Processing... And More Info
It has only been about 9 or so hours. I'm not going to pull up the texts to check the timestamp, sorry. At about 4:30, I ended up at a dear friend's home, bottle of wine in hand, only to discover she doesn't own a corkscrew. But, she had a bottle of "Skinny Girl Margaritas." 2 hours later, and I'd consumed the entire thing. By myself. On an empty stomach.
We then made a run to a local store for her to buy a wine opener. We also hit a drive-thru; even though I wasn't hungry I knew I'd be better off if I ate something. A greasy cheeseburger and medium fry later, I downed two glasses of water and decided we probably shouldn't open the bottle of wine. I sobered up enough to drive and came home to face my demons.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that time is, to me, a "four letter word." Right now, it is the only thing I can do -- wait. I have been blessed with tons of love and support from friends on Facebook. My friend who was willing to get me completely and totally drunk tonight is only the first in a list of folks lining up to spend time with me and give me "therapy." This friend also let me vent. Completely vent. I shared with her details I haven't told anyone else.
I'm about to share a few of those here. Why? Because I am sure that some of you are prone to agree with ... the ex ... who inevitably thinks right now I'm a crazy bitch. It's only been two weeks! You decided on a "relationship" on your first date?! Are you NUTS?! Why are you moping and getting all depressed over THIS?
Here are some of the cards HE put on the table on the first date, or before, and perhaps this will explain a little more:
1. "How mobile are you?" What? "If I had to relocate for work, would you be able and willing to move with me?" Yes, friends. He said that on our first date.
2. I'd told him the story of how, when my parents met and before they'd even gone on their first date my dad told my mom she was "the woman God has intended for [him] to marry." On our first date, the ex said to me, "I'm not going to actually say your dad's line, but I'm thinking it."
3. From the first date, he was making plans for weeks, even months, into the future. Taking me home to meet the family (his parents are deceased, so it would've been cousins and friends who are like family). Road trips to the yacht club in MI where he has a membership. Concerts over a month out, would I be his date? Honestly, these bothered me a little from the beginning. He'd just met me, and he's talking about going out of town?
4. On our first date, he gave me a $500 gift card he had to an online sunglasses & accessories store, and told me to "pick us out stuff so we look great this summer."
5. I'm not one to normally share pillow talk, but among the memories seared into my brain are him saying things to me like, "the way our bodies fit together -- you were created just for me by God."
Let me make a couple things clear. First, he and I are both very spiritual people. Any talk of God, God's plan, etc., is something that we both take very seriously. For some of you, that may be red flags screaming "crazy!" Others of you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Secondly, although many of you have made comments about how spineless he is or what a douche he is for dumping me via text and being unwilling to talk, I do not think he is a jerk, asshole, douche-bag, or anything like that. I may, in an inebriated state, have said such adjectives, but in my heart I do not believe them. There is nothing to be gained with such negativity, at least for me.
I also have yet to shed a single tear over him. Not that I haven't wanted to. I came close, and then I got a call from a member of my church who wanted to tell me how much he appreciated today's music, blah blah blah, and it derailed my pity party. I've also come close to tears while reading the messages of support and love from friends, but those tears haven't been for him, they've been because I feel so loved. Will tears over him come? I don't know.
Meanwhile, according to my friends, I'm a fantastic catch, he's the one who has lost out, and he'll come groveling back because, by their accounts, he got what he'd been "asking" (praying) for and became scared and got cold feet. Maybe. Only time will tell.
We did have a rough post-break-up exchange via text. I mailed back to him the gift card, which I had not yet spent. I texted him to let him know, and asked him to let me know when it arrived. His reply was: "Thx! Take care! :)"
Really?! Exclamation points and a damn smiley face?
So I wrote back that he was "too damn happy" and "sorry I was apparently such a pain in the ass that he's so happy to be rid of me... such is life, live and learn!" He replied saying he "didn't know where that came from, and I think it best we don't communicate any more." I did send a long reply to that, apologizing, saying he DID NOT deserve the crazy train I'd unwillingly put him on, and that I hoped we'd still be able to communicate, blah blah blah. I also said I didn't blame him for not trusting a word I said, given my recent crazy moods.
No reply, not that I was honestly expecting one. I might hear from him when he gets the gift card back. I might not. I might hear from him in a week or two. I might not. The ball is in his court, and I need to just walk away. I've done it before. I know it is hard as hell, but I also know I can do it.
