A New Era
So after being ghosted by 3 different guys, I was trying hard to stay positive and keep myself out there. It's not easy. If you're someone who is trying to date, you understand. If you are happily in a relationship, have patience with your friends who are trying to date. It's hard on your self-esteem.
However, it was a good thing I did stay out there, because I matched with a guy we'll call Larry. (Not his real name, obvs.) His profile was quirky, his pictures were reasonably handsome, and he came across in his "card", as Tinder calls them, as an intelligent and nice guy. His first message to me was a question about a well-known Baroque composer.
Not exactly the usual line I get, to say the least.
So we exchanged a few messages about that, then he sent me a video about a certain kind of musical rhythm and asked me about that. I obliged, although I was starting to feel like I was teaching music appreciation via Tinder message. But a few messages later, and he said, "Sold! I would like to take you out to dinner..."
Well, then. Okay.
We set a date and exchanged numbers. Then began the texting. Fun. Intellectual. Flirty. All the bases were covered, and it wasn't anything weird. No revelations of unusual sexual needs or personality issues or, "oh, hey, by the way I live with my mom still." Like a couple of teenagers, we eagerly counted down the time to our first date. And what a date it was.
As is well documented on this blog, I'm no stranger to first dates or dating in general. I can honestly say I have never before met someone who within the first few minutes of meeting I wanted to kiss, that I wanted to be close to. It usually takes me a little time to warm up into that part of someone. But Larry was an exception.
Good sign.
Then we discovered kissing is something we do really well.
Another good sign. Believe me, there are few killjoys like a guy who is a bad kisser.
Our first date was on a Saturday night. We had already made plans for Sunday. Then we made plans for Tuesday, which had to be rescheduled to Wednesday. Then Friday, which was the first time he spent the night.
In the interim, we texted and talked on the phone about all manner of things life-related. Every morning he sends me a good morning text (provided we aren't at the same location). We have open, honest communication. He is patient with my previous relationship trauma. I gently encourage him to take better care of himself. We have an ongoing rivalry playing Trivial Pursuit Live on my Xbox. We're two nerds who found each other and have great chemistry and are remarkably comfortable.
How comfortable? In the entirety of my life, I have never slept well with someone else in the same bed. It doesn't matter if they are lover or friend, I don't sleep well. I could take a triple dose of my insomnia medication and still sleep restlessly. Larry's first night over I slept like a rock, and I continue to do so.
Yet another good sign.
Last night we had arguably our most enjoyable evening to date, and yet it wasn't anything "special". He came over after work, cracked open a beer to match my martini. I cooked dinner while we chatted. We sat outside and talked and laughed more. We played a couple of games of Trivial Pursuit Live (we're currently even in wins). We talked more. We went to bed and within a few minutes we were soundly asleep. His head was on my shoulder and he was snoring; I put the iPad away and don't remember anything until shortly before 6am when we both woke up. As he said this morning when I handed him his coffee, it was a very enjoyable evening of simply being domestic.
We are aware there will be difficulties. We are both in our 40s and neither of us have been married. It will come as no surprise that we are both set in our ways, although we are willing to make compromises. Both of us are dealing with issues related to our ages and sex, but we both agree sex does not define a relationship -- intimacy does. The connection has to be first in the brain, the ability to converse at a certain intellectual level, being able to enjoy simply spending time together.
This is something that was frankly lacking in my last relationship. Nothing against him, but the main reason he wanted to see me was for sex. Not that we didn't have good conversations and do things other than fool around, but sex was very central for him. It reminds me of some research I once read that boiled down to a Venus/Mars kind of way of relationships. To summarize, it said that women need intimacy to have sex, and men need sex to have intimacy.
Larry is more of the former than the latter. Honestly, I have never experienced something quite like what we have so far. It just feels so... normal. Comfortable. We have a lot in common, but a lot of differences. He and I align in key areas and yet can openly discuss things where we don't see eye-to-eye without becoming defensive, critical, nasty. I think he's hot. He thinks -- and tells me -- I'm beautiful.
