Dear John - UPDATED
Warning: this blog post gets into the sensitive subject of sexual compatibility versus violence. If you are not comfortable with that, I suggest you skip this post, or stop reading when I intro that subject.
Well, I did it. I sent the email calling things off. After a lot of internal debate and discussing with friends and my ever-opinionated Thursday group exercise classes, I knew that downgrading Friday's date would not be good. I needed to end it NOW.
I went on Match to email him because I don't have a personal email address for him. I took a little bit of comfort in seeing that he'd been active on Match within the last hour, and I doubt he was looking at my profile. I haven't heard from him at all today, which is odd. I think he already knows I just don't feel a connection.
So here is the letter I sent:
"You probably aren't surprised to be getting this email, and for that I feel awful. You know I'm a written communication kind of gal, and this is not something I believe should be done via text message. But, I need to stop leading you on any more than I already have. I feel absolutely terrible that I've led you on as much as I have, but I was trying desperately to feel the same connection to you that you said you felt for me. I wanted it to be there, and that's why I slept with you -- to see if that would draw out the connection that I couldn't seem to find. But as much as I tried I was honestly enamored by the idea of someone falling for me rather than being enamored by that someone. I don't regret anything that happened between us, and I'm calling things off because of that intangible and indescribable connection that isn't there for me. It has *absolutely nothing* to do with body type, Legos, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), sexual compatibility, anything like that. We just have different life goals and interests. I am not looking for someone who will change to be what I want, so trying to come up with specific reasons is futile.
I am so, so sorry, but I just can't in good conscience go any further with this. It would not be fair to you, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you any more than I already might be. Let's make this a clean break for now, okay? So please, please don't reply to this or text me. I can't answer any questions you might have, and I don't want to belabor the point. You deserve a woman who will love you for who you are, and I hope you find her."
End scene.
UPDATE: He replied. In a nutshell, he was relieved because he, too, didn't feel the connection and he was doing the passive "just not talking to me" thing. I am so relieved I could cry.
And now I'm going to spend time talking about sexual compatibility and sexual violence. I'm not bringing it up because I'm proud to have added another ONS to my history, because I'm not. I'm not bringing it up to flaunt that I "got some," because I'm not. I'm bringing it up because sexual violence is a topic that needs to be more openly discussed.
No, he wasn't sexually violent with me. I wasn't raped, I wasn't coerced into doing anything I didn't want to do. But the sex wasn't really pleasurable, and a big reason for that was because it was painful. Painful sex is like a snowball effect: something hurts, and the female body response is to stop producing lubricant, which then makes sex that much more painful.
I have a relationship in my past that was borderline sexually abusive. I'm not proud of it by any stretch of the imagination. The way sex was optimally pleasurable for him - pretty much the only way he'd orgasm - was if I was demeaned or hurt. I left sexual encounters with him bruised, scraped, and degraded as a woman. Some scars heal. Others do not. Last night, with Bachelor #3, when I would tell him something hurt, he'd back off. For a little bit. Then a few minutes later he'd try the same maneuver.
Ladies, you do not deserve to be with a partner who will not respect that what he is doing to you hurts you. You are a gift to him, not a right. Men, we aren't impressed with your size or "skills" if what you are doing is painful. All we can think of is the pain. The age old question of "does size matter" comes up, and the answer is yes, because if you are pressing uncomfortably against our cervixes, if we are left raw and internally torn, then your size mattered.
Besides, physiologically speaking, men and women are designed in their coupling for size to not be an issue. The nerve endings that trigger the greatest pleasure are within the first couple of inches: the top couple of inches of the man's penis, and the first couple of inches inside a woman's vagina. Don't believe what you see in porn; not all women like to be "filled up."
Which awkwardly brings us back to Bachelor #2. (Whhhuuuuuh? Okay, he's 6'5", I can see the transition from size to this. Sorta.) Quick review:
Sunday: he sends me text saying he doesn't feel that secondary dating connection, just wants to be friends.
Monday night: he sends me a text asking if I'd be up for a walk in the park on Wednesday. I decline because I have standing work obligations on Wednesday.
Today (Thursday): I texted him saying the weather this weekend was supposed to be beautiful and was he still interested in that walk? Maybe Sunday? He replied, "I'd like that." So we're still trying to set up a place and time - he's not super quick with those text messages, especially during his work hours.
I am NOT thinking this could be a return or a second attempt at kindling a connection other than just friends. I'm going into it as friends who do enjoy spending time together. If it becomes something more, so be it. And who knows what will pop up on Match.