Through all this, I am trying my best to stay true to God and God's plan for my life. I struggle to believe that God would bring someone into my life like the ex only to yank him out so violently and painfully, but look at the book of Job. God teaches through pain, too. As it is, just over a week into the relationship, God tossed a monkey wrench. I do not want to set off unnecessary panic among some of my friends, so I cannot elaborate other than to say a mere 8 or so days into the relationship, and I was looking at having to choose between him and my career.
The friends who set us up know. L is coming for dinner on Friday night, while her husband and my ex are off on a prayer retreat. They are both very saddened -- L had said on the "blind date" that not only did she and her husband know we'd meet prior to the "blind date," but they believed we'd be married by the end of the year.
Frankly, I think the ex has some commitment issues. Since he's had two marriages turn into disasters, I can't necessarily blame him. Only a few days into the relationship, and in spite of all he'd said early on, he sent me an email making it clear that he 1) didn't want me to get hurt, 2) wasn't looking to get married right away nor was he 3) looking to "shack up," either. Well, duh. I wrote him back that I wasn't looking for that, either.
He also had two men in my life that he was always asking about. One is a mutual friend, and the ex was surprised that this friend had never tried to sleep with me. When it came to this friend, the ex would go to lengths to make sure the friend knew we were dating, etc. What lengths? For example, on Friday, after we'd had sex, he got a hold of my phone and texted this friend letting him know about it. Classy. Really classy. The other was J3, the boy toy, who the ex called "Gerber." After I texted him a couple weeks ago with the "my boyfriend says hi" message, I have not heard from him nor have I reached out. The ex was surprised by that, and thought the boy wasn't obviously pushy enough.
Did I make mistakes? I'm sure I did. I don't know exactly what I did, but I'm not sure that matters. As I told him from the start, I am who I am, period. I was more than willing to take him and the skeletons in his closet. Was he not willing to do the same? I have no idea. I can "coulda woulda shoulda" myself to death, but I know it isn't healthy.
The next week or so will be very, very hard. Tomorrow I will go into my office and have to deal with the framed picture of us sitting on my desk. It will be the final overt reminder -- I went crazy proactive and within 30 minutes of him dumping me I'd changed my Facebook relationship status, profile picture, the wallpaper picture on my phone, his personalized texting tone, and even the picture that comes up when he calls. And right now I am thankful that he never did come into my bed, for I can lay here without painful memories.
Sleep is another factor, but I'm hoping all the insomnia meds I took will take care of that. And besides, I have cable and wireless internet.
We then made a run to a local store for her to buy a wine opener. We also hit a drive-thru; even though I wasn't hungry I knew I'd be better off if I ate something. A greasy cheeseburger and medium fry later, I downed two glasses of water and decided we probably shouldn't open the bottle of wine. I sobered up enough to drive and came home to face my demons.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that time is, to me, a "four letter word." Right now, it is the only thing I can do -- wait. I have been blessed with tons of love and support from friends on Facebook. My friend who was willing to get me completely and totally drunk tonight is only the first in a list of folks lining up to spend time with me and give me "therapy." This friend also let me vent. Completely vent. I shared with her details I haven't told anyone else.
I'm about to share a few of those here. Why? Because I am sure that some of you are prone to agree with ... the ex ... who inevitably thinks right now I'm a crazy bitch. It's only been two weeks! You decided on a "relationship" on your first date?! Are you NUTS?! Why are you moping and getting all depressed over THIS?
Here are some of the cards HE put on the table on the first date, or before, and perhaps this will explain a little more:
1. "How mobile are you?" What? "If I had to relocate for work, would you be able and willing to move with me?" Yes, friends. He said that on our first date.
2. I'd told him the story of how, when my parents met and before they'd even gone on their first date my dad told my mom she was "the woman God has intended for [him] to marry." On our first date, the ex said to me, "I'm not going to actually say your dad's line, but I'm thinking it."
3. From the first date, he was making plans for weeks, even months, into the future. Taking me home to meet the family (his parents are deceased, so it would've been cousins and friends who are like family). Road trips to the yacht club in MI where he has a membership. Concerts over a month out, would I be his date? Honestly, these bothered me a little from the beginning. He'd just met me, and he's talking about going out of town?
4. On our first date, he gave me a $500 gift card he had to an online sunglasses & accessories store, and told me to "pick us out stuff so we look great this summer."
5. I'm not one to normally share pillow talk, but among the memories seared into my brain are him saying things to me like, "the way our bodies fit together -- you were created just for me by God."
