Well-Intentioned Words

We've all been there.  We've been the one with the broken heart.  We've also been the one who has dealt with a friend who has a broken heart.  As compassionate humans, we want to help.  We hate seeing our friends suffering, and we have this desire to fix it and make it all better.  We feel like we "need to do something."

On September 9, 1999, in a freak in-class moment, I broke my left leg and did other extensive orthopedic damage to my ankle and knee.  In the blink of an eye, I went from completely ambulatory, dancing ballet, to unable to bear weight on one of my legs.  It took 3 surgeries and several months of physical therapy for me to be able to walk "normally" again.  I have hardware in my leg, and will for the rest of my life. 

I veer into this odd tangent because it has two lessons for me right now.  First, broken bones that have healed are actually stronger than the bones that have not been broken.  The body has flooded that area with so much calcium and nutrient-rich blood, it can't help but be stronger.  Think of it as being reinforced.  Secondly, even though the doctors went in and physically screwed the broken parts back together within 18 hours of the injury, it didn't heal me.  I didn't get up off the operating table and start walking again.  What healed me was time.

I don't know if a broken heart will be stronger than it was before.  It took months for my broken bone to completely heal, and every now and then it still gives me a little issue.  But it healed, and that is what is important.  I trust my heart will do the same.

After an overall good day yesterday, so far today is a step backward.  Perhaps it is because I'm seeing my school kiddos.  While they usually bring me joy, seeing their sweet faces while my eyes are sad will be hard.  They are too young to understand the truth of my pain, and their hugs and well-meaning actions may be more than I can bear.  Already I've had to "shut down" my 7th graders, who wanted to know why I was not as happy as I have been, and why I'd "had a bad weekend and start to my week."  I told them that was my business, not theirs.  They didn't like that answer, but they didn't press.

Perhaps another reason I feel I'm taking a step backward is that the flood of support from friends is dwindling to a small stream.  Like a dam that broke, the initial onrush was amazing, overwhelming even.  Now that everyone has done the kind, yet at times obligatory, "reach out to her," they are able to sit back and just watch as they so desire... or, even steer clear of me. 

I mean, let's face it, depressed people aren't exactly a barrel of monkeys.  No one says, "hey, let's go hang out with a depressed person!  That'll be fun!!"

And perhaps a big reason I'm taking a step backwards (so far) today, is because I'm finally able to figure out why some of the honestly well-intentioned comments I've gotten from friends are actually not helping.  So, a few words of advice from me to all of you.  Not everything I'm writing here I have heard in the past few days.  These come not only from my own current experience, but also from having counseled friends through their own relationship ends and broken marriages.  Admittedly, I may re-read this a month, three months, a year from now and think, "What was I thinking?" but for now, this is where I am.

10 Things You Probably Shouldn't Say to Your Recently Broken-Hearted and Now Depressed Friend

The key word is recently.  As in, within the first week or two after a break-up.  Some of these things are fine when said a month or two after the tragedy.

1. "You should move and get a fresh start."  Psychologists have said that the three most stressful things anyone will ever face are the beginning/end of a relationship, a job change, and moving residences.  If someone is already under water with the first, adding the other two isn't going to help them surface.  Yes, in some cases, a clean break and a fresh start is a good thing, but the person needs to decide that for themselves.  In general, for someone who is depressed, keeping as much of their life as stable and normal as possible is crucial to recovery.

2. "Obviously there's someone better out there for you."  Your friend spent a lot of time finding their most recent love and they invested a lot in the relationship.  If they hadn't, they wouldn't be taking the break-up so hard.  Depending on the relationship, things such as living together, marriage, and other major milestones may have been in play.  Regardless, they were happy with their relationship -- otherwise they probably wouldn't have been in it.  While this statement, the "someone better out there," may indeed be true, saying it in the first week or so after a break-up doesn't help because every time the wounded person hears it, all they can think of is the great times, the good qualities, the happiness they had with their ex -- those things they no longer have.

3. "This is God's plan."  Theologists debate whether or not God's plan includes pain.  There are plenty of scriptures about how God teaches through disciplining His children, but He is also a loving God who mourns when His children are hurting.  There is also a great deal of debate about how overriding and powerful God's plan is.  I am of the camp that believes that God's plan is indeed powerful, but we have to be open to it; that we, as humans, have the option to defy God's plan.  You know, the concept of "free will" that caused Eve to eat the apple -- and likewise Adam.  That same thing that allowed Jonah to run away, initially, from God's instructions.  My father, the Baptist minister, believes that God's plan will overpower anything we do.  No matter which camp you are in, while in the throes of heartache is too soon for someone to be wondering why God would bring someone into their life only to pull them out so painfully.  Maybe it is God's plan, but they will need some time to regain a somewhat normal perspective before they can see it as clearly as you might.

4. "We should go get drunk."  Alcohol is a very temporary balm, and in general self-destructive behavior doesn't help anything.  Yes, I went and downed an entire bottle of "Skinny Girl Margaritas" within a few hours of being dumped.  But, I sobered up and went home and haven't had a drink since.  Intoxicated people do dumb things, even when in "safe" environments like a friend's house.  They say things they shouldn't, they get their hopes up (or unnecessarily down), and they may do something stupid, like call or text the ex out of desperation.  Alcohol is a nervous system depressive.  It numbs you, that's for sure, but it is short-lived, and the next morning's residue makes an already bad situation that much worse.  Yes, take your friend out for a drink or two, but that's it.  If they want to get drunk, give them a safe place and try to lovingly discourage it.

