So Another Year Begins...
Happy 2019! I celebrated as I usually do -- alone. At home, eating something unhealthy and drinking plenty, watching Netflix and ending up in bed well before midnight. I almost saw the birth of 2019, as I lost track of time watching YouTube videos, but ultimately crashed literally minutes before 12:00.
I would never make it as a Cinderella.
And in keeping with my "tradition", no kiss at midnight for me. It's never happened, and with each passing year I can't help but lose a little bit of hope that it ever will.
But what about MG?
Good question.
Two days ago, he spent an hour or so of his morning blowing up my phone as usual. I fell sick the day after my birthday (28th) but he continued to be in contact, telling me all about the "private coaching" I was "soon to get". Translated: the meal he was going to cook for me soon. Promises of pasta with Alfredo sauce, lots of garlic bread, and Ferrero Rocher candies he'd bought for me. Time together out of the public eye. Very subtle hints of other things.
Yesterday I'd texted him to let him know I was better. No response.
Today, I sent him a "Happy New Year" text. So far, no response.
Now, I know he's had his daughter and the custody schedule has been weird because of the holidays and his ex-wife traveling. But -- so far -- that hasn't prevented him from being able to blow up my phone. So this silence is... weird.
If he's lost interest, so be it. I'm not putting up false bravado, don't get me wrong. I've been having my doubts about whether or not this was really a good fit. MG seems obsessed with feeding me, and feeding me fattening foods. He thinks I'm "tiny". I'm not. He "loves" my bellies and wants them rounder. I don't. In fact, I want them smaller, and my weight loss goals have been sidetracked since the stalker. When MG and I are one-on-one, our conversations do include current events and getting to know more about each other. But our text conversations are almost exclusively about food, no matter how I try to bring up new subjects.
He clearly has a fetish. I'm not sure I want to be a part of it any more.
Sure, he's handsome, successful, intelligent (even if I had to explain to him that the "laughing so hard I'm crying" emoji was NOT, in fact, the straight crying emoji in a somewhat awkward moment), articulate, and we have many interests in common. On paper, he seems like a great fit. But this feeding/food fetish thing, obsession with my bellies and their jiggling... just getting too weird for me.
A few days before my actual birthday, we went to Red Robin to take advantage of my free birthday burger. I talked about this some in my last post, as this was also the last time I saw him. I ordered the guacamole burger, and they now make shakes with booze in them, so I had the Irish Cream one for dessert. And of course you can't go to Red Robin and not have bottomless fries. So I'm consuming approximately 1 billion calories and he's urging me to consume more. What does he order? A bowl of chili and a sangria. That's it. He did eat 2 or 3 of my fries.
If you've ever been that person who has been the only one hungry when going out with someone -- friends, significant others, whoever -- you know how awkward it can feel to be the only one eating. Now take that feeling and add to it that the person you are with wants to watch you eat and keeps pushing more food on you. And now, if you can, try to imagine that through the eyes of someone who has always been conscious about their weight, who has struggled through extreme obesity, who has lost over 100 pounds only to gain much of it back, whose body image is less than great.
That is where I am. And, I don't like it. Which is why I haven't been blowing up his phone, not that I ever do. My take on that is: I'm only going to blow up your phone if I absolutely have to have an answer to something, or if it's part of a joke. Otherwise, if you don't respond, it's probably because you are busy, unable to respond, or... don't want to. And if you don't want to, there isn't much I can do to change that. I mean, I'm old enough to remember the days before texting, where you called someone on their land line and if they weren't home, you left a message. Leaving 20 messages wouldn't get them home to check them any sooner. And when cell phones started becoming something everyone had and not just the wealthy, if you missed a call it just said "Missed Call". There was no voicemail. It didn't even tell you whose call you'd missed.
