Clarification, Update, and Perspective
Earlier today, as I was leaving my second fitness class of the day, I got a Facebook message from a friend. We met while I was working on my Master's degree, she on her undergraduate. While in school we weren't necessarily close, but we were friendly. Facebook and time does what it does to friendships, and we have learned that we share more than California ancestry and a love of classical singing. We also live with chronic illness; mine is mental and hers, physical.
She's written me a couple of times since the most recent breakup, and this message was about my post that attempted an explanation. She particularly liked my philosophy on how our souls only have so much room for emotions, and if we don't release the negative ones the positive ones have no place to grow. She then shared with me an observation about her friends and illness, and it wasn't until I read her note that I realized how often I get similar reactions.
In a nutshell, we humans are visually driven. This is something the media and advertising industries play to their full advantage. So when we know someone is "sick," be it physically or mentally, we expect them to look "sick," whatever that means. When we see someone we know to be "sick" looking "well," then we immediately assume they are no longer "sick." So often, that is wrong. In one conversation about my depression D asked me what the signs were that I was having an episode. My honest and initial reply was, "I hide it very well." My friend told me her friends are often confused by her sunny demeanor and put-together appearance, even though her chronic conditions cause her a great deal of pain.
She, like me, refuses to be defined by her illness. I got some of the same thing in the first week post-breakup. At my midweek church event, I went as I had been all day. I had subbed a boot camp class earlier that day, then been in the office without changing. (Hey, it's a casual place.) I went to my rehearsal sans make-up, tired, and yes, depressed but putting on the best face possible. All in all, I kind of looked like hell, I admit it. Those same people saw me Sunday, and while I had a mini-meltdown at the first service, by the second service (where I saw those Wednesday night people) I was largely composed. I was dressed nicely, had make-up on, and had showered. I got the comment, "you look like you're doing much better," when I really was doing only marginally better.
However, that has changed. I was thinking as I was headed to my third class of the day (I'm a wee bit overbooked this week, but hey, mama's going on vacation soon and needs the money) that I use this blog as therapy. I muse and wonder and work through problems and questions. Sometimes I post silly, funny, or happy things, but as of late it's been a lot of tormenting over my wounded heart. And there is much more wondering and bemusing I want to do, but won't for various reasons.
Combine that with the fact that the vast majority of my Facebook posts are merely check-ins, and I can understand why people don't seem to know how much better I'm actually doing. So here's an update on me. A positive update. I'll go one-by-one through my common list of symptoms.
Sleep
Sleep is the first thing that goes bye-bye when I have an episode. I immediately countered it by supplementing my relatively low-dose sleep aid with diphenhydramine. A lot of diphenhydramine. 150mg worth. I've cut that back to 100mg, and may try cutting it down to 75mg tonight. We shall see. My goal is to be back to the 50mg I had been taking by the time I see my doctor for my follow-up visit, which is a week from Friday. I'm sleeping through the night and only having intermittent weird dreams. This is major progress!
Appetite
My appetite usually pulls a Houdini when I'm depressed. Great for my waistline, not so good for my blood sugars. My appetite has returned, and protein/meal replacement shakes are only being used because I'm still lazy come breakfast time. You know, because pouring that bowl of cereal is soooo taxing. I'm up to 1500-1600 kCals a day consistently. I adjusted my setting on MyFitnessPal to increase my calorie intake - at the expense of a slower weight loss - but I've also read more and more than 1200 kCal daily intakes do much more harm than good. My body, and my psyche, are doing better on 1500+.
Social Patience
24 hours after the breakup, my patience for being social was one hour. Period. You could set your watches by me. After an hour being social, I shut down. There's no other term for it. I withdraw. My social patience has largely returned. Now since I'm an introvert, that's not necessarily saying a whole lot, but I can indeed be social. I've handled lengthy coffee and convo dates with friends, lunches, hours at church or work interacting with folks, and been fine. I've even sought out social encounters. Definite improvement.
Mood
I'll admit, my mood has been more tied to the weather than I would like. We've had a lot of rain here lately, and the grey, cloudy, drizzly days have by and large made me equally grey and moody. The sun comes out, and I'm ready to take on the world! However, that rollercoaster is starting to level out more. Good sign.
Dating/Libido
Ah. Okay, there's not really any improvement here. I have looked at random guys during my travels and interactions and noted attractiveness, which is a step in the right direction. But my libido is still sending all calls straight to voicemail. I think it's still hoping for a call from a specific number before it will answer. I'm giving it time, and it will come back around.
However, I do have to share an interesting development. I mentioned a few blog posts ago that I might reach out to Bachelor #2, the 6'5" master of drunk texts. Not for dating purposes, since we'd agreed there was no spark, but simply for companionship. I never reached out. Well, tonight he texted me, just a casual "how's life" reach out. I admitted I was single again, but such is life. He was shocked and appalled, and said when he gets back from visiting his family he's going to take me out for a drink and "we can drown our sorrows." Okay, I might have a single drink, as I've largely sworn off alcohol for the time being, but we texted back and forth for a while and he finally dragged out of me that the reason I said the breakup was complicated was because it was a "I love you, I thought I was ready for a relationship but I'm really not" breakup. I haven't gotten a reply to that, but he was never all that great with prompt text replies. On a side note, I now know two gentlemen I've recently dated who approve of my legs.
