The Insecurity Dichotomy
When I last blogged, I was waiting for a response to a sext I'd sent P. Remember? The "offer has been made, take it or leave it" racy pic?
I got a response. Boy, did I get a response. And some interesting things to ruminate upon.
It's pretty much impossible to be in one's mid-30s and not have some sort of baggage when it comes to relationships. Some of my baggage is weirder than the average person. Not many people take a self-identifying bisexual as their first lover. Few sexually active adults are willing to be in a sexless "relationship" for almost 2 years. There have been other guys, but when it comes to sex, while I have lots of book knowledge, I am an older model car with low mileage. If you get what I mean.
I am also a woman of words. I prefer to write rather than talk. Sexting is right up my alley; I can come across confident and knowledgeable even if I'm not. There is also something "safe" about it, that whole "it's easier to say it when you aren't actually saying it to someone's face" thing.
P has given me a hard time about some of the pics I've sent because they aren't explicit enough for him. Here is where my body insecurities run rampant. As of Saturday, I am at the lowest weight I can remember ever being as an adult. But, I am still not where I "want" to be, nor am I where I think -- thanks to society and our culture -- men want me. So yes, the pics I send tend to be artistic, if you will. Shadowy, often with strategically placed arms or clothing. I've been told by former lovers that I have "a pretty face." That said to me, "I slept with you because you are attractive from the neck up, and I was willing to overlook the rest," whether that was intended or not. I have issues, and I don't deny that.
I finally threw that criticism of my pics back in his face, along with the "what are you going to do for me," on Saturday night. At one point I said to him, in essence: my pics aren't racy enough, aren't explicit enough, yet all you send me are pics of you in a suit?
His first answer was to send me a different picture. A very different picture. Very, very different. I'm blushing a little just thinking about that picture.
The "conversation" that followed that night, and into the wee hours of the morning, basically cost me any decent sleep on what was already going to be a short night. It also ended in a way that I would never have expected. Previously, I've blogged that there have been some times where I've picked up on what I though was a little insecurity from P, but I also thought I was probably projecting or otherwise seeing things that weren't there.
Let's face it, though. When a man asks you at 3:15 in the morning how, based on a picture, he compares in size to your other lovers... it's pretty clear there's some insecurity going on there. And at 3:15 in the morning, after a very long day and when the alarm is going off at 5:30, that isn't the time I want to be stroking someone's ego. (Honestly, at that hour it is rare I want to be stroking anything.)
So he's still worried about what I think about him. Interesting.
While it appears we've shifted mostly to a "relationship" that is about sex -- it hasn't gone completely there, but that's another blog post -- it doesn't mean we are any less human going into it. Beyond a one-night stand with a complete stranger, it takes an incredible amount of trust to sleep with someone. Even in the dark, your partner can feel where you are soft, firm, lumpy, smooth, hairy, hairless, toned, flabby, etc. The physical actions in sex are incredibly subjective; one lover may think you are a fantastic kisser or that was one of the best rounds of oral sex he's ever had, while another lover may think you are as good at giving a blow job as Congress is at being bipartisan. We each have different tastes and preferences when it comes to sex, different things that "work" for us. And I dare say that there are few types of rejection that are more personally degrading than sleeping with someone once only to later be rejected because they deemed your performance inadequate.
It's a fine line I'm walking right now. I'm trying to keep him on the hook, keep him interested, while also understanding he has his own insecurities... that while tempting and teasing, I also have to placate and encourage. We are both stepping out on faith to an extent, taking a risk every time we send a sext or, even more so, a picture.
No one said this would be easy.
I got a response. Boy, did I get a response. And some interesting things to ruminate upon.
It's pretty much impossible to be in one's mid-30s and not have some sort of baggage when it comes to relationships. Some of my baggage is weirder than the average person. Not many people take a self-identifying bisexual as their first lover. Few sexually active adults are willing to be in a sexless "relationship" for almost 2 years. There have been other guys, but when it comes to sex, while I have lots of book knowledge, I am an older model car with low mileage. If you get what I mean.
I am also a woman of words. I prefer to write rather than talk. Sexting is right up my alley; I can come across confident and knowledgeable even if I'm not. There is also something "safe" about it, that whole "it's easier to say it when you aren't actually saying it to someone's face" thing.
P has given me a hard time about some of the pics I've sent because they aren't explicit enough for him. Here is where my body insecurities run rampant. As of Saturday, I am at the lowest weight I can remember ever being as an adult. But, I am still not where I "want" to be, nor am I where I think -- thanks to society and our culture -- men want me. So yes, the pics I send tend to be artistic, if you will. Shadowy, often with strategically placed arms or clothing. I've been told by former lovers that I have "a pretty face." That said to me, "I slept with you because you are attractive from the neck up, and I was willing to overlook the rest," whether that was intended or not. I have issues, and I don't deny that.
I finally threw that criticism of my pics back in his face, along with the "what are you going to do for me," on Saturday night. At one point I said to him, in essence: my pics aren't racy enough, aren't explicit enough, yet all you send me are pics of you in a suit?
His first answer was to send me a different picture. A very different picture. Very, very different. I'm blushing a little just thinking about that picture.
The "conversation" that followed that night, and into the wee hours of the morning, basically cost me any decent sleep on what was already going to be a short night. It also ended in a way that I would never have expected. Previously, I've blogged that there have been some times where I've picked up on what I though was a little insecurity from P, but I also thought I was probably projecting or otherwise seeing things that weren't there.
Let's face it, though. When a man asks you at 3:15 in the morning how, based on a picture, he compares in size to your other lovers... it's pretty clear there's some insecurity going on there. And at 3:15 in the morning, after a very long day and when the alarm is going off at 5:30, that isn't the time I want to be stroking someone's ego. (Honestly, at that hour it is rare I want to be stroking anything.)
So he's still worried about what I think about him. Interesting.
While it appears we've shifted mostly to a "relationship" that is about sex -- it hasn't gone completely there, but that's another blog post -- it doesn't mean we are any less human going into it. Beyond a one-night stand with a complete stranger, it takes an incredible amount of trust to sleep with someone. Even in the dark, your partner can feel where you are soft, firm, lumpy, smooth, hairy, hairless, toned, flabby, etc. The physical actions in sex are incredibly subjective; one lover may think you are a fantastic kisser or that was one of the best rounds of oral sex he's ever had, while another lover may think you are as good at giving a blow job as Congress is at being bipartisan. We each have different tastes and preferences when it comes to sex, different things that "work" for us. And I dare say that there are few types of rejection that are more personally degrading than sleeping with someone once only to later be rejected because they deemed your performance inadequate.
It's a fine line I'm walking right now. I'm trying to keep him on the hook, keep him interested, while also understanding he has his own insecurities... that while tempting and teasing, I also have to placate and encourage. We are both stepping out on faith to an extent, taking a risk every time we send a sext or, even more so, a picture.
No one said this would be easy.
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