Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
I've debated greatly about writing this post. This is supposed to be a dating blog, after all, not that I haven't veered from that topic in posts past. I would think about writing it, and decide not to, then think about it some more. Then I pulled up my navigation page and saw the numbers.
Numbers? The numbers of "hits" each of my posts has received. I combined that with the love I'm getting on Facebook, and that tipped the scales in favor of an update post.
There's a saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it also takes a village to help up those who are struggling. I am an introvert, it is summer vacation, and I'm in a depressive episode. That's the perfect trifecta for me to stay away from people. Add in the rain we've had over the past couple of days and the fact that today I don't have to be anywhere, and I'm about ready to add "professional hermit" to my resume.
However, I am making progress. A lot of progress. I can feel the difference in my upped dosage on my Wellbutrin. The morning feelings of dread and panic are less, I have more energy, and I have more patience for being around people overall. I did have a bit of a setback on Sunday morning, but as a meme that makes its way around Facebook regularly says, in essence, "Two steps forward and one step back is a cha-cha." (Technically it's not, but why ruin a great meme with facts?)
My appetite is returning, although I am dealing with a round of tummy issues. I don't know if this is related to stress, my wonky eating, or an intestinal virus that is making its way around. Either way, I am eating regular food. I didn't realize just how many friends were concerned about that until I "checked in" at Chipotle on Facebook with the comment that I was only checking in so some people would know I was eating.
That one check-in got 40-something "likes." Really, Chipotle is popular, but it's not that popular.
I am continually amazed by the love I'm getting in person, via text, and on Facebook. People I'm not that close to have been messaging me, giving me their phone numbers and telling me they, too, are depressives and I can call them at any time. As an introvert, it is unlikely I'll actually call any of them, but I have been greatly and deeply touched by that gesture. I know and can feel the power of prayer happening in my life. I'm still struggling, still confused, but coming to more peace with the knowledge that I may never have the answers my practical, logical, academic brain wants.
There are still things that will feel like a blow to the heart, or take the wind out of my sails. For example, in my usual summer habit, I'm rereading some of my favorite authors. In the book I read yesterday, I had to skip over a section. While the series is a forensic thriller series, there are the obligatory romantic issues between the lead character and other characters. This one scene bore quite the resemblance to something I had experienced in person, and I wasn't ready to relive it. I still struggle with couple cuteness in my Facebook feed, although I genuinely feel happy for my friends. Especially the eleventy-billion of you all who either got married last weekend, or are getting married this weekend. (Frickin' June.)
I last heard from D on Sunday. He texted me initially to let me know he'd read my last post. It was a very sweet message, reaffirming many things we'd talked about. Sadly, I lost it when I had to restore my phone from an iCloud backup and it had also disappeared from his text message history, too. We have since gone more than 24 hours without texting, a challenge for both of us (he told me as much), but necessary.
In bringing my second cousin up-to-date, she pointedly asked me, "what would [I] do if he came to me in a couple weeks or months wanting to get back together?" My answer: I will cross that bridge if and when it ever comes.
Seriously. Right now, I have to focus on me. I'm better, but I'm not well. You don't snap your fingers, take a z-pack, and suddenly the depression is gone. It takes days, weeks, even months to fully recover from an episode. At the conclusion of our conversation, I told her it was a moot point for me to be thinking about that, because I needed to fix me. If I wasn't in a good place myself, then any relationship would be crap.
Well, I phrased it a bit more eloquently than that, but you get my point.
All in all, I'm making progress. Good progress. One person reminded me to make sure I have something to look forward to. Well, I have two things. The first is when the sun is out and I can be by the pool. I've even decided I may venture into a true 2-piece swimsuit this summer, we'll see. The second is when D and I can be friends. I don't know when that will be. It may be weeks, it may be months. But I know it will happen. When the time is right.
Numbers? The numbers of "hits" each of my posts has received. I combined that with the love I'm getting on Facebook, and that tipped the scales in favor of an update post.
There's a saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it also takes a village to help up those who are struggling. I am an introvert, it is summer vacation, and I'm in a depressive episode. That's the perfect trifecta for me to stay away from people. Add in the rain we've had over the past couple of days and the fact that today I don't have to be anywhere, and I'm about ready to add "professional hermit" to my resume.
However, I am making progress. A lot of progress. I can feel the difference in my upped dosage on my Wellbutrin. The morning feelings of dread and panic are less, I have more energy, and I have more patience for being around people overall. I did have a bit of a setback on Sunday morning, but as a meme that makes its way around Facebook regularly says, in essence, "Two steps forward and one step back is a cha-cha." (Technically it's not, but why ruin a great meme with facts?)
My appetite is returning, although I am dealing with a round of tummy issues. I don't know if this is related to stress, my wonky eating, or an intestinal virus that is making its way around. Either way, I am eating regular food. I didn't realize just how many friends were concerned about that until I "checked in" at Chipotle on Facebook with the comment that I was only checking in so some people would know I was eating.
That one check-in got 40-something "likes." Really, Chipotle is popular, but it's not that popular.
I am continually amazed by the love I'm getting in person, via text, and on Facebook. People I'm not that close to have been messaging me, giving me their phone numbers and telling me they, too, are depressives and I can call them at any time. As an introvert, it is unlikely I'll actually call any of them, but I have been greatly and deeply touched by that gesture. I know and can feel the power of prayer happening in my life. I'm still struggling, still confused, but coming to more peace with the knowledge that I may never have the answers my practical, logical, academic brain wants.
There are still things that will feel like a blow to the heart, or take the wind out of my sails. For example, in my usual summer habit, I'm rereading some of my favorite authors. In the book I read yesterday, I had to skip over a section. While the series is a forensic thriller series, there are the obligatory romantic issues between the lead character and other characters. This one scene bore quite the resemblance to something I had experienced in person, and I wasn't ready to relive it. I still struggle with couple cuteness in my Facebook feed, although I genuinely feel happy for my friends. Especially the eleventy-billion of you all who either got married last weekend, or are getting married this weekend. (Frickin' June.)
I last heard from D on Sunday. He texted me initially to let me know he'd read my last post. It was a very sweet message, reaffirming many things we'd talked about. Sadly, I lost it when I had to restore my phone from an iCloud backup and it had also disappeared from his text message history, too. We have since gone more than 24 hours without texting, a challenge for both of us (he told me as much), but necessary.
In bringing my second cousin up-to-date, she pointedly asked me, "what would [I] do if he came to me in a couple weeks or months wanting to get back together?" My answer: I will cross that bridge if and when it ever comes.
Seriously. Right now, I have to focus on me. I'm better, but I'm not well. You don't snap your fingers, take a z-pack, and suddenly the depression is gone. It takes days, weeks, even months to fully recover from an episode. At the conclusion of our conversation, I told her it was a moot point for me to be thinking about that, because I needed to fix me. If I wasn't in a good place myself, then any relationship would be crap.
Well, I phrased it a bit more eloquently than that, but you get my point.
All in all, I'm making progress. Good progress. One person reminded me to make sure I have something to look forward to. Well, I have two things. The first is when the sun is out and I can be by the pool. I've even decided I may venture into a true 2-piece swimsuit this summer, we'll see. The second is when D and I can be friends. I don't know when that will be. It may be weeks, it may be months. But I know it will happen. When the time is right.
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