5. "Maybe now you can move on to dating _________."  This was actually said to a friend of mine, who happens to be gay.  His partner of 14+ years, 2 bought houses, 3 dogs, and countless memories, left him for another man.  My friend's mother, as well-intentioned as she was, said this to him less than a week after he was asked to move out of the house he and his partner had just bought together a few months previous.  (To add insult to injury, her suggestion was a woman, and that this 'divorce' was his time to 'try being straight.')  Rebounds aren't for everyone.  Some people deal with a broken relationship by dating someone who is a total opposite of their ex, or jumping into bed with someone they'd otherwise never sleep with.  It is a need to feel alive, or to get revenge on the ex, or to fill the gaping hole in their hearts that is missing a certain kind of "love."  If they rebound, so be it.  But before you suggest someone you think would be "perfect" for them, they need time to heal, and following one serious relationship with another in rapid succession is rarely helpful.  As right as you may be, make the suggestion when they are in a better state of mind.  (And the person you think would be perfect for your friend probably doesn't want to be set up with someone just out of a relationship, either.)

6. "Well, your ex was a ________________." or "You're better off without them."  As your friend is hurting and reeling from the shock of an ended relationship is not really the best time for them to find out their friends actually didn't like the ex or thought the ex was bad for them.  While they are wondering what they did wrong to cause the relationship to end, adding to their mental mix the idea that those they trusted were thinking that the relationship was a mistake and they never said anything just makes things worse.  Sure, your intention is to help them "get over" the ex by helping them see things about them other than roses, glitter, and rainbows, but statements like this often carry collateral damage.  Let your hurting friend come to this conclusion on their own and in a fairly level mental state, and then you can agree with them.

7. "They'll be back."  This statement is a double-edged sword.  It is both helpful and hurtful.  It has cut me both ways in the past few days.  I trust the outside insight of my friends, their perspective that isn't clouded by insider information about the ex, to see the situation and come to their own conclusions.  Maybe they are right, maybe he will be back.  But at the same time, I go through periods where I feel like that statement is false hope, because they don't know him and all they know, no matter how open and honest I've been, is my side of the story.  Because so many think "he'll be back," I'm more obsessive than ever about checking my phone for text messages and emails, seeing if he has indeed decided to reinstate contact.  (Confession: I changed his text tone back to his custom one, but before you whip me with a wet noodle, here's why: when I'd returned him to my default tone, every text I got filled me with anxiety and panic.  Is it him?  Is he contacting me again?  This way, I know it isn't him.)  Unless you know very well both parties involved in the now-broken relationship, this statement isn't yours to make.

8. "Take some time off./Don't come into work."  Depressed people need to keep busy, whether they want to or not.  I appreciate one of my bosses giving me the leeway to do whatever I need for me, but at the same time, I need to stay with my normal routine as much as possible.  The last thing I need is to also feel like I'm behind at work.  This morning, I admit I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day.  However, I did.  There will be times where someone with depression will need time off -- they might need to see a doctor or therapist, or perhaps they need to do something that is a different kind of therapy for them.  But just giving them "time off" when they have no plans makes their situation worse.  Among the thoughts in their heads will be, "Wow, no one wants to be around me.  First the ex, now my boss/coworkers..." and "I have nothing to do, no reason to be living."  I know those sound harsh, severe.  Welcome to the reality of depression.  Depressed people don't think logically.

9. "If you want him back, you should ____________."  Every relationship is different.  What helped you get back your ex may not work in this situation.  Your advice might be helpful, but it is better if you phrased it more along the lines of, "You know, I've been there.  I eventually did ______ and I got him back.  Maybe at the right time that will work for you."  The other statement can be interpreted as a bit self-inflated, as if anyone has all the answers about relationships.  And while, say, showing up at your ex's house wearing nothing but a trench coat worked for you, their ex may view that as trashy and desperate and further justification of the break-up.  We also have to realize that while your friend may want their ex back, maybe they really are better off without them.

10. "I think you should be on medication/in therapy."  Again, this is a bit of semantics.  Unless you are a trained professional in mental health, it is never your place to tell someone they should be on mood-altering medications or in therapy -- even if you are correct.  Suggesting it, as in, "Have you thought about making an appointment with your doctor," or "When I went through this, my doctor put me on ______/I was seeing therapist so-and-so, and it helped me.  Maybe you should consider that?" is different.  Ultimately, prescription medications are a personal decision, and not everyone benefits from therapy.  There are other alternatives to prescriptions and therapy, such as acupuncture (it has helped me in the past) and self-guided forms of therapy.  The choice is your friend's to make.  And under no circumstances should you give your friend your old medications.  Dosages are carefully determined by doctors after taking into consideration many, many factors, and some drugs have to be gradually ramped up in your system.  This is coming from someone who is allergic to two different anti-depressants; I don't need to end up in the emergency room again because I took something I shouldn't have.

Every situation -- I'll say it again -- EVERY situation is different.  If you are unsure what to say to your hurting friend, steer clear of "advice" and stick with empathy and positivity.  "I've been there.  I know your pain."  "You are a strong, beautiful woman, and I know you will get through this."  "If you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to, I'm here."  "I am thinking of/praying for you."  When your friend is ready for your advice and suggestions, they'll ask.  And when that time comes, be honest, even if the answer is, "I don't know."