Tradition versus Progressiveness
Dating advice websites are very interesting. They have all these slideshows and lists of what one should and should not do when in a relationship or starting to date someone. Sometimes, they are contradictory. Sometimes, they are just hilarious. Sometimes, I have to shake my head at the realization that someone felt the need to produce that article and it was probably because someone else was clueless enough to ask for the advice.
Yet one thread is clear: it's not 1950 anymore, ladies.
Current gender inequality issues such as equal pay aside, this relieves some pressures on both men & women when it comes to dating. Or perhaps I should more fairly say it levels out the pressures.
The "traditional" dating roles put a lot of pressure on the man. He had to make the advances. He had to plan the dates. He had to foot the bills. He had to follow up with flowers. Basically, us ladies were to look gorgeous and be pursued, so once caught we could keep house in a dress, heels, and pearls, and have dinner on the table when our man got home from work. And those were our pressures: being the perfect lady, housewife, the one who could organize the best office party, raise the kids, and spoil her man.
Now we get to ask the men out. We get to pursue, and we can say no to those pearls and heels. With that comes... we get to pursue and all the related stress! Should we make the first move? Does he want to be pursued or does he see that kind of woman as needy or pushy? If we ask him out, should we pay?
Ah, yes. Paying on dates. Man treat? Lady treat? Dutch? At what point does it shift? The way I was raised, essentially, was that whoever did the inviting did the paying. I suppose my upbringing was more progressive than I may have thought, given some of the other morals and ethics I was raised with. I have an ex in my history for whom this was an ongoing battle once we got past the initial early dating stages. Our desire to take care of the check was at times so crazy, we'd go to extremes to pay for a meal. It was not uncommon for one of us to "need to use the restroom" only to have that be an excuse to give our card to the waiter with instructions on the check -- usually before the drinks or appetizers were even served. It was both comical and at times, frustrating -- for us as well as for the server!
Which brings us to this weekend's baseball "date." Before ordering the tickets, I made sure the price we'd found was okay with P. I don't want to make any assumptions about his financial status or what he chooses to do with his money, and we were looking at him picking up two tickets (at least) -- him and his son. He was fine with the cost. Then I asked him, since I invited him, could I get one of their tickets?
In the past, I've usually had to fight with the man to get him to say yes. My last "casual dating relationship" had me needing to come up with almost nefarious ways to "pay back" the man because he rarely let me pick up the bill for anything. Not that I necessarily minded, since he was bringing in over six figures and I was fresh out of grad school, but I prefer relationships to be an equal meshing. I'm not a gold digger, looking for her sugar daddy.
Well, P's response was rapid and succinct. "Sure! ;)"
Here's where I now admit my own inner turmoil and dilemma. Even though I'd done the asking and have all these beliefs about equality in relationships, part of me wanted him to say "No." Part of me also wanted him to offer to get my ticket. I immediately kicked myself for that thought, and my friend who is coming into town also let me know she thought I was an arse for picking up one of his tickets. However, she asked why, and here was my answer:
1. I invited him. 2. This way, he'll OWE ME.
Does that make me an evil bitch? Possibly. Then again, we haven't directly talked about the complete equation in "traditional" dating. You probably know where I'm going -- the guy pays for dinner, a movie or some other form of entertainment, possibly brings flowers or a gift, and what does he generally expect from the lady? Yep, sex. Forwarding this to progressive, modern times, why can't the woman flip the tables?
This doesn't mean I'm going to jump him at the first possible opportunity, ladies and gentlemen. And frankly, I don't expect sexual favors as a "thank you" for a baseball ticket. A reciprocal date, however, is another story. Besides, not only do I think he's attractive, witty, intelligent, all those things, but it turns out he's a man who has an appreciation for a woman's shoes.
My mother calls me the Imelda Marcos of the Midwest.
Oh, yeah.
Yet one thread is clear: it's not 1950 anymore, ladies.
Current gender inequality issues such as equal pay aside, this relieves some pressures on both men & women when it comes to dating. Or perhaps I should more fairly say it levels out the pressures.
The "traditional" dating roles put a lot of pressure on the man. He had to make the advances. He had to plan the dates. He had to foot the bills. He had to follow up with flowers. Basically, us ladies were to look gorgeous and be pursued, so once caught we could keep house in a dress, heels, and pearls, and have dinner on the table when our man got home from work. And those were our pressures: being the perfect lady, housewife, the one who could organize the best office party, raise the kids, and spoil her man.
Now we get to ask the men out. We get to pursue, and we can say no to those pearls and heels. With that comes... we get to pursue and all the related stress! Should we make the first move? Does he want to be pursued or does he see that kind of woman as needy or pushy? If we ask him out, should we pay?
Ah, yes. Paying on dates. Man treat? Lady treat? Dutch? At what point does it shift? The way I was raised, essentially, was that whoever did the inviting did the paying. I suppose my upbringing was more progressive than I may have thought, given some of the other morals and ethics I was raised with. I have an ex in my history for whom this was an ongoing battle once we got past the initial early dating stages. Our desire to take care of the check was at times so crazy, we'd go to extremes to pay for a meal. It was not uncommon for one of us to "need to use the restroom" only to have that be an excuse to give our card to the waiter with instructions on the check -- usually before the drinks or appetizers were even served. It was both comical and at times, frustrating -- for us as well as for the server!
Which brings us to this weekend's baseball "date." Before ordering the tickets, I made sure the price we'd found was okay with P. I don't want to make any assumptions about his financial status or what he chooses to do with his money, and we were looking at him picking up two tickets (at least) -- him and his son. He was fine with the cost. Then I asked him, since I invited him, could I get one of their tickets?
In the past, I've usually had to fight with the man to get him to say yes. My last "casual dating relationship" had me needing to come up with almost nefarious ways to "pay back" the man because he rarely let me pick up the bill for anything. Not that I necessarily minded, since he was bringing in over six figures and I was fresh out of grad school, but I prefer relationships to be an equal meshing. I'm not a gold digger, looking for her sugar daddy.
Well, P's response was rapid and succinct. "Sure! ;)"
Here's where I now admit my own inner turmoil and dilemma. Even though I'd done the asking and have all these beliefs about equality in relationships, part of me wanted him to say "No." Part of me also wanted him to offer to get my ticket. I immediately kicked myself for that thought, and my friend who is coming into town also let me know she thought I was an arse for picking up one of his tickets. However, she asked why, and here was my answer:
1. I invited him. 2. This way, he'll OWE ME.
Does that make me an evil bitch? Possibly. Then again, we haven't directly talked about the complete equation in "traditional" dating. You probably know where I'm going -- the guy pays for dinner, a movie or some other form of entertainment, possibly brings flowers or a gift, and what does he generally expect from the lady? Yep, sex. Forwarding this to progressive, modern times, why can't the woman flip the tables?
This doesn't mean I'm going to jump him at the first possible opportunity, ladies and gentlemen. And frankly, I don't expect sexual favors as a "thank you" for a baseball ticket. A reciprocal date, however, is another story. Besides, not only do I think he's attractive, witty, intelligent, all those things, but it turns out he's a man who has an appreciation for a woman's shoes.
My mother calls me the Imelda Marcos of the Midwest.
Oh, yeah.
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