Double-Edged Swords
Right now, I'm dealing with two double-edged swords, things that are so pro/con they balance each other out. One is about my depression recovery, the other... well, technically about the same thing, but it's about dating again.
When I was teaching collegiate Vocal Pedagogy, in my lecture about vocal hygiene and medications, I used a one-panel cartoon to comically illustrate a very serious point. In it, a lady is standing at a pharmacy window. On the counter in front of her are twenty or so pill bottles, and the pharmacist is pointing at them saying, "and this one is for the side effects caused by this, and this is for the side effects caused by that..." Modern chemistry has certainly made our lives better through drug therapies, but at what costs?
I've blogged before about one unpleasant and new-to-me side effect of the upped dosage of Wellbutrin: the excessive sweating. In the past week, a second one has developed. Externally, it is very difficult to see. Internally, I kind of feel like hell. The Wellbutrin has given me great energy. I can't remember ever feeling this energetic, for lack of a better word. Last week I taught 17 fitness classes over 6 days. While I didn't actually work out with 4 of them, I did do the other 13. The break-down: 7 yoga classes, 5 Zumba classes, 2 kickboxing with bags & core, 2 circuit/boot camp classes, and a Mommy & Me class. While my muscles certainly let me know they were getting worked more than usual, I never struggled for sufficient energy. Granted, I was generally fueling myself well and getting enough sleep, but my 5 Zumba classes came over 42 hours.
Yes, 5 Zumba classes in less than 2 days.
I've done that once before and thought I was going to die. Not this time, and it's not because I'm in better shape. It's because I have more energy thanks to the Wellbutrin. I've also been much, much more focused and productive in the office and at other tasks. Again, I credit the Wellbutrin.
The flip side, though, is another side effect. According to the patient literature and websites, "shaking/tremor" is a common side effect. I started noticing my hands, in particular my right hand and arm, were getting shaky about 3 or 4 days ago. Inside, it feels like I'm jittery, or that my blood sugar is crashing, that kind of shaky. In the evenings, it can be visible, but it is a very small tremor. With the jittery feeling is a slight increase in my anxiety.
Is it something that bothers me enough to change medications? When I weigh the pros of the Wellbutrin against these side effects, the pros are winning out. My mental state, and my mood, are certainly improved. And, I do like the increased energy and improved productivity at work - especially since this week I'll be doing two weeks worth to prep for my upcoming vacation.
Still, it's a double-edged sword, no doubt about it.
So now we turn to the dating sword. Oh goodness, dating. The last time I had my heart broken like this, recovery was a much more difficult process, but that was for two primary reasons. First, I'd been dumped without explanation, although all indicators were that it was all about me. Yes, he's a bit of an ass, but the reason I was dumped was, well, me. Secondly, I was also dealing with a chemically-induced major depressive episode in addition to the heart-wrenching aspects of the break-up. When I say chemically, I mean it was caused by something being added to my body, not my own chemicals going nutso. It took months for that to come under control, and only then could I really begin mending my heart.
This time around, the break-up was because of him. It was the "I love you and I thought I could do this, but I can't be in a relationship" break-up. The "there is no real reason I can give you" break-up. The "it's not you, it's me" break-up. The "I'm sure I'll regret this someday" break-up. Yes, those are direct quotes. They're supposed to make me feel better, but they actually raise more questions. If there's no reason for the break-up, why the break-up? If I was "the best thing that has ever happened to [him]," why the break-up? He truly loved me, and I him. It was still apparent in his eyes when we talked that Saturday almost a week after the split. So why the break-up? I could understand if he'd fallen out of love. I could understand other practical things, although we had agreed to talk about them and we never did, so I was never given a chance to make adjustments (if that were the case). We knew each other so well, yet we were still just getting to know each other, too. So much talk of the future, a future that is apparently not meant to be.
All rhetorical questions. There are no answers. None. If there were, I could write a book on it, and it would certainly become a best-seller, landing me on all the talk show circuits. But those answers just don't exist.
Here's where the sword comes in. Every day, I debate going back out on Match. I still have 3 or 4 months left of what I'd prepaid, so why not get my money's worth? Dating someone new would help me move along from D. It would give me something new to focus on, move my heart in another direction. All positives! Then the other side of my brain kicks in. Is it too soon? I do still love D in many ways. Would dating someone new signal I was "over" him even though honestly I'm not? Could I even allow my heart to be handled by another?
