Doctor's Appointment
I had an anxiety attack this morning. It was completely without reason. A few hours later, I called my doctor and got in to see her this afternoon.
I've been blogging lately quite a bit about mental illness, especially bipolar disorder. Now I need to take a moment and turn the magnifying glass back on me and my Major Depressive Disorder with some General Anxiety Disorder thrown in for good measure. And yes, there's stuff in here about D, too.
For over a year, I've been taking two medications to help me with my depression: Wellbutrin XL and Trazodone. My dosages have been on the low end of the spectrum, but they are what I've always taken in the past and, until recently, they have been sufficient. Not anymore.
Many people seem to think that medicated depressives won't have bad days. This is not true. Our medications help regulate the chemicals in our brains so we can have normal emotional reactions. Just like unmedicated people who do not have MDD, we can have blue periods that are a completely normal development of life. It is normal to be sad when a relationship ends, when a loved one dies, when struggles come your way. The challenge of a depressive is knowing when the blue period is normal, and when it is not.
My two clues were my difficulty sleeping and this morning's anxiety attack. In spite of the sleeping difficulties, I actually woke up feeling more positive than I have in several days. That lasted approximately 2 minutes. Then for no reason, the overwhelming feelings of panic, dread, and anxiousness flooded me. I laid in my bed, covers pulled to my chin, trying to calm the terror I felt in my heart. I did everything I could to speed its passing: prayer, yogic breathing, relaxation techniques. Nothing helped. I had to endure it to the end. Thankfully it was a short one, but it was a warning shot to me. If I didn't do something soon, they'd be back, and worse.
I had hesitated to call my doctor. What if she said, "Well, you just had a relationship end. Of course you're going to be down. Check back in a few weeks and if you aren't doing better, then we'll adjust your meds"? There is nothing someone with mental illness dreads hearing more than the "it's all in your head" lines. Fortunately, I see a really great doctor. She's not a psychiatry specialist, but a general nurse practitioner working in a clinic that sees uninsured people - like me. And she sees it all. She has never downplayed my MDD, or questioned what I was feeling. She understands I tend to skim over my symptoms sometimes; it took her several minutes to finally drag out of me that I'd recently been dumped. She then made it clear that my most recent life change was not something to belittle and that my current episode is indeed very real.
We are doubling my Wellbutrin, bringing it up to standard therapeutic levels. I've been at 150mg once a day, and now I'm up to 300mg. That is step number one. I see her in 3 weeks for a follow up, and if my sleeping hasn't improved - meaning, I haven't been able to cut back on the diphenhydramine - then she'll also up my Trazodone. She also has the names and numbers of local therapists who are good and reasonably priced, if I feel I need to do that. I've done the therapy route before, albeit "off the books," but that was in Florida. If I need it, I need it, and I'll ask for it when the time comes.
She also thinks it is a good thing that D and I are going to sit down tomorrow and talk. We've set up a time in the late afternoon to just talk. No agenda. We'll clear the air and see if we can understand better what happened. Getting back together is not on the table. This conversation was his idea, and that is something that has some of my close friends upset because they think he's being manipulative or something. You'll just have to trust me, wacky me, when I say he is not.
An interesting development is that we are meeting at my place. He suggested it for privacy and the lack of interruptions - things we would not get at his house or in a public place. At first I was hesitant; do I want my personal haven sullied by these kinds of memories? But hell, it's already been tainted by him walking in my front door, closing it, and saying, "We need to talk. It's a bad talk." And right now, I am struggling greatly when I have to leave the house. I thought I was doing better. Then I went to the grocery store 4 blocks away for one item, and that about did me in. I hate feeling this way! So to not have to leave my house to meet him will make me less anxious.
There is no way a single conversation will make me suddenly happy or supply me with all the answers I need. I've vacillated from things I desperately want to ask him and say to him, to simply saying "fuck it" and moving on without those moments, and back again. Seeing him with the new boundaries may be too hard for me. I was encouraged by an article I read online, though. In summary, researchers are finding that the closer couples were when dating, the more likely they are to be successful and true friends after the split. Honestly, that surprised me.
I know it will take major adjusting. It already has. The thoughts have already crossed my mind to reach back out to Bachelor #2 - the 6'5" master of the drunk texts - to let him know his movie bud friend was back available for casual get-togethers. Hey, we already agreed there was no spark, in spite of the awkward "wish you were here to spoon" text. So what is wrong with some companionship, particularly when it comes from a guy who is gladly willing to foot the bill?
Wow, that makes me sound like such a gold digger.
Regardless, I haven't done it quite yet, but I probably will in the next couple of days. Although I've had one friend strongly urge me to, I am not up to reactivating my Match profile just yet. I have fleeting thoughts of that, and then I see an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or dating cuteness on Facebook and it's like a dagger to the heart. I know I'm not ready, and the last thing I need to do is throw myself into a bunch of shallow, crappy dates simply because I'm trying to fill a void in my heart.
I may or may not post about tomorrow's talk. As I have said before, not everything needs to be posted. But if you're the praying sort, or the good thoughts sort, those would be appreciated.
