I am I am I am ... saying NO
Here we go again. Getting back into the groove of the online dating has me reviewing profiles I previously had said I was "interested" in, because I surprisingly am still eligible to keep my site "guarantee." But more on that in a moment.
I have noticed that first of all, what interested me just a few weeks ago I'm not finding so interesting now. Am I really that fickle? I suppose, though, that the stuff that day-to-day life brings, its ups and its downs, does color how I view even online profiles. Today in particular was a rough day, and I have more stress on me that I've had in some time. It's unrelated to my dating life, although it is misleading to say that what happens in one part of my life isn't going to have an effect on other parts of my life. Just sometimes, that effect is indirect as opposed to obvious.
I have also noticed the abuse of the phrase "I am." Profiles start with an "About Me" section. To be blunt, I'm a spelling and grammar nerd. I teach K-8 and even though I teach music, I do get written assignments. If your profile makes me feel like I need to get out my red pen, and you have a college education, we probably aren't going to hit it off all that well. (But never say never; I have an ex in my history who has an MBA, a six-figure income, and whose written grammar is annoying.) And if every sentence starts with the two words "I am," well, I am going to be annoyed.
The more profiles I go through, the more comfortable I become with the "No" button. Every day I am sent a certain number of daily matches, and I get to give each one a "Yes," "Maybe," or "No." It helps the site further narrow down matches for me, supposedly. If you give someone a "No," you cannot access their profile ever again. Seems kind of harsh to ever-optimistic me, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I am in my mid-30s, have an idea of what I am looking for, and there are plenty of guys out there saying "No" to my profile so I just need to get over being nice. Or passive-aggressive. Or both.
So what makes me say "No?"
1. No picture. Sorry guys. While I'm an intelligent woman who wants to be respected for my mind and personality and not judged for her looks, we're human and this is a dating site. Visual chemistry is important. If you don't have a picture, it is unlikely I'm going to save you for "later" in the hopes that you'll put up a picture. It has also been my experience that those without pictures tend to have little information in their profile. Are you actually serious about this? Then spend the time and put together a halfway decent profile.
2. Baby daddies. No, I don't mean single dads, divorcees, etc. I had a profile recently where the man listed his marital status as "never married" and he had children - 3 or more. Either he has commitment issues, or he has really bad luck when it comes to his sex life. Either one doesn't make you attractive to me. Maybe to some other women, but not me.
3. Atrocious grammar and/or spelling. Typos will happen, and it would be nice if the site had a spell-check option. But if you are incapable of using basic punctuation and your profile is riddled with misspellings that a 6th grader would catch, you aren't the guy for me. I just know that about me, and I'm sparing us both the drama. Let's face it -- if you look like Ryan Lochte, yeah, I'll be interested. If your profile reads like Lochte's tweets... you aren't the only swimmer on the team.
4. It's obvious you haven't grown up yet. I've set my parameters to give me guys basically my age and older. I've just never been one to date younger men; I'm mature for my years and appreciate that in my date. But it is amazing how many guys in their late 30s and 40s still cling to wanting to be in their 20s. I remember a line from the TV show "Will and Grace," (at least I think it was "Will & Grace") where one of the characters looks at Will and says, "Your youth called. It wants its shirt back." When I was on a different site, I actually had a guy who was 40 include in his list of "5 Things He Couldn't Do Without" pizza, Mountain Dew, and his skateboard.
5. You have body dysmorphia -- in the wrong way. I have some body dysmorphia issues -- because of my weight loss and knowing I still have a way to go, I tend to see myself much heavier than I actually am. But if you list your body type as "average" and it is obvious from your pictures that you are 50 or more pounds overweight, sadly that's not "average." Technically, given America and our obesity epidemic, maybe it is average, but let's face it... you're "overweight." Perhaps I'm projecting, but I have experienced men who have been that way about their own bodies and yet are very critical of women's bodies. And admittedly I may be egregiously judging a larger group of people by the actions of a few, so this is where I reveal my shallowness and just say I don't find men who are 50 or more pounds overweight to be attractive.
