Tales of Two Types
I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to guys who are actually going to communicate with you, there are three types on Match. (Yes, I know the title of this post says "two." Bear with me for a moment.) In a nutshell, we have:
Type 1 - The Communicator
Type 2 - The Meeter
Type 3 - The Player
Going out of order, Type 3 - The Player is the one I avoid at all costs. These are the guys who are looking for a hookup and nothing else. They may pop up in a chat window or send an email or two, but once they think they have you on the chain it becomes all about sex. How soon can you meet up for sex? Will you come over now or later to perform fellatio? (Although obviously worded less gentilly.) So Type 3 is not relevant to this musing.
Which leaves us Types 1 & 2. There are pros and cons to each type, and I have yet to determine what is actually the best for me.
Type 1 - The Communicator
This is the guy who will send lots of email and text messages prior to actually asking for a date. He may also want to speak on the phone prior to the date request, or at the very least prior to the date itself. Sometimes there are so many messages without the date request that you feel like you want to reach through the phone, strangle them, and say, "shit or get off the pot already!"
Pros: You really start to get to know someone when there is a lot of communication. Some of the attraction is built upon personality, intelligence, etc., rather than physical appearance. Having discussed many things prior to meeting, some of the awkwardness is taken out of the first date; you may already know certain topics should be avoided. For example, if you know someone is divorced and has kids, on a first date without much prior communicating you might ask about the kids only to find out there is a bad relationship there or the ex is using the kids as a pawn. That will definitely put a damper on the date. But if you have already gotten some of that info via text, such as a "gotta pick up my kids at my ex's house, hope there isn't drama like most times," then you know that perhaps that is a topic best left for future dates.
Cons: The first date can feel anti-climatic. Written communication has a lot of variables for interpretation, and personalities can be misinterpreted. (Was that sarcasm? Are they really that dumb?) There's no body language to help you gauge understanding or reactions. Prior to the first meeting, you can develop an attraction to someone based on the communication alone, only to find out in person things are different because perhaps they were stifling their personalities in fear of offending or seeming crazy. Or, you can be attracted to the personality only to not be attracted to the person, physically. I mean, I don't want to sound shallow, but if there isn't a physical attraction then ultimately there won't be a successful relationship.
And one con that may be unique to me, but I already know sometimes I'm too nice: spending so much time communicating almost makes me feel obligated to a second date regardless of how the first date goes. Part of this is because it is rare that a guy will spend a week or more texting and calling only to suggest "a drink" for a date; these guys will do much more than that. Example one: D. Dinner at a 4+ star restaurant, walk in the park to watch the sunset, etc. Example two: A, tonight's date. Dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by tickets to well-known stars at one of the biggest comedy clubs in town. Both dates total, financially, in excess of $100. That's a lot to spend on most any date, but especially a first date. So if he wants a second date, even if I'm not really into him even after all the communicating and the lengths he went to for the first date, I tend to feel obligated to go on the second date. And if the first date goes really well, it has been my experience that everything gets accelerated too quickly. Both D and The Ex fell into this category, and while with D things were truly legit, both experiences didn't just leave me burned, they left me charred and blackened by the intensity.
Type 2 - The Meeter
This guy is NOT into texting, emailing, and maybe even chatting on the phone much prior to meeting. He's seen your pictures, read your profile, and communicated with you just enough to know there's sufficient mutual interest to meet. Typically you'll meet for "coffee or a drink," perhaps with an open-ended schedule. He doesn't want to waste time on the endless text and phone chit-chat, but rather just meet and see if there's chemistry, because life is too short (or they are too busy) to spend a week "getting to know someone" only to have the meeting be a bomb.
Pros: Like I just said, you don't end up investing a lot of time prior to knowing if there's a real connection. There's a chance for real chemistry through-and-through: physical and personality. The first date can be blessedly short if it turns out there isn't a connection. Things are allowed to move at a more normal dating progression, more along the lines of "old school" dating where you actually meet someone somewhere and exchange numbers and then wonder if they'll call yada yada yada.
Cons: This kind of date can be hell on earth for an introvert who hates making small talk with strangers, which is most every introvert because that's one of the hallmarks of being an introvert. Even if you aren't an introvert, if it turns out there's no connection, that one drink or cup of coffee can seem to take for-ev-er to consume. There is a slightly increased risk, safety-wise, because when you meet someone who is basically a stranger you have less information to base your gut safety stuff on. What do I mean? Well, does the guy seem to have a short fuse? Is he someone who has a history of being domineering? I'm not saying that prior to meeting you'd necessarily find out that the guy has a history of domestic violence or is an ex-con (although you might), but these are the ones that, when meeting, I always have a safety back-up plan: I post on Facebook where I am and that I'm meeting this guy, and I have shared pertinent information with a couple of friends just in case something goes very wrong. (And yes, I know this can be true of The Communicators, too.)