Let me make a couple things clear. First, he and I are both very spiritual people. Any talk of God, God's plan, etc., is something that we both take very seriously. For some of you, that may be red flags screaming "crazy!" Others of you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Secondly, although many of you have made comments about how spineless he is or what a douche he is for dumping me via text and being unwilling to talk, I do not think he is a jerk, asshole, douche-bag, or anything like that. I may, in an inebriated state, have said such adjectives, but in my heart I do not believe them. There is nothing to be gained with such negativity, at least for me.
I also have yet to shed a single tear over him. Not that I haven't wanted to. I came close, and then I got a call from a member of my church who wanted to tell me how much he appreciated today's music, blah blah blah, and it derailed my pity party. I've also come close to tears while reading the messages of support and love from friends, but those tears haven't been for him, they've been because I feel so loved. Will tears over him come? I don't know.
Meanwhile, according to my friends, I'm a fantastic catch, he's the one who has lost out, and he'll come groveling back because, by their accounts, he got what he'd been "asking" (praying) for and became scared and got cold feet. Maybe. Only time will tell.
We did have a rough post-break-up exchange via text. I mailed back to him the gift card, which I had not yet spent. I texted him to let him know, and asked him to let me know when it arrived. His reply was: "Thx! Take care! :)"
Really?! Exclamation points and a damn smiley face?
So I wrote back that he was "too damn happy" and "sorry I was apparently such a pain in the ass that he's so happy to be rid of me... such is life, live and learn!" He replied saying he "didn't know where that came from, and I think it best we don't communicate any more." I did send a long reply to that, apologizing, saying he DID NOT deserve the crazy train I'd unwillingly put him on, and that I hoped we'd still be able to communicate, blah blah blah. I also said I didn't blame him for not trusting a word I said, given my recent crazy moods.
No reply, not that I was honestly expecting one. I might hear from him when he gets the gift card back. I might not. I might hear from him in a week or two. I might not. The ball is in his court, and I need to just walk away. I've done it before. I know it is hard as hell, but I also know I can do it.
Through all this, I am trying my best to stay true to God and God's plan for my life. I struggle to believe that God would bring someone into my life like the ex only to yank him out so violently and painfully, but look at the book of Job. God teaches through pain, too. As it is, just over a week into the relationship, God tossed a monkey wrench. I do not want to set off unnecessary panic among some of my friends, so I cannot elaborate other than to say a mere 8 or so days into the relationship, and I was looking at having to choose between him and my career.
The friends who set us up know. L is coming for dinner on Friday night, while her husband and my ex are off on a prayer retreat. They are both very saddened -- L had said on the "blind date" that not only did she and her husband know we'd meet prior to the "blind date," but they believed we'd be married by the end of the year.
Frankly, I think the ex has some commitment issues. Since he's had two marriages turn into disasters, I can't necessarily blame him. Only a few days into the relationship, and in spite of all he'd said early on, he sent me an email making it clear that he 1) didn't want me to get hurt, 2) wasn't looking to get married right away nor was he 3) looking to "shack up," either. Well, duh. I wrote him back that I wasn't looking for that, either.
He also had two men in my life that he was always asking about. One is a mutual friend, and the ex was surprised that this friend had never tried to sleep with me. When it came to this friend, the ex would go to lengths to make sure the friend knew we were dating, etc. What lengths? For example, on Friday, after we'd had sex, he got a hold of my phone and texted this friend letting him know about it. Classy. Really classy. The other was J3, the boy toy, who the ex called "Gerber." After I texted him a couple weeks ago with the "my boyfriend says hi" message, I have not heard from him nor have I reached out. The ex was surprised by that, and thought the boy wasn't obviously pushy enough.
Did I make mistakes? I'm sure I did. I don't know exactly what I did, but I'm not sure that matters. As I told him from the start, I am who I am, period. I was more than willing to take him and the skeletons in his closet. Was he not willing to do the same? I have no idea. I can "coulda woulda shoulda" myself to death, but I know it isn't healthy.
The next week or so will be very, very hard. Tomorrow I will go into my office and have to deal with the framed picture of us sitting on my desk. It will be the final overt reminder -- I went crazy proactive and within 30 minutes of him dumping me I'd changed my Facebook relationship status, profile picture, the wallpaper picture on my phone, his personalized texting tone, and even the picture that comes up when he calls. And right now I am thankful that he never did come into my bed, for I can lay here without painful memories.
Sleep is another factor, but I'm hoping all the insomnia meds I took will take care of that. And besides, I have cable and wireless internet.
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