Treading Lightly
When I'm on the edge of sleep deprivation, my brain sometimes goes into overdrive. It's been two nights in a row now of about 6 hours of sleep, which is just not enough for me. One night of that I can do; two nights and I'm looking for an IV pole full of coffee to drag around work with me. Meanwhile, my brain continues to analyze.
It's been reflecting on last night's conversation -- the 4+ hour phone call. A lot of that conversation was intense. Not in the excited, rapid-fire exchange of ideas kind of way, but in the let's press each other on some deep subjects kind of way. He pushed me to articulate why I replied to his email, what I liked about his profile, how could he change and improve it. What were my first impressions? Why did I reply? Those are all questions I struggled with, because the answers aren't clear and I'm extremely conscious of not wanting to crush him in any way, yet I don't want to lie to him. He later pushed me into sharing something, anything, deeply personal about me. He knows I struggle with opening myself up; I've told him that. He has this impression of me that I am super confident, and that my Match inbox is active with several emails a day. I keep trying to tell him the confidence is often a front, and that my Match inbox is not nearly as active as he seems to think it is.
What he shared about himself that was deeply personal was a lot -- and I do mean a lot -- of information about his marriage and subsequent divorce. His ex-wife had a history of infidelity. Once he forgave her. The second time -- that he knew of -- he was willing to forgive her again, but for a different reason. The first time it was to save the marriage. The second time it was because of the kids. I've never been married, but I know trying to save a marriage solely for the kids is a bad thing to do. Both parents are miserable, and the kids pick up on it much more than the parents want to admit.
On the other hand, I have to commend his dedication and commitment to his promises. This is a man who is true to his word and who puts his family before anything else. That whole true to his word thing can also cause a great case of "mixed messageitis."
This isn't the mixed messages of P. At least J is very upfront about his mixed messages. I'm not sorting through a pile of body language and verbal indicators. Instead I'm enduring his long-winded explanations about why he feels the need to go out on dates with these other women he's been talking with, and at the same time he's asking me for a second date, spending 4 hours on the phone with me, and then texting me first thing in the morning, just over 6 hours since we got off the phone. Repeat the explanations about needing to go out and meet more people, and then make comments about how he needs to repaint his bedroom because "[I] wouldn't like the color that it currently is." (To his credit, he also wants to paint it just for himself, and to get rid of what is apparently a horrid floral wallpaper border.) Insert comments about how weird it is to be out with another woman, and then confess that he blatantly ogled my ass. And liked what he saw. (Which makes one of us, because I don't think my ass is one of my best... assets... even I'm groaning that that one, but you know what I mean!)
I told him at one point he's sort of like a puppy right now, and he said more than once he was perfectly okay with that. He's kind of like a tween-aged Labrador puppy, with the big feet that he hasn't quite grown into and who is adorably awkward in many situations. This is particularly true when he tries to make a suggestive comment, bless his heart. For all of P's shortcomings, when it came to sexting and suggestive comments he was really very good (even though I find, for whatever reason, the use of the word "dick" to be very middle school). J tries, but this is an area where I'll be doing some more teaching, and he's admitted that.
I am treading lightly and carefully. I'm not entirely sure he's really ready to be back on the dating scene, but that isn't my judgment call to make, and at some point you have to deal with heartbreak and move on. If through his time with me he can find the confidence he lost when his ex-wife cheated on him, then this will have been a good thing. It isn't that he doesn't have confidence, he's just not as confident in some areas as he is in others. In some ways, that woundedness is what makes him attractive to me, but I hope it isn't the wrong kind of attractive.
Meanwhile, I have a truly and legitimately nice guy who is interested in me, who wants to really get to know me, who is willing to work some to pry open my intensely private shell. He's laid himself open, telling me I can ask any question and he will answer it. Being, in many ways, the first for him since the marriage, I am in a position of unusual power. It wouldn't take a whole lot to crush his spirit, and I know this. Fortunately, I am not one of those kinds of women.
Still... treading lightly.
It's been reflecting on last night's conversation -- the 4+ hour phone call. A lot of that conversation was intense. Not in the excited, rapid-fire exchange of ideas kind of way, but in the let's press each other on some deep subjects kind of way. He pushed me to articulate why I replied to his email, what I liked about his profile, how could he change and improve it. What were my first impressions? Why did I reply? Those are all questions I struggled with, because the answers aren't clear and I'm extremely conscious of not wanting to crush him in any way, yet I don't want to lie to him. He later pushed me into sharing something, anything, deeply personal about me. He knows I struggle with opening myself up; I've told him that. He has this impression of me that I am super confident, and that my Match inbox is active with several emails a day. I keep trying to tell him the confidence is often a front, and that my Match inbox is not nearly as active as he seems to think it is.
What he shared about himself that was deeply personal was a lot -- and I do mean a lot -- of information about his marriage and subsequent divorce. His ex-wife had a history of infidelity. Once he forgave her. The second time -- that he knew of -- he was willing to forgive her again, but for a different reason. The first time it was to save the marriage. The second time it was because of the kids. I've never been married, but I know trying to save a marriage solely for the kids is a bad thing to do. Both parents are miserable, and the kids pick up on it much more than the parents want to admit.
On the other hand, I have to commend his dedication and commitment to his promises. This is a man who is true to his word and who puts his family before anything else. That whole true to his word thing can also cause a great case of "mixed messageitis."
This isn't the mixed messages of P. At least J is very upfront about his mixed messages. I'm not sorting through a pile of body language and verbal indicators. Instead I'm enduring his long-winded explanations about why he feels the need to go out on dates with these other women he's been talking with, and at the same time he's asking me for a second date, spending 4 hours on the phone with me, and then texting me first thing in the morning, just over 6 hours since we got off the phone. Repeat the explanations about needing to go out and meet more people, and then make comments about how he needs to repaint his bedroom because "[I] wouldn't like the color that it currently is." (To his credit, he also wants to paint it just for himself, and to get rid of what is apparently a horrid floral wallpaper border.) Insert comments about how weird it is to be out with another woman, and then confess that he blatantly ogled my ass. And liked what he saw. (Which makes one of us, because I don't think my ass is one of my best... assets... even I'm groaning that that one, but you know what I mean!)
I told him at one point he's sort of like a puppy right now, and he said more than once he was perfectly okay with that. He's kind of like a tween-aged Labrador puppy, with the big feet that he hasn't quite grown into and who is adorably awkward in many situations. This is particularly true when he tries to make a suggestive comment, bless his heart. For all of P's shortcomings, when it came to sexting and suggestive comments he was really very good (even though I find, for whatever reason, the use of the word "dick" to be very middle school). J tries, but this is an area where I'll be doing some more teaching, and he's admitted that.
I am treading lightly and carefully. I'm not entirely sure he's really ready to be back on the dating scene, but that isn't my judgment call to make, and at some point you have to deal with heartbreak and move on. If through his time with me he can find the confidence he lost when his ex-wife cheated on him, then this will have been a good thing. It isn't that he doesn't have confidence, he's just not as confident in some areas as he is in others. In some ways, that woundedness is what makes him attractive to me, but I hope it isn't the wrong kind of attractive.
Meanwhile, I have a truly and legitimately nice guy who is interested in me, who wants to really get to know me, who is willing to work some to pry open my intensely private shell. He's laid himself open, telling me I can ask any question and he will answer it. Being, in many ways, the first for him since the marriage, I am in a position of unusual power. It wouldn't take a whole lot to crush his spirit, and I know this. Fortunately, I am not one of those kinds of women.
Still... treading lightly.
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