Whoa! Slow Down, Buckaroo! (Updated)
Recently, I read an article making a case for a sixth sense. Not the ability to be psychic or see dead people, but to make "intuition" a bona fide sense. Some people call it their gut, others say they just have a feeling, but we've all experienced it, and many of us have benefited from it.
However, like our other senses, it can be easily ignored. How? Just like seeing something, and yet not believing it. When I've listened to that inner voice, it has most always led me in the right direction. Years ago in undergrad, when it led me to dye my hair almost purple, okay, that wasn't so good. Or to fire off certain emails, one of which led to the end of a relationship, not such hot advice. It's not infallible, that is for sure.
How it speaks to us is another matter. Sometimes it's just a little mental tickle, a teeny itch that says, "Something is not right." Sometimes it is waving a caution flag like it's trying out to work for NASCAR. And then there are the times it gets one of those big light-up traffic signs with words on it and parks it in your bedroom and hooks it to your car to tail you everywhere, saying DANGER!
Yesterday, initially with #7 I was feeling a little tickle from my intuition. Something wasn't quite right. Things were moving awfully fast, pushing to text so soon. Then the nicknames started, and I took a little step back. Unfortunately my southern roots lead me to call most everyone "darlin," so I am not without guilt but I have been very careful about it, especially since the nicknames started. The nicknames are innocuous, mostly calling me "sweety," (yes, spelled incorrectly. Cringe.) but they are constant. Then came a couple of kissy emoticons. I did NOT reply to those.
My intuition started looking for its yellow NASCAR flag.
I slept horridly last night, and was at my desk by 6:45 this morning because it was one of those weeks. At 9:45ish, I got my "good morning" text from #7. Accompanied by an unsolicited half-naked picture.
My intuition dropped the yellow flag and started pricing road signs.
I did not acknowledge the picture. It actually brought back unpleasant memories of the one Match connection I regret, this one from over a year ago. I did reply to the text but it was blunt, saying I was having a crazy morning at work and I'd talk to him later. That was 100% true. When I did reply later, I apologized for being blunt, saying it had been an extremely stressful day at work and I was leaving the office over an hour later than normal. Also 100% true.
He didn't reply for almost an hour and a half because he was taking a nap. When he mentioned that, I said, "Ooh. Nap. I need one of those." His response? "When I get there, you can take one with me. ;)"
My intuition rented two of the big road signs: one for my bedroom AND one to hitch to the back of my car.
I told him in no uncertain terms to slow down. I also told him I do not do well with guys who push things too fast and that while he was probably just flirting, I've had some bad experiences and slow is the way to win me over. Again, 100% true. Then I texted my yenta, who replied "WTF, WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO YOUR GUT YOU MORON?"
Okay, it was more eloquent and didn't use any profanity. Nor did she yell at me. But I've known her long enough to know what she was really thinking, hence the "translation" above. It's advice I'd give any other friend, but we all know the line "doctor, heal thyself?"
So what am I going to do? I've never been good at really standing up for myself in matters of dating, and that comes from a history of limited attention from men and a psyche that hasn't caught up with the fact I'm not that person anymore. Ergo, I think I need to cling to attention, even when it is not the right attention. (A couple of "I see this as long term" as long as "long term" means 2 weeks relationships doesn't help matters.) But we do know I'm a planner. So here is what I've planned.
I know a conversation is on the horizon, and I'll have to initiate it. I want to know what his intentions and wants are while he's in town next week. What is he looking for? What does he think will happen? I will NOT get into a relationship after a couple of dates, period. I've been now twice burned by that, so you'd think I'd learn my lesson. Maybe I finally have. And I am definitely not going to get into a relationship with someone who lives several hundred miles away. Right now, I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship.
At this point, unless something disturbing comes from that conversation, I'm still going to meet him. If there is no chemistry, then I can nip this in the bud NOW rather than having it drag on for 3 months before he moves here. If there is chemistry (frankly, unlikely, but I've been wrong before), then we can talk more about the future and the fact I'll still be out on Match.
I also have a couple of escape hatches. The first is #6, G. I can always use the "there's this other guy..." bit, and it'll be true. Incidentally, we have finalized a second date, which will be lunch on Tuesday. The second is using the "I thought I was over my ex, but I'm not..." line, which is in many ways true, but not 100%.
Timeout. True story: as I was finishing up that paragraph, D texted. A long text thanking me for the birthday card I had sent, among other sentiments. I'm not going to get into them, because I already have too much drama to deal with. I replied and told him he was welcome, I hope he'd had a good birthday, and that although we both need more time before we can be real friends, to stay in touch. He thanked me for that.
#7 is now way out of my mind. I can't even wrap my brain around finishing this post in some sort of neat and tidy manner. I'm going to go find some chocolate.
UPDATE: After writing the next post, I spent way too much time composing a text to #7 to get some space. I debated telling him my ex was involved, things like that, and ultimately said I'd had something VERY unexpected come up personally and professionally, and if he didn't hear much from me not to take it personally - I was just trying to get the project done and my head on straight. I then said I'd let him know about Sunday, if I could do that. I did not mention my ex.
He replied that it was no problem, he understood, and just let's call it off. Sweety.