Besides, cell phone use, if we really think honestly about it, is getting out of hand. Most workplaces have policies where cell use is strictly limited or forbidden. At my retail job, cell phones are not supposed to be out while you're on the sales floor. If you have to take a call or reply to a text, you're supposed to step off the floor. Now there is a gray area: they have given us tablets with all these fancy features to be able to help customers away from the computers. Except the tablets are highly unreliable and we've not received much training on them. For basic questions, we can usually answer them in 1/10 the time using the app on our phones. Discouraged by management (officially), but many of them realize how inefficient the tablets still are, so we get away with it.
This was something I dealt with with TG. Remember him? The ex who surprisingly broke my heart after his ex called wanting to get back together? Yeah, him. At his job, he would have to sneak off to somewhere that there were no security cameras in order to call me, and replying to texts was infrequent at best. (Another reason I was so angry and hurt that he'd taken a call from his ex. I could rarely get a hold of him and I was his girlfriend! But she calls and just like that....)
Speaking of TG... he popped up briefly. Innocuously. But enough to give me pause. We're still friends on Facebook, and in spite of Facebook's "thoughtful" recommendations, I never blocked him or "took a break". He's on infrequently, rarely posts. The most obnoxious thing I've had to deal with is him popping up anytime FB thinks I'm trying to tag a person even though I'm clearly typing a normal, every day word that just happens to be part of someone's name.
Well, in my morning FB check I was looking at who had "liked" a meme I had posted. The meme said, "Here's to the people who love me, the losers that lost me, and the lucky <expletive> who get to meet me." I was really surprised to see that he had liked it. Did he not realize he was in the category of "loser who lost me"? My brain, being the rabbit warren that it is, went off in 20 different directions as to why he would have liked that and not anything else I've posted. Ultimately, who knows. In the last text I sent him, it was clear the door wasn't closed. He can text me or call me any time he wants, and he hasn't. So, whatever.
So where does all this leave me? Right now, very confused and quite lonely. MG may suddenly pop up again, or he may not. I have no idea about TG, who when he split with me told me he honestly didn't know if this thing with his ex would work out at all or for how long. I've been debating going back out on Match and Tinder; my Match subscription is good until March something and Tinder is free. But right now that seems to require more energy than I have. So for now... single cat lady it is!
I would never make it as a Cinderella.
And in keeping with my "tradition", no kiss at midnight for me. It's never happened, and with each passing year I can't help but lose a little bit of hope that it ever will.
But what about MG?
Good question.
Two days ago, he spent an hour or so of his morning blowing up my phone as usual. I fell sick the day after my birthday (28th) but he continued to be in contact, telling me all about the "private coaching" I was "soon to get". Translated: the meal he was going to cook for me soon. Promises of pasta with Alfredo sauce, lots of garlic bread, and Ferrero Rocher candies he'd bought for me. Time together out of the public eye. Very subtle hints of other things.
Yesterday I'd texted him to let him know I was better. No response.
Today, I sent him a "Happy New Year" text. So far, no response.
Now, I know he's had his daughter and the custody schedule has been weird because of the holidays and his ex-wife traveling. But -- so far -- that hasn't prevented him from being able to blow up my phone. So this silence is... weird.
If he's lost interest, so be it. I'm not putting up false bravado, don't get me wrong. I've been having my doubts about whether or not this was really a good fit. MG seems obsessed with feeding me, and feeding me fattening foods. He thinks I'm "tiny". I'm not. He "loves" my bellies and wants them rounder. I don't. In fact, I want them smaller, and my weight loss goals have been sidetracked since the stalker. When MG and I are one-on-one, our conversations do include current events and getting to know more about each other. But our text conversations are almost exclusively about food, no matter how I try to bring up new subjects.
He clearly has a fetish. I'm not sure I want to be a part of it any more.
Sure, he's handsome, successful, intelligent (even if I had to explain to him that the "laughing so hard I'm crying" emoji was NOT, in fact, the straight crying emoji in a somewhat awkward moment), articulate, and we have many interests in common. On paper, he seems like a great fit. But this feeding/food fetish thing, obsession with my bellies and their jiggling... just getting too weird for me.