You hear these stories all the time about people who were in love and yet it didn't work out, and they ended up marrying other people. I now wonder, do they really love their spouses? Did they ever stop loving that original person? Are their hearts conflicted?
It's only been 3 weeks since the break-up. Granted, they have felt like 3 of the longest weeks ever, but it has only been 3 weeks. It's been only 8 days since we last communicated. We agreed to be friends - eventually. Our last communication was that of friends, not awkward exes. And after the break-up with The Ex, I know a lot about awkward ex texts. Oh, do I ever.
Still, 3 weeks. Barely enough time to process something so unexpected. Am I rebounding too soon? I get it in my head that yes, I should reactivate my Match account. Then I get near a computer where I could actually do so, and the doubts overwhelm me and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm probably not ready, all things considered. The vacillating is causing me almost as much anxiety as the Wellbutrin, which certainly isn't helping a damn thing.
I just need to make it through this week. A week from today, I leave on vacation. It will be my first real vacation - no gigs, no singing, no presentations, no way to "write it off" on my taxes - since 2005, I believe. Maybe 2006. That's 8 or 9 long years. I'll be up visiting my good friend M, who has also been called on this blog "my yenta." She recently went through a similar break-up, although he broke up with her via text so he could reconcile with his ex-wife. They'd been dating a little longer than D and I, too. The clear reason balances out the length of the relationship, in my opinion. She is now dating a new guy; she only told me of him a couple days ago out of sensitivity for my situation. Still, it will be a "girls week." Baseball games, booze, a day at the lake, and I'm sure we'll go out dancing one evening.
Sidebar: yes, I'm back on booze. I had a low carb margarita yesterday while having lunch with a girlfriend. It was delicious. But, I'm still not drinking alone. I know my personal limits and demons.
Back to the vacation. A week away. A week out of Dodge. I will come back from that and be in town for 6 days before leaving again, this time to go to a conference. Well, it's more like church music camp for grown-ups, but it's official business nonetheless. I'll be gone for another week. When that is done, almost another month will have passed since this post. I know I'll be in a different place, at least I hope I will be. The two weeks I'll be gone are another reason for me to hesitate going back out on Match just yet.
A lot can happen in that time. And only time will tell.
When I was teaching collegiate Vocal Pedagogy, in my lecture about vocal hygiene and medications, I used a one-panel cartoon to comically illustrate a very serious point. In it, a lady is standing at a pharmacy window. On the counter in front of her are twenty or so pill bottles, and the pharmacist is pointing at them saying, "and this one is for the side effects caused by this, and this is for the side effects caused by that..." Modern chemistry has certainly made our lives better through drug therapies, but at what costs?
I've blogged before about one unpleasant and new-to-me side effect of the upped dosage of Wellbutrin: the excessive sweating. In the past week, a second one has developed. Externally, it is very difficult to see. Internally, I kind of feel like hell. The Wellbutrin has given me great energy. I can't remember ever feeling this energetic, for lack of a better word. Last week I taught 17 fitness classes over 6 days. While I didn't actually work out with 4 of them, I did do the other 13. The break-down: 7 yoga classes, 5 Zumba classes, 2 kickboxing with bags & core, 2 circuit/boot camp classes, and a Mommy & Me class. While my muscles certainly let me know they were getting worked more than usual, I never struggled for sufficient energy. Granted, I was generally fueling myself well and getting enough sleep, but my 5 Zumba classes came over 42 hours.
Yes, 5 Zumba classes in less than 2 days.
I've done that once before and thought I was going to die. Not this time, and it's not because I'm in better shape. It's because I have more energy thanks to the Wellbutrin. I've also been much, much more focused and productive in the office and at other tasks. Again, I credit the Wellbutrin.
The flip side, though, is another side effect. According to the patient literature and websites, "shaking/tremor" is a common side effect. I started noticing my hands, in particular my right hand and arm, were getting shaky about 3 or 4 days ago. Inside, it feels like I'm jittery, or that my blood sugar is crashing, that kind of shaky. In the evenings, it can be visible, but it is a very small tremor. With the jittery feeling is a slight increase in my anxiety.
Is it something that bothers me enough to change medications? When I weigh the pros of the Wellbutrin against these side effects, the pros are winning out. My mental state, and my mood, are certainly improved. And, I do like the increased energy and improved productivity at work - especially since this week I'll be doing two weeks worth to prep for my upcoming vacation.
