace. Cuddle. Sex without expectations of overblown orgasms. Quality time.
Okay, flowers would be nice.
Dates
As of my last posting, I was, I believe preparing for date #1 with M. We, of course, went on said date, which was simply meeting at a local sports bar for a couple of beers and some "get to know you" kind of chatting. I was pleasantly surprised to find he was more attractive in person than in his pictures, but I still wasn't sure of the true level of attraction. The date was... okay. It wasn't great, it wasn't scintillating, I didn't leave it thinking I was super excited. But, it was reasonably enjoyable, and first dates can be weird anyway. Connections and personalities sometimes take a chunk of time to come out from hiding. You know, you want to put your best foot forward and you tuck away your quirks and the like until you get to know someone better.
Within an hour of the date, M texted to say he "definitely wanted to keep dating me" and "to see where this might go." Apparently, I had made a positive impression on him. We set up date #2 for the following Sunday afternoon, as I was booked completely until then. It was during the week that things started to shift, though. One evening we were texting and I said that my best friend was over and we were hanging out. He, M, did not seem very cool with that. M knows I met my "best friend" on Match and that we were not relationship material. I assured M that D and I are "just friends." Still, I can't blame the guy for being a little wary of that.
Sunday arrived and we went on date #2, planned by M. He picked me up at my home - in the general vicinity of my apartment, that is - and we went to the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art. I hadn't been to the Nelson to enjoy the art, and he did his college studies in art and art history. I thought this would be a neat experience.
Ha.
He walked through the Nelson like an impatient guy waiting on his lady friend to finish shopping. I thought he was bored out of his mind; he said he was "just fascinated by everything." We hardly stopped to actually look at any of the paintings. I was thrilled to walk into a room and there, in front of me in a row, were a Cezanne, a Van Gogh, and a Monet. He seemed like he couldn't wait to get a beer on the couch in front of the TV. After that unfulfilling experience, we went to a fun pub in the Westport area and enjoyed the unseasonably warm weather over a couple beers and some amazing cheeseburgers. But even that conversation was stilted. I was working really hard to keep him engaged, it seemed. He then took me home, asking what my plans for the evening were - I told him I was supposed to hang out with a girlfriend, which was partly true - and as he dropped me off he said, "Don't feel like you have to invite me in, ha ha!" I was grateful, because my house was a mess, and I told him "next time." I then patted his knee to say goodbye, and he grabbed my hand and smiled.
The next day we exchanged texts. He said he wanted to go back to dating other people. (I didn't know two dates was exclusive. In any way.) I said that was fine, I wasn't feeling the chemistry.
And that was that.
Relationships
As I've been back on Match, and D has been dating a woman he met on Zoosk, we've chatted about relationships many times. We're both middle aged and we both know what we want, although that's not to say we aren't open to something different. But he mentioned that he thought he could be in an "open relationship," which got me thinking about that subject.
By definition, an open relationship is where two people are committed to each other, yet still dating other folks on the side as they want. One definition said, "a marriage or relationship where both partners agree they may have sexual relations with others." Another said, "a relationship where two people agree they want to be together, but can't exactly promise they won't see other people, too." It is certainly an interesting subject, although I am sure many folks right now have their hackles raised at the idea. I can certainly understand that. I tend to be a monogamous person in relationships, and I can't say I share very well. When it comes to my partner, I need to be his priority, his first choice.
But then I thought about a situation I was in once. It was a "friends with benefits" type of relationship, and we acted like a couple. We really did. Most people who knew us casually thought we were indeed boyfriend-girlfriend. However, he was actively dating - and sleeping with - other people. I was free to do the same if I wanted to. Oddly enough, I was reasonably content with that arrangement, in part (I believe) because he was bisexual and the other partners were men, so I wasn't "competing" with another woman. Of course, I was also younger at the time. But remembering that, along with my current musings on the subject, have me wondering how that was really any different than an "open relationship," aside from the lack of it being an "official" relationship.
Could I be in an open relationship? I don't know. I have a good friend who was, sort of. Their relationship was committed but he had the freedom to occasionally go sleep with other women because he desired certain sexual things that the girlfriend was not willing to do. I'm actually okay with sharing someone who wants to date another woman, but if he wanted to sleep with them, I'd be done. Gone. Sayonara. Adios. With the sex, I mean. I just can't share that, and part of it is a legit concern about the health ramifications. I want to sleep with him, not with every other woman he is sleeping with, and I'd have no idea what he might be bringing back into our shared beds.
But could I? I just don't know, not that an open relationship is on the table anywhere near me. But in this day and age...
Valentines
Ah, yes. My favorite holiday is rapidly approaching - Valentine's Day. Or, as I prefer to call it, "Singles Awareness Day." It is followed by my REAL favorite February holiday, the "all chocolate is half priced because it's wrapped in pink and red" day. I have always been single on V day. I joked with a friend recently that I was going for a record this year: 39 consecutive Valentine's days single. He was shocked that I had never had a sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
Nope. Never have. No dates, no flowers, no chocolates, no cards. Well, I was once given a flower by a friend & colleague who was married but, being a very sweet guy, brought flowers for all the single women he knew because he believed every woman should get flowers on Valentine's Day.
Here's my take on the holiday, though. I think it's great we have a day on the calendar specifically to celebrate that "special someone" in your life. At the same time, I think it is sad that we have to have a day on the calendar to remind us to do something special for that person. I understand relationships fall into ruts, and that children and life demands often force romance onto the back burner, but still. This is your partner, your inamorata, your spouse, your significant other.
That said, I think the holiday has gotten to the point where it puts unrealistic demands on everyone, but especially the men. What is expected of the ladies: to look smoking hot. What is expected of the men: dinner reservations (and paying the bill), at least two of the following: flowers, candy, card, jewelry, stuffed animal, or some other thoughtful gift, and of course at the end of the evening the man is expected to give the woman the best sex she's had since last Valentine's Day. Really, all you have to do is turn on the TV and you'll be inundated with ads telling you this. "Every kiss begins with K!" "He went to Jared!" Just yesterday I saw an ad for a 4' tall teddy bear that guys could buy to give to their (scantily clad) lady. Images abounded of women in silky nightgowns leaping into bed to snuggle with this giant teddy bear. The ad made the point that flowers will wilt and die, and chocolates can be yucky, but a teddy bear will last forever! Cue scene of handsome man giving a giant bear to a beautiful woman, who squeals with delight and gives the guy a nice hug for buying her this $100 pile of fur-covered stuffing.
I think teddy bears are cute. I think if someone special got me a stuffed animal, I would think the gesture sweet. If someone got me a 4 foot tall stuffed animal, I would immediately wonder where I would put the damn thing so my house wouldn't look like a toy store, and how could I get rid of it without offending him. I mean, the next time he was over he would certainly notice something that large was gone. What would an almost-40 year old woman do with a giant teddy bear?
But I digress. Would I love to be with someone on Valentine's Day? Absolutely. Am I bitter and cynical largely because I am single? Most assuredly. Even if I was with someone, I wouldn't want the big "traditional" stuff. Give me a nice dinner at home with a bottle of wine or two. Light the fireplace. Cuddle. Sex without expectations of overblown orgasms. Quality time.
Okay, flowers would be nice.
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