An Attempt at an Explanation

First off, I'm sorry if the title has misled any of you into thinking I've somehow gotten a miraculous insight into D's thought processes and have come up with a crystal-clear explanation as to why he felt he needed to end our relationship, because this post isn't about that at all nor have I had any enlightenment. This post is for all my friends who can't quite understand why I don't bear any ill will towards him for "hurting me."

Granted, many of them think I'm still moony and stupid in love, even though I'm once again single. I can understand where they are coming from, even though I am neither of those things. However, love doesn't prevent us from being angry at someone. How many times have you been insulted, hurt, or been totally irate at your best friend, a family member, your lover, your spouse? You still love them, but you are incredibly angry for some reason. Words may have been hurled in passionate moments of frustration, words intended to wound. Doors may have slammed, phones gone silent, tears shed over the argument. It doesn't change how you truly feel about that person, usually. You still love them.

Here's the thing. I learned this lesson, I don't know, well over a year ago. I remind myself of it every time I teach a yoga class, which is up to 4 times a week. As we enter savasana, the meditation period at the end of a practice, I remind my classes to focus on their breathing. I tell them to trust the breath, to let every exhale release that which your body and spirit does not need, and trust the universe/God to send in with the inhale that which your body does need. You might be letting go of pain, confusion, hurt, anger, stress, and allowing peace, tranquility, clarity of thought to come in. But until you let go, you cannot let the new, the good in.

I believe our souls are wonderful things. I also believe there is only so much room in our souls and our hearts for our emotions. If we fill ourselves with the negative ones, the positive ones do not have a place to plant and grow. We cannot help when negative emotions initially come into our lives. We are human, and sorrow, anger, hurt, pain are all part of our humanness. But we can control how much credence we give them, how long we allow them to dominate our beings.

There is a meme/story that floats around regularly. It is allegedly a conversation between an old Indian and a younger boy. The old man tells a story about two wolves living in our heart - one is positive and one is negative - and they are fighting. The boy asks which wolf wins, and the old man says, "The one you feed." Whether or not the story is actually true is completely moot, because the point is one we should all take to heart. Every day I see the results of anger and frustration in our world. Scroll through a Facebook feed and see how many people are posting news articles about sad things happening in our world, or are posting something ultimately meant to inflame because it takes shots at someone else. Sure, mixed in among the articles about gun violence, views on homosexuality, political corruption, and other similar topics are the cat videos, the Bible verse and inspirational memes, and the pictures of your friends' cute kids. But still, there is a hefty dose of negative permeating everything.

Anger, ill will, malice all take more energy than I am willing to give. I am letting sorrow runs its course, because that is the only way to healthfully deal with it. Trying to bury or deny it only makes it worse. It is completely natural to grieve at the end of a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a weeping mess in the corner. There are times when I see something, read something, that reminds me of D in a special way, and my heart is heavy. The pain is still there, and parts of my soul are still very raw. Healing doesn't happen overnight. But I take a deep breath, I acknowledge my sadness, and I let it go as best I can.

Some days, that is easier than others.

Sure, every now and again I get a random desire to be vengeful. I'm not totally a goody-two-shoes. I think about texting him to say, "are you really happier without me?" That is a text whose only intention is to be laden with guilt, whose words are designed to strike him in his most vulnerable spots. However, making someone else hurt, sad, or feel guilty isn't going to assuage the feelings that I have. In truth, it would compound my feelings, because then I, too, would feel guilty over words said that cannot be taken back. Just because he made the decision he did which hurt me doesn't mean I should ever retaliate, particularly since his decision wasn't made with the intention to hurt me. I honestly believe if there was some way he could accomplish getting out of the relationship to soothe his psychological needs without hurting me, he would have, because he really does love me.

And before you think I'm drinking some special Kool-aid over that, I did ask him point-blank if he did, if all those times he said he loved me did he mean it. He looked me in the eyes and said, "That is one thing I never lie about."

I don't even pick up my phone when I have those thoughts, though. The thoughts about vengeance and snippy text messages. I am better than that. I understand too well the pain that words, spoken or written in hurt or anger, can cause. The wounds may heal, but they leave behind a scar. Jesus, along with many other prophets followed in various religions, taught that we are to turn the other cheek. It is not a sign of weakness or defeat. It is a sign that we are not necessarily of this world, that our spirits and our interactions with our fellow humans and creatures mean more to us than temporary gain or hurt.

Yesterday, Wednesday, was a good day. I felt as close to normal as I have in a month, because I'm gauging "normal" by how I was prior to meeting D. Today is a big setback. I don't know if it is this morning's rain, just part of the recovery journey, a combination of the two, or another factor I haven't considered. These days are to be expected, but that doesn't make them any easier. Today, any mention of dating, relationships, and the like is like a skewer to my already wounded heart. The desire to reach out is overwhelming, but I am fighting it tooth and nail because it is too soon. Too soon for him, and I have to respect that.

I'll be honest: I miss him. I miss my friend. Yes, the physical was wonderful - he's a fantastic hugger, cuddler, and he always held my hand in public - but what was the foundation of our relationship was our conversations. Time simply spent together talking, be it on the phone or sitting in his papasan chairs in his sunroom, is what I am missing the most. So often I want to reach out and share something I know he would find amusing or interesting, but I can't. Not yet.

The sun is now out, and my mood has only slightly improved. I need to let this round of sadness run its course and let it go. Tomorrow should be good; I have a massage scheduled, then pool time, and I wrap up my day with coffee and conversation with a good friend. It will be my first caffeine in almost 2 weeks. That in and of itself could be very interesting. In other news, I have been able to cut back my additional sleep meds by about 30%. I'm not sure if that is a good thing just yet; last night was the first night I went that low and I woke up earlier than usual, but I still slept through the night without waking up. Not even for the crazy thunderstorm.

One day at a time. Or as one of today's yoga students said, "Sometimes you need to go one hour, or one minute, at a time." She's right. This is a small step day for me, but I refuse to stand still. I will keep moving forward.