Dear Guys: About That Profile...
Today's blog post isn't a recap of a date. I know, you're shocked since it's been a whole 15 hours since I got home from my last date, but a girl's gotta sleep and work at some point... LOL! Today I'm doing a bit of a retrospective and commentary on that infamous vehicle of the first impression: the profile.
This isn't my first time doing the online dating thing. It isn't even my second. It's my third. Third time's the charm? Strike three? We'll soon see. But it also means I've been around the block a couple of times, and like most women, I have my opinions. Having read hundreds of profiles, here are some thoughts and, shall we say, loving suggestions.
1. Use the space. The "about me" section is where you get to really sell yourself, guys, and tell us ladies all about you. It is where we can get an idea of your personality, and what you like to do -- that which comes to your mind when you are writing your profiles is going to tell us more about you than what you check on the myriads of lists of "things I enjoy." So if your "about me" section is all of 5 sentences, that's not saying very much unless you compose sentences like Charles Dickens. I understand many of us don't like to talk about ourselves, but at some point you have to get over it. You're on a dating site, for crying out loud. On the flip side, just because you are given 3,000 words doesn't mean you have to use all 3,000 of them.
2. Save the baggage for later. We all have baggage. ALL of us. Don't air your dirty laundry in your profile; it just makes you look like you aren't really ready to be back on the dating scene. I'm sorry your marriage or last serious relationship ended because your wife/girlfriend cheated on you. You don't need to use your profile as a therapeutic purging tool, though. I seriously doubt anyone joins a serious dating site because they want to be in a relationship with someone who can't be faithful. There are plenty of "hook up" sites out there -- most of which are free. If we're plunking down some cash every month to be a member of a dating site, chances are good we're looking for something real as well.
3. Get a decent picture. I'm not saying you should run down to the mall and sit for some Glamour Shots, or even upload that last business pic you had taken for your employer's website. However, find a picture of you that is taken in decent lighting and at a good (albeit flattering) angle. If the connection progresses, we're going to see what you really look like anyway once we meet. And on the subject of pictures, a few other thoughts.
- If you are going to upload pictures of you and several buddies, you might want to put in the caption which one is you, especially if all of you share similar features (dark hair & eyes, for example).
- I don't know many single women who like seeing pictures of potential dates surrounded by beautiful women (e.g., professional cheerleaders), so save that one for later.
- If all of your pictures are taken at the same place, from the same angle, featuring the same facial expression, one or two is plenty.
- While it can be nice to see pictures of your cat/dog, favorite fishing hole, and your hometown, we're not looking to date your cat/dog, favorite fishing hole, or hometown. We're looking to date you. So if 12 of your 14 pictures are of things other than you, either put up more that are of you, or take down some of the ones that aren't.
4. Grammar & spelling matter. There is a difference between your and you're. There is also a difference between there, their, and they're. If you are an educated person seeking another educated person, spend a little time on your profile making sure your grammar and spelling are good. We're not expecting perfection, but let's save the texting shortcuts for, oh, when we're actually texting. If you aren't sure about your grammar and/or spelling, compose your ditty in Word, run a check, then copy & paste into your profile.
5. Let us know what you are seeking. It frustrates me a little when I look at the portion of a guy's profile where they can say what they are looking for in a date, and they've listed nothing. This section covers everything from height to body type to hair color to religion to views on children. I understand you want to keep as many options open as possible, but we're also human. We know what we find attractive. Opening yourself up to possible dates that are "big and beautiful" or "slender" when you don't find that attractive is just wasting people's time. If you are allergic to cats or cigarette smoke, then you need to mark the appropriate boxes.
6. Be honest. Yes, we are all trying to set ourselves up in the best possible light, marketing ourselves out there in this modern day version of the bird with the brightest plumage who has built the best nest. But it is a fine line between making a great profile, and one that sells you as someone you aren't. The biggest pitfall is the infamous self-description of body type. I find it very telling that on this particular site, men have 5 or 6 options while women have twice as many. I personally struggle with how I should describe myself; having gone through (and still working on) a significant weight loss which has left me with a little body dysmorphia. But I am finding men are more willing to list themselves in a flattering light than women. I've seen more than one profile where a guy listed himself as "average" or "a few extra pounds" when really they honestly were "overweight." I'm not being mean. Had I gone on this site prior to my 80 pound weight loss, I'd list myself as "big and beautiful" or "overweight."
7. Have a friend you trust -- opposite sex -- read your profile, and allow them to be honest. We all have opposite sex, platonic friends who we can trust to give us input on what we've written and the pictures we've chosen. Ask them to read over your profile, and don't get upset when they point out mistakes or say it doesn't really sound like you. They're your friends, and I'm sure they want to see you happy. They also know you won't be happy if you are meeting lots of women on false principles, and going from one first date to another with no repeats.
8. Most women don't find overt jealousy appealing. As long as a woman's profile is active on a dating website, she is probably not in a serious relationship. She's probably communicating with more than one guy, and most likely going out on a few dates. We've got to sort through our frogs to find our prince. Don't be offended or take it too personally when she says she has a date lined up for Friday night and it isn't you -- especially if you haven't actually asked her out yet. She's still talking to you, so you are still in the game. Relax and have fun. A little playful jealousy can make a woman feel flattered; overt jealousy makes her feel stalked.
9. Your profile is never set in stone. You can always make changes. As I've been going out on a few dates, I've been going back and updating or tweaking my profile as I realize things about me that I haven't listed. For example, after my first date on this site, I realized I needed to say somewhere that I am a fairly strong personality. So use your own dating experiences to keep refining your profile!