I did have a friend share with me yesterday her tip for "getting out" of a bad date or a second date obligation: she pays for her half, period. Nothing screams "friendzone" louder on a first date than the woman wanting to go Dutch when the bill arrives. Now later dates, going Dutch is just a courtesy between two people who are self-sufficient, independent, successful, and are going into something together. Besides, you've already gotten past the first, second, and probably even third date before getting to this point.
I'm not sure I completely agree with her. Granted, I've been in situations where the thought has certainly crossed my mind. But I'm also old-fashioned in many ways, and I tend to think if the guy asks me out, then the guy should treat. After all, if I do the asking, then I expect to pay. I'm also, as has already been said, sometimes too nice for my own damn good. Meaning, I don't want to hurt or insult somebody at the end of a date with an action like that. I am also aware, though, of the fiscal inequality on Match. I think I've included this in previous blogs, about how I sometimes feel for guys because first they plunk down a chunk of change for a Match membership, and then they are further spending money on all these dates.
Obviously, A is a Type 1, and G, my Wednesday night date, is a Type 2. So I will wrap up this post with a quick update on both gentlemen.
A: tonight is our first date. He just returned very late last night from his business trip. While gone, we did quite a bit of texting and talked on the phone a few times. If he'd had his way, we would have talked every night, but schedules on his end forbid that. And really, I was okay with that. I am looking forward to tonight, although not with the normal level of excitement I often have for a first date. Then again, I'm not looking for anything serious right now and I'm admittedly cynical and jaded after two years of this.
G: Wednesday went really well. I was tickled to see his name pop up on my phone as I was teaching one of my fitness classes; yay! He's calling! But, I couldn't answer. When I got to my break between classes, I was slightly perturbed to see he'd called twice. And left two voicemails. Um, stalker? So I listened to the voice mails.
I'd been butt-dialed. Twice.
So I texted him about that and we shared a good laugh. I let him know I hoped to really hear from him at some point, and he said he'd call me after work. He was true to his word, but the conversation was 6 minutes long; he was about to pick up his kids and I was getting ready for work. A couple of times he confirmed my travel schedule and said something along the lines of "well, I'll talk to you when you get back," to which I told him that I would be available during my conference. "You won't be in meetings all the time?" *facepalm* No, I won't be. But I do have to be cognizant of his schedule, too; as a chef-owner-manager, he leaves for work at 4:00 am and is usually in bed between 9:00 and 10:00 pm. However, if this conference schedule is like conferences past, we always have a block of "free time" around dinner, which should be a good time for both of us.
Yes, I will post tomorrow about tonight's date. Ever onward, drama fans!
Type 1 - The Communicator
Type 2 - The Meeter
Type 3 - The Player
Going out of order, Type 3 - The Player is the one I avoid at all costs. These are the guys who are looking for a hookup and nothing else. They may pop up in a chat window or send an email or two, but once they think they have you on the chain it becomes all about sex. How soon can you meet up for sex? Will you come over now or later to perform fellatio? (Although obviously worded less gentilly.) So Type 3 is not relevant to this musing.
Which leaves us Types 1 & 2. There are pros and cons to each type, and I have yet to determine what is actually the best for me.
Type 1 - The Communicator
This is the guy who will send lots of email and text messages prior to actually asking for a date. He may also want to speak on the phone prior to the date request, or at the very least prior to the date itself. Sometimes there are so many messages without the date request that you feel like you want to reach through the phone, strangle them, and say, "shit or get off the pot already!"
Pros: You really start to get to know someone when there is a lot of communication. Some of the attraction is built upon personality, intelligence, etc., rather than physical appearance. Having discussed many things prior to meeting, some of the awkwardness is taken out of the first date; you may already know certain topics should be avoided. For example, if you know someone is divorced and has kids, on a first date without much prior communicating you might ask about the kids only to find out there is a bad relationship there or the ex is using the kids as a pawn. That will definitely put a damper on the date. But if you have already gotten some of that info via text, such as a "gotta pick up my kids at my ex's house, hope there isn't drama like most times," then you know that perhaps that is a topic best left for future dates.
Cons: The first date can feel anti-climatic. Written communication has a lot of variables for interpretation, and personalities can be misinterpreted. (Was that sarcasm? Are they really that dumb?) There's no body language to help you gauge understanding or reactions. Prior to the first meeting, you can develop an attraction to someone based on the communication alone, only to find out in person things are different because perhaps they were stifling their personalities in fear of offending or seeming crazy. Or, you can be attracted to the personality only to not be attracted to the person, physically. I mean, I don't want to sound shallow, but if there isn't a physical attraction then ultimately there won't be a successful relationship.
