A Rollercoaster of My Own Design
UPDATED at 8:45 central time. Update at the end.
Let's just get the buzz words out of the way now: perspective, time, perspective, time, perspective, time... and while we're dealing with the obvious, I'll just say it. Obviously I'm not taking much of a hiatus from this blog. It's hard to take a hiatus when apparently things aren't as rosy as I thought.
The long and the short is that, once again, I haven't heard from P in over 2 days. No response to my invitation to dinner, nothing.
I want off this rollercoaster. The emotional one. But, it is a rollercoaster of my own design. I have no one to blame but myself. The swings from elated to low are more than I want to deal with right now. 24, 36 hours ago listening to romantic songs made me all amorous. Now those same songs make me want to cry.
I may have been obsessively listening to Kurt Elling's "Live in Chicago" album in the car lately. Never before has his ending to "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" cut me more than it does now.
"Nothing ends the ache,
tearing you awake,
wondering where you made your big mistake.
Wishing on a star,
promises go far,
now (s)he's gone,
never in my wishing did I think of love's pain.
Now I'll have to think again,
my happy-ever ending is for someone else."
We all know I'm overreacting, including me. 7 weeks of texting and sex does not a relationship make, and certainly doesn't warrant losing sleep or shedding tears (neither of which I have done, for the record). Still, I can't deny that P has gotten under my skin and the last 48+ hours have basically been hell. My questions about this weekend and my invitation to dinner have gone unanswered. I can't say ignored; all I know is that I have not gotten a response to them. I haven't gotten a text from him since Thursday morning, actually. I've gone from all excited to the possibilities of this weekend to devastated because my dreams aren't coming true. How typically, stereotypically, girl of me.
Which brings us to the clusterfuck happening in my brain. I'm just going to bullet-point these, because I certainly can't make heads or tails of them.
1. This isn't the first time I haven't heard from him for more than 2 days, and that wasn't the end of the world.
2. It did require me sending a "have I pissed you off" text, though.
3. He agreed with me that we needed to spend more time together clothed, and agreed to try to find time this weekend.
4. He agreed with me that we needed to spend more time together clothed, and agreed to try to find time this weekend, so why hasn't he replied?
5. Am I expecting too much? Loaded question. Too much of him overall? Too much in the courtesy of a reply, even if it is simply, "sorry, can't make it?"
6. Actually, this whole week, overall, has been quiet on the texting from him. Cue typical rising panic.
7. I know his work weeks are crazy busy. He's said that several times before, and I don't have a reason to not trust him.
8. I really want to text him right now, but I don't trust myself because part of me wants to text a double entendre from a recipe I made today, part of me just wants to say, "hey, are you still alive?" and part of me wants to say, "Won't reply to my invitation? Then @%*#! you."
9. Have I come on too strong? Is it possible to come on too strong, given what has happened between us? We've both initiated the encounters. He actually did the initiating early on, when we had our first real round of sexting. He really came on strong, and I held out. Same is true for the 3 am romp. And when I've done the initiating, it hasn't taken anything to convince him.
10. He probably sees me as little more than easy sex.
11. So what? The sex is pretty good. And at least I'm getting some.
12. Am I now a tramp?
13. Back to the texting. Ok, I heard from him on Sunday because I saw him. Monday was quiet; I sent one text, no reply. Tuesday night I sent a text, got a reply just after midnight. Wednesday afternoon I got a reply to a goofy thing one of my kiddos at school said. Thursday morning got the reply to the coffee text, but after that... nada. So it hasn't been as quiet as I thought... and as usual, not every text I've sent has demanded a reply.
Perspective. Time. Perspective. Time. Perspective. Time.
I'm about 90% sure I'll end up texting him in the next hour or so. I just have to decide what I'm going to say.
Meanwhile, I really think Pandora needs either a "break up songs" station or a "f*ck him" station. And I need to quit being a 12 year old girl.
UPDATE: I did text him. At 4:30. The text read: "Hey there... are you still talking to me? :-)"
As of 8:45, no reply. I'm really in bad emotional shape. WTF could I have possibly done wrong? WTF could have changed so suddenly?
And just for the record, when choosing a movie to try to take your mind off of crap like this, don't choose one where two guys are in love with the same girl, and she ends up sacrificing herself (to save the world). Shedding a few tears helped, but in the long run, I think it made me worse. Even seeing Hugh Jackman kick ass didn't help!
