No Words
Technology and the Internet has made me impatient. If I Google something and the answer I'm looking for isn't within the first page of links rarely will I dig further. And language being what it is, it is constantly evolving. We are always finding new words, new phrases, to describe things. Texting has brought into the vernacular all sorts of shortcuts, and recently the phrase "because ________" has been deemed acceptable. I wonder if there is an area of the English language with more slang and terminology, though, than dating and sex.
We know what a gigolo is: a man who is supported by a sugar mama primarily in return for sex. We know what a silver fox is: a man who is silver or grey at a young age and looks great - think Anderson Cooper, George Clooney even 10 years ago. We know what a cougar is: a woman who goes after men who are younger than her by a certain number of years. (Most definitions say 7 years, although I've heard others.) We know what a kitten is: a woman who goes for men who are considerably older than her, not to be confused with a gold digger, who may also be a kitten. Kittens are about sex; gold diggers are about money.
But what is a guy who goes after older women called? Not one who is looking to be supported by her, but just sexually desiring older women? Is there even a name? My shallow and impatient Google search came up with that question posted a lot, but with no definitive answer. Some said "cub," but I know that has a different meaning in gay slang. I have also heard "boy toy," which seems the most apropos, at least to me.
More importantly, why are these guys always coming after me?!
Right now I am being pestered by a 28 year old kid who I suspect is hiding something. He chatted me up yesterday on Match and it took him all of 3 or 4 chat messages to get to the point: he wanted an older woman for sex. I've posted about casual sex before and ultimately the choice to be involved in casual sex is a personal choice that no one should judge - morals are an individual decision and I do not believe there is a set of morals that fits every person. All that to say I decided to play along and we exchanged numbers. After all, I don't have anything else going on right now.
Oh, boy. He's an eager one.
Then the red flags started flying. Like I said, I suspect he is hiding something. In spite of his claims and assurances, I think he's either married/in a committed relationship, or there's something else going on. My money is on the former.
Flag #1: His profile on Match is set to "private," meaning, it is hidden. It can't be found on a search, it doesn't come up in matches, and it can't be seen - by anyone. I asked him why, and his reply was that he didn't want all his personal info out there. Dude, you're on a dating website, you're paying money, you have at least one picture up, and if you're chatting up women you are obviously active. To have your profile blocked makes no sense - unless you have something to hide, such as you don't want a wife or girlfriend to stumble across your profile.
Flag #2: His place is not an option. Why, I asked. "Roommate," was the answer. No gender or other reference to the roommate, or any explanation why having a roommate meant he couldn't have women over. I've lived with roommates. They've had guests. It was no big deal. Occasionally finding a man standing in our kitchen clad only in his boxers was sometimes awkward, but overall roommates having overnight guests is just part of having roommates. Unless the "roommate" is actually a live-in girlfriend or spouse.
Flag #3: He's asked to keep things "just between us." Specifically, a couple of X-rated pictures he sent me. (I have not reciprocated.) Seriously, what am I going to do, post random pictures of guy's junk on the Internet and take out a Google ad saying, "Come look at ________'s schlong!" Any time you make a decision to send adult pics via text (or Twitter, hello Anthony Weiner) privacy cannot be guaranteed. But who is he afraid will see it? Boss? Wife? Girlfriend?
Flag #4: He's pushing hard for oral. Now I know guys like getting oral attention and the request doesn't surprise me in the least. However, that is the number one thing he wants which is a red flag to me for two reasons: either he has a wife/girlfriend who doesn't do that, or he's a guy who doesn't consider getting a BJ to be cheating.
Flag #5: Timing. Yesterday being Sunday it is hard to gauge, but today followed the same pattern: afternoon texting that drops off significantly around 7:00 or so. Why would texting a woman fall off, or even stop completely, in the evening? Could it be because you're around someone that you don't want to know you are texting a woman looking for sex? He wanted to come by "on [his] way home from work." Really. You don't say.
Flag #6: He won't follow up with regular pictures. I've asked three times for a regular picture. I've only seen a small thumbnail profile picture, and I can't access his profile to see other pictures. The thumbnail was rather cute - one reason I agreed to play along - but since then no pics. What is he hiding where he'll send a picture of his man parts but not his face? Well, he says he'll send one after I take care of him. Um, no. Doesn't work that way.
See, here's the thing about being the pursued cougar: I get to set the rules. I am not the one with the need. I didn't go after him. I might be egging him on, but I am not reaching out to him. So it means absolutely nothing to me to walk away - and that's what I'm doing right now. My last request for a pic was met with the "I'll send you one if you come blow me" reply, immediately followed by, "jk sord [sic] of." I had already told him I could walk away, so my response to that was, "You think I'm playing? Sayonara."
I think this might be the first time I've had a guy text me asking if I was mad at him.
No, I'm not mad, and I said that. But, that's all I said. I'm ambivalent and apathetic. I don't care. I'd rather be connecting with a great guy and going on dates and fretting over what to wear and wondering if there will be a second or third date than hooking up. I'm not opposed to casual sex or friends with benefits. I am opposed to being used for someone to cheat on a partner. Heck, at least previous gentlemen in that category took me out to dinner or something first. So until he convinces me otherwise, I'm kicking him to the curb, and it's going to be hard for him to convince me otherwise.
