The 4 Bs
Next week -- on Monday, specifically -- I will drive 7 hours due north for my first vacation in basically forever. I'm headed to the Twin Cities of Minnesota to visit one of my best friends, and this trip has recently been dubbed "The 4 Bs: Booze, Baseball, Beaches, and Bitching."
Now I'm not looking to do any bitching myself, at least not about men. I don't have a reason to. Yes, I was hurt and confused and all that good stuff, but I was never angry or resentful. Our post-breakup communication has been friendly and without animosity. While we are not yet at the comfort level of friends, we'll eventually get there. It will take time. While I doubt hearing from me in a friendly, "this happened and I thought you'd find it humorous" sort of way would upset him, we both need time and space.
Are you sick of reading that basic phrase yet?
The bitching will be for my friend, who on Monday renewed her membership in the "unexpectedly single" club. Her post-breakup path has been different than mine, in part because while the breakup was an unpleasant surprise she is also dealing with ex-husband drama, which is the bulk of her stress right now. For me, my breakup was a trigger for a depressive cycle, something I am already susceptible to, but that was essentially the extent of what I had to deal with. For her, she's fighting a "downward spiral" tooth and nail (because of the ex-hubby), and doing things that I've done in the past, namely making drastic changes to her appearance in the form of hair color and possibly cut.
It will be a great week, and the timing is right for us both. She needs me (or any good friend guest) around to keep her from the edge of the ledge. I'm ready to get my life back rolling again in earnest, and a vacation with beer and baseball games and time at the lake and inevitably dancing at a fun riverside club sounds like a great way for me to do that. If nothing else, the change of scenery and some frivolity will do me wonders.
Thing is, I had a breakthrough of sorts on Monday. It happened after I wrote my last post. I was teaching my usual Monday evening yoga class, and we were in savasana, which is the time at the end of a practice to reflect, relax, and restore. I frequently guide my class through relaxation techniques or the aligning of chakras, and as the facilitator I rarely get to actually meditate myself. This week, my class was small and consisted only of some of my regulars. After going around with aromatherapy, I just let them be, which meant I actually had a few minutes to sit in simple pose after a good practice and meditate for myself.
I can't describe what actually happened other than to say I entered into a depth of meditation I have never before experienced. Being a Christian, I began my meditation with a brief silent prayer asking for peace for my soul, and used a snippet of scripture as my meditation mantra. I only had about two minutes to be in that meditation, but when I came out, I felt a peace that I had not felt in a very long time. To top it off, much of what still made me anxious about D and where our relationship stands as friends right now was largely gone. Don't get me wrong; I still feel the occasional pang of sadness or jealousy, but it is nothing like what it was. And I do feel ready to go back out on Match, although I'm going to wait until I get back from MN. Another week won't make any difference there.
So that is where my heart, by and large, stands now. It's in a good place. Yes, it is a little bruised and you can still see the scabs, but it's ready to be out there again. It's ready to have some fun.
As to the rest of me, a quick update. I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today. Everything looks good, although she wants me off the diphenhydramine. Although I've tried, I can't get down lower than 75mg. So she's switched me over to melatonin. I start that tonight and see how it goes. Melatonin is a natural hormone, and since I have insomnia issues even without the depression, she suspects I have a hormone imbalance.
I'll pause so you can snicker and come up with a few wisecracks.
My scale at home has shown a significant uptick in my weight this week, but I've by and large decided my scale is a piece of crap. I can step on it and it says one thing, step off, step back on, and it's changed by 2 pounds. Or, I can slide the scale to the right 3 inches and suddenly my weight is different. That's what happens when you buy the least expensive model. The scale at my doctor's office, though, had me down almost 2 pounds from when I was there last - and less than my home scale said this morning before I ate breakfast.
Shrug.
So after my vacation, I'll reactivate my Match account. We'll see how it goes this time around!
Now I'm not looking to do any bitching myself, at least not about men. I don't have a reason to. Yes, I was hurt and confused and all that good stuff, but I was never angry or resentful. Our post-breakup communication has been friendly and without animosity. While we are not yet at the comfort level of friends, we'll eventually get there. It will take time. While I doubt hearing from me in a friendly, "this happened and I thought you'd find it humorous" sort of way would upset him, we both need time and space.
Are you sick of reading that basic phrase yet?
The bitching will be for my friend, who on Monday renewed her membership in the "unexpectedly single" club. Her post-breakup path has been different than mine, in part because while the breakup was an unpleasant surprise she is also dealing with ex-husband drama, which is the bulk of her stress right now. For me, my breakup was a trigger for a depressive cycle, something I am already susceptible to, but that was essentially the extent of what I had to deal with. For her, she's fighting a "downward spiral" tooth and nail (because of the ex-hubby), and doing things that I've done in the past, namely making drastic changes to her appearance in the form of hair color and possibly cut.
It will be a great week, and the timing is right for us both. She needs me (or any good friend guest) around to keep her from the edge of the ledge. I'm ready to get my life back rolling again in earnest, and a vacation with beer and baseball games and time at the lake and inevitably dancing at a fun riverside club sounds like a great way for me to do that. If nothing else, the change of scenery and some frivolity will do me wonders.
Thing is, I had a breakthrough of sorts on Monday. It happened after I wrote my last post. I was teaching my usual Monday evening yoga class, and we were in savasana, which is the time at the end of a practice to reflect, relax, and restore. I frequently guide my class through relaxation techniques or the aligning of chakras, and as the facilitator I rarely get to actually meditate myself. This week, my class was small and consisted only of some of my regulars. After going around with aromatherapy, I just let them be, which meant I actually had a few minutes to sit in simple pose after a good practice and meditate for myself.
I can't describe what actually happened other than to say I entered into a depth of meditation I have never before experienced. Being a Christian, I began my meditation with a brief silent prayer asking for peace for my soul, and used a snippet of scripture as my meditation mantra. I only had about two minutes to be in that meditation, but when I came out, I felt a peace that I had not felt in a very long time. To top it off, much of what still made me anxious about D and where our relationship stands as friends right now was largely gone. Don't get me wrong; I still feel the occasional pang of sadness or jealousy, but it is nothing like what it was. And I do feel ready to go back out on Match, although I'm going to wait until I get back from MN. Another week won't make any difference there.
So that is where my heart, by and large, stands now. It's in a good place. Yes, it is a little bruised and you can still see the scabs, but it's ready to be out there again. It's ready to have some fun.
As to the rest of me, a quick update. I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today. Everything looks good, although she wants me off the diphenhydramine. Although I've tried, I can't get down lower than 75mg. So she's switched me over to melatonin. I start that tonight and see how it goes. Melatonin is a natural hormone, and since I have insomnia issues even without the depression, she suspects I have a hormone imbalance.
I'll pause so you can snicker and come up with a few wisecracks.
My scale at home has shown a significant uptick in my weight this week, but I've by and large decided my scale is a piece of crap. I can step on it and it says one thing, step off, step back on, and it's changed by 2 pounds. Or, I can slide the scale to the right 3 inches and suddenly my weight is different. That's what happens when you buy the least expensive model. The scale at my doctor's office, though, had me down almost 2 pounds from when I was there last - and less than my home scale said this morning before I ate breakfast.
Shrug.
So after my vacation, I'll reactivate my Match account. We'll see how it goes this time around!
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