Time, Space, Texts, and Stigma
Any of my blog followers, and I do mean any, can tell you that time is my nemesis. I don't know where my impatience comes from. I grew up an only child who frequently had to entertain herself. I did that happily without video games or the Internet, using my imagination, books, and a couple good friends instead. I am someone who loves to cook, and the more complicated the meal, the better off I am since few things soothe me like making a wonderful stew that takes a good part of the day to cook. I often yearn for those days where I am only in the kitchen, and am thrilled when one of those days comes around usually at the beginning of fall.
Yet when it comes to giving people time, I am as impatient as that jerk tailgating everybody in the fast lane. I know it needs to be done, but damnit, I don't want to do it! Certainly 24, 48 hours is enough, right? It's not, and deep down I know that. Doesn't mean I'm any more patient, though.
We have yet to have a day where D and I have not exchanged text messages. I thought that was going to be yesterday, until 9:44 pm as I was just about to be taken under by the tons of sleep aids I'd swallowed. He texted, saying he'd just realized he still had one of my t-shirts. I replied, yes, and a bowl (which I had remembered much earlier but was willing to just let go. The t-shirt, though, has sentimental value to me outside of him, so yes, I want it back.). A couple more texts and it was determined sometime this weekend we will get those items from his house to mine.
This morning I texted him. I'd been planning to all along, and actually felt the exchange last night threw off my plan. Yep, right there we can see the problem -- "my plan." The text I sent said this:
"I'd like to share with you something not to add pressure to the brief moments we may see each other this weekend, but hopefully to make them a bit less awkward.
I've been doing a lot of reading on BPD. It's been very helpful to me. While I can never walk in your shoes, I have a better understanding of what you live with every day and why you did what you did. I hope you realize just how strong you really and truly are. I am amazed by it, and wish I had that strength during my own battles.
There's so much more I want to say to you, but now is not the time. I don't know if the time will ever come. Just know you have my support and friendship at the least.
We'll be in touch about my stuff. Have a great day."
Hey, no one said I send short messages.
Give him time. Give him space. I keep hearing those phrases over and over from friends, and I know they're right. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. There are times I miss him so badly I feel completely hollow inside. I want so desperately to reach out to him, see how he is doing. Is he happy? Is he also missing me? Does he regret breaking up with me? Does he regret even dating me, and the intimacies we shared? I want to hear his voice, listen to him work through compositions at the piano, and hold him tight, but at the same time I have a voicemail where I can hear his voice and an MP4 of a piece he was working on "for me," and I can't bring myself to listen to them yet.
Ultimately, I want him to know he is supported and cared for. Whether or not he feels dating me was "a mistake," (source: ambiguous text message) or if letting things move so fast was the mistake, or whether or not he regrets anything that happened, I don't. He is someone that I care for completely, whether he is my partner or just my friend. I have a feeling he could use a few more of those.
Almost 10 hours after I sent that text, I got a reply. I wasn't expecting one, but if I'm going to be honest, I had been hoping for one. If for no other reason, simply because it meant I had heard from him and he acknowledged my text. His reply:
"You're very sweet. Thank you. I think we should find a time this weekend to talk at whatever length we find necessary. This is not to get back together but to let us understand better. You are very special. I want good things for you. Talking with you would mean much to me. And maybe you can say what's on your mind. I will listen and talk about whatever."
I took my time replying, but in essence it said I would welcome such a conversation, told him it sounded like we both wanted the same things for the other person, and suggested Saturday afternoon. I've left the exact time and location up to him. I will admit, the line about not getting back together stung a bit, but it's also far too soon to really consider that - regardless of how impatient I might be.
I almost immediately messaged and/or texted the three ladies who have been most involved. One friend, who has had mixed feelings about this, is supportive but at the same time a bit cynical as to his motives. The second is simply wanting to be kept up-to-date, and the third I have yet to hear from, yet it is her take I'll be the most interested in. She's my second cousin once removed or some such nonsense, and we're not very close, yet we've chatted extensively about this situation via Facebook. As she put it, she's far enough away emotionally and geographically to give me a more unbiased opinion. Plus, she's been there, done that, literally. She's been great to bounce stuff off of and has been incredibly supportive.
However, not all the advice I'm getting from friends is so kind. Mention the bipolar, and suddenly people who don't know him are telling me to run away. Cut off all contact. Make him mail the t-shirt back to me. Change my locks. All this because they know someone who has BPD; therefore he is not to be trusted.
The truth is, he's a smart person who has taken charge of his health. He does most of the right things: he takes his meds as he is supposed to. He checks in with his doctor when things aren't feeling right. He quit smoking. He could cut back on some of the external stimulants/depressants, but so could I. He could eat a healthier diet and get more exercise, but who couldn't? Overall, he watches after his health better than many people I know. He is not a psychotic axe murderer. He doesn't go wacky if he misses one dose of his medications. He's not violent. My safety is not in jeopardy. Through and through, he's a great guy that you would never know had a mental illness unless we told you, or you knew what the arm tremor represented and you didn't assume it was something else neurological.