Good luck -- there are lots of options out there!!
This isn't my first time doing the online dating thing. It isn't even my second. It's my third. Third time's the charm? Strike three? We'll soon see. But it also means I've been around the block a couple of times, and like most women, I have my opinions. Having read hundreds of profiles, here are some thoughts and, shall we say, loving suggestions.
1. Use the space. The "about me" section is where you get to really sell yourself, guys, and tell us ladies all about you. It is where we can get an idea of your personality, and what you like to do -- that which comes to your mind when you are writing your profiles is going to tell us more about you than what you check on the myriads of lists of "things I enjoy." So if your "about me" section is all of 5 sentences, that's not saying very much unless you compose sentences like Charles Dickens. I understand many of us don't like to talk about ourselves, but at some point you have to get over it. You're on a dating site, for crying out loud. On the flip side, just because you are given 3,000 words doesn't mean you have to use all 3,000 of them.
2. Save the baggage for later. We all have baggage. ALL of us. Don't air your dirty laundry in your profile; it just makes you look like you aren't really ready to be back on the dating scene. I'm sorry your marriage or last serious relationship ended because your wife/girlfriend cheated on you. You don't need to use your profile as a therapeutic purging tool, though. I seriously doubt anyone joins a serious dating site because they want to be in a relationship with someone who can't be faithful. There are plenty of "hook up" sites out there -- most of which are free. If we're plunking down some cash every month to be a member of a dating site, chances are good we're looking for something real as well.
3. Get a decent picture. I'm not saying you should run down to the mall and sit for some Glamour Shots, or even upload that last business pic you had taken for your employer's website. However, find a picture of you that is taken in decent lighting and at a good (albeit flattering) angle. If the connection progresses, we're going to see what you really look like anyway once we meet. And on the subject of pictures, a few other thoughts.
- If you are going to upload pictures of you and several buddies, you might want to put in the caption which one is you, especially if all of you share similar features (dark hair & eyes, for example).
- I don't know many single women who like seeing pictures of potential dates surrounded by beautiful women (e.g., professional cheerleaders), so save that one for later.
- If all of your pictures are taken at the same place, from the same angle, featuring the same facial expression, one or two is plenty.
- While it can be nice to see pictures of your cat/dog, favorite fishing hole, and your hometown, we're not looking to date your cat/dog, favorite fishing hole, or hometown. We're looking to date you. So if 12 of your 14 pictures are of things other than you, either put up more that are of you, or take down some of the ones that aren't.
4. Grammar & spelling matter. There is a difference between your and you're. There is also a difference between there, their, and they're. If you are an educated person seeking another educated person, spend a little time on your profile making sure your grammar and spelling are good. We're not expecting perfection, but let's save the texting shortcuts for, oh, when we're actually texting. If you aren't sure about your grammar and/or spelling, compose your ditty in Word, run a check, then copy & paste into your profile.
5. Let us know what you are seeking. It frustrates me a little when I look at the portion of a guy's profile where they can say what they are looking for in a date, and they've listed nothing. This section covers everything from height to body type to hair color to religion to views on children. I understand you want to keep as many options open as possible, but we're also human. We know what we find attractive. Opening yourself up to possible dates that are "big and beautiful" or "slender" when you don't find that attractive is just wasting people's time. If you are allergic to cats or cigarette smoke, then you need to mark the appropriate boxes.
6. Be honest. Yes, we are all trying to set ourselves up in the best possible light, marketing ourselves out there in this modern day version of the bird with the brightest plumage who has built the best nest. But it is a fine line between making a great profile, and one that sells you as someone you aren't. The biggest pitfall is the infamous self-description of body type. I find it very telling that on this particular site, men have 5 or 6 options while women have twice as many. I personally struggle with how I should describe myself; having gone through (and still working on) a significant weight loss which has left me with a little body dysmorphia. But I am finding men are more willing to list themselves in a flattering light than women. I've seen more than one profile where a guy listed himself as "average" or "a few extra pounds" when really they honestly were "overweight." I'm not being mean. Had I gone on this site prior to my 80 pound weight loss, I'd list myself as "big and beautiful" or "overweight."
7. Have a friend you trust -- opposite sex -- read your profile, and allow them to be honest. We all have opposite sex, platonic friends who we can trust to give us input on what we've written and the pictures we've chosen. Ask them to read over your profile, and don't get upset when they point out mistakes or say it doesn't really sound like you. They're your friends, and I'm sure they want to see you happy. They also know you won't be happy if you are meeting lots of women on false principles, and going from one first date to another with no repeats.
8. Most women don't find overt jealousy appealing. As long as a woman's profile is active on a dating website, she is probably not in a serious relationship. She's probably communicating with more than one guy, and most likely going out on a few dates. We've got to sort through our frogs to find our prince. Don't be offended or take it too personally when she says she has a date lined up for Friday night and it isn't you -- especially if you haven't actually asked her out yet. She's still talking to you, so you are still in the game. Relax and have fun. A little playful jealousy can make a woman feel flattered; overt jealousy makes her feel stalked.
9. Your profile is never set in stone. You can always make changes. As I've been going out on a few dates, I've been going back and updating or tweaking my profile as I realize things about me that I haven't listed. For example, after my first date on this site, I realized I needed to say somewhere that I am a fairly strong personality. So use your own dating experiences to keep refining your profile!
Good luck -- there are lots of options out there!!
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