In the Settling Dust
Many years ago, I used to work for a boss who another colleague speculated intentionally let things get just enough crazy where the boss could swoop in and fix everything and be the hero, even though he was the one who, through questionable management choices, created the chaos in the first place. Who would realize that? He would be seen as the knight in shining armor, the rescuer of the day.
Frankly, it got tiring. Quickly.
I do realize that I, myself, seem to live within a certain need of drama and chaos. I don't necessarily go around intentionally creating it or specifically letting things get too kooky, but I can't deny that when there's drama in my life I'm more alive. Psychologists would have a field day with this, I'm sure. I admit it, I have a need for excitement and a desire for activity; a life where nothing really happens just isn't appealing. Some people like quiet and predictable, but apparently I need a little bit of chaos.
Yesterday was a bit too chaotic for me. Taken separately, the issue with #7 and the issue with the ex would have sufficiently filled my drama quota for the day. Probably for a couple of days, actually. But when taken together, it almost made me wish I had a prescription for Xanax. Fortunately, I did have a 6 pack of Shock Top Honey Applecrisp Wheat in the refrigerator with only one missing.
I vague-booked about the ex's request, the commission to transcribe his piano nocturne. I eventually revealed the basics of the "difficult commission," and my friends seem to fall into one of two camps. They either got out their buckets of popcorn to watch the drama unfold, or they told me I was a total moron for taking the commission. Later I went back and said that it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be, and that I was actually enjoying the intellectual challenge.
As I blogged yesterday, the piece does have a great deal of sentimental value for me. But, I wrote that post before I brought myself to listen to it again. Once I did, I knew things were different. The music still has sentimental value and the whole scenario around it still brings fond memories and warm feelings, but it no longer has the deep, strong emotional handcuff around my heart that it once did. I was able to jump into the project without any complications. Yes, I did have a beer next to me continuously, but that was a reflection of the actual difficult task of splicing out the music from a bad quality recording and making into a structured form that which was largely improvised, along with the harmonic complexities of a neo-romantic composer.
I feel like I have conquered a big demon from my past, tied to D. I can face those special things and not be undone. When he asked me to do it, he worried greatly about "causing me issues." Long before I knew for certain I could do what he asked, I told him to not worry about "causing me issues." I'm glad he cares enough to want to be cautious around me, but I'm thinking more and more both of us need to stop walking on eggshells around the other. In spite of carefully-worded text messages, it is clear we both still feel very fondly for the other.
So as it stands now, #7 is gone, much to my relief. The latest drama with D is very, very manageable and really isn't drama. I have date #2 set up with #6 tomorrow at 11:30. And I really should be focusing on things like sufficient income for the fall rather than obsessing over my comical love life.
And so begins another day in the dramatic life of me.
Frankly, it got tiring. Quickly.
I do realize that I, myself, seem to live within a certain need of drama and chaos. I don't necessarily go around intentionally creating it or specifically letting things get too kooky, but I can't deny that when there's drama in my life I'm more alive. Psychologists would have a field day with this, I'm sure. I admit it, I have a need for excitement and a desire for activity; a life where nothing really happens just isn't appealing. Some people like quiet and predictable, but apparently I need a little bit of chaos.
Yesterday was a bit too chaotic for me. Taken separately, the issue with #7 and the issue with the ex would have sufficiently filled my drama quota for the day. Probably for a couple of days, actually. But when taken together, it almost made me wish I had a prescription for Xanax. Fortunately, I did have a 6 pack of Shock Top Honey Applecrisp Wheat in the refrigerator with only one missing.
I vague-booked about the ex's request, the commission to transcribe his piano nocturne. I eventually revealed the basics of the "difficult commission," and my friends seem to fall into one of two camps. They either got out their buckets of popcorn to watch the drama unfold, or they told me I was a total moron for taking the commission. Later I went back and said that it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be, and that I was actually enjoying the intellectual challenge.
As I blogged yesterday, the piece does have a great deal of sentimental value for me. But, I wrote that post before I brought myself to listen to it again. Once I did, I knew things were different. The music still has sentimental value and the whole scenario around it still brings fond memories and warm feelings, but it no longer has the deep, strong emotional handcuff around my heart that it once did. I was able to jump into the project without any complications. Yes, I did have a beer next to me continuously, but that was a reflection of the actual difficult task of splicing out the music from a bad quality recording and making into a structured form that which was largely improvised, along with the harmonic complexities of a neo-romantic composer.
I feel like I have conquered a big demon from my past, tied to D. I can face those special things and not be undone. When he asked me to do it, he worried greatly about "causing me issues." Long before I knew for certain I could do what he asked, I told him to not worry about "causing me issues." I'm glad he cares enough to want to be cautious around me, but I'm thinking more and more both of us need to stop walking on eggshells around the other. In spite of carefully-worded text messages, it is clear we both still feel very fondly for the other.
So as it stands now, #7 is gone, much to my relief. The latest drama with D is very, very manageable and really isn't drama. I have date #2 set up with #6 tomorrow at 11:30. And I really should be focusing on things like sufficient income for the fall rather than obsessing over my comical love life.
And so begins another day in the dramatic life of me.
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