Six Little Words
After yesterday afternoon's "Hey there, are you still talking to me?" text, silence. Around 9:30, I sent another text. This one said, "Have I screwed up somehow? Can I make amends?"
What I heard was, as Simon & Garfunkel would say, was the sounds of silence.
I did hear from friends who were concerned. I'm, once again, very lucky with my friends. Sometimes, the concern comes from surprising places, but that just goes to show how thoroughly blessed I am. Being someone who is not a stranger to being blue, I know how hard it is to find those moments of happiness, those moments where I know that God is still there when everything seems so dark.
Yesterday morning, I woke up in a mood. This was after the invitation picture/text, and no reply. On my way to work, I was driving down a fairly major street in a rough urban area. One thing about KC, though, is no matter how urban the area, trees, creeks, and small ravines are not far away. I saw up ahead, crossing the 4+ lanes of the road, a female deer. As I came upon where she had headed to on my side of the road, I saw not just her, but two other deer watching us humans go by and on with our business.
It wasn't writing in the sky. It wasn't a heavenly apparition. It was simply nature, existing within human sprawl. And somehow it calmed me.
Of course, we know how the rest of yesterday went, with my accelerating sadness and eventually worry.
This morning, after another night of not hearing from P, I was in the car on my way to work -- church. I had on KLOVE, the national contemporary Christian radio station. It is not uncommon for me to listen to that station in the car; part of it is that, with all the time I spend on the road, it gives me time with God, and part of it is keeping current with worship trends. I know a lot of my congregation listens to KLOVE. I've heard over and over about people turning on that station and "hearing words of a song that helped [me] through a rough time." Today, the first song that came on included the line, "Why are you still looking for love?" and went on to remind me that God has always loved me and that is enough. As I continued on my way, there were more and more songs that I heard in a new way.
It got me through a busy morning at church. It helped me minister and lead.
But once alone with my thoughts... back to P they went. I talked to a couple of trusted friends at church, and they started expressing a thought I had also had: was he okay? Was he sick, something like that? The striata of my worry had so many levels, a geologist-psychiatrist would have a field day excavating me. Not only was I worried about what he was thinking about me, our "relationship," and all that, but add to that my worry about his physical well-being.
So once I had a few minutes to sit at my desk, I decided to send one last message. This one said, "It's not like you to go this long without replying to me. I'm worried. And if this is your way of saying you need space, etc., just tell me so I'll stop wondering. (I promise to not go all psycho bitch on you!)"
It took him half an hour, but I did finally get a reply. Six little words: "At the movies with my son." I said, "Ok. Have fun! (thanks for texting)"
I do admit that simply hearing from him was a relief. And he didn't say, "go away" or "we need to Talk" or anything that would fill me with dread, panic, etc. He also didn't say, "sorry for not replying" or anything like that, but I'm just going to take it at face value, and he was in a movie.
So I'm feeling better, but not necessarily fabulous. Baby steps. What was that I was saying about the rollercoaster? Oy vey.
What I heard was, as Simon & Garfunkel would say, was the sounds of silence.
I did hear from friends who were concerned. I'm, once again, very lucky with my friends. Sometimes, the concern comes from surprising places, but that just goes to show how thoroughly blessed I am. Being someone who is not a stranger to being blue, I know how hard it is to find those moments of happiness, those moments where I know that God is still there when everything seems so dark.
Yesterday morning, I woke up in a mood. This was after the invitation picture/text, and no reply. On my way to work, I was driving down a fairly major street in a rough urban area. One thing about KC, though, is no matter how urban the area, trees, creeks, and small ravines are not far away. I saw up ahead, crossing the 4+ lanes of the road, a female deer. As I came upon where she had headed to on my side of the road, I saw not just her, but two other deer watching us humans go by and on with our business.
It wasn't writing in the sky. It wasn't a heavenly apparition. It was simply nature, existing within human sprawl. And somehow it calmed me.
Of course, we know how the rest of yesterday went, with my accelerating sadness and eventually worry.
This morning, after another night of not hearing from P, I was in the car on my way to work -- church. I had on KLOVE, the national contemporary Christian radio station. It is not uncommon for me to listen to that station in the car; part of it is that, with all the time I spend on the road, it gives me time with God, and part of it is keeping current with worship trends. I know a lot of my congregation listens to KLOVE. I've heard over and over about people turning on that station and "hearing words of a song that helped [me] through a rough time." Today, the first song that came on included the line, "Why are you still looking for love?" and went on to remind me that God has always loved me and that is enough. As I continued on my way, there were more and more songs that I heard in a new way.
It got me through a busy morning at church. It helped me minister and lead.
But once alone with my thoughts... back to P they went. I talked to a couple of trusted friends at church, and they started expressing a thought I had also had: was he okay? Was he sick, something like that? The striata of my worry had so many levels, a geologist-psychiatrist would have a field day excavating me. Not only was I worried about what he was thinking about me, our "relationship," and all that, but add to that my worry about his physical well-being.
So once I had a few minutes to sit at my desk, I decided to send one last message. This one said, "It's not like you to go this long without replying to me. I'm worried. And if this is your way of saying you need space, etc., just tell me so I'll stop wondering. (I promise to not go all psycho bitch on you!)"
It took him half an hour, but I did finally get a reply. Six little words: "At the movies with my son." I said, "Ok. Have fun! (thanks for texting)"
I do admit that simply hearing from him was a relief. And he didn't say, "go away" or "we need to Talk" or anything that would fill me with dread, panic, etc. He also didn't say, "sorry for not replying" or anything like that, but I'm just going to take it at face value, and he was in a movie.
So I'm feeling better, but not necessarily fabulous. Baby steps. What was that I was saying about the rollercoaster? Oy vey.
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