Sorting Through It All
I have started two different blog posts, trying to both share and sort through the developments with J, and both remain drafts because before I can revise and publish them, more developments happen. What it comes down to is the more I talk and text with J, the more convinced I am that I may be dealing with a "tar baby" situation.
Having introduced him to sexting, I have unleashed a bit of a monster. A very eager to please monster. While he has a lot to learn when it comes to that, he's also been a good student. However, as his education develops the more I realize what a sheltered life he's led compared to me.
I grew up the daughter of a conservative Baptist minister who didn't allow me to ever believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, dress up for Halloween until I was in the 3rd or 4th grade (and only because Dad relented to the societal pressures, basically), or get my ears pierced. J's life has been more sheltered than that. How's that for some perspective for you?
Among the things becoming increasingly clearer to me are how different we are, that I am definitely a rebound for him, and that he is much more into me than I am into him. All of these are sticky, difficult situations. He's a nice, sweet, dependable guy who can't really tell a joke to save his life, but he tries. I've used the analogy before, but he's a puppy. He'll lay at my feet, always be happy to see me, and be content with the simple things. He'll always be there when I need companionship, and ask for very little.
There's nothing wrong with all of those qualities. What is missing so far is that dynamic independence that I crave in my partner. Someone who will insist on taking as much as they give, not merely be truly happy just to give. Admittedly after P, having someone interested in making me happy is intriguing. However, I am also a giver/nurturer. If you don't tell me how I can take care of you, I will get bored.
Let's us take a moment and examine some the ways J and I are basically polar opposites. (We had another very long phone conversation last night.) I'm a Democrat. He's an independent, leaning Republican. I vote pro-choice. He's pretty staunchly pro-life. He's a solid Catholic. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, go-to-the-stake Protestant. I love food with spices and intense flavor. Anything other than salt & pepper is too adventurous for him. (Would you believe he's a Spanish teacher who's traveled to Mexico multiple times, and he doesn't like Mexican food?!) I'm a coffee drinker, er, addict. He doesn't touch the stuff. He has a dog. I have cats.
Sounds like a perfect match, doesn't it?
I normally don't buy into the daily horoscope mumbo-jumbo, although they can be good for a laugh or smile. Today I got one that said, "It is true that opposites often attract, and while scatterbrained chatterboxes may be cute, they're just unable to sustain your interest for any serious length of time." While I wouldn't classify J as "scatterbrained," the rest of the statement is very true.
So now the whole concept of the rebound. With each conversation, I learn more about his past, his history with women, and his recently failed marriage. I am clearly going to be one of the women who helps him find his mojo again, who helps acclimate him to dating not only in the 21st Century, but also dating as middle-aged adults. He's learning about dating with kids, and about dating women who are independent and have difficult schedules. It's a very different world out there than the last time he was dating -- not to mention the last time he was dating he was also in a small town in Nebraska.
I understand all of this. I doubt he does at all. He's been in relationships so long that I don't think the concept of casually dating has really penetrated his mind. It has boggled his brain a wee bit that I dated a guy for only a couple of months and we were never exclusive, yet we were in bed together.
Welcome to casual dating in 2012, paduan learner.
Which brings us to the element I am struggling the most with right now. He is clearly and definitely much more into me than I am into him. Once again last night we had the conversation about how he was still talking with and wanting to meet these two other women he'd also been chatting with when he started chatting with me. He's told me one he felt marginal about and was ready to stop talking with her until they decided to set up a date for this coming Sunday. But then he told me in no uncertain terms that he's stopped actively looking for other women to talk to and he is ready to focus his efforts (save these other two women he feels obligated to meet) on one particular woman: me.
Oh boy.