Having a mental illness doesn't make you a less-valuable member of society. In fact, researchers believe that many of the famous authors, composers, artists, and musicians over the centuries have been bipolar. Current research is finding a genetic link between artistic creativity, mood disorders (bipolar, MDD, etc), and alcohol abuse. (Okay, so the last part of that isn't a great thing, but it describes most of my colleagues.)
Hearing people who don't know him levy such harsh criticisms and make such firm yet negative comments makes me angry. It isn't just because I feel compelled to defend D, the person. I feel like I am standing up for everyone who has a mental illness of some sort. In 2005, 7 of the top 20 dispensed drugs were for psychological issues; the top two were antidepressants and number 4 was an anti-anxiety medication. While the Top 10 Prescribed Drugs in the US in 2011 reads like the Who's Who of pain killers, blood pressure meds, and antibiotics, #5 on the list of the drugs we spent the most money on is Abilify, followed by Seroquel at #6.
Abilify is an anti-psychotic. It is prescribed to people with bipolar and certain types of depression. Yes, it is ridiculously expensive, something like $400/month without insurance, but it still takes a hell of a lot of people taking it to reach $4.6 billion in sales in 2011. Yes, billion. In 2013, that jumped to $6.5 billion. Seroquel is another anti-psychotic drug prescribed to those with bipolar and schizophrenia. That racked up $4.4 billion in sales in 2011.
If you think $400/month for a drug is pricey, look up what many of the cancer drugs cost. Or the medications for people who have had transplants. $400/month can be cheap. If I didn't have a prescription plan, I'd be paying over $110/month for my generic Wellbutrin.
No two people who have a mental illness are alike. You can put 10 people with Major Depressive Disorder in a room, ask them about their treatment, and you'll get at least 15 different responses. What drugs did and didn't work, what therapy techniques helped or didn't help, what external/homeopathic things they benefitted from. One person may need an upper in the morning, a downer at night, and an additional stabilizer but no therapy. Another may need an upper and an anti-anxiety, plus one therapy technique like journaling. A third may need group therapy, Vitamin D, and a general mood stabilizer.
Apply this to bipolar, which is considerably more complex and complicated than MDD, and the answer increase exponentially. Knowing someone with BPD gives you only the tip of the iceberg. Just because I know D, and I've read up on BPD, doesn't mean I know how to handle anyone with BPD - including D. I understand better. I don't understand. No one can, except maybe the person living it, but that is unlikely. Let's face it, if I completely understood my MDD, I could avoid episodes and maybe even cure myself of it.
Hopefully, all this will make our weekend conversation easier. I doubt it will be easy, since I'm sure some difficult things as to why he felt the need to break up will be aired. Or maybe it will be the amicable closure I need so I can start to move on again.
After the right amount of time passes, of course.
Yet when it comes to giving people time, I am as impatient as that jerk tailgating everybody in the fast lane. I know it needs to be done, but damnit, I don't want to do it! Certainly 24, 48 hours is enough, right? It's not, and deep down I know that. Doesn't mean I'm any more patient, though.
We have yet to have a day where D and I have not exchanged text messages. I thought that was going to be yesterday, until 9:44 pm as I was just about to be taken under by the tons of sleep aids I'd swallowed. He texted, saying he'd just realized he still had one of my t-shirts. I replied, yes, and a bowl (which I had remembered much earlier but was willing to just let go. The t-shirt, though, has sentimental value to me outside of him, so yes, I want it back.). A couple more texts and it was determined sometime this weekend we will get those items from his house to mine.
This morning I texted him. I'd been planning to all along, and actually felt the exchange last night threw off my plan. Yep, right there we can see the problem -- "my plan." The text I sent said this:
"I'd like to share with you something not to add pressure to the brief moments we may see each other this weekend, but hopefully to make them a bit less awkward.
I've been doing a lot of reading on BPD. It's been very helpful to me. While I can never walk in your shoes, I have a better understanding of what you live with every day and why you did what you did. I hope you realize just how strong you really and truly are. I am amazed by it, and wish I had that strength during my own battles.
There's so much more I want to say to you, but now is not the time. I don't know if the time will ever come. Just know you have my support and friendship at the least.
We'll be in touch about my stuff. Have a great day."
Hey, no one said I send short messages.
Give him time. Give him space. I keep hearing those phrases over and over from friends, and I know they're right. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. There are times I miss him so badly I feel completely hollow inside. I want so desperately to reach out to him, see how he is doing. Is he happy? Is he also missing me? Does he regret breaking up with me? Does he regret even dating me, and the intimacies we shared? I want to hear his voice, listen to him work through compositions at the piano, and hold him tight, but at the same time I have a voicemail where I can hear his voice and an MP4 of a piece he was working on "for me," and I can't bring myself to listen to them yet.
Ultimately, I want him to know he is supported and cared for. Whether or not he feels dating me was "a mistake," (source: ambiguous text message) or if letting things move so fast was the mistake, or whether or not he regrets anything that happened, I don't. He is someone that I care for completely, whether he is my partner or just my friend. I have a feeling he could use a few more of those.
