Some Days
It is almost 10:00 at night on the Fourth of July, and I can hear around my apartment the rapid-fire explosions of multiple firework shows. Given that the summer days are getting longer, it hasn't been dark enough, really, all that long for a show. But rain is in the forecast. From my third story vantage, I can barely make out a few colored flares of light from my north-facing bedroom window. Any other firework shows are obscured by trees and buildings.
I am in bed, waiting for the blissful peace of slumber to draw me into its depths.
For many people, days like today are fun and festive. Family gathers, the barbecue grill is fired up, and children squeal with the snap! of a firecracker. Pies are celebrated, and somewhere a local band is playing Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever", where I can assure you the piccolos are out of tune yet no one cares because they are decked out in their red, white, and blue and everyone is simply enjoying the live music.
For some reason, today has hit me with a particular melancholy. My normal distractions of Facebook and Hulu haven't helped. My news feed on Facebook is full of happy couples and families posting their meals and firework displays. One of my friends got engaged today. The show I'm currently watching on Hulu, "The Titan Games," even there I cannot escape the sight of happy couples. You wouldn't expect one of those shows about Herculean physical feats and agility to remind someone of how single they are, but each winner was shown kissing their girlfriend or boyfriend (in the two episodes I watched tonight, no one seemed to be married) and being told how much they were loved.
Yesterday I was chatting with two gentlemen and had dinner with a third. One of those gentlemen is nothing more than an acquaintance, but the conversation was quite pleasant and a welcome distraction from everything else. One gentleman is someone who allegedly wants to be more involved with me but I'm still getting a few red flags. And the gentleman I had dinner with isn't anyone I want to date (again, we tried before) but still, I was out in pleasant enough company.
Today has largely been silent.
I did hear from the pseudo-red flag gentleman a couple of times. Good morning, and then a later morning check-in which I didn't get until afternoon because I was working. There's been no reply. He says his connection is not always great. Could be plausible, could be b.s.; I don't know. I'm sure I'll hear from him tomorrow.
I did not hear from the dinner gentleman, which both surprises and doesn't surprise me. Even though I have no interest in dating him, somehow having that person who was always messaging was a nice reminder that there was someone who found me attractive enough to pursue. Even when his messages would make me roll my eyes at their frequency and monothematic repetitiveness, there was still an educated, articulate man who wanted my company.
Some days you're the pigeon. And some days, you're the statue.
Today, I very much feel like a statue. I'm not saying that anyone has crapped on me or anything like that. I just feel very blue, and very alone. Typical holiday feelings, really. Aside from Thanksgiving, I generally spend every holiday alone. Most all of my friends are coupled off or at least have kids, and I'm a third wheel. Even holidays like the Fourth of July are hard on single people.
Soon I will sleep. Hopefully I will not have any of the weird dreams that sometimes come with my insomnia medication. Tomorrow will be another day. I will get up, make breakfast, hopefully have time to pack my lunch, and go to work. I will come home, make dinner, and probably putz around on Facebook, Hulu, and some of the games I play. Maybe I will chat with the gentleman who is currently in California. Maybe someone else will reach out. Maybe I will just relax on the couch with my skinny cat Zen, the only consistent male in my life (who is currently snoozing on the pillow next to me) while Delilah sticks her butt in my face seeking attention.
Some days are good. Some days are rough. Today is rough. Tomorrow remains to be seen.
I am in bed, waiting for the blissful peace of slumber to draw me into its depths.
For many people, days like today are fun and festive. Family gathers, the barbecue grill is fired up, and children squeal with the snap! of a firecracker. Pies are celebrated, and somewhere a local band is playing Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever", where I can assure you the piccolos are out of tune yet no one cares because they are decked out in their red, white, and blue and everyone is simply enjoying the live music.
For some reason, today has hit me with a particular melancholy. My normal distractions of Facebook and Hulu haven't helped. My news feed on Facebook is full of happy couples and families posting their meals and firework displays. One of my friends got engaged today. The show I'm currently watching on Hulu, "The Titan Games," even there I cannot escape the sight of happy couples. You wouldn't expect one of those shows about Herculean physical feats and agility to remind someone of how single they are, but each winner was shown kissing their girlfriend or boyfriend (in the two episodes I watched tonight, no one seemed to be married) and being told how much they were loved.
Yesterday I was chatting with two gentlemen and had dinner with a third. One of those gentlemen is nothing more than an acquaintance, but the conversation was quite pleasant and a welcome distraction from everything else. One gentleman is someone who allegedly wants to be more involved with me but I'm still getting a few red flags. And the gentleman I had dinner with isn't anyone I want to date (again, we tried before) but still, I was out in pleasant enough company.
Today has largely been silent.
I did hear from the pseudo-red flag gentleman a couple of times. Good morning, and then a later morning check-in which I didn't get until afternoon because I was working. There's been no reply. He says his connection is not always great. Could be plausible, could be b.s.; I don't know. I'm sure I'll hear from him tomorrow.
I did not hear from the dinner gentleman, which both surprises and doesn't surprise me. Even though I have no interest in dating him, somehow having that person who was always messaging was a nice reminder that there was someone who found me attractive enough to pursue. Even when his messages would make me roll my eyes at their frequency and monothematic repetitiveness, there was still an educated, articulate man who wanted my company.
Some days you're the pigeon. And some days, you're the statue.
Today, I very much feel like a statue. I'm not saying that anyone has crapped on me or anything like that. I just feel very blue, and very alone. Typical holiday feelings, really. Aside from Thanksgiving, I generally spend every holiday alone. Most all of my friends are coupled off or at least have kids, and I'm a third wheel. Even holidays like the Fourth of July are hard on single people.
Soon I will sleep. Hopefully I will not have any of the weird dreams that sometimes come with my insomnia medication. Tomorrow will be another day. I will get up, make breakfast, hopefully have time to pack my lunch, and go to work. I will come home, make dinner, and probably putz around on Facebook, Hulu, and some of the games I play. Maybe I will chat with the gentleman who is currently in California. Maybe someone else will reach out. Maybe I will just relax on the couch with my skinny cat Zen, the only consistent male in my life (who is currently snoozing on the pillow next to me) while Delilah sticks her butt in my face seeking attention.
Some days are good. Some days are rough. Today is rough. Tomorrow remains to be seen.
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