Youthful Perspectives
Two days a week, I am in a classroom teaching -- or, at least trying to teach -- various musical concepts to children in Kindergarten through 8th grade. I am in my third year at this school, which is small, has a fairly low year-to-year turnover in students, and is also Catholic. That last part is important, not because I can talk about God and Jesus, and not because I can judiciously use "Catholic guilt" to my advantage as a teacher. It's important because there is still a strong belief in the Catholic church that marriage should be a woman's ultimate goal. (Unless she's to be a nun, of course.)
So it doesn't surprise me that my students are often interested in my marital status. They even go to the extent to be "concerned" about me and another colleague, who is also unmarried and yet not a nun. Having been in K-12 education now for 5 years, it no longer surprises me that 4th and 5th graders are increasingly interested in members of the opposite sex, even though when I was growing up that kind of "awareness" didn't usually occur until closer to 6th grade. Officially our school does not condone dating and relationships, as the students are too young (even the middle schoolers) but that doesn't stop them and as long as they don't engage in "dating behaviors" on campus, what can we really do?
I often overhear my female students talking about boys that they think are cute, that they have crushes on. When in an appropriate time and place I'll chat with them, female-to-female, about it because in spite of the Catholic aspect of our school many of these girls don't have the best models at home: a divorced mom living with a boyfriend, an older sister or aunt who is promiscuous and shares stories with the younger female, or other less-than-traditional-Catholic settings are not uncommon among my students.
Because of their "educations" at home and through society, it is hard to remember at times that they are still, emotionally and intellectually, children. Much has been said and written about the sexualizing of children through uproars over children's bikinis with padded cup tops and little girls clothing modeled after that which Mom wears -- and purchased at Victoria's Secret -- and yet we forget that they see the world more simply than we do. Today one of my 5th graders, one who in particular is focused on marriage, said to me: "You're so pretty, how come you're not married?"
To an 11 year old, pretty equates marriage. To get married, you must be pretty. Pretty girls get married, and ugly ones don't. That is all that marriage is: people who find each other pretty.
Is this 1950? Seriously? A girl basically aspiring to be a trophy wife?
Yet inside this 37 year old is still some of that 11 year old. Did I get passed over or dumped because I wasn't pretty enough? Thin enough? In general attractive enough? Or, is he only interested in me because I'm pretty? I've even myself skipped past profiles because I honestly thought I wasn't pretty or thin enough for them based on what they'd said on their profiles. I admit to observing couples out in public -- the ever-popular "people watching" -- and wondering how they ended up together. Even more depressing is wondering how a certain person managed to attract a partner in the first place, and yet here I am, the female version of "forever alone guy." And there are those times where I wonder why in God's name were they allowed to spawn children. (I do a lot of this people watching while in the check-out at WalMart.)
It is true that physical attraction is an element to any romantic relationship. While I claim on my profile to read the profiles of others before going through the pictures, the fact of the matter is there are some pictures that come up as the "primary profile picture" that I find so unappealing, I'll skip right past them. Some attraction can develop, but there are those situation that you just know aren't going to even have the smallest of seeds to germinate.
I posted the comment by the 5th grader as my Facebook status, and I was overwhelmed with "likes." One of my friends commented, saying that she was sure MANY people had wondered the same thing. The fact of the matter is, I've never been the girl that guys have flocked to. I've never been the girl that had guys always around her, interested in her. (My gaggles of gays don't count.) Did I have a boyfriend in high school? Yes, once, for three whole weeks, and he went to a different school. College? Not really. Grad school? Sort of. So people may have wondered that, but my history has been that I've pretty much always been single.
Yet I try to remain positive and hence why I'm out on Match. I've certainly been out on quite a few dates since joining, and while so far nothing with any lasting power, my ego has been boosted a little. Besides, my kids at school think I'm pretty.
So it doesn't surprise me that my students are often interested in my marital status. They even go to the extent to be "concerned" about me and another colleague, who is also unmarried and yet not a nun. Having been in K-12 education now for 5 years, it no longer surprises me that 4th and 5th graders are increasingly interested in members of the opposite sex, even though when I was growing up that kind of "awareness" didn't usually occur until closer to 6th grade. Officially our school does not condone dating and relationships, as the students are too young (even the middle schoolers) but that doesn't stop them and as long as they don't engage in "dating behaviors" on campus, what can we really do?
I often overhear my female students talking about boys that they think are cute, that they have crushes on. When in an appropriate time and place I'll chat with them, female-to-female, about it because in spite of the Catholic aspect of our school many of these girls don't have the best models at home: a divorced mom living with a boyfriend, an older sister or aunt who is promiscuous and shares stories with the younger female, or other less-than-traditional-Catholic settings are not uncommon among my students.
Because of their "educations" at home and through society, it is hard to remember at times that they are still, emotionally and intellectually, children. Much has been said and written about the sexualizing of children through uproars over children's bikinis with padded cup tops and little girls clothing modeled after that which Mom wears -- and purchased at Victoria's Secret -- and yet we forget that they see the world more simply than we do. Today one of my 5th graders, one who in particular is focused on marriage, said to me: "You're so pretty, how come you're not married?"
To an 11 year old, pretty equates marriage. To get married, you must be pretty. Pretty girls get married, and ugly ones don't. That is all that marriage is: people who find each other pretty.
Is this 1950? Seriously? A girl basically aspiring to be a trophy wife?
Yet inside this 37 year old is still some of that 11 year old. Did I get passed over or dumped because I wasn't pretty enough? Thin enough? In general attractive enough? Or, is he only interested in me because I'm pretty? I've even myself skipped past profiles because I honestly thought I wasn't pretty or thin enough for them based on what they'd said on their profiles. I admit to observing couples out in public -- the ever-popular "people watching" -- and wondering how they ended up together. Even more depressing is wondering how a certain person managed to attract a partner in the first place, and yet here I am, the female version of "forever alone guy." And there are those times where I wonder why in God's name were they allowed to spawn children. (I do a lot of this people watching while in the check-out at WalMart.)
It is true that physical attraction is an element to any romantic relationship. While I claim on my profile to read the profiles of others before going through the pictures, the fact of the matter is there are some pictures that come up as the "primary profile picture" that I find so unappealing, I'll skip right past them. Some attraction can develop, but there are those situation that you just know aren't going to even have the smallest of seeds to germinate.
I posted the comment by the 5th grader as my Facebook status, and I was overwhelmed with "likes." One of my friends commented, saying that she was sure MANY people had wondered the same thing. The fact of the matter is, I've never been the girl that guys have flocked to. I've never been the girl that had guys always around her, interested in her. (My gaggles of gays don't count.) Did I have a boyfriend in high school? Yes, once, for three whole weeks, and he went to a different school. College? Not really. Grad school? Sort of. So people may have wondered that, but my history has been that I've pretty much always been single.
Yet I try to remain positive and hence why I'm out on Match. I've certainly been out on quite a few dates since joining, and while so far nothing with any lasting power, my ego has been boosted a little. Besides, my kids at school think I'm pretty.
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