A Different Glimmer of Hope! (updated)
I have never denied that I am passive-aggressive. I think it is a required trait of musicians, particularly singers. We have an innate mastery of it, especially in rehearsal situations. "Maestro, I noticed the tenors are singing that note long while the rest of us are singing it short... which do you want?"
Of course, as I'm trying to control my desperation in wanting my ex back -- there, I said it plainly, I want him back, skeletons, scars, and all -- passive-aggressive techniques are about all I have at this time. I'm not going to directly reach out to him just yet; we both need time. I'm not going to text or email or show up at his home unannounced. But I am carefully maintaining what tenuous ties I still have to him.
The best tie I still have to him is LinkedIn. Now, I've said before that I think that LinkedIn is the red-headed step-child to other social media, but it does have its advantages. Until this morning, my involvement on LinkedIn was to a) have a reasonably updated profile and b) accept connection requests that were sent to me. I never spent any time on the site, I never sent my own connection requests. The ex, on the other hand, is on LinkedIn like I am on Facebook -- constantly. Given he's in the corporate world and someone who is very into networking, that makes sense. In the past 3 or so weeks, he's added at least 40 connections.
This morning, I received another LinkedIn connection invitation, this from a friend from high school that I'm still in touch with via... yep, Facebook. Not only did I decide to accept her request (a no-brainer), but I decided to go ahead and download the free LinkedIn app and actually become more involved on the network. I allowed it to access my contacts, and I went ahead and sent out a few bazillion connection requests. Okay, maybe 40, I don't know. So far, a dozen or so of them have already been accepted.
As I was poking around the app some, learning what it offers, I was pleasantly surprised to be reminded of some of the people I am already connected with. These people are friends and colleagues, and not on Facebook. While LinkedIn isn't really "social," as in the posting of statuses and quirky memes, it is still a connection. And among my connections: the ex. Still. I haven't been "defriended" or whatever LinkedIn's version is. Disconnected?
But that isn't why I'm grasping to a different glimmer of hope. That isn't why, in spite of the third (or fourth?) gloomy, rainy day in a row, in spite of not sleeping as well as I have been the past couple of nights (still trying to work out the ideal nighttime medication combination), in spite of a stressful weekend ahead, that I'm smiling.
Why are you smiling, Suz? What is giving you this glimmer of hope? What has happened? TELL US!!
LinkedIn has this feature wherein you can see who has recently viewed your profile. They are categorized by "Today," "Yesterday," and "More Than 2 Days Ago." I was surprised that in the thumbnail "teaser" I saw the ex, so I pulled up this profile viewed thingy.
According to the app, he viewed my profile yesterday. Yesterday.
Now there could be a myriad of reasons for this. Some are negative, such as, maybe he was considering "defriending" me. (To be honest, I don't know if that's possible on LinkedIn, but I'm pretty sure it has to be.) Some are fairly neutral. One example: I was supposed to have an interview for a job on Tuesday, but their search has been temporarily put on hold for an indefinite period of time. He knew well about the job and the interview, and even made a comment about how they might offer me the job on the spot. (Riiiiiight.) So, perhaps he was looking to see if I'd updated my work or anything, as he doesn't know the interview didn't happen. Or, he saw I had a new connection and looked to see if it was someone he might also know, given that locally we move in similar circles.
And then, in my need to grasp for positive signs, maybe... just maybe... he pulled up my profile because he misses me. I know he did that while we were dating. He thinks my profile picture is "hot."
Maybe I still have a chance.
Right now, I'm just going to take this at face value and try my darnedest to not read too much into it. I know I'll show up in his feed as someone who has X number of new connections. But like a small child with a precious treasure, I'm going to hang onto this little moment. The little steps, the little things, that help someone coming out of a broken relationship recover... this is one of them.
If my sudden decision to become more active on LinkedIn is my passive-aggressive tendencies coming out, so be it. Unlike the musician "questions," this passive-aggressive move will at least result in my connecting in a different way with more friends and colleagues. The musician "questions" mostly serve to piss off whoever is being indirectly targeted (usually tenors).
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance.
UPDATE: So just now -- Thursday at 3:20 p.m. CST -- I checked LinkedIn. I spent a little time today updating my profile, revising some of my job duties and adding an organization that I sing with. Guess who has viewed my profile today? Yup, the ex. I really don't know what to make of it, so I'm just going to keep praying what I've been praying. That's really, at this time, all I can do. Well, besides freak out... ha ha!
