Something Good
Yesterday as I was pulling into the pharmacy, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. Written by Laura Story, the song was inspired by her working through the diagnosis of her husband's brain tumor. While my losing a boyfriend of two weeks, combined with a crazy drug side effect, is certainly not in the spouse-with-brain-tumor category, the song no less resonated.
Called "Blessings," the final chorus is:
What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
Is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are Your mercies in disguise?
In spite of all my doom and gloom, be it from the break up or from the Depo, in spite of the overcast, gray skies, and the chaos in our country, today was the beginning of some glimmers of hope, assurances of recovery. My Christian faith is certainly no secret on this blog; I've made dozens of references recently to "God's plan," "prayer," and even quoted Bible verses. What I've been praying has been, in a nutshell, this: that God would work on both of our hearts and show us His path, be it reconciliation, or if not, that He would guide us to where we should be and give us the tools to get through this.
Of course, that makes the great assumption that the ex is also, at some level, upset by the end of this relationship. Given how perky his break-up and post-break-up texts were, it is hard to be convinced, but anyone can appear happy via text, even when they aren't.
Perhaps my glimmers of hope are God's way of preparing me for the path I honestly don't want -- the one that leads away from the ex -- or maybe they are God's way of preparing me for reconciliation. I don't know. All I know is that I have happy things to report, in part because I am making a concerted effort to move forward.
1. The medications are already helping greatly. I'm not one of those people who is anti-prescription medication, but I am, at the same time, someone who thinks about what chemicals I put into my body. (Irony: I'm writing this as I'm inhaling Taco Bell. Don't judge.) If I don't need prescription medications, I won't take them. But when I do, I am glad they are there. After only one full day of the anti-depressant medications, I can feel a difference in my mood. Even though overall I'm happier, I'm still sad and at times close to tears, but not nearly as close as I have been. The manic episodes are fewer and less hyper. I feel much more level, more even-keel. I still dread bedtime and other situations that can ratchet up my depression-induced anxiety, but it's only been one day.
2. I am gaining a new perspective on me. The words my friends have been using to describe me have come as a surprise to me at times. I'm starting to realize that maybe I should actually believe them, that they aren't just blowing sunshine up my skirt. Even the ex was surprised at how I viewed myself; he questioned why I don't think I'm "beautiful." Today when my pastor asked me how I was doing, and I told him the meds were helping and the mountains were more like hills, he said, "Pshaw. You can handle hills with no problem." And maybe he's right.
3. I am inspiring others. There is a stigma in our society, even today with all the drug commercials on TV and all, when it comes to mental health. I am choosing to deal with my depression, and to do it publicly. I'm not hiding behind a mask, trying to convince the world I am "fine." I have been told by friends that they are glad I'm doing this, and their reasons vary. I'm not going to list them, as I feel they have entrusted me with special information, but I am getting happiness from knowing I am helping others.
4. I have really great friends, even very casual ones. Sure, my close friends I know are there for me. My good, but not as close, friends as well. It's the ones whose names I barely know that are surprising me. I reported on this morning's post about my yoga class and them wanting to go "talk" to my ex. This morning, I told my Zumba class that over the weekend my boyfriend had broken up with me and I was still struggling with that. These ladies I've only been teaching for maybe 6 weeks or so, and most of their names I ashamedly don't know. Their reaction to the news was immediate and even harsh. We'll just say they're in the "he's an asshole" camp. One of them suggested that I look into moving to the US Virgin Islands, where her daughter is. Apparently there are "a lot of jobs" there.
No offense to her, but the end of a two week relationship, even one as intense and serious as this was, is not grounds to move to what is basically another country.
Still, being that I teach for a Christian-based organization, many of them talked openly with me after class about God, faith, and prayer. I am glad I have them on Tuesday mornings.
5. I am feeling like I'm becoming the Taylor Swift of Contemporary Christian Music. When P and I stopped seeing each other, I was a little upset. Nothing like I am now, of course, but that was a very different relationship. Still, with that and I think something else going on in my life, I dealt with it by writing a praise and prayer song. My praise team and I sang it once as a special, and my congregation really liked it, but it was certainly not Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman in caliber. Today, I did the same. Inspired by the Proverbs verse I posted earlier as well as Jeremiah 29:11, I wrote a song about hope and trusting in the plans that God has for us. I'm not one to be pride-filled, but I'm rather pleased with this one. I may or may not add another verse; as I told my team when I sent it to them, it will depend on if God gives me one.
6. I think I know how I'll handle the ex. I'm working on the assumption that I'll never hear from him because of what he said in his last text. (That still causes me pain, and will for some time.) I mailed back to him that gift card, and before he decided we should not communicate he'd agreed to let me know when it arrived. This time next week, if I still haven't heard from him, I will email him to confirm that he received it. I will also mention that my doctor gave me some great stuff about the Depo-induced depression, that I'm temporarily on medication to level me out until the Depo is out of my system, and that I feel as normal as I did when I first met him. Knowing that, I hope that someday he'll be willing to give me enough of a second chance where we could try to be friends, sharing the occasional drink or concert.
No desperate declarations of love, no demands of getting back together, no time line, no multi-page missive. Just a reminder that the door is open, and the information that I'm doing better. It will be up to him to first, believe what I'm saying, and second, decide if he wants to give me a chance at being friends. Of course, deep in my heart I'm hoping and praying that he'll reach out to me before then, but I have to remain realistic.