Well, I did it. I sent the email calling things off. After a lot of internal debate and discussing with friends and my ever-opinionated Thursday group exercise classes, I knew that downgrading Friday's date would not be good. I needed to end it NOW.
I went on Match to email him because I don't have a personal email address for him. I took a little bit of comfort in seeing that he'd been active on Match within the last hour, and I doubt he was looking at my profile. I haven't heard from him at all today, which is odd. I think he already knows I just don't feel a connection.
So here is the letter I sent:
"You probably aren't surprised to be getting this email, and for that I feel awful. You know I'm a written communication kind of gal, and this is not something I believe should be done via text message. But, I need to stop leading you on any more than I already have. I feel absolutely terrible that I've led you on as much as I have, but I was trying desperately to feel the same connection to you that you said you felt for me. I wanted it to be there, and that's why I slept with you -- to see if that would draw out the connection that I couldn't seem to find. But as much as I tried I was honestly enamored by the idea of someone falling for me rather than being enamored by that someone. I don't regret anything that happened between us, and I'm calling things off because of that intangible and indescribable connection that isn't there for me. It has *absolutely nothing* to do with body type, Legos, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), sexual compatibility, anything like that. We just have different life goals and interests. I am not looking for someone who will change to be what I want, so trying to come up with specific reasons is futile.
I am so, so sorry, but I just can't in good conscience go any further with this. It would not be fair to you, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you any more than I already might be. Let's make this a clean break for now, okay? So please, please don't reply to this or text me. I can't answer any questions you might have, and I don't want to belabor the point. You deserve a woman who will love you for who you are, and I hope you find her."
End scene.
UPDATE: He replied. In a nutshell, he was relieved because he, too, didn't feel the connection and he was doing the passive "just not talking to me" thing. I am so relieved I could cry.
And now I'm going to spend time talking about sexual compatibility and sexual violence. I'm not bringing it up because I'm proud to have added another ONS to my history, because I'm not. I'm not bringing it up to flaunt that I "got some," because I'm not. I'm bringing it up because sexual violence is a topic that needs to be more openly discussed.
No, he wasn't sexually violent with me. I wasn't raped, I wasn't coerced into doing anything I didn't want to do. But the sex wasn't really pleasurable, and a big reason for that was because it was painful. Painful sex is like a snowball effect: something hurts, and the female body response is to stop producing lubricant, which then makes sex that much more painful.
I have a relationship in my past that was borderline sexually abusive. I'm not proud of it by any stretch of the imagination. The way sex was optimally pleasurable for him - pretty much the only way he'd orgasm - was if I was demeaned or hurt. I left sexual encounters with him bruised, scraped, and degraded as a woman. Some scars heal. Others do not. Last night, with Bachelor #3, when I would tell him something hurt, he'd back off. For a little bit. Then a few minutes later he'd try the same maneuver.
Ladies, you do not deserve to be with a partner who will not respect that what he is doing to you hurts you. You are a gift to him, not a right. Men, we aren't impressed with your size or "skills" if what you are doing is painful. All we can think of is the pain. The age old question of "does size matter" comes up, and the answer is yes, because if you are pressing uncomfortably against our cervixes, if we are left raw and internally torn, then your size mattered.
Besides, physiologically speaking, men and women are designed in their coupling for size to not be an issue. The nerve endings that trigger the greatest pleasure are within the first couple of inches: the top couple of inches of the man's penis, and the first couple of inches inside a woman's vagina. Don't believe what you see in porn; not all women like to be "filled up."
Which awkwardly brings us back to Bachelor #2. (Whhhuuuuuh? Okay, he's 6'5", I can see the transition from size to this. Sorta.) Quick review:
Sunday: he sends me text saying he doesn't feel that secondary dating connection, just wants to be friends.
Monday night: he sends me a text asking if I'd be up for a walk in the park on Wednesday. I decline because I have standing work obligations on Wednesday.
Today (Thursday): I texted him saying the weather this weekend was supposed to be beautiful and was he still interested in that walk? Maybe Sunday? He replied, "I'd like that." So we're still trying to set up a place and time - he's not super quick with those text messages, especially during his work hours.
I am NOT thinking this could be a return or a second attempt at kindling a connection other than just friends. I'm going into it as friends who do enjoy spending time together. If it becomes something more, so be it. And who knows what will pop up on Match.
Comments
Post a Comment
We are all adults here. Comments are welcome, but they are also moderated because there has been a marked increase in spam, trolling, and generally snarky and nasty comments being submitted. Different opinions are welcome when expressed maturely; rude comments and links will not be published.