Still, it's a double-edged sword, no doubt about it.
So now we turn to the dating sword. Oh goodness, dating. The last time I had my heart broken like this, recovery was a much more difficult process, but that was for two primary reasons. First, I'd been dumped without explanation, although all indicators were that it was all about me. Yes, he's a bit of an ass, but the reason I was dumped was, well, me. Secondly, I was also dealing with a chemically-induced major depressive episode in addition to the heart-wrenching aspects of the break-up. When I say chemically, I mean it was caused by something being added to my body, not my own chemicals going nutso. It took months for that to come under control, and only then could I really begin mending my heart.
This time around, the break-up was because of him. It was the "I love you and I thought I could do this, but I can't be in a relationship" break-up. The "there is no real reason I can give you" break-up. The "it's not you, it's me" break-up. The "I'm sure I'll regret this someday" break-up. Yes, those are direct quotes. They're supposed to make me feel better, but they actually raise more questions. If there's no reason for the break-up, why the break-up? If I was "the best thing that has ever happened to [him]," why the break-up? He truly loved me, and I him. It was still apparent in his eyes when we talked that Saturday almost a week after the split. So why the break-up? I could understand if he'd fallen out of love. I could understand other practical things, although we had agreed to talk about them and we never did, so I was never given a chance to make adjustments (if that were the case). We knew each other so well, yet we were still just getting to know each other, too. So much talk of the future, a future that is apparently not meant to be.
All rhetorical questions. There are no answers. None. If there were, I could write a book on it, and it would certainly become a best-seller, landing me on all the talk show circuits. But those answers just don't exist.
Here's where the sword comes in. Every day, I debate going back out on Match. I still have 3 or 4 months left of what I'd prepaid, so why not get my money's worth? Dating someone new would help me move along from D. It would give me something new to focus on, move my heart in another direction. All positives! Then the other side of my brain kicks in. Is it too soon? I do still love D in many ways. Would dating someone new signal I was "over" him even though honestly I'm not? Could I even allow my heart to be handled by another?
You hear these stories all the time about people who were in love and yet it didn't work out, and they ended up marrying other people. I now wonder, do they really love their spouses? Did they ever stop loving that original person? Are their hearts conflicted?
It's only been 3 weeks since the break-up. Granted, they have felt like 3 of the longest weeks ever, but it has only been 3 weeks. It's been only 8 days since we last communicated. We agreed to be friends - eventually. Our last communication was that of friends, not awkward exes. And after the break-up with The Ex, I know a lot about awkward ex texts. Oh, do I ever.
Still, 3 weeks. Barely enough time to process something so unexpected. Am I rebounding too soon? I get it in my head that yes, I should reactivate my Match account. Then I get near a computer where I could actually do so, and the doubts overwhelm me and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm probably not ready, all things considered. The vacillating is causing me almost as much anxiety as the Wellbutrin, which certainly isn't helping a damn thing.
I just need to make it through this week. A week from today, I leave on vacation. It will be my first real vacation - no gigs, no singing, no presentations, no way to "write it off" on my taxes - since 2005, I believe. Maybe 2006. That's 8 or 9 long years. I'll be up visiting my good friend M, who has also been called on this blog "my yenta." She recently went through a similar break-up, although he broke up with her via text so he could reconcile with his ex-wife. They'd been dating a little longer than D and I, too. The clear reason balances out the length of the relationship, in my opinion. She is now dating a new guy; she only told me of him a couple days ago out of sensitivity for my situation. Still, it will be a "girls week." Baseball games, booze, a day at the lake, and I'm sure we'll go out dancing one evening.
Sidebar: yes, I'm back on booze. I had a low carb margarita yesterday while having lunch with a girlfriend. It was delicious. But, I'm still not drinking alone. I know my personal limits and demons.
Back to the vacation. A week away. A week out of Dodge. I will come back from that and be in town for 6 days before leaving again, this time to go to a conference. Well, it's more like church music camp for grown-ups, but it's official business nonetheless. I'll be gone for another week. When that is done, almost another month will have passed since this post. I know I'll be in a different place, at least I hope I will be. The two weeks I'll be gone are another reason for me to hesitate going back out on Match just yet.
A lot can happen in that time. And only time will tell.
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