"I Just Can't."
Three words. It is amazing how three little words can change your world - both for better and for the worse. "I love you" are three words that can brighten your day, turn your life upside down in the best possible way. I heard those words no less than three times today via text message, and at least as many times this morning as I was leaving for work.
Yet I wasn't totally surprised when tonight I heard, "I just can't." Devastated, heartbroken, numb, and confused all the same, but not totally surprised. "I just can't" was D's way of calling things off, of breaking up with me. Did I get an explanation? Sort of.
I am stunned, that is true. Things were going so very well, or so it seemed. Yes, things moved fast. Quite fast. But we both seemed comfortable with it, or so I thought. He was the first to say he loved me. We shared our fears and dreams, some of our deepest secrets. I confessed I was scared he'd leave me. He told me he was terrified he'd do something to screw this up and "lose the best thing that's ever happened to [him]," meaning me. We promised to talk things through if and when things got rough. He met several of my friends. I met his best friend, his favorite aunt & uncle, and spent lots of time with his son and son's girlfriend - with the approval of all.
As always, though, the signs were there. The questions and comments about how impressive all my education and accomplishments were; when spoken by a significant other those have ultimately led to me being dumped. The question I dread greatly came yesterday: how had I never been caught by a guy? Today I got the big red flag via text, which I will paraphrase. It was about my schedule and pace of life, that while he in some ways admired it he did better with more structure. It came out of the blue and left me very unsettled because I knew deep down he wasn't just making a random comment. He was saying, in his way, he couldn't handle my schedule.
Still, I can't get past the conversations of this past weekend in particular. Talk of how to handle this and that about each other when it happened - anger, depression, frustration. Talk of a somewhat infinite future together. Talk of the good and of the bad. Even today, after the text about the schedule, he texted me saying he was having "a pretty good day. After all, I got you."
Tonight he told me it was him, not me. There was too much for him to juggle or something like that, to keep this going. He was to blame for letting it roll along so quickly. I suggested we step back, slow things down, try just casually dating. I don't blame him for saying no to that, because when two people have been as emotionally intimate as we were, scaling things back isn't easy at all.
He just wasn't ready.
Yes, that is what he said. He said he came to the realization that he wasn't as ready as he thought. But are we ever ready for love?
Another two week relationship. I swear I'm cursed or something. At least he did the right thing and did it in person. Not a text message, not some passive-aggressive crap-out way.
I am sure my friends will start in with various speculations intended to make me feel better. I have wonderful and supportive friends, and for that I am thankful. The theories will abound, and guesses will be made as to when "he'll be back." The fact is, there's no knowing what will happen. I can't fix whatever is going on with him, I can only address me. When I told him I loved him, I meant it, and I still do. That won't change. I didn't feed him a bunch of lines to get him to fall for me, and I know he did not, either.
I know more thoughts and ponderings will come to me, but I have to go over to his house now and collect some items I had there - kitchen items.
Only time will tell. As always.
Yet I wasn't totally surprised when tonight I heard, "I just can't." Devastated, heartbroken, numb, and confused all the same, but not totally surprised. "I just can't" was D's way of calling things off, of breaking up with me. Did I get an explanation? Sort of.
I am stunned, that is true. Things were going so very well, or so it seemed. Yes, things moved fast. Quite fast. But we both seemed comfortable with it, or so I thought. He was the first to say he loved me. We shared our fears and dreams, some of our deepest secrets. I confessed I was scared he'd leave me. He told me he was terrified he'd do something to screw this up and "lose the best thing that's ever happened to [him]," meaning me. We promised to talk things through if and when things got rough. He met several of my friends. I met his best friend, his favorite aunt & uncle, and spent lots of time with his son and son's girlfriend - with the approval of all.
As always, though, the signs were there. The questions and comments about how impressive all my education and accomplishments were; when spoken by a significant other those have ultimately led to me being dumped. The question I dread greatly came yesterday: how had I never been caught by a guy? Today I got the big red flag via text, which I will paraphrase. It was about my schedule and pace of life, that while he in some ways admired it he did better with more structure. It came out of the blue and left me very unsettled because I knew deep down he wasn't just making a random comment. He was saying, in his way, he couldn't handle my schedule.
Still, I can't get past the conversations of this past weekend in particular. Talk of how to handle this and that about each other when it happened - anger, depression, frustration. Talk of a somewhat infinite future together. Talk of the good and of the bad. Even today, after the text about the schedule, he texted me saying he was having "a pretty good day. After all, I got you."
Tonight he told me it was him, not me. There was too much for him to juggle or something like that, to keep this going. He was to blame for letting it roll along so quickly. I suggested we step back, slow things down, try just casually dating. I don't blame him for saying no to that, because when two people have been as emotionally intimate as we were, scaling things back isn't easy at all.
He just wasn't ready.
Yes, that is what he said. He said he came to the realization that he wasn't as ready as he thought. But are we ever ready for love?
Another two week relationship. I swear I'm cursed or something. At least he did the right thing and did it in person. Not a text message, not some passive-aggressive crap-out way.
I am sure my friends will start in with various speculations intended to make me feel better. I have wonderful and supportive friends, and for that I am thankful. The theories will abound, and guesses will be made as to when "he'll be back." The fact is, there's no knowing what will happen. I can't fix whatever is going on with him, I can only address me. When I told him I loved him, I meant it, and I still do. That won't change. I didn't feed him a bunch of lines to get him to fall for me, and I know he did not, either.
I know more thoughts and ponderings will come to me, but I have to go over to his house now and collect some items I had there - kitchen items.
Only time will tell. As always.
Grr. This is a frustration beyond words. It so damned hard to feel ready yet be with someone that's not willing, or can commit or finds new problems to bring to a relationship. Sorry D wasn't the prince in shining armor.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, I really do think there IS someone out there for you; and now, you're a few more steps closer to him. Keep your head up, the clouds will pass and behind them is always a shining sun.