We haven't had the conversation about "is this a relationship", although within 5 minutes of meeting me he looked me straight in the eye and said, "if we ever break up, I promise..." There's no need to rush to put a title on "us". We're happy, and we have plenty of time ahead of us.
However, it was a good thing I did stay out there, because I matched with a guy we'll call Larry. (Not his real name, obvs.) His profile was quirky, his pictures were reasonably handsome, and he came across in his "card", as Tinder calls them, as an intelligent and nice guy. His first message to me was a question about a well-known Baroque composer.
Not exactly the usual line I get, to say the least.
So we exchanged a few messages about that, then he sent me a video about a certain kind of musical rhythm and asked me about that. I obliged, although I was starting to feel like I was teaching music appreciation via Tinder message. But a few messages later, and he said, "Sold! I would like to take you out to dinner..."
Well, then. Okay.
We set a date and exchanged numbers. Then began the texting. Fun. Intellectual. Flirty. All the bases were covered, and it wasn't anything weird. No revelations of unusual sexual needs or personality issues or, "oh, hey, by the way I live with my mom still." Like a couple of teenagers, we eagerly counted down the time to our first date. And what a date it was.
As is well documented on this blog, I'm no stranger to first dates or dating in general. I can honestly say I have never before met someone who within the first few minutes of meeting I wanted to kiss, that I wanted to be close to. It usually takes me a little time to warm up into that part of someone. But Larry was an exception.
Good sign.
Then we discovered kissing is something we do really well.
Another good sign. Believe me, there are few killjoys like a guy who is a bad kisser.
Our first date was on a Saturday night. We had already made plans for Sunday. Then we made plans for Tuesday, which had to be rescheduled to Wednesday. Then Friday, which was the first time he spent the night.
In the interim, we texted and talked on the phone about all manner of things life-related. Every morning he sends me a good morning text (provided we aren't at the same location). We have open, honest communication. He is patient with my previous relationship trauma. I gently encourage him to take better care of himself. We have an ongoing rivalry playing Trivial Pursuit Live on my Xbox. We're two nerds who found each other and have great chemistry and are remarkably comfortable.
How comfortable? In the entirety of my life, I have never slept well with someone else in the same bed. It doesn't matter if they are lover or friend, I don't sleep well. I could take a triple dose of my insomnia medication and still sleep restlessly. Larry's first night over I slept like a rock, and I continue to do so.
Yet another good sign.
Last night we had arguably our most enjoyable evening to date, and yet it wasn't anything "special". He came over after work, cracked open a beer to match my martini. I cooked dinner while we chatted. We sat outside and talked and laughed more. We played a couple of games of Trivial Pursuit Live (we're currently even in wins). We talked more. We went to bed and within a few minutes we were soundly asleep. His head was on my shoulder and he was snoring; I put the iPad away and don't remember anything until shortly before 6am when we both woke up. As he said this morning when I handed him his coffee, it was a very enjoyable evening of simply being domestic.
We are aware there will be difficulties. We are both in our 40s and neither of us have been married. It will come as no surprise that we are both set in our ways, although we are willing to make compromises. Both of us are dealing with issues related to our ages and sex, but we both agree sex does not define a relationship -- intimacy does. The connection has to be first in the brain, the ability to converse at a certain intellectual level, being able to enjoy simply spending time together.
This is something that was frankly lacking in my last relationship. Nothing against him, but the main reason he wanted to see me was for sex. Not that we didn't have good conversations and do things other than fool around, but sex was very central for him. It reminds me of some research I once read that boiled down to a Venus/Mars kind of way of relationships. To summarize, it said that women need intimacy to have sex, and men need sex to have intimacy.
Larry is more of the former than the latter. Honestly, I have never experienced something quite like what we have so far. It just feels so... normal. Comfortable. We have a lot in common, but a lot of differences. He and I align in key areas and yet can openly discuss things where we don't see eye-to-eye without becoming defensive, critical, nasty. I think he's hot. He thinks -- and tells me -- I'm beautiful.
We haven't had the conversation about "is this a relationship", although within 5 minutes of meeting me he looked me straight in the eye and said, "if we ever break up, I promise..." There's no need to rush to put a title on "us". We're happy, and we have plenty of time ahead of us.
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