Welcome to the Friendzone (Part 2)
This has been updated since its original posting.
Well, that was awkward. And not my greatest display of sensitive tact, either.
Backing up for a minute, J's been angling for most of a week now to get an invite to my house. When I basically rescinded that invite and asked to go to Panera instead, I thought I had told him I just wasn't quite ready to have him at my house yet, but apparently that line was in one of the drafts that didn't get sent. So this evening he brought with him some DVDs to theoretically watch at my house after dinner, along with a couple bottles of wine.
Can't say he isn't an optimist.
I arrived at Panera early -- intentionally. I foresaw awkward greetings should he arrive before me, expectations of a hello kiss or other form of PDA dancing in his brain, so I decided to head that off at the pass by arriving well before him. It also gave me a chance to have a cup of coffee and catch up on grading papers in a quiet environment with a comfy chair, classical music playing, and little other distractions.
He got an inkling something was up when he arrived because I didn't seem overly thrilled to see him, I didn't jump up and give him a hug, nothing like that. He sat in the comfy armchair next to me and... cue awkward pauses and stilted conversation. Finally, after a couple minutes and carefully inspecting the contents of my coffee cup, I gave him a sad smile and said, "I'm moving on."
We still had dinner and an at-times difficult conversation. I steered mostly clear of why I didn't want to be with him. I assured him over and over that it wasn't him, that for me it was purely a chemistry thing. When he finally said he was trying to figure out what he'd done wrong or needed to change, that's when I got firm with him. In no uncertain terms, I told him to not obsess about that. He didn't do anything wrong and he needed to realize that he was deserving of a woman who was going to love him for who he is and not because he's willing to morph into whatever he thinks she wants. We just weren't compatible, from my perspective, for dating.
I extended my offer to be a "female translator" as he's working on this new world of dating, and he said he'd probably take me up on that. I gave him a little bit of advice on the sexting. I did not mention therapy or counseling, even though he slipped and referred to "his wife" instead of "his ex-wife." I did mention I had a date tomorrow night; I did not mention that the text message I received during our dinner was from yet another guy.
Whether he would admit it or not, and in spite of his claims he hadn't invested too much in me yet (again reiterated in person), he was hurt. Almost blindsided.
Still, got to credit him for some persistence and optimism. When we parted ways, I gave him a hug. Why not? He's a genuinely nice guy and yes, we can be friends. He didn't want to let go, even though I did. He jokingly asked if I'd send more R-rated pictures of myself; I laughed and said I'd have to be really drunk. He responded by asking if I wanted to go get a drink -- tongue only partly in cheek. A shared laugh, another hug, which he also didn't want to let go of, and that was that.
I sincerely meant it when I told him he was a great guy, sweet and kind, and some woman would be very lucky to have him in their life. He actually believed me, and I know this because he's not that good of an actor. He'll need to process what happened tonight, and if he's smart, he won't reach out to me for a few days. I certainly won't be reaching out to him. Fortunately he has another date tomorrow; no matter how he really feels about her or this date, at least he has something on the calendar.
And speaking of calendars, so do I. Tomorrow night is the dinner at the high-end restaurant with K. Meanwhile, I also need to respond to the text from D that came through while "breaking up" with J. (I texted back at the time, with an apology to J, that I was in the middle of a very, very awkward conversation and I'd talk to him later.) There is also a gentleman on Match who both of us have said "we're interested" but so far nothing has progressed. I may drop him an email here in the next 24 hours. And of course, I have another wink to go unreciprocated, but what else is new?
If I wasn't so coffee-logged at the moment, I'd pour myself a very stiff drink right now.
The rest of the update...
I was wrong when I thought he wouldn't reach out to me. As soon as he got home, he emailed me. He apologized for being bummed, he thought I just wanted to slow down and not basically stop, and he told me about the movies and wine. He also said it had been a bad week for his social life and that the timing wasn't great.
Wonderful. My one-way ticket on a guilt trip has just been punched.
But he did thank me for my kind words, the hugs, and the offer of continued friendship. He ended it with "Have a great night!" Like after something that stressful and hard I'm going to have a great night, exclamation point.
I didn't give him much of an explanation tonight beyond it was a chemistry thing. I didn't say I didn't find him attractive. I did say he didn't do anything wrong. In the email, he didn't ask for an explanation and I don't think I need to respond. I also learned that we have very different tastes in movies, apparently; one of the DVDs he brought was Pulp Fiction. I've only made it through about 45 minutes of that movie and I can't stand it. He owns it and thinks it appropriate "date" material.
Bless his heart. I hope he'll move on, even though he believes he wasn't that invested in me.