Moving along.
We know what a gigolo is: a man who is supported by a sugar mama primarily in return for sex. We know what a silver fox is: a man who is silver or grey at a young age and looks great - think Anderson Cooper, George Clooney even 10 years ago. We know what a cougar is: a woman who goes after men who are younger than her by a certain number of years. (Most definitions say 7 years, although I've heard others.) We know what a kitten is: a woman who goes for men who are considerably older than her, not to be confused with a gold digger, who may also be a kitten. Kittens are about sex; gold diggers are about money.
But what is a guy who goes after older women called? Not one who is looking to be supported by her, but just sexually desiring older women? Is there even a name? My shallow and impatient Google search came up with that question posted a lot, but with no definitive answer. Some said "cub," but I know that has a different meaning in gay slang. I have also heard "boy toy," which seems the most apropos, at least to me.
More importantly, why are these guys always coming after me?!
Right now I am being pestered by a 28 year old kid who I suspect is hiding something. He chatted me up yesterday on Match and it took him all of 3 or 4 chat messages to get to the point: he wanted an older woman for sex. I've posted about casual sex before and ultimately the choice to be involved in casual sex is a personal choice that no one should judge - morals are an individual decision and I do not believe there is a set of morals that fits every person. All that to say I decided to play along and we exchanged numbers. After all, I don't have anything else going on right now.
Oh, boy. He's an eager one.
Then the red flags started flying. Like I said, I suspect he is hiding something. In spite of his claims and assurances, I think he's either married/in a committed relationship, or there's something else going on. My money is on the former.
Flag #1: His profile on Match is set to "private," meaning, it is hidden. It can't be found on a search, it doesn't come up in matches, and it can't be seen - by anyone. I asked him why, and his reply was that he didn't want all his personal info out there. Dude, you're on a dating website, you're paying money, you have at least one picture up, and if you're chatting up women you are obviously active. To have your profile blocked makes no sense - unless you have something to hide, such as you don't want a wife or girlfriend to stumble across your profile.
Flag #2: His place is not an option. Why, I asked. "Roommate," was the answer. No gender or other reference to the roommate, or any explanation why having a roommate meant he couldn't have women over. I've lived with roommates. They've had guests. It was no big deal. Occasionally finding a man standing in our kitchen clad only in his boxers was sometimes awkward, but overall roommates having overnight guests is just part of having roommates. Unless the "roommate" is actually a live-in girlfriend or spouse.
Flag #3: He's asked to keep things "just between us." Specifically, a couple of X-rated pictures he sent me. (I have not reciprocated.) Seriously, what am I going to do, post random pictures of guy's junk on the Internet and take out a Google ad saying, "Come look at ________'s schlong!" Any time you make a decision to send adult pics via text (or Twitter, hello Anthony Weiner) privacy cannot be guaranteed. But who is he afraid will see it? Boss? Wife? Girlfriend?
Flag #4: He's pushing hard for oral. Now I know guys like getting oral attention and the request doesn't surprise me in the least. However, that is the number one thing he wants which is a red flag to me for two reasons: either he has a wife/girlfriend who doesn't do that, or he's a guy who doesn't consider getting a BJ to be cheating.
Flag #5: Timing. Yesterday being Sunday it is hard to gauge, but today followed the same pattern: afternoon texting that drops off significantly around 7:00 or so. Why would texting a woman fall off, or even stop completely, in the evening? Could it be because you're around someone that you don't want to know you are texting a woman looking for sex? He wanted to come by "on [his] way home from work." Really. You don't say.
Flag #6: He won't follow up with regular pictures. I've asked three times for a regular picture. I've only seen a small thumbnail profile picture, and I can't access his profile to see other pictures. The thumbnail was rather cute - one reason I agreed to play along - but since then no pics. What is he hiding where he'll send a picture of his man parts but not his face? Well, he says he'll send one after I take care of him. Um, no. Doesn't work that way.
See, here's the thing about being the pursued cougar: I get to set the rules. I am not the one with the need. I didn't go after him. I might be egging him on, but I am not reaching out to him. So it means absolutely nothing to me to walk away - and that's what I'm doing right now. My last request for a pic was met with the "I'll send you one if you come blow me" reply, immediately followed by, "jk sord [sic] of." I had already told him I could walk away, so my response to that was, "You think I'm playing? Sayonara."
I think this might be the first time I've had a guy text me asking if I was mad at him.
No, I'm not mad, and I said that. But, that's all I said. I'm ambivalent and apathetic. I don't care. I'd rather be connecting with a great guy and going on dates and fretting over what to wear and wondering if there will be a second or third date than hooking up. I'm not opposed to casual sex or friends with benefits. I am opposed to being used for someone to cheat on a partner. Heck, at least previous gentlemen in that category took me out to dinner or something first. So until he convinces me otherwise, I'm kicking him to the curb, and it's going to be hard for him to convince me otherwise.
Moving along.
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