Confusion and Secrets

So it's been a couple weeks since I met Mr. M and we really clicked beyond the initial texting. We met a couple more times for drinks and conversation, and had very enjoyable times. The second time we did that, a late-night meeting after a busy concert weekend for me, we had a fairly serious conversation.

He spent a good 45 minutes unburdening himself on me. He wanted me to know exactly where he was with his marriage (he's currently separated), why he cheated on his wife, why he did that with the person he did, and other such things. In his words, he wanted to tell me all this information for two key reasons:

1. If any of it was going to be a deal breaker, he wanted me to break the deal sooner rather than later.
2. He felt he "could not move forward seriously with me" unless he did.

I had told him before the conversation that while I don't condone infidelity, I do believe that people can find themselves in situations not of their own choosing/making wherein such actions are at least understandable, perhaps even justifiable. A wife who shuts out her husband both emotionally and sexually, to the point where she hasn't even kissed him in 5 years... yeah, I can understand why a man would stray, and when there are children involved, why he'd try to stick around.

Mr. M was very upfront about his lengthy affair and the reasons why he had it, and why it ended. There's some baggage there because of how she broke it off, as marriage was a possibility between the two of them. He was also very forward and honest about where his marital counseling is... and one little fact I didn't already know.

He hasn't clearly told his wife he wants a divorce.

Now they are very separated. He sleeps on the couch every night, has for months, and they don't communicate about anything, really. She has to see the writing on the wall. He's done everything he can and should: couple's counseling, individual counseling, etc. She has not met him halfway. She's gone to the couple's counseling but has not done her homework, is not putting forth any effort, and refused individual counseling believing there is nothing wrong with her, even though anyone who knows their history can clearly see she has changed as much, if not more, than Mr. M. But he has done all this not to save the marriage, but so now and for the rest of his life he can look his daughters in their eyes and tell them honestly he did everything he could. And he has set a deadline: he will tell his wife that divorce is the only option before their next counseling appointment, which is at the end of this month.

It was a good conversation for us to have, and I'm glad it happened. None of it was a deal breaker for me, and after 4.5 hours, we bid good night. He left on a business trip, and the texting and flirting and all continued at its previous semi-rapid pace.

We had already set up a "dinner and conversation" date for Thursday upon his return. At the same conversation where he shared the marital issues, he also asked about his options that Thursday evening. He could 1. go home very late after dinner, 2. spend the night in my guest room or on my couch, or 3. spend the night in  my bed.

I'll give you three guesses as to which I chose, and the first two don't count.

It was a very enjoyable evening. I was fortunate to not have to work the next day, and he had a flexible schedule. So even though his alarm went off at 5:00, he turned it off and we went back to sleep. We lazily lay around and chatted and played Trivia Crack and enjoyed being together until his phone exploding with text messages and calls from work was too much. We walked out together, off to our separate destinations, and as part of his good bye he asked me "I will see you again, yes?"

Now we've had the conversation that neither of us are interested in notches in our bed posts or anything. For us, sex is something more serious than that. Yeah, yeah, I can hear all of you who know me muttering about some of my "buddies" and the ONS mistake I made last year. Truth be told, I'm not interested in that anymore. I want a stable relationship, not self-gratification.

Everything seemed promising. Which is why the past 48 hours have left me unsettled and upset, for lack of a better term. After telling me he really enjoyed our date and all of that, the communication has diminished. The flirting is almost non-existent. The frequency of the texting is less. He hasn't responded to comments like, "Maybe we can find time for a drink before you leave again."

Ever-paranoid me, I am trying to not panic. We've made no agreement to be exclusive. He's in a difficult situation. I need to be patient. I know I sometimes want to rush things too much.

Finally yesterday afternoon, I got up the nerve to ask him, "Do you still want to see me?" His answer was, "I do, but we need to take things slow."

Okay, I can buy that. I told him I understood and apologized if I'd pushed too much. I told him I would back off. His reply to that was, "No, I just want to make sure I'm not giving more than I can sustain." I appreciated the explanation and told him I'd try to let him call most of the shots for a while, key word being most. Last night we texted some, and it was more like "old times," yet I can't quite put my finger on why I feel... unsettled.

I need to chill. He's said he wants to see me again. He's told me more than once he is NOT looking for a hook-up, does NOT want to add notches to his bedpost, etc. He did say he wanted to move forward with me (although granted that was before we spent the night together). I suppose my paranoia, for lack of a more accurately descriptive term, comes from the fact that this all seems to have happened right after we finally "went there." Was I not "good enough" for him? Was all his assurance I was what he desired physically not true after he saw me that way?

Now I know that isn't completely the case. If I scroll back through the texts for the week prior to our date, there's a moderate decrease there. And I have to keep in mind that when he is home, his number 1 priority, period, is to his girls. That's actually one of the things I find most attractive about him. His deadline for having a difficult conversation with his wife is beginning to loom. He's in a transition period at work. And for all intents and purposes, he's having an affair with me. When he's back on the road again next week, that is when I'll be really able to see where I "stand" with him when it comes to texting and all.

I'm single and, sad to say, probably needy because of having met him. He's a great guy. He's goofy, smart, handsome, articulate, a gentleman. He will do anything for his girls and friends. He's successful and organized. He's both a good match and a good balance. Now he is, sadly, a Fox News-watching conservative, but that's probably a very good thing for me (although my close friends have about burst at the seams with laughter when they've found out). He's actually, in many ways, progressive... at least for a Fox News-watching conservative. So of course I want to grab him and claim him.

And that won't work in any relationship.

So we're back to my old nemesis: time. Time, time, time. I need to give him time, which may be the hardest thing I've yet to do. Well, maybe not as hard as having to put space between me and certain other gentlemen in my history, but when it comes to my current situation, it's very difficult. It doesn't help that it's spring break for me, and I'll have a considerable amount of free time on my hands.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. And if anyone wants to distract me, I'd be glad for it!