Well, that was awkward. And not my greatest display of sensitive tact, either.
Backing up for a minute, J's been angling for most of a week now to get an invite to my house. When I basically rescinded that invite and asked to go to Panera instead, I thought I had told him I just wasn't quite ready to have him at my house yet, but apparently that line was in one of the drafts that didn't get sent. So this evening he brought with him some DVDs to theoretically watch at my house after dinner, along with a couple bottles of wine.
Can't say he isn't an optimist.
I arrived at Panera early -- intentionally. I foresaw awkward greetings should he arrive before me, expectations of a hello kiss or other form of PDA dancing in his brain, so I decided to head that off at the pass by arriving well before him. It also gave me a chance to have a cup of coffee and catch up on grading papers in a quiet environment with a comfy chair, classical music playing, and little other distractions.
He got an inkling something was up when he arrived because I didn't seem overly thrilled to see him, I didn't jump up and give him a hug, nothing like that. He sat in the comfy armchair next to me and... cue awkward pauses and stilted conversation. Finally, after a couple minutes and carefully inspecting the contents of my coffee cup, I gave him a sad smile and said, "I'm moving on."
We still had dinner and an at-times difficult conversation. I steered mostly clear of why I didn't want to be with him. I assured him over and over that it wasn't him, that for me it was purely a chemistry thing. When he finally said he was trying to figure out what he'd done wrong or needed to change, that's when I got firm with him. In no uncertain terms, I told him to not obsess about that. He didn't do anything wrong and he needed to realize that he was deserving of a woman who was going to love him for who he is and not because he's willing to morph into whatever he thinks she wants. We just weren't compatible, from my perspective, for dating.
I extended my offer to be a "female translator" as he's working on this new world of dating, and he said he'd probably take me up on that. I gave him a little bit of advice on the sexting. I did not mention therapy or counseling, even though he slipped and referred to "his wife" instead of "his ex-wife." I did mention I had a date tomorrow night; I did not mention that the text message I received during our dinner was from yet another guy.
Whether he would admit it or not, and in spite of his claims he hadn't invested too much in me yet (again reiterated in person), he was hurt. Almost blindsided.
Still, got to credit him for some persistence and optimism. When we parted ways, I gave him a hug. Why not? He's a genuinely nice guy and yes, we can be friends. He didn't want to let go, even though I did. He jokingly asked if I'd send more R-rated pictures of myself; I laughed and said I'd have to be really drunk. He responded by asking if I wanted to go get a drink -- tongue only partly in cheek. A shared laugh, another hug, which he also didn't want to let go of, and that was that.
I sincerely meant it when I told him he was a great guy, sweet and kind, and some woman would be very lucky to have him in their life. He actually believed me, and I know this because he's not that good of an actor. He'll need to process what happened tonight, and if he's smart, he won't reach out to me for a few days. I certainly won't be reaching out to him. Fortunately he has another date tomorrow; no matter how he really feels about her or this date, at least he has something on the calendar.
And speaking of calendars, so do I. Tomorrow night is the dinner at the high-end restaurant with K. Meanwhile, I also need to respond to the text from D that came through while "breaking up" with J. (I texted back at the time, with an apology to J, that I was in the middle of a very, very awkward conversation and I'd talk to him later.) There is also a gentleman on Match who both of us have said "we're interested" but so far nothing has progressed. I may drop him an email here in the next 24 hours. And of course, I have another wink to go unreciprocated, but what else is new?
If I wasn't so coffee-logged at the moment, I'd pour myself a very stiff drink right now.
The rest of the update...
I was wrong when I thought he wouldn't reach out to me. As soon as he got home, he emailed me. He apologized for being bummed, he thought I just wanted to slow down and not basically stop, and he told me about the movies and wine. He also said it had been a bad week for his social life and that the timing wasn't great.
Wonderful. My one-way ticket on a guilt trip has just been punched.
But he did thank me for my kind words, the hugs, and the offer of continued friendship. He ended it with "Have a great night!" Like after something that stressful and hard I'm going to have a great night, exclamation point.
I didn't give him much of an explanation tonight beyond it was a chemistry thing. I didn't say I didn't find him attractive. I did say he didn't do anything wrong. In the email, he didn't ask for an explanation and I don't think I need to respond. I also learned that we have very different tastes in movies, apparently; one of the DVDs he brought was Pulp Fiction. I've only made it through about 45 minutes of that movie and I can't stand it. He owns it and thinks it appropriate "date" material.
Bless his heart. I hope he'll move on, even though he believes he wasn't that invested in me.
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