I've been blogging lately quite a bit about mental illness, especially bipolar disorder. Now I need to take a moment and turn the magnifying glass back on me and my Major Depressive Disorder with some General Anxiety Disorder thrown in for good measure. And yes, there's stuff in here about D, too.
For over a year, I've been taking two medications to help me with my depression: Wellbutrin XL and Trazodone. My dosages have been on the low end of the spectrum, but they are what I've always taken in the past and, until recently, they have been sufficient. Not anymore.
Many people seem to think that medicated depressives won't have bad days. This is not true. Our medications help regulate the chemicals in our brains so we can have normal emotional reactions. Just like unmedicated people who do not have MDD, we can have blue periods that are a completely normal development of life. It is normal to be sad when a relationship ends, when a loved one dies, when struggles come your way. The challenge of a depressive is knowing when the blue period is normal, and when it is not.
My two clues were my difficulty sleeping and this morning's anxiety attack. In spite of the sleeping difficulties, I actually woke up feeling more positive than I have in several days. That lasted approximately 2 minutes. Then for no reason, the overwhelming feelings of panic, dread, and anxiousness flooded me. I laid in my bed, covers pulled to my chin, trying to calm the terror I felt in my heart. I did everything I could to speed its passing: prayer, yogic breathing, relaxation techniques. Nothing helped. I had to endure it to the end. Thankfully it was a short one, but it was a warning shot to me. If I didn't do something soon, they'd be back, and worse.
I had hesitated to call my doctor. What if she said, "Well, you just had a relationship end. Of course you're going to be down. Check back in a few weeks and if you aren't doing better, then we'll adjust your meds"? There is nothing someone with mental illness dreads hearing more than the "it's all in your head" lines. Fortunately, I see a really great doctor. She's not a psychiatry specialist, but a general nurse practitioner working in a clinic that sees uninsured people - like me. And she sees it all. She has never downplayed my MDD, or questioned what I was feeling. She understands I tend to skim over my symptoms sometimes; it took her several minutes to finally drag out of me that I'd recently been dumped. She then made it clear that my most recent life change was not something to belittle and that my current episode is indeed very real.
We are doubling my Wellbutrin, bringing it up to standard therapeutic levels. I've been at 150mg once a day, and now I'm up to 300mg. That is step number one. I see her in 3 weeks for a follow up, and if my sleeping hasn't improved - meaning, I haven't been able to cut back on the diphenhydramine - then she'll also up my Trazodone. She also has the names and numbers of local therapists who are good and reasonably priced, if I feel I need to do that. I've done the therapy route before, albeit "off the books," but that was in Florida. If I need it, I need it, and I'll ask for it when the time comes.
She also thinks it is a good thing that D and I are going to sit down tomorrow and talk. We've set up a time in the late afternoon to just talk. No agenda. We'll clear the air and see if we can understand better what happened. Getting back together is not on the table. This conversation was his idea, and that is something that has some of my close friends upset because they think he's being manipulative or something. You'll just have to trust me, wacky me, when I say he is not.
An interesting development is that we are meeting at my place. He suggested it for privacy and the lack of interruptions - things we would not get at his house or in a public place. At first I was hesitant; do I want my personal haven sullied by these kinds of memories? But hell, it's already been tainted by him walking in my front door, closing it, and saying, "We need to talk. It's a bad talk." And right now, I am struggling greatly when I have to leave the house. I thought I was doing better. Then I went to the grocery store 4 blocks away for one item, and that about did me in. I hate feeling this way! So to not have to leave my house to meet him will make me less anxious.
There is no way a single conversation will make me suddenly happy or supply me with all the answers I need. I've vacillated from things I desperately want to ask him and say to him, to simply saying "fuck it" and moving on without those moments, and back again. Seeing him with the new boundaries may be too hard for me. I was encouraged by an article I read online, though. In summary, researchers are finding that the closer couples were when dating, the more likely they are to be successful and true friends after the split. Honestly, that surprised me.
I know it will take major adjusting. It already has. The thoughts have already crossed my mind to reach back out to Bachelor #2 - the 6'5" master of the drunk texts - to let him know his movie bud friend was back available for casual get-togethers. Hey, we already agreed there was no spark, in spite of the awkward "wish you were here to spoon" text. So what is wrong with some companionship, particularly when it comes from a guy who is gladly willing to foot the bill?
Wow, that makes me sound like such a gold digger.
Regardless, I haven't done it quite yet, but I probably will in the next couple of days. Although I've had one friend strongly urge me to, I am not up to reactivating my Match profile just yet. I have fleeting thoughts of that, and then I see an engagement announcement, wedding pictures, or dating cuteness on Facebook and it's like a dagger to the heart. I know I'm not ready, and the last thing I need to do is throw myself into a bunch of shallow, crappy dates simply because I'm trying to fill a void in my heart.
I may or may not post about tomorrow's talk. As I have said before, not everything needs to be posted. But if you're the praying sort, or the good thoughts sort, those would be appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this! I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD while in college. So though I don't totally understand your situation(every situation is different) I do understand some of those feelings. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and you have been in my prayers. I know you have heard this a hundred times, but if you need anything let know, even if it is to sit and have coffee or wine in silence! I have always seen you as an amazing and strong person and I am happy for you that you realized you needed more help. Stay possitive and remember you have a lot of people who love you!
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