Freedom, O Freedom
D's son got married today. I've known "the kids" as long as I've known D. Literally. I met them on my first date with D. I was supposed to provide the music for their lakeside ceremony -- my gift to them not only as great people but also a couple doing a wedding on a raggedy shoestring budget.
Instead, as they were exchanging vows, I was recoloring my hair.
Any regrets? Nope. I was just touching up the areas that didn't take as well the first time.
Oh wait, I was talking about missing the kids' wedding. Okay, because they are special people, perhaps I have a tinge of regret. But that is quickly assuaged by the thought of having to see not only D, but both of his ex-wives -- something that would only be funny as a side scene in a slapstick comedy like "The Hangover".
It was some two months ago that D … ended everything. Unexpectedly. Violently. The last time we "talked", he called me up to cuss me out. After that "conversation", I contacted my landlord and arranged to have the locks changed on my apartment. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. I lost my closest friend in an inexplicable way. I wasn't even allowed to apologize, not that I necessarily had anything to apologize for. The days that followed were filled with tears and pain, with learning how to live with a silent cell phone, with that illusive and now overwhelmingly present thing called "free time". I mourned the loss of a friend. I hurt for the battle he was (is?) going through. And I said a requiem for a good chunk of my limited social life.
Two months later, and I can't tell you when I've been so happy.
I can't credit my happiness solely on D exiting my life. Some important changes at work are also part of the equation. When things happen to make it so you look forward to going to work every day, that does have an impact on your morale. However, that doesn't completely explain my happiness.
I'm off my anti-depressants. I know this isn't a permanent thing; that's part of the curse of having a chronic mental illness. But I am enjoying the hell out of being off of them, and I can't help but notice how dosage increases and drug additions coincided with aspects of my time with D. I'm not blaming him. I'm just pointing out there are parallels.
I truly feel better about myself. My self-confidence is returning and right now I feel like a force to be reckoned with -- in a good way. I am not waiting on someone else's opinion or approval of my appearance or of a choice I made. I don't need validation for anything.
Most importantly, I feel free. Completely free.
I'm not referring to how controlling D was, intentionally or unintentionally. He and I always had chemistry and the sex was really pretty damn good. But when there is that spark and intimacy between two people, we can scream how single we are all we want but we are never truly free. We both dated and slept with other people because we weren't an actual couple. But I can tell you first-hand how hard it is to convince someone that you have started dating that you're best friends with your ex but it isn't something they should worry about. Because they will worry, and they rightfully should.
Well, unless you & your ex split because they came out as gay or something. Then they'll worry about other things about you.
I've been single for months. Technically, two years. But it's hard to really see yourself as single when you have a lover who texts you all the time, and who wants to spend hours upon hours of time with you. It's hard to see yourself as single when you are still physically intimate. It's hard to see yourself as single when you have someone always saying "I love you".
I now feel like flirting with someone isn't a precursor to "cheating". I feel like if I were to meet or start seeing someone, I wouldn't have to make a "choice". And I'm ready to be back out there. I'm not resubscribing to Match or anything just yet. There's plenty of time for that kind of stuff. Right now, I'm just enjoying being happy.
And free.
Instead, as they were exchanging vows, I was recoloring my hair.
Any regrets? Nope. I was just touching up the areas that didn't take as well the first time.
Oh wait, I was talking about missing the kids' wedding. Okay, because they are special people, perhaps I have a tinge of regret. But that is quickly assuaged by the thought of having to see not only D, but both of his ex-wives -- something that would only be funny as a side scene in a slapstick comedy like "The Hangover".
It was some two months ago that D … ended everything. Unexpectedly. Violently. The last time we "talked", he called me up to cuss me out. After that "conversation", I contacted my landlord and arranged to have the locks changed on my apartment. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. I lost my closest friend in an inexplicable way. I wasn't even allowed to apologize, not that I necessarily had anything to apologize for. The days that followed were filled with tears and pain, with learning how to live with a silent cell phone, with that illusive and now overwhelmingly present thing called "free time". I mourned the loss of a friend. I hurt for the battle he was (is?) going through. And I said a requiem for a good chunk of my limited social life.
Two months later, and I can't tell you when I've been so happy.
I can't credit my happiness solely on D exiting my life. Some important changes at work are also part of the equation. When things happen to make it so you look forward to going to work every day, that does have an impact on your morale. However, that doesn't completely explain my happiness.
I'm off my anti-depressants. I know this isn't a permanent thing; that's part of the curse of having a chronic mental illness. But I am enjoying the hell out of being off of them, and I can't help but notice how dosage increases and drug additions coincided with aspects of my time with D. I'm not blaming him. I'm just pointing out there are parallels.
I truly feel better about myself. My self-confidence is returning and right now I feel like a force to be reckoned with -- in a good way. I am not waiting on someone else's opinion or approval of my appearance or of a choice I made. I don't need validation for anything.
Most importantly, I feel free. Completely free.
I'm not referring to how controlling D was, intentionally or unintentionally. He and I always had chemistry and the sex was really pretty damn good. But when there is that spark and intimacy between two people, we can scream how single we are all we want but we are never truly free. We both dated and slept with other people because we weren't an actual couple. But I can tell you first-hand how hard it is to convince someone that you have started dating that you're best friends with your ex but it isn't something they should worry about. Because they will worry, and they rightfully should.
Well, unless you & your ex split because they came out as gay or something. Then they'll worry about other things about you.
I've been single for months. Technically, two years. But it's hard to really see yourself as single when you have a lover who texts you all the time, and who wants to spend hours upon hours of time with you. It's hard to see yourself as single when you are still physically intimate. It's hard to see yourself as single when you have someone always saying "I love you".
I now feel like flirting with someone isn't a precursor to "cheating". I feel like if I were to meet or start seeing someone, I wouldn't have to make a "choice". And I'm ready to be back out there. I'm not resubscribing to Match or anything just yet. There's plenty of time for that kind of stuff. Right now, I'm just enjoying being happy.
And free.
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