Friends (Updated)
Not quite 24 hours. I'm struggling. I have good times, and I have really bad ones. I've finally shed some tears -- not a great big "boo hoo" like I feel I need -- but I have had a little bit of water works. However, the tears have not been over the boy, they've been over the flooding of love and support I've received from you all.
My two last posts have hit 100+ views. Prior to these posts, my most-viewed post had 57 hits. I'm stunned. I'm shocked. Part of it was going 110% public again on Facebook with the URL, I know. But another part of it is simply I have so many wonderful friends who want to know what is going on so you can support me. This blog is a major source of therapy for me, no doubt.
Okay, a few of you are just rubbernecking at the wreck my life has become. But, that's okay.
This morning I went to breakfast with a dear friend. We'd set up this time originally to discuss something going on in her life, and then suddenly it became all about me. Two hours, two pots of coffee, some laughs, some tears. Answers? Not really, but are there really answers to be had right now? Between our conversation and the messages and chats I've been getting via Facebook, Words With Friends, and other social mediums, the consensus of my friends is clear.
This is not my fault.
But what my head knows and what my heart feels are two different things.
Relationships are complicated. They are hard. They require work. The more serious and deep the connection, the more challenging the problems. My friends who have chimed in are shocked, stunned by what happened and what he did. It makes no more sense to them than it does to me. If he really felt what he said he was feeling with the long-term stuff, why not work through this? Why just walk away, and then cut off communication?
From their perspective, there has to be something more going on than just the fact I have depression and/or cats. More and more folks think he's gotten cold feet, and this is a convenient time to pull out before it goes too far. Over and over during our two weeks together he'd say to me, "I don't want you to get hurt." Now I wonder if he was saying that for himself more than for me.
My friend this morning speculated after asking me some insightful questions that he realized he wasn't in my league. That was a mind-blower for me, because I never felt he was anything less than me. However, looking back, I can see some of what she was drawing on. For example, on Thursday we went to hear a concert at the big new performing arts center downtown. He's been in the arts circles in town for years and knows a lot of people. But as we were milling around enjoying a cocktail before the concert, I was the one being sought out by fellow concert-going friends, hugged, fawned over. The friends of his weren't so overtly happy to see him. Perhaps he saw a future of being the diva's sidekick as opposed to me being something the dominant male could show off. And maybe I'm just making up shit to make myself feel better.
My friends are mostly convinced he'll be back in touch at some point. I'm undecided, leaning towards, "I'm never going to hear from him again." However, I'm not exactly in the best frame of mind right now, either! I do have one feeling in my gut: he is spending this week in preparation for a prayer retreat, and then, obviously, going on the retreat. Because of my faith, and because of what I saw in his faith, if he is willing to allow God to work I think this could be a turning point. At the same time, I am steeling myself for the worst, whatever that may be. And I'm doing it with the support of my friends.
A dear friend of mine asked for my address. She wants to send me a great book, so I complied. Turns out there are 4 books she's sending me. My secretary gladly went into my office before I came in, destroyed the picture on my desk, and put the frame away in some cabinet somewhere. She then brought me a box of little chocolate covered caramels. My Facebook inbox has been overflowing with messages of love and support from friends near and far, new and old. Almost every one of them has caused some aspect of crying. Friends writing me saying, "I know we're not close, but know that I feel your pain and am thinking of you" and "you are intelligent, beautiful, sexy, a fantastic catch, and you are loved by me, your friends, and God" among other things stir in me emotions I can't always contain. In fact, as I type this paragraph, I'm stopping every sentence to cry.
Depression is nasty. It fills your head with demons that undermine you at every turn. Therapy techniques have helped me stay on top of it for the past 7+ years. This time, I need something more. In about an hour I am seeing my doctor to go back on medication. I know it isn't a silver bullet, it won't magically fix everything, and I know the ex won't know about it and think, "hey, maybe I should give her a second chance." It will help me begin to cope, to be able to sleep, to be able to function.
Thank you, all. I wouldn't be able to do this without my cyberspace support group!
UPDATE: My doctor confirmed that my current severe depressive episode was indeed caused by the Depo-Provera. I am returning to a former regimen of anti-depressant medications, and in spite of this break-up, she does not feel I need to return to therapy right now. Small blessings, I suppose. Of course, upon getting this information, I desperately wanted to text the ex. "My doctor confirmed it's the drug! Really, I'm not a head case!" But, I didn't, and I won't. I am hitting that point where when I check my mail on my phone, I'm still holding my breath to see if he's emailed -- but of course he won't -- and so checking my mail is causing anxiety. My doctor, while not a therapist, agrees that he needs to hear through mutual friends that I'm doing better and that I need to leave the ball in his court. She came to this conclusion after getting the barest of bare bones information, but I still think she's right.