Meanwhile, as we were chatting for over 3 hours on the phone, among the other things I was doing was going through my daily matches on Match. I'm still definitely out there trying to meet new people, and I've told him that. He's asked about his "competition," and I'm being honest: I'm also chatting with other guys but I haven't set up any other dates yet. I'm really trying to not lead him on, but I'm not sure how successful I'm actually being with that. I have been guilty of teasing him about these other women he's chatting with, saying that I, too, am competitive. I've been leading the way with the sexting -- at his request -- but if I'm describing racy yet PG-13 rated scenarios, how can I not be in at least some little way guilty of misleading him if I don't completely feel what I am describing?
Perhaps my worst crime so far is that I have been responding to his advances. I crave human contact like anyone else. I am a very tactile person; I even mention that specifically in my profile. Even though he says he's not ready yet for sex with anyone, he's still wanting to push the boundaries -- and see my reaction as he, the student of dating, tries out his game on someone he seems to think is more of a pro.
He's finagled an invitation to dinner and "hanging out" at my house on Saturday. He's been kind of bugging me for my address and the chance to come see me at my place, but coming to my house makes sense because of his kids. Even though they are supposed to spend 50% of the time at their mom's, two are of driving age and longer story short, they are at dad's house most every night. It would be a very awkward situation for everyone at this point if I was there. Regardless, he'll be at my house and has said several times that in addition to conversation he wants to hold me, touch me, kiss, PG-rated adult contact.
I am finding it very telling for me that I'm not all that excited for the date. I did encourage him to ask me for a second date, but I have to admit I felt more like a teacher working with their dating student than a woman legitimately interested in time with him. This makes me feel a little guilty. Add to that little things, and the bigger picture already has me pondering how am I going to gently let him down -- and when.
He's a truly nice, sweet guy who some woman will be very lucky to have in her life. I'm just not really sure that I'm the woman whose life he should be in. I'm willing to give this some more time, see if things further develop but to be honest I'm skeptical. As it is, I do truly hope we'll be able to part as friends, and that he can come to me as a support when he's dating other women and having issues.
Boy, that's telling right there, isn't it? As I wrote that, I realized it. Maybe I'm not as over P as I thought I was. Maybe it is just a case of I know I'm looking for something different than what J has to offer. That's not a slight on him in any way; it's simply a compatibility issue overall.
Meanwhile... what can I cook that a bland food loving northern Minnesota boy will want to eat for dinner?
Having introduced him to sexting, I have unleashed a bit of a monster. A very eager to please monster. While he has a lot to learn when it comes to that, he's also been a good student. However, as his education develops the more I realize what a sheltered life he's led compared to me.
I grew up the daughter of a conservative Baptist minister who didn't allow me to ever believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, dress up for Halloween until I was in the 3rd or 4th grade (and only because Dad relented to the societal pressures, basically), or get my ears pierced. J's life has been more sheltered than that. How's that for some perspective for you?
Among the things becoming increasingly clearer to me are how different we are, that I am definitely a rebound for him, and that he is much more into me than I am into him. All of these are sticky, difficult situations. He's a nice, sweet, dependable guy who can't really tell a joke to save his life, but he tries. I've used the analogy before, but he's a puppy. He'll lay at my feet, always be happy to see me, and be content with the simple things. He'll always be there when I need companionship, and ask for very little.
There's nothing wrong with all of those qualities. What is missing so far is that dynamic independence that I crave in my partner. Someone who will insist on taking as much as they give, not merely be truly happy just to give. Admittedly after P, having someone interested in making me happy is intriguing. However, I am also a giver/nurturer. If you don't tell me how I can take care of you, I will get bored.
Let's us take a moment and examine some the ways J and I are basically polar opposites. (We had another very long phone conversation last night.) I'm a Democrat. He's an independent, leaning Republican. I vote pro-choice. He's pretty staunchly pro-life. He's a solid Catholic. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool, go-to-the-stake Protestant. I love food with spices and intense flavor. Anything other than salt & pepper is too adventurous for him. (Would you believe he's a Spanish teacher who's traveled to Mexico multiple times, and he doesn't like Mexican food?!) I'm a coffee drinker, er, addict. He doesn't touch the stuff. He has a dog. I have cats.
Sounds like a perfect match, doesn't it?
