Sometimes Careful Isn't Enough

After the difficult email of last night, I've been anxious for J's reply.  Anxious in that stressed out, I-hope-he-isn't-pissed-I-did-that-via-email kind of way.  I knew last night as I was headed to bed that he hadn't yet read it, because when he got off work he texted me all chipper.  I just wanted to sleep, and told him that, nicely.  He asked about the pictures he'd sent.  I gave him a non-committal answer.

See, yesterday morning he decided to enthusiastically jump into the sending of racy pics thing full tilt boogie.  4 pictures later, and all I was doing was sighing.  Not a "wow" or lust-filled kind of sigh, but the sigh of resignation tinged with annoyance.  He kept asking all day what I thought of them.  All day.  I kept putting off having to answer.

I've been very, very careful in the words I choose to say to him about his physical appearance.  I know what he thinks of me in part: "cute face, hot butt" and he loves my hair.  I've told him only that he has nice eyes, which he does.  They are a very nice shade of blue.  Beyond that, I've been extremely careful to not say he was attractive, handsome, cute, or anything more specific about his appearance.  I may have unintentionally led him to think I'm more attracted than I am, but I have never outright lied to him.

This morning I got a very long text from him saying, after the perky "good morning," that he'd gotten the email and he was fine with the change of plans.  He was "curious" about what I'd said, but to not worry about hurting him because he felt he didn't have "too much invested in [me] yet."

Riiiiight. 

When I was able to reply, I said I was glad the email wasn't taken wrong and there was no need to make a mountain out of a molehill.  We'd have a nice evening tomorrow and take things easy.  I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  And, I'd been very careful to not send any emoticons, ttyl's, any indications that I was super excited for the evening.  I made sure to end the text with "I'll see you then!" as a way of saying, "Hey, let's not talk on the phone tonight, okay?"

Then he replied, "Is it because I am just so damn irresistible? ;-)"

If I can't say something nice, I won't say anything at all.  I also have to remember that sometimes men can be very dense.  Granted, he is extremely detail-oriented.  He picked up on subtle body language indicators on our date, he figured out the passcode to my phone after watching me input it -- twice -- and looking at it upside-down.  (I've since changed my passcode.)  So, I haven't replied and probably won't.  I'm pretty sure I'll hear from him again today.  Still, he just doesn't seem to be getting it -- I'm backing off for a reason.

Tomorrow there'll be two difficult subjects I'll have to broach with him.  Letting him know I'm not sure I'm all that interested isn't one of them, actually, since we both admitted in emails prior to meeting that we weren't sure we were all that much of a match.  There are plenty of ways I can introduce that subject without it being an insult to him.  The first difficult subject will be telling him that I think he could benefit from talking to a counselor.

I have helped walked several friends through divorces and break-ups of very long relationships, relationships that had property, children, all of that kind of stuff involved.  I've been on the phone with them in the wee hours of the morning as they cried, as they vented.  I watched and guided them through their rebounds.  Right now I'm ministering in some way to two girlfriends who are going through it.  What I don't need to do is be counseling the person I'm dating, too. 

It never hurts to talk to a therapist or counselor when you are going through a rough time.  These people have made it their life's work to help others.  There is no shame in seeking guidance.  J has issues, hurts, scars he's not really aware of.  It's his baggage and he needs some outside help in how to pack it appropriately and guidance as to when he should and should not unpack it.  If nothing else, his first major rebound should probably be another divorcee.

The other difficult subject will be telling J that have two other dates also set up for this weekend.  Yes, two.  (I'll post about that when the second date is completely confirmed; right now it may end up being sometime next week instead just because of schedules.)  It isn't telling J that I'm also going out on other dates that I'm dreading.  I know he has another date for Sunday himself, and this is one way I can broach the "I'm not entirely sure how I feel about you" subject.  What I'm dreading is knowing he'll want to grill me about them.  What do I find attractive about them, their profiles, how long have we been chatting, have we talked on the phone, etc., etc., etc.?  Maybe I'm putting words in his mouth, but he's asked those questions and others about my previous Match dates.  Then he tries to make changes in his approaches and personality to be more like them.  For example, when I said that P and I had really stimulating intellectual conversations and that was something that definitely attracted me to him, J insisted he could do that, too.  In fact, let's do that right now!  At 1:00 in the morning, let's talk politics, abortion, capital punishment.

This really brings us back to the point about seeing a counselor.  J needs to figure out who he is, now that he is a single man and a father.  Any long-term relationship, be it marriage or just a long dating relationship, will change people.  Perhaps he can now be "free" to be who he actually is, whoever that may be.  He needs to figure some things out about himself and then he can start figuring out what he wants in other people. 

Over the past 5 months, I've certainly learned a lot about myself.  When I went into the whole Match thing, I probably would've thought a guy who texted me all the time and called me every night was what I wanted.  Maybe I still do, but that guy isn't J.  And maybe I'm realizing that in spite of wanting to be with someone, I still very much need my space.  If you're going to obsess over how long it takes me to reply to a text when it is the middle of the work day and you've really only known me for less than a week, that's not going to convince me that you "haven't invested too much in [me] yet."

I've tried to be careful with J.  I've made some mistakes, but I'm human and that's going to happen.  Also, I'm not psychic; I didn't know how he'd respond to certain things.  But sometimes, careful just isn't enough.  Telling J I need space isn't going to be easy, but it is necessary.  And if he doesn't get the message in person, perhaps he'll realize it as I continue to delay replies to texts and selectively choose when to answer the phone.  I realize that is what P did to me in many ways, but at least I have the balls (ovaries?) to be up-front with J before I really do it.

Meanwhile, I have my girl's night tonight and the date with K on Sunday to look forward to... and perhaps also a Sunday lunch with the newest, #13, D.  We shall see.