Alcohol/Caffeine
I was a coffee addict. Hardcore. Serious. I own a standard coffee maker, French press, Cuban coffee maker, and an espresso machine. While dating D, when we'd have breakfast together we'd easily keep our waiter or waitress on their toes refilling our coffee pots. You read that correctly. Not cups, pots. Depressive episode hit, and I stopped the coffee. I've had one iced coffee since then, and an hour later I was wired enough to repaint my entire apartment building. Inside and outside.
I am also someone who enjoys alcohol. Generally I do so socially, but I'm not adverse to having a glass of wine or a beer in the evening at home on my own. I had two margaritas 24 hours after being dumped. Since then, I haven't touched alcohol.
Now there are two reasons for these tea-totaling behaviors. The first is I need to get my personal chemicals all regulated again. Adding in caffeine and alcohol screws with that. Secondly, alcoholism, like depression, runs in my family's genes. I've briefly experienced the allure of literally drowning my sorrows in booze and have sworn to never do it again. I know I need to stay away from alcohol when I'm in an episode, and so I do.
Medications
I'm taking the standard therapeutic dose of my buproprion XL, trade name Wellbutrin. It's double what I had been taking, but I'd been on a very low dose for quite a while. It has made a great difference in getting me through, and I'll be at this dosage for a few months at least. I have also noticed a side effect that wasn't prevalent in the lower dosage. Listed as a common side effect in the patient literature, as someone who works out a lot it is one I have to be very cognizant of: excessive sweating. There's no getting around it; today I did about 7 minutes of squat variations in a slightly warm room while teaching a class, and you could just about wring out the back of my hair. Ew. All that sweating can lead to dehydration. Dehydration can lead to syncopal episodes. What's a syncopal episode? That is where your blood pressure drops to dangerously low levels due to either extreme exertion or dehydration. Or a combination of the two, as I realized after a boot camp workout done with my class where I almost passed out at the end. Not so great when you're the instructor. Lesson learned. The upside to now constant hydration: I know where almost every bathroom at every place I work or teach at is.
So all in all, I am doing much, much better. Save the libido issues, I'd say I'm probably 85-90% back to pre-D happiness. Granted, a part of this is due to "better health through chemistry," but I am certain that I will eventually wean down the happy pills. Moving forward!
She's written me a couple of times since the most recent breakup, and this message was about my post that attempted an explanation. She particularly liked my philosophy on how our souls only have so much room for emotions, and if we don't release the negative ones the positive ones have no place to grow. She then shared with me an observation about her friends and illness, and it wasn't until I read her note that I realized how often I get similar reactions.
In a nutshell, we humans are visually driven. This is something the media and advertising industries play to their full advantage. So when we know someone is "sick," be it physically or mentally, we expect them to look "sick," whatever that means. When we see someone we know to be "sick" looking "well," then we immediately assume they are no longer "sick." So often, that is wrong. In one conversation about my depression D asked me what the signs were that I was having an episode. My honest and initial reply was, "I hide it very well." My friend told me her friends are often confused by her sunny demeanor and put-together appearance, even though her chronic conditions cause her a great deal of pain.
She, like me, refuses to be defined by her illness. I got some of the same thing in the first week post-breakup. At my midweek church event, I went as I had been all day. I had subbed a boot camp class earlier that day, then been in the office without changing. (Hey, it's a casual place.) I went to my rehearsal sans make-up, tired, and yes, depressed but putting on the best face possible. All in all, I kind of looked like hell, I admit it. Those same people saw me Sunday, and while I had a mini-meltdown at the first service, by the second service (where I saw those Wednesday night people) I was largely composed. I was dressed nicely, had make-up on, and had showered. I got the comment, "you look like you're doing much better," when I really was doing only marginally better.
However, that has changed. I was thinking as I was headed to my third class of the day (I'm a wee bit overbooked this week, but hey, mama's going on vacation soon and needs the money) that I use this blog as therapy. I muse and wonder and work through problems and questions. Sometimes I post silly, funny, or happy things, but as of late it's been a lot of tormenting over my wounded heart. And there is much more wondering and bemusing I want to do, but won't for various reasons.
Combine that with the fact that the vast majority of my Facebook posts are merely check-ins, and I can understand why people don't seem to know how much better I'm actually doing. So here's an update on me. A positive update. I'll go one-by-one through my common list of symptoms.