I normally don't buy into the daily horoscope mumbo-jumbo, although they can be good for a laugh or smile. Today I got one that said, "It is true that opposites often attract, and while scatterbrained chatterboxes may be cute, they're just unable to sustain your interest for any serious length of time." While I wouldn't classify J as "scatterbrained," the rest of the statement is very true.
So now the whole concept of the rebound. With each conversation, I learn more about his past, his history with women, and his recently failed marriage. I am clearly going to be one of the women who helps him find his mojo again, who helps acclimate him to dating not only in the 21st Century, but also dating as middle-aged adults. He's learning about dating with kids, and about dating women who are independent and have difficult schedules. It's a very different world out there than the last time he was dating -- not to mention the last time he was dating he was also in a small town in Nebraska.
I understand all of this. I doubt he does at all. He's been in relationships so long that I don't think the concept of casually dating has really penetrated his mind. It has boggled his brain a wee bit that I dated a guy for only a couple of months and we were never exclusive, yet we were in bed together.
Welcome to casual dating in 2012, paduan learner.
Which brings us to the element I am struggling the most with right now. He is clearly and definitely much more into me than I am into him. Once again last night we had the conversation about how he was still talking with and wanting to meet these two other women he'd also been chatting with when he started chatting with me. He's told me one he felt marginal about and was ready to stop talking with her until they decided to set up a date for this coming Sunday. But then he told me in no uncertain terms that he's stopped actively looking for other women to talk to and he is ready to focus his efforts (save these other two women he feels obligated to meet) on one particular woman: me.
Oh boy.
Meanwhile, as we were chatting for over 3 hours on the phone, among the other things I was doing was going through my daily matches on Match. I'm still definitely out there trying to meet new people, and I've told him that. He's asked about his "competition," and I'm being honest: I'm also chatting with other guys but I haven't set up any other dates yet. I'm really trying to not lead him on, but I'm not sure how successful I'm actually being with that. I have been guilty of teasing him about these other women he's chatting with, saying that I, too, am competitive. I've been leading the way with the sexting -- at his request -- but if I'm describing racy yet PG-13 rated scenarios, how can I not be in at least some little way guilty of misleading him if I don't completely feel what I am describing?
Perhaps my worst crime so far is that I have been responding to his advances. I crave human contact like anyone else. I am a very tactile person; I even mention that specifically in my profile. Even though he says he's not ready yet for sex with anyone, he's still wanting to push the boundaries -- and see my reaction as he, the student of dating, tries out his game on someone he seems to think is more of a pro.
He's finagled an invitation to dinner and "hanging out" at my house on Saturday. He's been kind of bugging me for my address and the chance to come see me at my place, but coming to my house makes sense because of his kids. Even though they are supposed to spend 50% of the time at their mom's, two are of driving age and longer story short, they are at dad's house most every night. It would be a very awkward situation for everyone at this point if I was there. Regardless, he'll be at my house and has said several times that in addition to conversation he wants to hold me, touch me, kiss, PG-rated adult contact.
I am finding it very telling for me that I'm not all that excited for the date. I did encourage him to ask me for a second date, but I have to admit I felt more like a teacher working with their dating student than a woman legitimately interested in time with him. This makes me feel a little guilty. Add to that little things, and the bigger picture already has me pondering how am I going to gently let him down -- and when.
He's a truly nice, sweet guy who some woman will be very lucky to have in her life. I'm just not really sure that I'm the woman whose life he should be in. I'm willing to give this some more time, see if things further develop but to be honest I'm skeptical. As it is, I do truly hope we'll be able to part as friends, and that he can come to me as a support when he's dating other women and having issues.
Boy, that's telling right there, isn't it? As I wrote that, I realized it. Maybe I'm not as over P as I thought I was. Maybe it is just a case of I know I'm looking for something different than what J has to offer. That's not a slight on him in any way; it's simply a compatibility issue overall.
Meanwhile... what can I cook that a bland food loving northern Minnesota boy will want to eat for dinner?
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