And one con that may be unique to me, but I already know sometimes I'm too nice: spending so much time communicating almost makes me feel obligated to a second date regardless of how the first date goes. Part of this is because it is rare that a guy will spend a week or more texting and calling only to suggest "a drink" for a date; these guys will do much more than that. Example one: D. Dinner at a 4+ star restaurant, walk in the park to watch the sunset, etc. Example two: A, tonight's date. Dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by tickets to well-known stars at one of the biggest comedy clubs in town. Both dates total, financially, in excess of $100. That's a lot to spend on most any date, but especially a first date. So if he wants a second date, even if I'm not really into him even after all the communicating and the lengths he went to for the first date, I tend to feel obligated to go on the second date. And if the first date goes really well, it has been my experience that everything gets accelerated too quickly. Both D and The Ex fell into this category, and while with D things were truly legit, both experiences didn't just leave me burned, they left me charred and blackened by the intensity.
Type 2 - The Meeter
This guy is NOT into texting, emailing, and maybe even chatting on the phone much prior to meeting. He's seen your pictures, read your profile, and communicated with you just enough to know there's sufficient mutual interest to meet. Typically you'll meet for "coffee or a drink," perhaps with an open-ended schedule. He doesn't want to waste time on the endless text and phone chit-chat, but rather just meet and see if there's chemistry, because life is too short (or they are too busy) to spend a week "getting to know someone" only to have the meeting be a bomb.
Pros: Like I just said, you don't end up investing a lot of time prior to knowing if there's a real connection. There's a chance for real chemistry through-and-through: physical and personality. The first date can be blessedly short if it turns out there isn't a connection. Things are allowed to move at a more normal dating progression, more along the lines of "old school" dating where you actually meet someone somewhere and exchange numbers and then wonder if they'll call yada yada yada.
Cons: This kind of date can be hell on earth for an introvert who hates making small talk with strangers, which is most every introvert because that's one of the hallmarks of being an introvert. Even if you aren't an introvert, if it turns out there's no connection, that one drink or cup of coffee can seem to take for-ev-er to consume. There is a slightly increased risk, safety-wise, because when you meet someone who is basically a stranger you have less information to base your gut safety stuff on. What do I mean? Well, does the guy seem to have a short fuse? Is he someone who has a history of being domineering? I'm not saying that prior to meeting you'd necessarily find out that the guy has a history of domestic violence or is an ex-con (although you might), but these are the ones that, when meeting, I always have a safety back-up plan: I post on Facebook where I am and that I'm meeting this guy, and I have shared pertinent information with a couple of friends just in case something goes very wrong. (And yes, I know this can be true of The Communicators, too.)
I did have a friend share with me yesterday her tip for "getting out" of a bad date or a second date obligation: she pays for her half, period. Nothing screams "friendzone" louder on a first date than the woman wanting to go Dutch when the bill arrives. Now later dates, going Dutch is just a courtesy between two people who are self-sufficient, independent, successful, and are going into something together. Besides, you've already gotten past the first, second, and probably even third date before getting to this point.
I'm not sure I completely agree with her. Granted, I've been in situations where the thought has certainly crossed my mind. But I'm also old-fashioned in many ways, and I tend to think if the guy asks me out, then the guy should treat. After all, if I do the asking, then I expect to pay. I'm also, as has already been said, sometimes too nice for my own damn good. Meaning, I don't want to hurt or insult somebody at the end of a date with an action like that. I am also aware, though, of the fiscal inequality on Match. I think I've included this in previous blogs, about how I sometimes feel for guys because first they plunk down a chunk of change for a Match membership, and then they are further spending money on all these dates.
Obviously, A is a Type 1, and G, my Wednesday night date, is a Type 2. So I will wrap up this post with a quick update on both gentlemen.
A: tonight is our first date. He just returned very late last night from his business trip. While gone, we did quite a bit of texting and talked on the phone a few times. If he'd had his way, we would have talked every night, but schedules on his end forbid that. And really, I was okay with that. I am looking forward to tonight, although not with the normal level of excitement I often have for a first date. Then again, I'm not looking for anything serious right now and I'm admittedly cynical and jaded after two years of this.
G: Wednesday went really well. I was tickled to see his name pop up on my phone as I was teaching one of my fitness classes; yay! He's calling! But, I couldn't answer. When I got to my break between classes, I was slightly perturbed to see he'd called twice. And left two voicemails. Um, stalker? So I listened to the voice mails.
I'd been butt-dialed. Twice.
So I texted him about that and we shared a good laugh. I let him know I hoped to really hear from him at some point, and he said he'd call me after work. He was true to his word, but the conversation was 6 minutes long; he was about to pick up his kids and I was getting ready for work. A couple of times he confirmed my travel schedule and said something along the lines of "well, I'll talk to you when you get back," to which I told him that I would be available during my conference. "You won't be in meetings all the time?" *facepalm* No, I won't be. But I do have to be cognizant of his schedule, too; as a chef-owner-manager, he leaves for work at 4:00 am and is usually in bed between 9:00 and 10:00 pm. However, if this conference schedule is like conferences past, we always have a block of "free time" around dinner, which should be a good time for both of us.
Yes, I will post tomorrow about tonight's date. Ever onward, drama fans!
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