Sleep
Sleep is the first thing that goes bye-bye when I have an episode. I immediately countered it by supplementing my relatively low-dose sleep aid with diphenhydramine. A lot of diphenhydramine. 150mg worth. I've cut that back to 100mg, and may try cutting it down to 75mg tonight. We shall see. My goal is to be back to the 50mg I had been taking by the time I see my doctor for my follow-up visit, which is a week from Friday. I'm sleeping through the night and only having intermittent weird dreams. This is major progress!
Appetite
My appetite usually pulls a Houdini when I'm depressed. Great for my waistline, not so good for my blood sugars. My appetite has returned, and protein/meal replacement shakes are only being used because I'm still lazy come breakfast time. You know, because pouring that bowl of cereal is soooo taxing. I'm up to 1500-1600 kCals a day consistently. I adjusted my setting on MyFitnessPal to increase my calorie intake - at the expense of a slower weight loss - but I've also read more and more than 1200 kCal daily intakes do much more harm than good. My body, and my psyche, are doing better on 1500+.
Social Patience
24 hours after the breakup, my patience for being social was one hour. Period. You could set your watches by me. After an hour being social, I shut down. There's no other term for it. I withdraw. My social patience has largely returned. Now since I'm an introvert, that's not necessarily saying a whole lot, but I can indeed be social. I've handled lengthy coffee and convo dates with friends, lunches, hours at church or work interacting with folks, and been fine. I've even sought out social encounters. Definite improvement.
Mood
I'll admit, my mood has been more tied to the weather than I would like. We've had a lot of rain here lately, and the grey, cloudy, drizzly days have by and large made me equally grey and moody. The sun comes out, and I'm ready to take on the world! However, that rollercoaster is starting to level out more. Good sign.
Dating/Libido
Ah. Okay, there's not really any improvement here. I have looked at random guys during my travels and interactions and noted attractiveness, which is a step in the right direction. But my libido is still sending all calls straight to voicemail. I think it's still hoping for a call from a specific number before it will answer. I'm giving it time, and it will come back around.
However, I do have to share an interesting development. I mentioned a few blog posts ago that I might reach out to Bachelor #2, the 6'5" master of drunk texts. Not for dating purposes, since we'd agreed there was no spark, but simply for companionship. I never reached out. Well, tonight he texted me, just a casual "how's life" reach out. I admitted I was single again, but such is life. He was shocked and appalled, and said when he gets back from visiting his family he's going to take me out for a drink and "we can drown our sorrows." Okay, I might have a single drink, as I've largely sworn off alcohol for the time being, but we texted back and forth for a while and he finally dragged out of me that the reason I said the breakup was complicated was because it was a "I love you, I thought I was ready for a relationship but I'm really not" breakup. I haven't gotten a reply to that, but he was never all that great with prompt text replies. On a side note, I now know two gentlemen I've recently dated who approve of my legs.
Alcohol/Caffeine
I was a coffee addict. Hardcore. Serious. I own a standard coffee maker, French press, Cuban coffee maker, and an espresso machine. While dating D, when we'd have breakfast together we'd easily keep our waiter or waitress on their toes refilling our coffee pots. You read that correctly. Not cups, pots. Depressive episode hit, and I stopped the coffee. I've had one iced coffee since then, and an hour later I was wired enough to repaint my entire apartment building. Inside and outside.
I am also someone who enjoys alcohol. Generally I do so socially, but I'm not adverse to having a glass of wine or a beer in the evening at home on my own. I had two margaritas 24 hours after being dumped. Since then, I haven't touched alcohol.
Now there are two reasons for these tea-totaling behaviors. The first is I need to get my personal chemicals all regulated again. Adding in caffeine and alcohol screws with that. Secondly, alcoholism, like depression, runs in my family's genes. I've briefly experienced the allure of literally drowning my sorrows in booze and have sworn to never do it again. I know I need to stay away from alcohol when I'm in an episode, and so I do.
Medications
I'm taking the standard therapeutic dose of my buproprion XL, trade name Wellbutrin. It's double what I had been taking, but I'd been on a very low dose for quite a while. It has made a great difference in getting me through, and I'll be at this dosage for a few months at least. I have also noticed a side effect that wasn't prevalent in the lower dosage. Listed as a common side effect in the patient literature, as someone who works out a lot it is one I have to be very cognizant of: excessive sweating. There's no getting around it; today I did about 7 minutes of squat variations in a slightly warm room while teaching a class, and you could just about wring out the back of my hair. Ew. All that sweating can lead to dehydration. Dehydration can lead to syncopal episodes. What's a syncopal episode? That is where your blood pressure drops to dangerously low levels due to either extreme exertion or dehydration. Or a combination of the two, as I realized after a boot camp workout done with my class where I almost passed out at the end. Not so great when you're the instructor. Lesson learned. The upside to now constant hydration: I know where almost every bathroom at every place I work or teach at is.
So all in all, I am doing much, much better. Save the libido issues, I'd say I'm probably 85-90% back to pre-D happiness. Granted, a part of this is due to "better health through chemistry," but I am certain that I will eventually wean down the happy pills. Moving forward!
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