Like a Fart in a Thunderstorm
Years ago, maybe 20 or so, I read a statistic that said that the more education a woman had, the less likely she was to ever find a fulfilling relationship. Actually, I believe it said she was less likely to get married, but same difference, really. Ever since I read that, I've lived in fear of it. I always hoped I'd be an exception, that somewhere there was a guy who wouldn't be threatened by my degrees and successes. I thought because "Larry's" attraction required intellectual compatibility, he might actually be one of those guys.
Nope.
On Saturday, I met up with him and a dozen or so of his friends at a party for one of their birthdays. Apparently, this was quite a Big Deal, as he had never before brought a woman around to his friends. I could tell he was a little bit on the fringe of the friends, but I'd been warned they were all extroverts and neither of us were. So I get it. I began to connect with his friends and have a good time. When he was around me, he was very close, in my space, public displays of affection.
He also said we'd been dating "about a month" when it had only been 2 weeks. Eh.
As the party moved on to more of a dive bar, everyone was having a good time. He leaned into me so we could pick some music for the jukebox off of his app, and he was going through closing apps to get to it.
One of the apps he closed was Tinder.
That's right: while I had been hanging with his friends, when he went out to smoke he was swiping through Tinder.
I called him out on it. "Yeah, we haven't had this conversation yet." Clearly not, Captain Obvious. "I just don't know what I want." "I feel bad when I'm doing it." Well, apparently not bad enough. His friends saw I was upset, and I was ready to keep it between us and make a quiet exit. They saw things differently. I was immediately whisked away by the girls, who circled the wagons around me. One, as she was pulling me away, whispered in my ear "you're dodging a bullet, I hope you know that."
A couple took turns talking to him about WTF was going on. The answers were the same. I was an opera singer, well-educated. I "had my shit together". He "didn't know what he wanted", but was sure I was "more into him than he was into me" -- which apparently was true, given the circumstances. I was crying, he was crying. "Can we still be friends?" Maybe.
The whole time I was there, he was clearly treating me like a girlfriend. Hell, he'd spent the previous night at my house. And in secret, he was still active on Tinder.
The next day, one of those friends -- the same one who told me I was dodging a bullet -- called me to invite me to a BBQ and pool party. Unfortunately I had to work, but we agreed that we all needed to hang out together again, sans "the douche bag". Now in all fairness, this person was someone who Larry couldn't ever remember their name, so they weren't exactly close. However, as I've said, he also tends to be on the fringe of the circle, too. His guy friends think he's a great guy and was glad he'd met a good woman. His girl friends hold slightly different opinions.
I understand his reasons to an extent. We hadn't gotten to the point where we'd aired our historical dirty laundry, but I knew enough to know he'd recently gone through some hard times. I've been there, too, but I never got the chance to let him in. Had I been given that chance, he would have known about the mistakes that cost me my career and a chunk of my reputation. He would know why I'm no longer on the roster of the group that I'm Grammy-nominated with. He would know I'm a master of facades. But I never got that chance.
I think in part I was pushed away before he could get too close. It was the safe thing to do. I also think between his issues with alcohol and the fact he really doesn't love himself, he's not capable of a healthy relationship. He didn't see one growing up. His whole life has been a big search for the next thing, and I doubt he's likely to change.
So where does this leave me? Confused about my emotions. Hurt. Sad. Angry. I want to be alone and yet I don't. I struggle to put on a smile most of the time. I don't want to drink and yet I want the sweet oblivion of drunkenness. I'm lonely and yet I can't bring myself to download Tinder again.
A guy who ghosted me earlier started messaging again on Google Hangouts, so I've been chatting with him. However, I'm starting to get some serious scammer vibes. There's just something not quite right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but all I see are red flags -- including the fact that the first time he ghosted me was shortly after I told him I'd been catfished before. So I've called him out, and he's gotten a little defensive. I replied, but we'll see what happens from here. I flat out told him I think it's odd that he says he "thinks about me all the time and wishes he could talk to me all day" but hasn't asked for my phone number or to meet. SERIOUS red flags.