A few days before my actual birthday, we went to Red Robin to take advantage of my free birthday burger. I talked about this some in my last post, as this was also the last time I saw him. I ordered the guacamole burger, and they now make shakes with booze in them, so I had the Irish Cream one for dessert. And of course you can't go to Red Robin and not have bottomless fries. So I'm consuming approximately 1 billion calories and he's urging me to consume more. What does he order? A bowl of chili and a sangria. That's it. He did eat 2 or 3 of my fries.
If you've ever been that person who has been the only one hungry when going out with someone -- friends, significant others, whoever -- you know how awkward it can feel to be the only one eating. Now take that feeling and add to it that the person you are with wants to watch you eat and keeps pushing more food on you. And now, if you can, try to imagine that through the eyes of someone who has always been conscious about their weight, who has struggled through extreme obesity, who has lost over 100 pounds only to gain much of it back, whose body image is less than great.
That is where I am. And, I don't like it. Which is why I haven't been blowing up his phone, not that I ever do. My take on that is: I'm only going to blow up your phone if I absolutely have to have an answer to something, or if it's part of a joke. Otherwise, if you don't respond, it's probably because you are busy, unable to respond, or... don't want to. And if you don't want to, there isn't much I can do to change that. I mean, I'm old enough to remember the days before texting, where you called someone on their land line and if they weren't home, you left a message. Leaving 20 messages wouldn't get them home to check them any sooner. And when cell phones started becoming something everyone had and not just the wealthy, if you missed a call it just said "Missed Call". There was no voicemail. It didn't even tell you whose call you'd missed.
Besides, cell phone use, if we really think honestly about it, is getting out of hand. Most workplaces have policies where cell use is strictly limited or forbidden. At my retail job, cell phones are not supposed to be out while you're on the sales floor. If you have to take a call or reply to a text, you're supposed to step off the floor. Now there is a gray area: they have given us tablets with all these fancy features to be able to help customers away from the computers. Except the tablets are highly unreliable and we've not received much training on them. For basic questions, we can usually answer them in 1/10 the time using the app on our phones. Discouraged by management (officially), but many of them realize how inefficient the tablets still are, so we get away with it.
This was something I dealt with with TG. Remember him? The ex who surprisingly broke my heart after his ex called wanting to get back together? Yeah, him. At his job, he would have to sneak off to somewhere that there were no security cameras in order to call me, and replying to texts was infrequent at best. (Another reason I was so angry and hurt that he'd taken a call from his ex. I could rarely get a hold of him and I was his girlfriend! But she calls and just like that....)
Speaking of TG... he popped up briefly. Innocuously. But enough to give me pause. We're still friends on Facebook, and in spite of Facebook's "thoughtful" recommendations, I never blocked him or "took a break". He's on infrequently, rarely posts. The most obnoxious thing I've had to deal with is him popping up anytime FB thinks I'm trying to tag a person even though I'm clearly typing a normal, every day word that just happens to be part of someone's name.
Well, in my morning FB check I was looking at who had "liked" a meme I had posted. The meme said, "Here's to the people who love me, the losers that lost me, and the lucky <expletive> who get to meet me." I was really surprised to see that he had liked it. Did he not realize he was in the category of "loser who lost me"? My brain, being the rabbit warren that it is, went off in 20 different directions as to why he would have liked that and not anything else I've posted. Ultimately, who knows. In the last text I sent him, it was clear the door wasn't closed. He can text me or call me any time he wants, and he hasn't. So, whatever.
So where does all this leave me? Right now, very confused and quite lonely. MG may suddenly pop up again, or he may not. I have no idea about TG, who when he split with me told me he honestly didn't know if this thing with his ex would work out at all or for how long. I've been debating going back out on Match and Tinder; my Match subscription is good until March something and Tinder is free. But right now that seems to require more energy than I have. So for now... single cat lady it is!
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