But I have an email from Bachelor #5 to reply to. So this ends tonight's rant.
I have noticed that first of all, what interested me just a few weeks ago I'm not finding so interesting now. Am I really that fickle? I suppose, though, that the stuff that day-to-day life brings, its ups and its downs, does color how I view even online profiles. Today in particular was a rough day, and I have more stress on me that I've had in some time. It's unrelated to my dating life, although it is misleading to say that what happens in one part of my life isn't going to have an effect on other parts of my life. Just sometimes, that effect is indirect as opposed to obvious.
I have also noticed the abuse of the phrase "I am." Profiles start with an "About Me" section. To be blunt, I'm a spelling and grammar nerd. I teach K-8 and even though I teach music, I do get written assignments. If your profile makes me feel like I need to get out my red pen, and you have a college education, we probably aren't going to hit it off all that well. (But never say never; I have an ex in my history who has an MBA, a six-figure income, and whose written grammar is annoying.) And if every sentence starts with the two words "I am," well, I am going to be annoyed.
The more profiles I go through, the more comfortable I become with the "No" button. Every day I am sent a certain number of daily matches, and I get to give each one a "Yes," "Maybe," or "No." It helps the site further narrow down matches for me, supposedly. If you give someone a "No," you cannot access their profile ever again. Seems kind of harsh to ever-optimistic me, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I am in my mid-30s, have an idea of what I am looking for, and there are plenty of guys out there saying "No" to my profile so I just need to get over being nice. Or passive-aggressive. Or both.
So what makes me say "No?"
1. No picture. Sorry guys. While I'm an intelligent woman who wants to be respected for my mind and personality and not judged for her looks, we're human and this is a dating site. Visual chemistry is important. If you don't have a picture, it is unlikely I'm going to save you for "later" in the hopes that you'll put up a picture. It has also been my experience that those without pictures tend to have little information in their profile. Are you actually serious about this? Then spend the time and put together a halfway decent profile.
2. Baby daddies. No, I don't mean single dads, divorcees, etc. I had a profile recently where the man listed his marital status as "never married" and he had children - 3 or more. Either he has commitment issues, or he has really bad luck when it comes to his sex life. Either one doesn't make you attractive to me. Maybe to some other women, but not me.
3. Atrocious grammar and/or spelling. Typos will happen, and it would be nice if the site had a spell-check option. But if you are incapable of using basic punctuation and your profile is riddled with misspellings that a 6th grader would catch, you aren't the guy for me. I just know that about me, and I'm sparing us both the drama. Let's face it -- if you look like Ryan Lochte, yeah, I'll be interested. If your profile reads like Lochte's tweets... you aren't the only swimmer on the team.
4. It's obvious you haven't grown up yet. I've set my parameters to give me guys basically my age and older. I've just never been one to date younger men; I'm mature for my years and appreciate that in my date. But it is amazing how many guys in their late 30s and 40s still cling to wanting to be in their 20s. I remember a line from the TV show "Will and Grace," (at least I think it was "Will & Grace") where one of the characters looks at Will and says, "Your youth called. It wants its shirt back." When I was on a different site, I actually had a guy who was 40 include in his list of "5 Things He Couldn't Do Without" pizza, Mountain Dew, and his skateboard.
5. You have body dysmorphia -- in the wrong way. I have some body dysmorphia issues -- because of my weight loss and knowing I still have a way to go, I tend to see myself much heavier than I actually am. But if you list your body type as "average" and it is obvious from your pictures that you are 50 or more pounds overweight, sadly that's not "average." Technically, given America and our obesity epidemic, maybe it is average, but let's face it... you're "overweight." Perhaps I'm projecting, but I have experienced men who have been that way about their own bodies and yet are very critical of women's bodies. And admittedly I may be egregiously judging a larger group of people by the actions of a few, so this is where I reveal my shallowness and just say I don't find men who are 50 or more pounds overweight to be attractive.
But I have an email from Bachelor #5 to reply to. So this ends tonight's rant.
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