Of course, as I'm trying to control my desperation in wanting my ex back -- there, I said it plainly, I want him back, skeletons, scars, and all -- passive-aggressive techniques are about all I have at this time. I'm not going to directly reach out to him just yet; we both need time. I'm not going to text or email or show up at his home unannounced. But I am carefully maintaining what tenuous ties I still have to him.
The best tie I still have to him is LinkedIn. Now, I've said before that I think that LinkedIn is the red-headed step-child to other social media, but it does have its advantages. Until this morning, my involvement on LinkedIn was to a) have a reasonably updated profile and b) accept connection requests that were sent to me. I never spent any time on the site, I never sent my own connection requests. The ex, on the other hand, is on LinkedIn like I am on Facebook -- constantly. Given he's in the corporate world and someone who is very into networking, that makes sense. In the past 3 or so weeks, he's added at least 40 connections.
This morning, I received another LinkedIn connection invitation, this from a friend from high school that I'm still in touch with via... yep, Facebook. Not only did I decide to accept her request (a no-brainer), but I decided to go ahead and download the free LinkedIn app and actually become more involved on the network. I allowed it to access my contacts, and I went ahead and sent out a few bazillion connection requests. Okay, maybe 40, I don't know. So far, a dozen or so of them have already been accepted.
As I was poking around the app some, learning what it offers, I was pleasantly surprised to be reminded of some of the people I am already connected with. These people are friends and colleagues, and not on Facebook. While LinkedIn isn't really "social," as in the posting of statuses and quirky memes, it is still a connection. And among my connections: the ex. Still. I haven't been "defriended" or whatever LinkedIn's version is. Disconnected?
But that isn't why I'm grasping to a different glimmer of hope. That isn't why, in spite of the third (or fourth?) gloomy, rainy day in a row, in spite of not sleeping as well as I have been the past couple of nights (still trying to work out the ideal nighttime medication combination), in spite of a stressful weekend ahead, that I'm smiling.
Why are you smiling, Suz? What is giving you this glimmer of hope? What has happened? TELL US!!
LinkedIn has this feature wherein you can see who has recently viewed your profile. They are categorized by "Today," "Yesterday," and "More Than 2 Days Ago." I was surprised that in the thumbnail "teaser" I saw the ex, so I pulled up this profile viewed thingy.
According to the app, he viewed my profile yesterday. Yesterday.
Now there could be a myriad of reasons for this. Some are negative, such as, maybe he was considering "defriending" me. (To be honest, I don't know if that's possible on LinkedIn, but I'm pretty sure it has to be.) Some are fairly neutral. One example: I was supposed to have an interview for a job on Tuesday, but their search has been temporarily put on hold for an indefinite period of time. He knew well about the job and the interview, and even made a comment about how they might offer me the job on the spot. (Riiiiiight.) So, perhaps he was looking to see if I'd updated my work or anything, as he doesn't know the interview didn't happen. Or, he saw I had a new connection and looked to see if it was someone he might also know, given that locally we move in similar circles.
And then, in my need to grasp for positive signs, maybe... just maybe... he pulled up my profile because he misses me. I know he did that while we were dating. He thinks my profile picture is "hot."
Maybe I still have a chance.
Right now, I'm just going to take this at face value and try my darnedest to not read too much into it. I know I'll show up in his feed as someone who has X number of new connections. But like a small child with a precious treasure, I'm going to hang onto this little moment. The little steps, the little things, that help someone coming out of a broken relationship recover... this is one of them.
If my sudden decision to become more active on LinkedIn is my passive-aggressive tendencies coming out, so be it. Unlike the musician "questions," this passive-aggressive move will at least result in my connecting in a different way with more friends and colleagues. The musician "questions" mostly serve to piss off whoever is being indirectly targeted (usually tenors).
And maybe, just maybe, I still have a chance.
UPDATE: So just now -- Thursday at 3:20 p.m. CST -- I checked LinkedIn. I spent a little time today updating my profile, revising some of my job duties and adding an organization that I sing with. Guess who has viewed my profile today? Yup, the ex. I really don't know what to make of it, so I'm just going to keep praying what I've been praying. That's really, at this time, all I can do. Well, besides freak out... ha ha!
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