Now I don't know if we've "called off" just the date, communicating, whatever, not that it should matter since I was getting more and more red flags from him. I do feel a bit like a bitch, though. Still, I'll get over it.
However, like our other senses, it can be easily ignored. How? Just like seeing something, and yet not believing it. When I've listened to that inner voice, it has most always led me in the right direction. Years ago in undergrad, when it led me to dye my hair almost purple, okay, that wasn't so good. Or to fire off certain emails, one of which led to the end of a relationship, not such hot advice. It's not infallible, that is for sure.
How it speaks to us is another matter. Sometimes it's just a little mental tickle, a teeny itch that says, "Something is not right." Sometimes it is waving a caution flag like it's trying out to work for NASCAR. And then there are the times it gets one of those big light-up traffic signs with words on it and parks it in your bedroom and hooks it to your car to tail you everywhere, saying DANGER!
Yesterday, initially with #7 I was feeling a little tickle from my intuition. Something wasn't quite right. Things were moving awfully fast, pushing to text so soon. Then the nicknames started, and I took a little step back. Unfortunately my southern roots lead me to call most everyone "darlin," so I am not without guilt but I have been very careful about it, especially since the nicknames started. The nicknames are innocuous, mostly calling me "sweety," (yes, spelled incorrectly. Cringe.) but they are constant. Then came a couple of kissy emoticons. I did NOT reply to those.
My intuition started looking for its yellow NASCAR flag.
I slept horridly last night, and was at my desk by 6:45 this morning because it was one of those weeks. At 9:45ish, I got my "good morning" text from #7. Accompanied by an unsolicited half-naked picture.
My intuition dropped the yellow flag and started pricing road signs.
I did not acknowledge the picture. It actually brought back unpleasant memories of the one Match connection I regret, this one from over a year ago. I did reply to the text but it was blunt, saying I was having a crazy morning at work and I'd talk to him later. That was 100% true. When I did reply later, I apologized for being blunt, saying it had been an extremely stressful day at work and I was leaving the office over an hour later than normal. Also 100% true.
He didn't reply for almost an hour and a half because he was taking a nap. When he mentioned that, I said, "Ooh. Nap. I need one of those." His response? "When I get there, you can take one with me. ;)"
My intuition rented two of the big road signs: one for my bedroom AND one to hitch to the back of my car.
I told him in no uncertain terms to slow down. I also told him I do not do well with guys who push things too fast and that while he was probably just flirting, I've had some bad experiences and slow is the way to win me over. Again, 100% true. Then I texted my yenta, who replied "WTF, WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO YOUR GUT YOU MORON?"
Okay, it was more eloquent and didn't use any profanity. Nor did she yell at me. But I've known her long enough to know what she was really thinking, hence the "translation" above. It's advice I'd give any other friend, but we all know the line "doctor, heal thyself?"
So what am I going to do? I've never been good at really standing up for myself in matters of dating, and that comes from a history of limited attention from men and a psyche that hasn't caught up with the fact I'm not that person anymore. Ergo, I think I need to cling to attention, even when it is not the right attention. (A couple of "I see this as long term" as long as "long term" means 2 weeks relationships doesn't help matters.) But we do know I'm a planner. So here is what I've planned.
I know a conversation is on the horizon, and I'll have to initiate it. I want to know what his intentions and wants are while he's in town next week. What is he looking for? What does he think will happen? I will NOT get into a relationship after a couple of dates, period. I've been now twice burned by that, so you'd think I'd learn my lesson. Maybe I finally have. And I am definitely not going to get into a relationship with someone who lives several hundred miles away. Right now, I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship.
At this point, unless something disturbing comes from that conversation, I'm still going to meet him. If there is no chemistry, then I can nip this in the bud NOW rather than having it drag on for 3 months before he moves here. If there is chemistry (frankly, unlikely, but I've been wrong before), then we can talk more about the future and the fact I'll still be out on Match.
I also have a couple of escape hatches. The first is #6, G. I can always use the "there's this other guy..." bit, and it'll be true. Incidentally, we have finalized a second date, which will be lunch on Tuesday. The second is using the "I thought I was over my ex, but I'm not..." line, which is in many ways true, but not 100%.
Timeout. True story: as I was finishing up that paragraph, D texted. A long text thanking me for the birthday card I had sent, among other sentiments. I'm not going to get into them, because I already have too much drama to deal with. I replied and told him he was welcome, I hope he'd had a good birthday, and that although we both need more time before we can be real friends, to stay in touch. He thanked me for that.
#7 is now way out of my mind. I can't even wrap my brain around finishing this post in some sort of neat and tidy manner. I'm going to go find some chocolate.
UPDATE: After writing the next post, I spent way too much time composing a text to #7 to get some space. I debated telling him my ex was involved, things like that, and ultimately said I'd had something VERY unexpected come up personally and professionally, and if he didn't hear much from me not to take it personally - I was just trying to get the project done and my head on straight. I then said I'd let him know about Sunday, if I could do that. I did not mention my ex.
He replied that it was no problem, he understood, and just let's call it off. Sweety.
Now I don't know if we've "called off" just the date, communicating, whatever, not that it should matter since I was getting more and more red flags from him. I do feel a bit like a bitch, though. Still, I'll get over it.
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