My two last posts have hit 100+ views. Prior to these posts, my most-viewed post had 57 hits. I'm stunned. I'm shocked. Part of it was going 110% public again on Facebook with the URL, I know. But another part of it is simply I have so many wonderful friends who want to know what is going on so you can support me. This blog is a major source of therapy for me, no doubt.
Okay, a few of you are just rubbernecking at the wreck my life has become. But, that's okay.
This morning I went to breakfast with a dear friend. We'd set up this time originally to discuss something going on in her life, and then suddenly it became all about me. Two hours, two pots of coffee, some laughs, some tears. Answers? Not really, but are there really answers to be had right now? Between our conversation and the messages and chats I've been getting via Facebook, Words With Friends, and other social mediums, the consensus of my friends is clear.
This is not my fault.
But what my head knows and what my heart feels are two different things.
Relationships are complicated. They are hard. They require work. The more serious and deep the connection, the more challenging the problems. My friends who have chimed in are shocked, stunned by what happened and what he did. It makes no more sense to them than it does to me. If he really felt what he said he was feeling with the long-term stuff, why not work through this? Why just walk away, and then cut off communication?
From their perspective, there has to be something more going on than just the fact I have depression and/or cats. More and more folks think he's gotten cold feet, and this is a convenient time to pull out before it goes too far. Over and over during our two weeks together he'd say to me, "I don't want you to get hurt." Now I wonder if he was saying that for himself more than for me.
My friend this morning speculated after asking me some insightful questions that he realized he wasn't in my league. That was a mind-blower for me, because I never felt he was anything less than me. However, looking back, I can see some of what she was drawing on. For example, on Thursday we went to hear a concert at the big new performing arts center downtown. He's been in the arts circles in town for years and knows a lot of people. But as we were milling around enjoying a cocktail before the concert, I was the one being sought out by fellow concert-going friends, hugged, fawned over. The friends of his weren't so overtly happy to see him. Perhaps he saw a future of being the diva's sidekick as opposed to me being something the dominant male could show off. And maybe I'm just making up shit to make myself feel better.
My friends are mostly convinced he'll be back in touch at some point. I'm undecided, leaning towards, "I'm never going to hear from him again." However, I'm not exactly in the best frame of mind right now, either! I do have one feeling in my gut: he is spending this week in preparation for a prayer retreat, and then, obviously, going on the retreat. Because of my faith, and because of what I saw in his faith, if he is willing to allow God to work I think this could be a turning point. At the same time, I am steeling myself for the worst, whatever that may be. And I'm doing it with the support of my friends.
A dear friend of mine asked for my address. She wants to send me a great book, so I complied. Turns out there are 4 books she's sending me. My secretary gladly went into my office before I came in, destroyed the picture on my desk, and put the frame away in some cabinet somewhere. She then brought me a box of little chocolate covered caramels. My Facebook inbox has been overflowing with messages of love and support from friends near and far, new and old. Almost every one of them has caused some aspect of crying. Friends writing me saying, "I know we're not close, but know that I feel your pain and am thinking of you" and "you are intelligent, beautiful, sexy, a fantastic catch, and you are loved by me, your friends, and God" among other things stir in me emotions I can't always contain. In fact, as I type this paragraph, I'm stopping every sentence to cry.
Depression is nasty. It fills your head with demons that undermine you at every turn. Therapy techniques have helped me stay on top of it for the past 7+ years. This time, I need something more. In about an hour I am seeing my doctor to go back on medication. I know it isn't a silver bullet, it won't magically fix everything, and I know the ex won't know about it and think, "hey, maybe I should give her a second chance." It will help me begin to cope, to be able to sleep, to be able to function.
Thank you, all. I wouldn't be able to do this without my cyberspace support group!
UPDATE: My doctor confirmed that my current severe depressive episode was indeed caused by the Depo-Provera. I am returning to a former regimen of anti-depressant medications, and in spite of this break-up, she does not feel I need to return to therapy right now. Small blessings, I suppose. Of course, upon getting this information, I desperately wanted to text the ex. "My doctor confirmed it's the drug! Really, I'm not a head case!" But, I didn't, and I won't. I am hitting that point where when I check my mail on my phone, I'm still holding my breath to see if he's emailed -- but of course he won't -- and so checking my mail is causing anxiety. My doctor, while not a therapist, agrees that he needs to hear through mutual friends that I'm doing better and that I need to leave the ball in his court. She came to this conclusion after getting the barest of bare bones information, but I still think she's right.
Comments
Post a Comment
We are all adults here. Comments are welcome, but they are also moderated because there has been a marked increase in spam, trolling, and generally snarky and nasty comments being submitted. Different opinions are welcome when expressed maturely; rude comments and links will not be published.