Let's just get the buzz words out of the way now: perspective, time, perspective, time, perspective, time... and while we're dealing with the obvious, I'll just say it. Obviously I'm not taking much of a hiatus from this blog. It's hard to take a hiatus when apparently things aren't as rosy as I thought.
The long and the short is that, once again, I haven't heard from P in over 2 days. No response to my invitation to dinner, nothing.
I want off this rollercoaster. The emotional one. But, it is a rollercoaster of my own design. I have no one to blame but myself. The swings from elated to low are more than I want to deal with right now. 24, 36 hours ago listening to romantic songs made me all amorous. Now those same songs make me want to cry.
I may have been obsessively listening to Kurt Elling's "Live in Chicago" album in the car lately. Never before has his ending to "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" cut me more than it does now.
"Nothing ends the ache,
tearing you awake,
wondering where you made your big mistake.
Wishing on a star,
promises go far,
now (s)he's gone,
never in my wishing did I think of love's pain.
Now I'll have to think again,
my happy-ever ending is for someone else."
We all know I'm overreacting, including me. 7 weeks of texting and sex does not a relationship make, and certainly doesn't warrant losing sleep or shedding tears (neither of which I have done, for the record). Still, I can't deny that P has gotten under my skin and the last 48+ hours have basically been hell. My questions about this weekend and my invitation to dinner have gone unanswered. I can't say ignored; all I know is that I have not gotten a response to them. I haven't gotten a text from him since Thursday morning, actually. I've gone from all excited to the possibilities of this weekend to devastated because my dreams aren't coming true. How typically, stereotypically, girl of me.
Which brings us to the clusterfuck happening in my brain. I'm just going to bullet-point these, because I certainly can't make heads or tails of them.
1. This isn't the first time I haven't heard from him for more than 2 days, and that wasn't the end of the world.
2. It did require me sending a "have I pissed you off" text, though.
3. He agreed with me that we needed to spend more time together clothed, and agreed to try to find time this weekend.
4. He agreed with me that we needed to spend more time together clothed, and agreed to try to find time this weekend, so why hasn't he replied?
5. Am I expecting too much? Loaded question. Too much of him overall? Too much in the courtesy of a reply, even if it is simply, "sorry, can't make it?"
6. Actually, this whole week, overall, has been quiet on the texting from him. Cue typical rising panic.
7. I know his work weeks are crazy busy. He's said that several times before, and I don't have a reason to not trust him.
8. I really want to text him right now, but I don't trust myself because part of me wants to text a double entendre from a recipe I made today, part of me just wants to say, "hey, are you still alive?" and part of me wants to say, "Won't reply to my invitation? Then @%*#! you."
9. Have I come on too strong? Is it possible to come on too strong, given what has happened between us? We've both initiated the encounters. He actually did the initiating early on, when we had our first real round of sexting. He really came on strong, and I held out. Same is true for the 3 am romp. And when I've done the initiating, it hasn't taken anything to convince him.
10. He probably sees me as little more than easy sex.
11. So what? The sex is pretty good. And at least I'm getting some.
12. Am I now a tramp?
13. Back to the texting. Ok, I heard from him on Sunday because I saw him. Monday was quiet; I sent one text, no reply. Tuesday night I sent a text, got a reply just after midnight. Wednesday afternoon I got a reply to a goofy thing one of my kiddos at school said. Thursday morning got the reply to the coffee text, but after that... nada. So it hasn't been as quiet as I thought... and as usual, not every text I've sent has demanded a reply.
Perspective. Time. Perspective. Time. Perspective. Time.
I'm about 90% sure I'll end up texting him in the next hour or so. I just have to decide what I'm going to say.
Meanwhile, I really think Pandora needs either a "break up songs" station or a "f*ck him" station. And I need to quit being a 12 year old girl.
UPDATE: I did text him. At 4:30. The text read: "Hey there... are you still talking to me? :-)"
As of 8:45, no reply. I'm really in bad emotional shape. WTF could I have possibly done wrong? WTF could have changed so suddenly?
And just for the record, when choosing a movie to try to take your mind off of crap like this, don't choose one where two guys are in love with the same girl, and she ends up sacrificing herself (to save the world). Shedding a few tears helped, but in the long run, I think it made me worse. Even seeing Hugh Jackman kick ass didn't help!
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