Why Does This Feel So Clandestine?
Tonight in our somewhat usual Monday evening text conversation, I asked P if he would be available to come over to my place next weekend. I want to cook for him; some would argue that cooking is my best non-musical talent. It turns out that next weekend is his high school reunion, so he is not available as he will be out of town.
Allow me to wax nostalgic and go off on a tangent for a moment. One of the very first emails I ever got from him referenced this reunion, although not necessarily in a good way. See, he'd just buried one of his high school classmates who died unexpectedly while overseas on a trip, and he mentioned that it was a cruel irony that their reunion was next month. Yet that reference, reminding me of a long-ago email... ok, I'm a sappy mess, I admit it!
But now having my weekend more open than I was hoping for, I bit the bullet. I replied to K, first teasing him saying, "wow, you really want that coffee date, don't you?" And then I said that my weekend had opened up and if he was available some afternoon or evening then let's find a place.
Upon hitting send, I felt like I was cheating on P, setting up a clandestine rendezvous with another man while he is out of town. At this point, I have to say again, if only to remind myself, that P and I do not have an exclusive relationship. Again being honest, it appears what he wants primarily from me is sex. Granted he's sent more mixed signals than a drunken first base coach, and perhaps I'm being way too optimistic that I can channel his need for the physical into something deeper. The only way I'm going to know is through time and if we can ever have a conversation where neither of us is easily distracted by lewd and/or suggestive comments.
Oh, yes, I'm equally guilty of that. Let's face it -- and I've said this before -- he rocks my libido like no one has in a very long time. I also can't forget that when we've been together and had our clothing on, the conversations have been really great. I find being intellectually stimulated very appealing, and he has no shortage of opinions on subjects that are more deep, if you will, than say sports or the weather. I am in much too deep at this point, I admit it!
So we shall see what happens this week and into the weekend, if K and I find time for that cup of coffee, and if my opinions of him change at all. I also winked back at Bachelor #8, the one who was also in the mix very early on. I'm putting that ball squarely in his court as to whether or not we email. And then there was the most recent round of matches that all seemed to have one big thing in common: they all wanted kids. Almost desperately wanted kids.
The irony? I just blogged about my thoughts on motherhood the other night over on my main personal blog: www.singlesoprano.blogspot.com, where I shared my peace with being less able to get pregnant naturally than the average woman, and also where I said I was perfectly fine with never having kids, much to my mother's chagrin.
Still, it's only Monday. A lot can change in a day. Look at least week. Monday = all is fine! Tuesday = text message misunderstanding, loss of sleep. Wednesday = text message debacle gets cleared, all is great! Thursday = a very quiet day. Friday = I end up driving to his place at 9:30 at night for the principle purpose of sex.
Let's see what drama this week holds.
Allow me to wax nostalgic and go off on a tangent for a moment. One of the very first emails I ever got from him referenced this reunion, although not necessarily in a good way. See, he'd just buried one of his high school classmates who died unexpectedly while overseas on a trip, and he mentioned that it was a cruel irony that their reunion was next month. Yet that reference, reminding me of a long-ago email... ok, I'm a sappy mess, I admit it!
But now having my weekend more open than I was hoping for, I bit the bullet. I replied to K, first teasing him saying, "wow, you really want that coffee date, don't you?" And then I said that my weekend had opened up and if he was available some afternoon or evening then let's find a place.
Upon hitting send, I felt like I was cheating on P, setting up a clandestine rendezvous with another man while he is out of town. At this point, I have to say again, if only to remind myself, that P and I do not have an exclusive relationship. Again being honest, it appears what he wants primarily from me is sex. Granted he's sent more mixed signals than a drunken first base coach, and perhaps I'm being way too optimistic that I can channel his need for the physical into something deeper. The only way I'm going to know is through time and if we can ever have a conversation where neither of us is easily distracted by lewd and/or suggestive comments.
Oh, yes, I'm equally guilty of that. Let's face it -- and I've said this before -- he rocks my libido like no one has in a very long time. I also can't forget that when we've been together and had our clothing on, the conversations have been really great. I find being intellectually stimulated very appealing, and he has no shortage of opinions on subjects that are more deep, if you will, than say sports or the weather. I am in much too deep at this point, I admit it!
So we shall see what happens this week and into the weekend, if K and I find time for that cup of coffee, and if my opinions of him change at all. I also winked back at Bachelor #8, the one who was also in the mix very early on. I'm putting that ball squarely in his court as to whether or not we email. And then there was the most recent round of matches that all seemed to have one big thing in common: they all wanted kids. Almost desperately wanted kids.
The irony? I just blogged about my thoughts on motherhood the other night over on my main personal blog: www.singlesoprano.blogspot.com, where I shared my peace with being less able to get pregnant naturally than the average woman, and also where I said I was perfectly fine with never having kids, much to my mother's chagrin.
Still, it's only Monday. A lot can change in a day. Look at least week. Monday = all is fine! Tuesday = text message misunderstanding, loss of sleep. Wednesday = text message debacle gets cleared, all is great! Thursday = a very quiet day. Friday = I end up driving to his place at 9:30 at night for the principle purpose of sex.
Let's see what drama this week holds.
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