I'm tired. Tired of the shit, the games, of grown ass men acting like 13 year olds around women. Of men who clearly haven't learned from their mistakes, and who prey upon the emotions of lonely women. Of men who can't communicate their needs and their issues, who open themselves up to maximum sexual vulnerability but can't state the most basic concerns about a developing relationship.
Maybe I really am meant to be single forever.
Nope.
On Saturday, I met up with him and a dozen or so of his friends at a party for one of their birthdays. Apparently, this was quite a Big Deal, as he had never before brought a woman around to his friends. I could tell he was a little bit on the fringe of the friends, but I'd been warned they were all extroverts and neither of us were. So I get it. I began to connect with his friends and have a good time. When he was around me, he was very close, in my space, public displays of affection.
He also said we'd been dating "about a month" when it had only been 2 weeks. Eh.
As the party moved on to more of a dive bar, everyone was having a good time. He leaned into me so we could pick some music for the jukebox off of his app, and he was going through closing apps to get to it.
One of the apps he closed was Tinder.
That's right: while I had been hanging with his friends, when he went out to smoke he was swiping through Tinder.
I called him out on it. "Yeah, we haven't had this conversation yet." Clearly not, Captain Obvious. "I just don't know what I want." "I feel bad when I'm doing it." Well, apparently not bad enough. His friends saw I was upset, and I was ready to keep it between us and make a quiet exit. They saw things differently. I was immediately whisked away by the girls, who circled the wagons around me. One, as she was pulling me away, whispered in my ear "you're dodging a bullet, I hope you know that."
A couple took turns talking to him about WTF was going on. The answers were the same. I was an opera singer, well-educated. I "had my shit together". He "didn't know what he wanted", but was sure I was "more into him than he was into me" -- which apparently was true, given the circumstances. I was crying, he was crying. "Can we still be friends?" Maybe.
The whole time I was there, he was clearly treating me like a girlfriend. Hell, he'd spent the previous night at my house. And in secret, he was still active on Tinder.
The next day, one of those friends -- the same one who told me I was dodging a bullet -- called me to invite me to a BBQ and pool party. Unfortunately I had to work, but we agreed that we all needed to hang out together again, sans "the douche bag". Now in all fairness, this person was someone who Larry couldn't ever remember their name, so they weren't exactly close. However, as I've said, he also tends to be on the fringe of the circle, too. His guy friends think he's a great guy and was glad he'd met a good woman. His girl friends hold slightly different opinions.
I understand his reasons to an extent. We hadn't gotten to the point where we'd aired our historical dirty laundry, but I knew enough to know he'd recently gone through some hard times. I've been there, too, but I never got the chance to let him in. Had I been given that chance, he would have known about the mistakes that cost me my career and a chunk of my reputation. He would know why I'm no longer on the roster of the group that I'm Grammy-nominated with. He would know I'm a master of facades. But I never got that chance.
I think in part I was pushed away before he could get too close. It was the safe thing to do. I also think between his issues with alcohol and the fact he really doesn't love himself, he's not capable of a healthy relationship. He didn't see one growing up. His whole life has been a big search for the next thing, and I doubt he's likely to change.
So where does this leave me? Confused about my emotions. Hurt. Sad. Angry. I want to be alone and yet I don't. I struggle to put on a smile most of the time. I don't want to drink and yet I want the sweet oblivion of drunkenness. I'm lonely and yet I can't bring myself to download Tinder again.
A guy who ghosted me earlier started messaging again on Google Hangouts, so I've been chatting with him. However, I'm starting to get some serious scammer vibes. There's just something not quite right. I can't quite put my finger on it, but all I see are red flags -- including the fact that the first time he ghosted me was shortly after I told him I'd been catfished before. So I've called him out, and he's gotten a little defensive. I replied, but we'll see what happens from here. I flat out told him I think it's odd that he says he "thinks about me all the time and wishes he could talk to me all day" but hasn't asked for my phone number or to meet. SERIOUS red flags.
I'm tired. Tired of the shit, the games, of grown ass men acting like 13 year olds around women. Of men who clearly haven't learned from their mistakes, and who prey upon the emotions of lonely women. Of men who can't communicate their needs and their issues, who open themselves up to maximum sexual vulnerability but can't state the most basic concerns about a developing relationship.
Maybe I really am meant to be single forever.
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