Almost 10 hours after I sent that text, I got a reply. I wasn't expecting one, but if I'm going to be honest, I had been hoping for one. If for no other reason, simply because it meant I had heard from him and he acknowledged my text. His reply:
"You're very sweet. Thank you. I think we should find a time this weekend to talk at whatever length we find necessary. This is not to get back together but to let us understand better. You are very special. I want good things for you. Talking with you would mean much to me. And maybe you can say what's on your mind. I will listen and talk about whatever."
I took my time replying, but in essence it said I would welcome such a conversation, told him it sounded like we both wanted the same things for the other person, and suggested Saturday afternoon. I've left the exact time and location up to him. I will admit, the line about not getting back together stung a bit, but it's also far too soon to really consider that - regardless of how impatient I might be.
I almost immediately messaged and/or texted the three ladies who have been most involved. One friend, who has had mixed feelings about this, is supportive but at the same time a bit cynical as to his motives. The second is simply wanting to be kept up-to-date, and the third I have yet to hear from, yet it is her take I'll be the most interested in. She's my second cousin once removed or some such nonsense, and we're not very close, yet we've chatted extensively about this situation via Facebook. As she put it, she's far enough away emotionally and geographically to give me a more unbiased opinion. Plus, she's been there, done that, literally. She's been great to bounce stuff off of and has been incredibly supportive.
However, not all the advice I'm getting from friends is so kind. Mention the bipolar, and suddenly people who don't know him are telling me to run away. Cut off all contact. Make him mail the t-shirt back to me. Change my locks. All this because they know someone who has BPD; therefore he is not to be trusted.
The truth is, he's a smart person who has taken charge of his health. He does most of the right things: he takes his meds as he is supposed to. He checks in with his doctor when things aren't feeling right. He quit smoking. He could cut back on some of the external stimulants/depressants, but so could I. He could eat a healthier diet and get more exercise, but who couldn't? Overall, he watches after his health better than many people I know. He is not a psychotic axe murderer. He doesn't go wacky if he misses one dose of his medications. He's not violent. My safety is not in jeopardy. Through and through, he's a great guy that you would never know had a mental illness unless we told you, or you knew what the arm tremor represented and you didn't assume it was something else neurological.
Having a mental illness doesn't make you a less-valuable member of society. In fact, researchers believe that many of the famous authors, composers, artists, and musicians over the centuries have been bipolar. Current research is finding a genetic link between artistic creativity, mood disorders (bipolar, MDD, etc), and alcohol abuse. (Okay, so the last part of that isn't a great thing, but it describes most of my colleagues.)
Hearing people who don't know him levy such harsh criticisms and make such firm yet negative comments makes me angry. It isn't just because I feel compelled to defend D, the person. I feel like I am standing up for everyone who has a mental illness of some sort. In 2005, 7 of the top 20 dispensed drugs were for psychological issues; the top two were antidepressants and number 4 was an anti-anxiety medication. While the Top 10 Prescribed Drugs in the US in 2011 reads like the Who's Who of pain killers, blood pressure meds, and antibiotics, #5 on the list of the drugs we spent the most money on is Abilify, followed by Seroquel at #6.
Abilify is an anti-psychotic. It is prescribed to people with bipolar and certain types of depression. Yes, it is ridiculously expensive, something like $400/month without insurance, but it still takes a hell of a lot of people taking it to reach $4.6 billion in sales in 2011. Yes, billion. In 2013, that jumped to $6.5 billion. Seroquel is another anti-psychotic drug prescribed to those with bipolar and schizophrenia. That racked up $4.4 billion in sales in 2011.
If you think $400/month for a drug is pricey, look up what many of the cancer drugs cost. Or the medications for people who have had transplants. $400/month can be cheap. If I didn't have a prescription plan, I'd be paying over $110/month for my generic Wellbutrin.
No two people who have a mental illness are alike. You can put 10 people with Major Depressive Disorder in a room, ask them about their treatment, and you'll get at least 15 different responses. What drugs did and didn't work, what therapy techniques helped or didn't help, what external/homeopathic things they benefitted from. One person may need an upper in the morning, a downer at night, and an additional stabilizer but no therapy. Another may need an upper and an anti-anxiety, plus one therapy technique like journaling. A third may need group therapy, Vitamin D, and a general mood stabilizer.
Apply this to bipolar, which is considerably more complex and complicated than MDD, and the answer increase exponentially. Knowing someone with BPD gives you only the tip of the iceberg. Just because I know D, and I've read up on BPD, doesn't mean I know how to handle anyone with BPD - including D. I understand better. I don't understand. No one can, except maybe the person living it, but that is unlikely. Let's face it, if I completely understood my MDD, I could avoid episodes and maybe even cure myself of it.
Hopefully, all this will make our weekend conversation easier. I doubt it will be easy, since I'm sure some difficult things as to why he felt the need to break up will be aired. Or maybe it will be the amicable closure I need so I can start to move on again.
After the right amount of time passes, of course.
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