Until then, I'm looking for the positive, the "mercies in disguise."
Called "Blessings," the final chorus is:
What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
Is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are Your mercies in disguise?
In spite of all my doom and gloom, be it from the break up or from the Depo, in spite of the overcast, gray skies, and the chaos in our country, today was the beginning of some glimmers of hope, assurances of recovery. My Christian faith is certainly no secret on this blog; I've made dozens of references recently to "God's plan," "prayer," and even quoted Bible verses. What I've been praying has been, in a nutshell, this: that God would work on both of our hearts and show us His path, be it reconciliation, or if not, that He would guide us to where we should be and give us the tools to get through this.
Of course, that makes the great assumption that the ex is also, at some level, upset by the end of this relationship. Given how perky his break-up and post-break-up texts were, it is hard to be convinced, but anyone can appear happy via text, even when they aren't.
Perhaps my glimmers of hope are God's way of preparing me for the path I honestly don't want -- the one that leads away from the ex -- or maybe they are God's way of preparing me for reconciliation. I don't know. All I know is that I have happy things to report, in part because I am making a concerted effort to move forward.
1. The medications are already helping greatly. I'm not one of those people who is anti-prescription medication, but I am, at the same time, someone who thinks about what chemicals I put into my body. (Irony: I'm writing this as I'm inhaling Taco Bell. Don't judge.) If I don't need prescription medications, I won't take them. But when I do, I am glad they are there. After only one full day of the anti-depressant medications, I can feel a difference in my mood. Even though overall I'm happier, I'm still sad and at times close to tears, but not nearly as close as I have been. The manic episodes are fewer and less hyper. I feel much more level, more even-keel. I still dread bedtime and other situations that can ratchet up my depression-induced anxiety, but it's only been one day.
2. I am gaining a new perspective on me. The words my friends have been using to describe me have come as a surprise to me at times. I'm starting to realize that maybe I should actually believe them, that they aren't just blowing sunshine up my skirt. Even the ex was surprised at how I viewed myself; he questioned why I don't think I'm "beautiful." Today when my pastor asked me how I was doing, and I told him the meds were helping and the mountains were more like hills, he said, "Pshaw. You can handle hills with no problem." And maybe he's right.
3. I am inspiring others. There is a stigma in our society, even today with all the drug commercials on TV and all, when it comes to mental health. I am choosing to deal with my depression, and to do it publicly. I'm not hiding behind a mask, trying to convince the world I am "fine." I have been told by friends that they are glad I'm doing this, and their reasons vary. I'm not going to list them, as I feel they have entrusted me with special information, but I am getting happiness from knowing I am helping others.
4. I have really great friends, even very casual ones. Sure, my close friends I know are there for me. My good, but not as close, friends as well. It's the ones whose names I barely know that are surprising me. I reported on this morning's post about my yoga class and them wanting to go "talk" to my ex. This morning, I told my Zumba class that over the weekend my boyfriend had broken up with me and I was still struggling with that. These ladies I've only been teaching for maybe 6 weeks or so, and most of their names I ashamedly don't know. Their reaction to the news was immediate and even harsh. We'll just say they're in the "he's an asshole" camp. One of them suggested that I look into moving to the US Virgin Islands, where her daughter is. Apparently there are "a lot of jobs" there.
No offense to her, but the end of a two week relationship, even one as intense and serious as this was, is not grounds to move to what is basically another country.
Still, being that I teach for a Christian-based organization, many of them talked openly with me after class about God, faith, and prayer. I am glad I have them on Tuesday mornings.
5. I am feeling like I'm becoming the Taylor Swift of Contemporary Christian Music. When P and I stopped seeing each other, I was a little upset. Nothing like I am now, of course, but that was a very different relationship. Still, with that and I think something else going on in my life, I dealt with it by writing a praise and prayer song. My praise team and I sang it once as a special, and my congregation really liked it, but it was certainly not Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman in caliber. Today, I did the same. Inspired by the Proverbs verse I posted earlier as well as Jeremiah 29:11, I wrote a song about hope and trusting in the plans that God has for us. I'm not one to be pride-filled, but I'm rather pleased with this one. I may or may not add another verse; as I told my team when I sent it to them, it will depend on if God gives me one.
6. I think I know how I'll handle the ex. I'm working on the assumption that I'll never hear from him because of what he said in his last text. (That still causes me pain, and will for some time.) I mailed back to him that gift card, and before he decided we should not communicate he'd agreed to let me know when it arrived. This time next week, if I still haven't heard from him, I will email him to confirm that he received it. I will also mention that my doctor gave me some great stuff about the Depo-induced depression, that I'm temporarily on medication to level me out until the Depo is out of my system, and that I feel as normal as I did when I first met him. Knowing that, I hope that someday he'll be willing to give me enough of a second chance where we could try to be friends, sharing the occasional drink or concert.
No desperate declarations of love, no demands of getting back together, no time line, no multi-page missive. Just a reminder that the door is open, and the information that I'm doing better. It will be up to him to first, believe what I'm saying, and second, decide if he wants to give me a chance at being friends. Of course, deep in my heart I'm hoping and praying that he'll reach out to me before then, but I have to remain realistic.
Until then, I'm looking for the positive, the "mercies in disguise."
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